Part the Fourth: Misinterpretation is a long word
Author's Note: Yes, Herbal Essences does not sell blue shampoo. And that leads me to…
Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings characters belong to the JRR Tolkien Estate (I think that's what it's called) and his son Christopher. Legolas' blue bottle of Herbal Essences exists solely due to my imagination. The same goes for Sterransen.
We left off at the point where Legolas was washing Aragorn's hair. And, you know, with it being Herbal Essences and all…
* * * * * * *
It was in this relaxed state that Boromir, who had just woken up and realised that two beds were empty, found them.
He froze with one hand holding the ferns out of his way, the other hanging limply at his side. His jaw hung open in a comical attitude of astonishment and disbelief. Realising how silly he would look to anyone happening to see him, he closed his mouth. His eyes were still staring at the two figures, sitting in the river.
Aragorn had his eyes shut, and actually seemed to be moaning. Legolas had that little quirky smile on his face while he ran his hands through Aragorn's hair. No… it could not be… Were Aragorn and Legolas having some sort of kinky sex? If so, could he join? Oh, where did that thought come from? Bad Boromir, bad. You are not gay, he reprimanded himself sternly.
Legolas looked up suddenly. Boromir did some quick thinking and realised that if Legolas saw him, which he undoubtedly would, then he (Legolas) would think that he (Boromir) had been spying on them. Which, although it was true, would never do. So he would have to take the initiative.
Gathering his wits about him, he called across to Legolas in a voice louder than was strictly necessary.
"What are you doing, Legolas?"
The reaction was nothing short of cataclysmic.
Aragorn sat up so abruptly that the back of his head connected with Legolas's chin. Ignoring the yelp of pain from the elf and the shock to his own cranium, he began frantically scrabbling for his sword, which lay unbuckled in its scabbard, on the bank.
"Show yourself!" he rasped.
Boromir was dumbstruck at the traces of bubbly white in Aragorn's hair. His suspicions were crystallising with the speed of a tortoise on sedatives, which is actually quite fast thinking by Boromir's standards.
"You… and Legolas…" he blurted.
"Yes, me, and Legolas," Aragorn said impatiently, brandishing his sword. "Glad you know our names, Boromir. What did you want?"
"You… and Legolas… were…were…" Boromir stuttered, unable to get the words out past his mental block of disbelief.
"We were what?" growled Legolas, rising from the stream rubbing his jaw.
"Together," Boromir squeaked. "Doing something," he concluded, with a little more confidence.
"Yes," said Legolas. "Aragorn needed it. Apparently he's never done it before."
Boromir considered this. "Never done it before… with you, or with anyone?"
"Anyone."
Boromir sat down heavily on a stone. "Wow," he commented. "I… wouldn't have thought Aragorn was that kind of person."
Legolas snorted. "You wouldn't? Look at him, for Eärendil's sake! He was a walking dirtbag before I fixed him up!"
"Thanks. I really appreciate that evaluation of my looks," Aragorn said sarcastically, sheathing his blade.
"It's truth!"
"I'll have you know, you young upstart, that many women found me attractive before you 'fixed me up'…"
"Who are you calling 'young'? For all you know, I could be old enough to be your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather! Have some respect for the immortals!"
"I happen to know that you're not even a hundred. The hobbits could put you to shame! So don't go preaching at me with your, I'm an elf, I'm superior, sermon!"
Boromir, meanwhile, was putting two and two together and getting two hundred and twenty two.
"Wait, guys," he interrupted. "So what you're saying is, you're both together? How long has this been going on?"
Legolas and Aragorn broke off their quarrel. "What do you mean?"
"How long have you guys been… you know…" He made a random gesture in the air which could have been interpreted in about a thousand different ways. Neither Legolas not Aragorn took it the way he meant it. After all, they'd been washing their hair, not harboring lustful thoughts and self-contradictions.
"I'm not sure," said Legolas, looking up at the sky. "One loses track of the time after a while. Have we been very long?"
But Boromir had remembered a nugget of information from earlier conversations at the dinner table. "Legolas… don't you have a girlfriend?"
"Yes, I do, and what exactly has that got to do with this discussion?"
"Well, I mean, I mean… you do this often?" queried Boromir, cringing inwardly. He wouldn't have taken Legolas to be the kind of person who would cheat on his lover… and with a member of the same sex, too.
Legolas was thinking on a completely different wavelength, in case you hadn't already figured that out. "Yes," he repeated. "Twice a week."
"So you're very experienced," Boromir persisted. "You could probably do me some good," he added, leering a little.
"I'm sure I could," Legolas replied, eyeing Boromir's hair distastefully.
"And this was Aragorn's first time? He was a virgin before this?" Boromir continued.
Aragorn, who had been rinsing out his hair in the stream, straightened abruptly. "What!" he exclaimed. "Boromir, are we all talking about the same thing?!"
Boromir was equally taken aback. "You mean you and the elf weren't… you know…" he wrung his hands. "Having sex?" he finished, in a whisper.
"What?!" yelled Aragorn, even louder than before.
"Don't say what, Aragorn, say Pardon," Legolas muttered.
"What was that?!"
"Nothing!" Legolas looked away innocently. Butterscotch wouldn't have melted in his mouth.
Aragorn turned back to Boromir and vented his thoughts. "You mean, you thought Legolas and I were gay?! Having SEX?! What kind of pervert are you?!"
Legolas opened his mouth and closed it again in a fairly convincing goldfish imitation. "You mean… he thought… and I said…" He began to laugh helplessly.
Aragorn stopped mid-rant and gawked at him. "You're finding this funny? How could you? Your reputation is at stake here! The whole Fellowship thinks you and I are gay! Where's the humour in it?"
Clutching his sides, Legolas sat down on a rock in the creek. "Boromir asked… did I do this often, and I said… twice a week!" He dissolved into mirth.
Boromir went from looking poleaxed to looking like he might giggle. Aragorn glared fiercely at him, and the look on Aragorn's face was enough to start him chuckling.
Aragorn was not amused. With his foot, he shoved Boromir into the middle of the stream, on top of Legolas. The wet, bedraggled man and elf supported each other as they roared with laughter. This went on for some time.
Finally Aragorn saw the funny side of it all, and after being reassured umpteen times that nobody else in the Fellowship had seen them, he too collapsed into the water and snickered along with Boromir and Legolas.
Legolas offered to wash Boromir's hair. This was accomplished with Aragorn joining in, water fights, and the blue bottle being completely emptied.
Their laughter could probably have been heard back at the camp, although at the moment they weren't worried about the rest of their Company. (This may or may not have repercussions later on in the story.)
If somebody had chosen to attack them, they'd have been slaughtered in seconds, but luckily they were still well within the boundaries of Rivendell territory. (And if they got killed, that would play havoc with the plot. I'd have to continue with a Fellowship of Six.)
Eventually, they calmed themselves down, dried themselves off, and got their weary selves back to bed.
As he rolled into his sleeping bag, Legolas cursed aloud.
"Damn!" he thought, snuggling into the warmth. "I'm out of shampoo!"
-fin part four-
Thanks to my many reviewers for support: Eileen, AJ Matthews, odyssey, Shila, PrincesS of MirkwooD, Amancirith Carangarien, Shir'Ann, Lady Robyn, Aniron, Eos-Is-Mah-Muse-157, Kitty, Mercuria, Blood thirsty, Elendawen, Zage.
I'm glad you guys liked it so far. I did use a snippet from a review earlier on, so the credit for that goes to Sarindra.
Did anyone hear Legolas, Aragorn or Boromir in the stream? Where is this story heading? Is it even going to be continued? Review, and we shall see!