Lurtz's Diary
Day 1: Orthanc
I was born today. It was wet and cold and scary....I needed a hug. Naturally, I grabbed the closet thing next to me, an orc, and you know what happens? It dies. Typical, weak orc. I didn't squeeze the damn thing that hard. Humph. Now I have to find a substitute. Hey, maybe that guy with the white beard could be my hug buddy. He doesn't look too happy. Maybe he needs a nice, friendly hug to brighten his day.
Current Mood: Feeling Small and Feeble
Day 2: Orthanc
Argh. I am never hugging that white bearded guy again! I barely touched him and he threw a fit. Ok, so I was still a bit slimy....and had a minor drooling problem...Well, who wouldn't want to hug me? Am I not the definition of cute? Well, you know, for a Urak-hai.
Current Mood: Annoyed
Day 3: Orthanc
Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero
Well, I was ordered by Saruman to take a large troop, lead them to intercept some sort of fellowship group, and kidnap the halflings and keep them safe from harm. Apparently, they carry something of great worth. He also said to bring them back unspoiled. Now, how am I supposed to keep them unspoiled when I have no idea what the hell that means? Well, when I get the time I'll have to look it up in a book. Wait, I can't read. Damn it. Why was I born with such a small brain? Oh, wait, it doesn't matter any way. A group of Urak-hai broke into his library and ate all the books or ripped out the pages and used them for.....er....um.....outdoor duties if you get what I mean. Saruman caught them. Needless to say, I'll need a new troop. I would be hard to lead around bloodied heaps of bodies. I'm excited about the journey though. I get to kill innocent men or anything else I find along the way. What fun.
Current Mood: Overjoyed
Day 4: Woods
Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero.
Ran around the woods in complete circles. Saruman was always complaining about how we didn't have any brains. Well, why the hell didn't he build us with some?! Having a thinking capacity of an eight-year-old really isn't helping me out much here. When do I get to kill something? I need the smell of fresh blood and preferably not that stinky orc blood. Oh, I think I hear something rustling in the bushes. Goody. Now I can test out my bow along with my oversized arrows or maybe I'll just tear the person to shreds. That's always fun.
Current Mood: Mildly Happy
Day 4: Woods
Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: One.
Damn. It only turned out to be a lost peasant woman. She was quite pretty, for a disgusting human mind you, and I felt somewhat sorry for her so I offered to give her directions. Wink, wink. I gladly directed her over a cliff. I had to throw rocks at her though. The woman was actually able to grab onto a root over the ledge. I would have used my bow on her but I thought I should save the arrows for something a little more important. Eventually, I hit her where it counts and she tumbled to her death. What aren't women attracted to me anyway? I mean, I have everything they could want. I'm tall, dark, and hand.....Well, I'm tall and dark aren't I? Let's not forget about my spiffy muscles. I suppose my face could use a little work along with the overbite and the excess drool. Man, I really need to learn to control that. People are going to automatically assume that I'm just some big, ugly, dimwitted orc that slobbers over everything. At least it keeps my lower chin clean. Saruman promised to give me a face-lift once I brought back the halflings. Oh crap. I forgot to ask what a halfling is. What the hell is a halfling? Some kind of rodent? Oh well. I'll probably know it when I see it.
Current Mood: Happy Happy
Day 6: Woods
Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero
Still wandered around. Passed the same tree twenty times now. Still haven't killed anything. Ugh, I'm so hungry. Where the hell is all the wildlife? Damn it. It must be my repulsive smell. How could I smell so bad? I bathe in mud three times a day. Well, at least I think it's mud. Oh well. Maybe these strange looking mushrooms are edible. I think I'll let some of the others test them out first.
Well, an hour has passed and I have come to the conclusion that the mushrooms are not edible. One of the uraks climbed up a tree and proclaimed that he was a dainty humming bird flying off to collect nectar. Then, he jumped to his untimely death. His head hit a rock, very messy. I'm not going to get into details about what the others were doing. Let's just say, I found a nice little cave to hide in for two minutes.
Current Mood: Very Disturbed and Frightened
Day 8: Woods
Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero. Damn it. Where are those hobbits when you need them? Boy I can't wait to get my hands on those four. I'll give them something worth screaming for.....Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to hurt them.....I think? Wandered around the woods with my troops. I think I've seen that rock before but I could be wrong.
Current Mood: Feeling Lost
Day 10: Woods
Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero (Orcs don't count)
Ugh, one of the uraks was going through a mid-life crisis. I came up with the most brilliant solution: my sword in his gut. Ha ha ha. Am I a genius or what? Wait, no I'm not! Ugh, I'm such an idiot! I needed that moron for battle! I could have used him as shield! Damn it! Now, I'll just have to use a regular steel one. Grr. A urak would have been much better.
Current Mood: Angry
Day 11: Woods
Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero
Ugh, what a wretched day. The only highlight of it was one I came across a cute, fluffy bunny rabbit. Let's just say when I got done with it wasn't cute or fluffy anymore. On a different note, we're lost again but what else is new? We've passed the same chasm three times. I'm part elf, aren't I? Where the hell is my sense of direction? It doesn't help when your troops are a bunch of blubbering idiots. All they do is sit around a campfire and bitch about how life sucks and how they shouldn't be forced into slave labor. If I hear one more complaint about not getting laid I swear I'm going to freak out on the nearest orc. Besides most of them got laid by the mushroom incident four days ago.
Current Mood: About to Have a Nervous Breakdown
Day 15: Woods
Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero
Now we're getting somewhere. The troops and I have finally made it to some sort of river and have been following it for some time. I'm sure we'll come across the group of men, or whatever it's supposed to be, and finally complete this bogus mission. I've earned my face-lift. Hm, I can sense something ahead. Oh, I know what it is. It's that blasted elf Saruman warned me about. I bet he's strutting around the forest savoring his good looks. Oh, if I ever get my hands on him I'll maul his face so bad that he'll never be able to stand looking at himself again. Ha ha ha. What fun that will be. Hey, I need something to take my rage and woes out on. I've been pushing all down inside and I feel as if I'll explode any minute. He makes the perfect scapegoat. Now, was I supposed to harm the hobbits or not harm the hobbits? Damn it I can't remember! Oh well. Just to be safe I think I'll let the troops torture them. Of course I'll have to keep an eye out so they don't kill them. If Saruman gets pissed I'll say the troops did it all behind my back. He can't punish me then. Am I a genius or what?
Current Mood: Slap Happy
Day 16: Woods
Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero (The number is about to go up)
Oh, we've come across the camp of the Fellowship. I'm so happy right now. Of course my troop is anxious to start battle but I've managed to force them to wait. After all, it'll be much easier to take them out once they spilt up. Divide and conquer as they say. I think I know what a halfling is now or least I think I've seen one, well four of them. I must say, they're kind of cute. Especially that dark haired one that keeps fiddling with the chain around his neck. I have the urge to walk down there and give him a nice, big hug. It looks as if he could use one. Oh well, I can't do that now or in front of my troops. What they think of me? Once we've captured them I'll do it to him in private and if he says anything no one will believe him. He's so adorable. Those big blue eyes; that soft, creamy skin; the silky curls......I can't wait to get my hands on him. Maybe once Saruman gets what he wants from them he'll let me keep the dark haired one as a pet. I could walk him around with a collar and leash, and I'd take such good care of him. I'll feed him, brush him, clean up after him, and even bathe him. Well, now I'm just rambling and jumping ahead. Oh, the hobbit is wandering off with a man slowly trailing behind. Hm, I suppose this would be the time to strike......
Current Mood: Giddy
Day 16: Woods
Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed my me: One
Oh yeah. I killed my first man today. I found him trying to protect two of the halflings but the one I wanted wasn't one of them. Damn it. I suppose I could get him later. Anyway, this guy was so easy to kill. My troops surrounded him and swarmed him while I came up the rear. I stayed in the back and used him as target practice. He was so overrun with uraks he wasn't able to stop me. Ha ha ha. I was able to shoot him the chest but he still managed to get up and fight. Bastard. I shot him again and he still did the same thing. What does it take to kill this guy?! There's no way a man could stay standing with those huge honkers of arrows imbedded in his flesh. Well, third time was the charm I guess. He finally fell with the third arrow but he was still alive! Argh! I don't need this type of crap. At least the look on his face as his halfling friends as they were carried away made it worth while. It was so cute. The two of them were reaching out to him and crying. What pathetic creatures. Maybe I'll give them a hug later. They look like they could use one. Now I'm getting off track again. Anyway, I walked over to this guy and pointed my arrow right in front of him. The face he made almost caused me to laugh. So pitiful. I'm noticing a lot of that in this group. I was about impale his eye with it when this other man came out of nowhere and knocked the bow out of my hand. The nerve of that moron! Who the hell does he think he is?! We started ducking it out with some swords. I managed to hit him in the face and give him a bloody nose and lip. He managed to chop my arm off. Ouch. He then rammed the sword in my gut. Double owie. He then chopped my head off. Son of a bitch. Now I'm in some sort of fiery place. I didn't get my halfling and I didn't get to mess up pretty boy's face. Hell if I know where I am. It's somewhat odd. There little creatures in red jumpsuits holding pitchforks and they're all looking at me, they're smiling at me.....this can't be good. Someone is going to end up paying for this. Hey, is that guy I just filled with arrows over there?
Current Mood: Murderous Rage