Warnings: Language.

Merry's Diary.

Day 1: Hobbiton

Pippin and I got into Gandalf's fireworks, setting off a big one. It wasn't my fault, it was all Pippin's idea and do you know what happens? Not only did that old fart break his staff over by ass but I had to wash dishes too! To make it even worse Gandalf kept dropping cups, bowls, and plates in the dirt! That bastard kept us busy for four hours! Now I won't be able to look up any skirts at the dance! I guess it wouldn't matter anyway. Pippin is always pulling me away from all the lasses.....always keeping me by his side.....I think something is wrong with his head. Then again, what do you expect from a guy who was dropped on his head when he was a baby. I don't think it helped when his dear mum smoked all that pipeweed during the pregnancy, which would explain his hyperactivity. Can you believe he was juggling the plates around, only trying to make this pleasant, and Gandalf whacked him over the head! I'm going to put laxative in his tea when he's not looking!

Day 2: Hobbiton

Wandered with Pippin......pissed off some bees.....spent the night trying to bring down the swelling on my body.....

Day 3: Hobbtion

Hm, it was quite the interesting day. Pippin and I broke into Frodo's house, smoked his pipeweed, drew squiggly marks all over Frodo's face, nearly killed by Sam, mooned some girls, and then passed out in the grass. Later, my dear cousin found me and took me over his knee.....felt strangely good.....Anywho, I told him it was all Pippin's idea so he stalked off to find him. I heard he mauled poor Pip's legs. I agreed to give him a foot massage, it's the least I can do.

Day 4: Hobbiton

I wandered around the wood alone today. I had to get away from Pippin. I can't be around him 24/7! He's starting to smother me! Damn Took!

Day 22: Crickhollow

Met with Sam and Frodo today. Frodo seemed to have the crazy idea that we were spying on him. Just because we were watching and keeping close tabs on his whereabouts doesn't mean we were spying. Anywho, we're going on a journey with him to Bree. Sounds like fun, I suppose. Pippin came up with the idea to take a group bath but Frodo wouldn't go for that. That hobbit is so insecure. It's not like we haven't seen him naked before. He got drunk at dear cousin Celandine's birthday party and did the full monty in front of all the guests. Oh well. He certainly is a strange one. I laughed pretty hard when Pippin stole Frodo's towel and he tried to cover himself with soapsuds. He scampered off somewhere....can't remember where.

Day: 23 Old Forest/Tom's house

Nothing dangerous happened to day. I was violated by an old tree, saved by a guy named Tom, met his drop dead gorgeous wife, ate her cooking, felt good, shared a bed with Pippin and Frodo, and laughed when Sam got food poisoning. He has the cutest look on his face every time he upchucks.

Day 24: Old Forest/Tom's House

Ugly day today. It's been raining all morning so we can't leave until tomorrow. Oh well. At least I get another day to eat Goldberry's fine cooking. She made a delicious omelet. Sure, it was a bit runny and you had to bend down to eat it with your hands because you couldn't scope it with a fork but it was still good. Sam seems to be getting better. His face has gone from a deathly pale to a lively seaweed green. It really improves his appearance.

Day 25: Old Forest/Burrow Downs

As we left today Frodo threw Goldberry's scrumptious food into the river! I tried to wrestle him but Sam grabbed me and sat on me! He's really starting to annoy me! We came across some burial ground and Frodo told us to walk right on in. Later, a fog developed and we were all lost. Something grabbed me and I passed out. When I woke up Frodo and Tom were hauling us out. Hm, there is a most pungent smell in the air. We must be closing in on Bree.

Day 26: Bree/Prancing Pony

Nothing important happened today. Got drunk, someone named Strider kidnapped Frodo, Sam threw a hissy fit and insisted that we follow, almost got stabbed by the ranger when we burst into the room. Can you believe Pippin was holding a chair? Yeah, sure, Pip. I'm almost positive a hobbit size chair is going to hurt a full-grown man holding a sword that is practically longer then us. When we went to bed there was some shrieking going on in one of the rooms. Hm, that brings back memories.....

Day 27: Forest

Wandered around with the ranger, tried to keep him from killing Pippin, laughed when a gopher attacked him, laughed when he started foaming at the mouth.

Day 35: Weathertop

Strider left us on our own.....Yeah, that's a brilliant idea! I suppose we didn't help matters when we lit that campfire to make food. I think it was what attracted the Black Riders. Frodo was stabbed. Oh crap. If anyone asks I'll say it was Pippin's idea to start the campfire.

Day 40: Rivendell

Snuck to some council and agreed to help Frodo destroy the Ring. Oh crap! I just agreed to go on a suicide mission!

Day 46: Oh, a mountain

I'm freezing my ass off but does anyone care?! No! Why the hell did we appoint that wizard as a leader? Everyone knows that he belongs in the Grey Haven's Nursing Home! I tried to warn Pippin not to complain but he did anyway. He got himself whacked in the head, snow down his pants, and had himself practically thrown down the slope.

Day 53: Outside the Mine

Pippin and I threw rocks into a nearby pool. I guess that's what alerted the Watcher. Everyone was pretty pissed at Pippin. Poor guy. I mean, some of it is probably my fault. I should stand up and take partial blame.....Naw, he lives to be the scapegoat.

Day 54: Moria

Attacked by hordes of orcs, a cave troll, and a Balrog. Oh, and Gandalf was pulled to his death. Yay! Finally, we are rid of that no good wizard! Uh oh. Does that mean Strider will be leader now? I don't know if I want a guy that's supposed to be a ranger yet has a dysfunctional relationship with nature as our guide.

Day 58: Lothlorien

This place is so dull. I was going to watch Boromir kill some songbirds but Pippin made me stay with him. Sheesh, all that hobbit wants to do is cuddle. What does he think I am? A squeeze toy? Got a belt from Galadriel. Wow, like I couldn't buy this on my own in the Shire. What a fantastic gift!

Day 59: River

Had the urge to sing "Row, row, row your boat" while we were going down the river. Got a cheap laugh when Boromir was knocked unconscious from a tree limb while watching Frodo. Why is everyone so obsessed with him? Just because he's cute and has the most sparkling blue eyes.....soft creamy skin.....silky, curly hair......Wh-What happened? I keep blanking out every time I look at him. Anyway, why can't someone be obsessed with me? I'm just as good as him!

Day 60: Amon Hen

Got separated from the others. Some orcs tried to kidnap us but Boromir came just in time. You know, it's times like these that make me grateful for such skilled warriors to be present during our.....Oh shit. He was just overrun with orc arrows. Sissy. Well, now Pippin and I are being carried off by orcs. Sounds like a fun trip.

Next: ?