Warnings: Language.
Gollum's Diary.
Day 1: Mordor/Barad-dur
Hisss. Wandered around in Mordor like an idiot. What were we thinking entering this land? Only a psychotic person would do something like that. We're not psychotic are we, Precious? *gollum* No, we're not psychotic Precious. We're very normal. A nice normal thing, Precious. Tortured at the hands of the orcs. Hiss. Felt good, Precious, but it got boring after a day so I just told them what they wanted to hear. Shire, Baggins. We hates the Baggins, yes Precious. Nasty, ugly hobbit stole my Precious. We'll get it back though. Yes, we will. We'll get the hobbit...and his little nephew too. Teach naughty hobbit a lesson. Yes, we will. Hisss. The orcs let me go. I don't know why......Hisss, oh my Precious, we needs more deodorant.
Day 2: Mordor
Wandered around Mordor again. Hisss. I can't finds my out! I left a trail of rocks but they were all gone! *gollum* Damn, nasty orcs will eat anything! Met a nice spider named Shelob today. Very large, slimy, cruel, ugly......she's beautiful, Precious. Very perfect for us. Yesss. I sang to her *gollum* but she just kicked me away. Precious. My heart hurts. Now that I think on it...all of me hurts.
Day 3: Somewhere
I hate having a split personality! I cannot believe I have turned into this monstrosity! I was handsome once. I attracted all the lasses, but now I just attract.....nothing. Not even the flies will buzz around my head.....they tend to die. This all that damn Ring's fault! I hate it! I hate it! I ha----Precious, Oh I am so sorry my Precious! Forgive our foolishness! I love you! I love you! I lo----Argh!! Why can't I be normal?! I try to turn back to my normal self and that hideous Gollum thing takes over. I swear if I turn one more time I will bash----*gollum* We hates the Baggins! He is the reason for our pain! Baggins will pay! We must make a note not to let Smeagol talk! He ruins the day! Always puts a damper on our day! *gollum*
Day 4: Somewhere
Hisss. Being stalked by elves...other things. Why can't they leave us alone, Precious? We hates them. Always picking on us because we're different. *gollum*
Day 5: Somewhere
I devised the perfect to do list. I think it will come right in handy when----Kill the Baggins, yes Precious. List will help us do that....yes....Grr, shut up Gollum! This is my list not yours! If you keep interrupting me I swear----You shut up, yes Precious. We're the dominant personality, not you Smeagol! We---Shut your hole Gollum! I deserve a little me time! I'm important too you know! I mean, damn it, I'm still a major personality here! Until you completely push me out you can keep quiet for five minutes! What do you say to that?........Good, you keep quiet....Now on with the list.....Wait a minute! I can't remember where I put the list! Now look what you made me do Gollum! Argh, you dumbass!
Day 6: Somewhere
Had to travel through the marsh today...Hisss. We hates it. Awful smell. Tasty looking bodies though. Smeagol wouldn't let me eat them, no Precious. Says we could get food poisoning.....You would get food poisoning Gollum! Actually, both of us would have gotten it if I hadn't stopped you! You should be thanking----Stupid Smeagol, yes Precious. Now we go hungry for another day! Hisss. Oh my Precious.
Day 9: Somewhere
Made it to a nice stream.....caught a nice juicy, tender fish. Yes, very good Precious. Ate it raw...nice tasty scales....nice organs....taste just like-----Crap! That's what it tastes like! You promised me an omelet Gollum! Where's my omelet?! I'm getting tired of fish! For over three hundred years we have been eating fish! I want something new damn it! I---We will get something new, yes. *gollum* We find nice crunchy bugs. Would you like that, Precious? Yes, nice bugs.....find stink bugs....those the best----No! I don't want bugs give me an omelet! I want to eat something that's preferably dead and cooked! I----Keep your mouth shut! Yes, Precious. We tears out our voice box if you speaking. Hisss. Don't thinks we won't do it!.....I'll be good.
Day 35: Somewhere in a mine
We made to a mine today. Yes, Precious. We have been in the nice dark for days. No food here, Precious. We----Would you stop complaining! It's getting on my nerves! For once can't-----Now you know how we feels. Yes. *gollum* Don't think we---Oh just shut up! Hey, wait a minute, I feel a presence. I recognize that....Oh shit not that blasted----My Precious! Oh my Precious! I can feel my Precious in this mine! We will track it down. Yes, get the Baggins. We makes him pay.
Day 36: Mine
We found the Precious! Nasty hobbit had it around his neck. Nasty, cute hobbit with his creamy skin and pretty blue eyes. We tried to take it but he bites our fingers....kinky hobbit......nice hobbit. We---You shouldn't have those thoughts Gollum! Ew, for the love of God stop thinking that! Oh, that image is going to be stuck in my mind forever. Why can't you fantasize about normal things?!----Be quiets or we tear out our fingernails! We fantasize about whoever we wants!
Day 38: Outside
I'm out in the wonderful sun today! Oh, how I love it so much! It's nice to be out in the sun. I wish it could be---We hates the sun! Cruel light hurts us, yes. Hurts our eyes and sensitive skin!----Well, didn't I tell you to use moisturizer and sun block? Do you listen to me? No! Now shut your pie hole! This entry is supposed to mine! I guess I have no choice but to trail after the Fellowship. If I don't then Gollum will mutilate one of our body parts. I truly hate that slimy son of a b----Hisss. You are us to you know. You are a part of Gollum. *gollum*----I thought I told you to be quiet! You're ruining my entry just like you ruined my life!----Hisss. You're the one that ruined our life! Yes, Precious.---Can you shut your fucking mouth for ten minutes?! All I ask is for ten minutes! Great, there went my entire entry...thanks a lot dumbass!
Day 40: By a river
We watch the hobbit leave with the others. Yes, Precious. We get a nice sturdy log to paddle on. We will catch the Precious and the little hobbit too. Yes, we will make use of both----Row, row, row your log gently down the stream!---What are you doing, Precious?! Hisss. My entry. ----Hey, you wrecked mine so I'm entitled to one of yours! Besides you need to take your mind off that Ring and that hobbit. I thought I told you to stop fantasizing! You should watch out for the tree limbs dumbass!!---Hisss. Keep ugly mouth shut! This is our entry, Precious......Ouch, our heads! Precious!---What did I tell you? Ow. Nice going pond scum for brains!----Precious, oh my Precious! We wants one entry without nasty Smeagol interrupting us!----Too bad! It's my entry now! La, la, la, la, la....Hey, give me back control of our hand!---No, Precious! We writes not you! We must find the hobbit. Nice, pretty hobbit.----What did I tell you?! Do you ever listen?!
Day 41: Riverbank
We lost the hobbit. Such a nice hobbit. We can't finds him, Precious. *gollum* We can smell the orcs about. Nasty orcs. We hates them. People sleeping now. Very tempted to steal the Ring---Oh, no. Don't even think about it Gollum! That would be a very bad id----Yes, Precious. We mustn't rush or we could gets caught. No, we waits for when pretty little hobbit is alone. Then we takes the Precious back!----Just promise me that's all you do, ok? Just get the Ring and kill him, ok? Nothing else, right?----We see. Precious. It depends upon the mood.....*gollum*---You are one sick mother----Keep quiet or we pulls out our wisdom teeth!---Good, you do that! Those blasted things have been bugging me for over three hundred years!---Shut up! Precious, oh my Precious. If you could only see what we puts up with! *gollum*--Why do you write 'gollum'? You do know that this paper and that you're not actually talking...Ow, ow! Ok, I'll keep quiet just leave the teeth alone!
Day 42: Amon Hen
Saw the nice hobbit alone. Sitting all by himself, Precious. Yes, we gets the Precious back. Yes, and play a little----Gollum! Just get the Ring!----Shut up! Hisss! You ruin concentration!----Then just focus on the Ring dumbass and not the hobbit!---Hisss! Be still! Now we can't get the Precious! Big, ugly man getting freaky with the hobbit! Hisss. Man seems to like the hobbit. We can'ts have that. Good, yes Precious. Hobbit punch the man off. Yes. Now we goes after the hobbit. Nice, hobbit. Pretty hobbit with his---Gollum you moron! He's going across a river! Dumbass! You've been sitting here fantasizing again for twenty minutes! Get a move on you won't be able to catch him!---We gets him, yes Precious. Don't worry Precious we gets him. We will wade in cold, stinging water to get you Precious. We are coming.----I know I'm asking a lot here but could you drown yourself? You know, put us both out of misery. Please?----Silence or we eat the diary. Yes, Precious. *gollum* Tasty paper....
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