Silent Heartbeats 24: Goths and EMTS and Head Shrinkers, oh my!
By Maureen
if you're still reading this then you don't care about the language used. So there.
***
More and more Jamie had been realizing how wonderful his life had become. He was only going to therapy once a week now too, which was a distinct improvement. He hated therapy with a passion.
But he loved Catie. Even simply sitting with Catie was special. That's what they were doing at the moment, relaxing under the bleachers at Kingsport High School, watching Val and fellow cheerleader clones torture themselves in the cold.
Jamie never understood why people would want to hurt themselves for their school. For what they believed was certainly understandable, but for a school? You were just going to leave the school in the end and what was the point of that?
That was why he and Catie, liked the bleachers. Hanging out underneath them was shady in the summer and much less windy than the average Virginia winter, plus they could still laugh at the jocks on the practice field without being seen. In the end, a win-win situation.
Catie sighed, content to relax in her boyfriends arms. She enjoyed cuddling way too much. "Comfy?" Jamie asked. Catie nodded contentedly, snuggling into Jamie's chest. "Good, because it's time to get up."
Jamie tried to dump her onto the ground, but discovered it was very difficult when they were already sitting on the ground. *Why? What time is it?* Catie signed, pouting a little that her pillow had moved.
*3:30. I have to go to the head shrinker.* Jamie never said "psychologist" or "therapist", especially out loud. It was always "a doctors appointment" if he said it verbally. He was ashamed that he needed one, despite Alex's assurances that this was standard procedure. And no one at the station had made fun of him or anything...unlike that time the girl had a reaction to her asthma medication and had knocked him unconcious.
*Damn. Well, I'll talk to you later, okay?*
*Sure. Love you.*
*Love you too! Now go before you're late!*
Jamie smiled to himself and headed towards his motorcycle.
***
*So how did this make you feel?* Dr. Applehearst asked Jamie for what seemed to be the fifty-millionth time in the almost-year he had been seeing the teen.
Jamie looked at him strangely from across the desk. He was slouched in his chair as usual, steadfastly refusing to lay on the provided couch. "It pissed me off of course! I mean, normal people get pissed when they do their homework and leave it at home!"
*But did you take that anger out on anybody?*
"You know I didn't! You get a weekly statement about what's going on and what I've done from Alex and my teachers! God...Forgetting my homework once is not the end of the world. And I haven't been in trouble in months!"
Applehearst nodded, jotting notes onto his yellow legal sized notepad. He was a fairly traditional psychologist, but he worked in an unconventional setting. While his office was littered with books and notes and patient folders, he conducted the actual meetings in a separate room. Each wall was a different colour, including the floor and ceiling and although he had a desk, chairs and a couch in the room, Jamie got the sense that Applehearst wouldn't complain if he had decided to lay on the floor.
That's what Jamie was going to do on his last therapy session. He was going to lay on the floor and make the 'head shrinker' sit on the floor with him. He was certain Applehearsts' bones would creak something awful. It was the little things like this that made Jamie miss having his hearing.
Jamie's attention wandered around the room, checking everything out. In his peripheral vision he saw Applehearsts hand waving at him. "You fluttered?" Jamie asked innocently.
*Yes. Thank you for your attention. I was about to ask how Catie's doing.*
"Catie?" Jamie paused for a minute unsure how to answer. He knew this was a mind trick to get information, but he wasn't being asked about himself. Clever. "Catie's fine."
*She's graduating this year, isn't she?*
"Yeah, in June."
*Does she know where she's going to school yet?*
"She was accepted to Ohio State already, but she's not sure if she wants to go there. She hasn't accepted yet."
*How does this make you feel?*
"About what? Her leaving? Who the hell would want to stay here? Going so far away? If she's happy, why not? Or are you referring to her waffling decision?"
*I meant 'how do you feel about her possibly leaving you?'*
Jamie stared at the doctor. *Bastard,* he signed, before continuing aloud, "I don't want her to go of course! But...Alex and I were talking about it, and I think he's right. It's not fair to either of us if she stays here because of me. I want her to be happy."
*You think you love her?*
Jamie shrugged and didn't answer.
*You know everything you say in here is confidential.*
Jamie continued to stare at him. Finally he answered, "I think that's between Catie and myself. See ya next week."
***
It wasn't that he hated the head shrinker, Jamie reflected on his drive home, but that he had an annoying tendency to ask the worst questions at the worst times. He was certain that one of the qualifications to being a psychologist was a mild enjoyment of sadism.
But the damn questions kept persisting. 'do you love Catie?' 'she might leave you to go to school.' Jamie just wanted to live in the now with her, and not worry about what may or may not happen in 6 months!
'Do you love Catie?' the question nagged him. He wasn't sure anymore, not entirely. On one hand, of course he did, she was his girlfriend. But if she loved him in return why would she seriously consider leaving? And they had some great times together, but they had drifted apart a little of the recent weeks and even though they were still close, their lives were busy. Jamie sighed, pulling into his parking space at the apartment complex.
Damn shrink.
***
*Hey Alex, has Catie said anything about where she wants to go to school?* Jamie asked at dinner around a mouthful od spaghetti.
Alex looked at his son askance. *She's accepted OSU three weeks ago. She's already sent in her confirmation, Val said.*
*Really?* Jamie replied, surprised. She hadn't said anything to him! *I'm not hungry anymore.*
Jamie went straight to his room and logged onto the internet, hoping she'd be online. Thankfully she was.
ProbEMT: hey Catie
Gothrebel: hey Jamie! *kisses*
ProbEMT: you didn't tell me you decided to go to OSU
Gothrebel: ...oh
ProbEMT: why not?
Gothrebel: I didn't think you'd like it
ProbEMT: I don't like you not telling me things!
Gothrebel: I'm sorry. I just didn't want to hurt you
ProbEMT: oh so now I'm some dumb deafie that needs to be protected?! Is that it?!
Gothrebel: No! Jamie!
**ProbEMT logged off**
Jamie locked himself in his room for the rest of the night.
But Alex had a key to the door. He wasn't stupid enough to let a teenager live in his apartment without having a key to the bedroom door. Opening the door Alex was surprised to see the darkness. The curtains were closed, the computer shut down, there was no light anywhere except where the hallway light came through the door.
Jamie slouched in his desk chair, his feet propped on the bed. Cradled in his arms was his guitar which he strummed absently. His eyes were closed.
Gently Alex touched Jamie's shoulder. Jamie's eyes flew open and he whirled around, facing Alex. "Get out!" he screamed, begining to stand up. "Out!"
Alex closed the bedroom door and gingerly sat against it on the floor, there was a rainstorm coming, he could feel it. After his eyes adjusted to the light he could see Jamie's silohuette.
After a few minutes Jamie turned his back to his foster father and began to play the guitar a little again. With a start, Alex realized he knew the song, "American Pie" by Don McLean. He began to sing it to himself, wincing whenever he or Jamie hit a wrong note. They would not be the next musical duo that was for sure!
Finally Jamie stopped and turned around. "Why are you still here? I know it's not for my playing."
*Good point,* Alex replied, wondering how well signing would work in the dark. *What's wrong?*
"What's wrong? Why does everyone want to know what's wrong? You want to know Dr. Appletree or whatever his name is wants to know! I'm sick of people wanting to know my business!"
*Jamie,* Alex gave him a 'look', *Don't give me that crap. You don't usually lock yourself in a darkened room and play your guitar. In fact, this is the first time you've touched it since you moved in here. Now what's wrong?*
"Catie's leaving and she didn't tell me." Jamie pouted like a child, not sure what upset him more. "I don't want her to go. Everyone goes."
Alex slowly stood up, making a mental note to take some aspirin as soon as he could. *Come here,* Alex said, pulling Jamie gently towards the bed. Jamie was almost sitting in Alex's lap. Alex just held his son letting the sobs that wracked his body subside.
He handed Jamie a kleenex to blow his nose. *Feel any better?* It was always awkward for Alex every time Jamie broke down, but at least now it was for a tangible reason that Alex could maybe help fix.
Jamie nodded. *I...it's just that everybody leaves. My mom left, my dad, Peter. They're all scum but they were my scum you know? And they left.*
Alex sat there for a minute, not sure what to say. He never really thought that Catie leaving would affect Jamie so much, or that his family abandoning him at different times meant anything since they all had treated him like dirt. *But you've gained a new family and just because Catie's going away to school doesn't mean you can't still be friends. And maybe I'll even let you go visit her on a long weekend or something.*
*But we won't be going out!*
Alex sighed. This was more complex than he had realized. He knew that Jamie loved Catie and vice versa even if the two kids hadn't realized it yet, but at the same time they were still kids. Catie had only recently turned 18. *Hank and Tyler aren't going out anymore either. In fact, Tyler is thinking of taking Val to prom. You can always be friends no matter how much it may hurt at first. And who knows? You two might get back together in a few years.*
Jamie nodded, snuffling. Alex handed him another tissue. *I guess you're right,* Jamie reluctantly agreed. *But I don't like it.*
*I know, Punkie, I know. You're not supposed to like it. It's life.* Jamie and Alex had spent New Years with Alex's family once again and Jamie kept beating Karl at Donkey Kong for play station and at one point Karl had hollered 'stupid Punkie always beating me!', much to the amusement of everyone, including Jamie. In only a few short weeks it had become something of a pet name between Jamie, Alex and his family.
Jamie stood up and stretched, helping Alex up with his bad back. They headed into the living room all emotional outbursts forgotten about in the bond of manhood.
An hour later Alex got up from the movie they had decided to watch to get more popcorn and found Jamie sprawled on the floor, asleep.
***
A/N: only one more chapter left! Hopefully I will work on Pounding Heartbeats now and finish it (it will be about 8 chapters total so it shouldn't take too long) and the next story in this saga is called Silent Lives (I think - it could change). After all, there are still many things Jamie must overcome...can anyone guess what some of them are?
My dad once bought me a sweatshirt that said "Ferengi and Klingons and Borg, oh my!" what's even sadder is that I wore it. Once. Only once. I still have it, it is very comfortable to lounge around my bedroom in during the winter. But I only do it when there's no one else around and I am feeling especially dorky.
By Maureen
if you're still reading this then you don't care about the language used. So there.
***
More and more Jamie had been realizing how wonderful his life had become. He was only going to therapy once a week now too, which was a distinct improvement. He hated therapy with a passion.
But he loved Catie. Even simply sitting with Catie was special. That's what they were doing at the moment, relaxing under the bleachers at Kingsport High School, watching Val and fellow cheerleader clones torture themselves in the cold.
Jamie never understood why people would want to hurt themselves for their school. For what they believed was certainly understandable, but for a school? You were just going to leave the school in the end and what was the point of that?
That was why he and Catie, liked the bleachers. Hanging out underneath them was shady in the summer and much less windy than the average Virginia winter, plus they could still laugh at the jocks on the practice field without being seen. In the end, a win-win situation.
Catie sighed, content to relax in her boyfriends arms. She enjoyed cuddling way too much. "Comfy?" Jamie asked. Catie nodded contentedly, snuggling into Jamie's chest. "Good, because it's time to get up."
Jamie tried to dump her onto the ground, but discovered it was very difficult when they were already sitting on the ground. *Why? What time is it?* Catie signed, pouting a little that her pillow had moved.
*3:30. I have to go to the head shrinker.* Jamie never said "psychologist" or "therapist", especially out loud. It was always "a doctors appointment" if he said it verbally. He was ashamed that he needed one, despite Alex's assurances that this was standard procedure. And no one at the station had made fun of him or anything...unlike that time the girl had a reaction to her asthma medication and had knocked him unconcious.
*Damn. Well, I'll talk to you later, okay?*
*Sure. Love you.*
*Love you too! Now go before you're late!*
Jamie smiled to himself and headed towards his motorcycle.
***
*So how did this make you feel?* Dr. Applehearst asked Jamie for what seemed to be the fifty-millionth time in the almost-year he had been seeing the teen.
Jamie looked at him strangely from across the desk. He was slouched in his chair as usual, steadfastly refusing to lay on the provided couch. "It pissed me off of course! I mean, normal people get pissed when they do their homework and leave it at home!"
*But did you take that anger out on anybody?*
"You know I didn't! You get a weekly statement about what's going on and what I've done from Alex and my teachers! God...Forgetting my homework once is not the end of the world. And I haven't been in trouble in months!"
Applehearst nodded, jotting notes onto his yellow legal sized notepad. He was a fairly traditional psychologist, but he worked in an unconventional setting. While his office was littered with books and notes and patient folders, he conducted the actual meetings in a separate room. Each wall was a different colour, including the floor and ceiling and although he had a desk, chairs and a couch in the room, Jamie got the sense that Applehearst wouldn't complain if he had decided to lay on the floor.
That's what Jamie was going to do on his last therapy session. He was going to lay on the floor and make the 'head shrinker' sit on the floor with him. He was certain Applehearsts' bones would creak something awful. It was the little things like this that made Jamie miss having his hearing.
Jamie's attention wandered around the room, checking everything out. In his peripheral vision he saw Applehearsts hand waving at him. "You fluttered?" Jamie asked innocently.
*Yes. Thank you for your attention. I was about to ask how Catie's doing.*
"Catie?" Jamie paused for a minute unsure how to answer. He knew this was a mind trick to get information, but he wasn't being asked about himself. Clever. "Catie's fine."
*She's graduating this year, isn't she?*
"Yeah, in June."
*Does she know where she's going to school yet?*
"She was accepted to Ohio State already, but she's not sure if she wants to go there. She hasn't accepted yet."
*How does this make you feel?*
"About what? Her leaving? Who the hell would want to stay here? Going so far away? If she's happy, why not? Or are you referring to her waffling decision?"
*I meant 'how do you feel about her possibly leaving you?'*
Jamie stared at the doctor. *Bastard,* he signed, before continuing aloud, "I don't want her to go of course! But...Alex and I were talking about it, and I think he's right. It's not fair to either of us if she stays here because of me. I want her to be happy."
*You think you love her?*
Jamie shrugged and didn't answer.
*You know everything you say in here is confidential.*
Jamie continued to stare at him. Finally he answered, "I think that's between Catie and myself. See ya next week."
***
It wasn't that he hated the head shrinker, Jamie reflected on his drive home, but that he had an annoying tendency to ask the worst questions at the worst times. He was certain that one of the qualifications to being a psychologist was a mild enjoyment of sadism.
But the damn questions kept persisting. 'do you love Catie?' 'she might leave you to go to school.' Jamie just wanted to live in the now with her, and not worry about what may or may not happen in 6 months!
'Do you love Catie?' the question nagged him. He wasn't sure anymore, not entirely. On one hand, of course he did, she was his girlfriend. But if she loved him in return why would she seriously consider leaving? And they had some great times together, but they had drifted apart a little of the recent weeks and even though they were still close, their lives were busy. Jamie sighed, pulling into his parking space at the apartment complex.
Damn shrink.
***
*Hey Alex, has Catie said anything about where she wants to go to school?* Jamie asked at dinner around a mouthful od spaghetti.
Alex looked at his son askance. *She's accepted OSU three weeks ago. She's already sent in her confirmation, Val said.*
*Really?* Jamie replied, surprised. She hadn't said anything to him! *I'm not hungry anymore.*
Jamie went straight to his room and logged onto the internet, hoping she'd be online. Thankfully she was.
ProbEMT: hey Catie
Gothrebel: hey Jamie! *kisses*
ProbEMT: you didn't tell me you decided to go to OSU
Gothrebel: ...oh
ProbEMT: why not?
Gothrebel: I didn't think you'd like it
ProbEMT: I don't like you not telling me things!
Gothrebel: I'm sorry. I just didn't want to hurt you
ProbEMT: oh so now I'm some dumb deafie that needs to be protected?! Is that it?!
Gothrebel: No! Jamie!
**ProbEMT logged off**
Jamie locked himself in his room for the rest of the night.
But Alex had a key to the door. He wasn't stupid enough to let a teenager live in his apartment without having a key to the bedroom door. Opening the door Alex was surprised to see the darkness. The curtains were closed, the computer shut down, there was no light anywhere except where the hallway light came through the door.
Jamie slouched in his desk chair, his feet propped on the bed. Cradled in his arms was his guitar which he strummed absently. His eyes were closed.
Gently Alex touched Jamie's shoulder. Jamie's eyes flew open and he whirled around, facing Alex. "Get out!" he screamed, begining to stand up. "Out!"
Alex closed the bedroom door and gingerly sat against it on the floor, there was a rainstorm coming, he could feel it. After his eyes adjusted to the light he could see Jamie's silohuette.
After a few minutes Jamie turned his back to his foster father and began to play the guitar a little again. With a start, Alex realized he knew the song, "American Pie" by Don McLean. He began to sing it to himself, wincing whenever he or Jamie hit a wrong note. They would not be the next musical duo that was for sure!
Finally Jamie stopped and turned around. "Why are you still here? I know it's not for my playing."
*Good point,* Alex replied, wondering how well signing would work in the dark. *What's wrong?*
"What's wrong? Why does everyone want to know what's wrong? You want to know Dr. Appletree or whatever his name is wants to know! I'm sick of people wanting to know my business!"
*Jamie,* Alex gave him a 'look', *Don't give me that crap. You don't usually lock yourself in a darkened room and play your guitar. In fact, this is the first time you've touched it since you moved in here. Now what's wrong?*
"Catie's leaving and she didn't tell me." Jamie pouted like a child, not sure what upset him more. "I don't want her to go. Everyone goes."
Alex slowly stood up, making a mental note to take some aspirin as soon as he could. *Come here,* Alex said, pulling Jamie gently towards the bed. Jamie was almost sitting in Alex's lap. Alex just held his son letting the sobs that wracked his body subside.
He handed Jamie a kleenex to blow his nose. *Feel any better?* It was always awkward for Alex every time Jamie broke down, but at least now it was for a tangible reason that Alex could maybe help fix.
Jamie nodded. *I...it's just that everybody leaves. My mom left, my dad, Peter. They're all scum but they were my scum you know? And they left.*
Alex sat there for a minute, not sure what to say. He never really thought that Catie leaving would affect Jamie so much, or that his family abandoning him at different times meant anything since they all had treated him like dirt. *But you've gained a new family and just because Catie's going away to school doesn't mean you can't still be friends. And maybe I'll even let you go visit her on a long weekend or something.*
*But we won't be going out!*
Alex sighed. This was more complex than he had realized. He knew that Jamie loved Catie and vice versa even if the two kids hadn't realized it yet, but at the same time they were still kids. Catie had only recently turned 18. *Hank and Tyler aren't going out anymore either. In fact, Tyler is thinking of taking Val to prom. You can always be friends no matter how much it may hurt at first. And who knows? You two might get back together in a few years.*
Jamie nodded, snuffling. Alex handed him another tissue. *I guess you're right,* Jamie reluctantly agreed. *But I don't like it.*
*I know, Punkie, I know. You're not supposed to like it. It's life.* Jamie and Alex had spent New Years with Alex's family once again and Jamie kept beating Karl at Donkey Kong for play station and at one point Karl had hollered 'stupid Punkie always beating me!', much to the amusement of everyone, including Jamie. In only a few short weeks it had become something of a pet name between Jamie, Alex and his family.
Jamie stood up and stretched, helping Alex up with his bad back. They headed into the living room all emotional outbursts forgotten about in the bond of manhood.
An hour later Alex got up from the movie they had decided to watch to get more popcorn and found Jamie sprawled on the floor, asleep.
***
A/N: only one more chapter left! Hopefully I will work on Pounding Heartbeats now and finish it (it will be about 8 chapters total so it shouldn't take too long) and the next story in this saga is called Silent Lives (I think - it could change). After all, there are still many things Jamie must overcome...can anyone guess what some of them are?
My dad once bought me a sweatshirt that said "Ferengi and Klingons and Borg, oh my!" what's even sadder is that I wore it. Once. Only once. I still have it, it is very comfortable to lounge around my bedroom in during the winter. But I only do it when there's no one else around and I am feeling especially dorky.