What? Seifer was crying like a baby! Real tears! He couldn't remember ever
seeing Seifer cry...but this- this wasn't Seifer! At least not as he
remembered him. But then, if he didn't have the memories of the old Seifer,
was he accountable for what that Seifer had done? Squall didn't think
so...but it tore his guts.
"Justice?" He hissed, glaring at Seifer. "There is no justice in the world- only senseless pain. We are all cursed, God hates us for our stupidity. We fight and kill each other for nothing. We die..." He gulped air, biting his lip and drawing blood- the coppery taste burst into his mouth, filled his nostrils. Maybe Seifer was fine with crying, making a fool of himself. Squall wouldn't humiliate himself like that.
"We die for no purpose, and those who deserve to die..." He gnawed at the wound, wrestling with the hate within his soul. A hand shot out and grabbed Seifer's collar. He would smash his head against the table, would break his skull apart and put an end to him forever...no...no...would it really make him feel any better to kill Seifer? No...killing never made anyone happy...Rinoa wouldn't want him to kill Seifer.
That thought undid him. He didn't finish his sentence, he let go of Seifer and stormed out through the door. He had barely gone two steps beyond the auto-sealing door before he fell to his knees, sobbing harsh, rending sobs, his hot tears splashing over the cold metal floor plates.
Seifer was physically shaken when Squall let him go. Adrenalin made him jittery, cost him his breath, until he dropped to his knees, his bag falling from his shoulder to the metal floor. "What did I do," he whispered to the empty air, "Help me make it right!"
There was no one listening to Seifer though and he had to go on what he felt, what he thought, the little he knew. He was bad, but he could make it up. He had to keep trying until he found a way. If he weren't meant to, why did he get to find his way here?
Exhausted and shaky, he gripped the metal table and pulled himself back to his feet. He didn't think he could go to Squall, comfort him. Squall wished him dead, wished him traded for this woman Rinoa. More tears fell and he laid his head on the cold metal. It hurt that there were memories just beyond what he could reach, so very frustrating. Only the feeling persisted that he'd loved Squall a long time. Maybe he hadn't liked this woman at all. Maybe he'd been jealous of her? What was he going to do now?
He didn't know. Slowly he picked up his bag and took out the little knife, not really thinking about what to do with it. The little knife, it had a wooden handle and carved into the wood was an S on one side and another on the other side. It had an old familiar feel to it. He'd shave, that's what he'd do, then he'd find Squall... Squall was in so much pain, and he'd caused it. He wanted to go to him, try to help. If Squall didn't want to kill him though, what was he to do?
It was forgetting Rinoa that had hurt Squall a lot. And that thought gave him an idea. Nervously he put his little knife away and closed the bag. It took a moment to get up his nerve, but Seifer didn't back down from anything. That felt like an old way of being too.
The door opened for him as soon as he got close and he put a hand against the wall to steady himself. "I have an idea. Remind me of her, tell me of her, make me know her like you do? And then, let's build her a monument, and make it so no one will ever forget her?"
The energy it took to say that took most of what Seifer had, and he sank down to the floor, leaning his head against the wall. "I'll move stones and we'll build it high and grand so no one will ever forget her."
Squall sniffed quietly, shaking in grief and rage. He wrapped his arms around himself and willed the tears to stop. Slowly, very slowly the spasms subsided. He felt so weak- he couldn't kill Seifer, he didn't know what to do, and Rinoa was just a memory for him, already forgotten by others.
"I don't..."
He was going to tell Seifer that he didn't want his hands defiling anything in Rinoa's name. But what was the point? Nothing had a point- Seifer's reappearance only drove that point home. There was no order in the world, nothing they did mattered.
So why don't you just kill yourself and get it all over with Squall?
He couldn't...he wanted to but- but there was something. His friends would miss him, miss him as much as he missed Rinoa...he didn't want them to experience the kind of grief that he had. They mourned for her, all of them had loved her- but not as much as Squall...
Not as much as Squall.
"I could never do her justice." He sighed, his chin drooping onto his chest. Squall felt as though he could fall asleep right there, drained of all energy and only barely holding on to the will to live. But he had to deal with Seifer. Maybe it should have been funny, Seifer coming back from the dead to hound him in the twilight of his life...at age eighteen. At the time when most people were still kids he was already a broken man.
You're pathetic Squall- the thought invaded his most private grief- Your not half the man you used to be. Would Rinoa like to see you like this? Would she be happy to know that you gave up after she died? Do you want to tell her that when you do die? I'm sorry Rinoa I just gave up? What are you made of?
Flesh! He moaned to his malicious conscience. Flesh and bone and all of humanity's faults.
Rinoa loved him even for those thoughts.
But Rinoa was dead!
Did that make it less valuable? Wouldn't it be throwing away her love to just die? To destroy the Squall she loved so well?
Squall couldn't take it. He lurched to his feet, stumbled over to Seifer and put a hand on his shoulder- the other hand pressed tightly to his face, only his eyes peeped out between his fingers.
"Take me back...back to the house- I need to rest."
Seifer laid a hand over Squall's hand and stood up away from the wall, turning so that Squall's arm was over his shoulder, at least offering his shoulder. "I will take you, and make you some thing to eat. Show me the way?"
Moving very slowly, Squall made his way down the interior of the Ragnarok. He leaned heavily on Seifer, but looked only at the gray metal platting under his feet. His booted footfalls echoed through the belly of the ship- a hollow sound. Seifer's bare feet made little noise, a kind of chuff- chuffing as his perspiration clung to the cold steel. At this point he didn't care that he was relying on Seifer, he just wanted to get back to the cool, damp shade of the ruined orphanage and bury his head under the covers.
Seifer began to feel useful and that was good. Useful was good. He could help, but Squall was so sad. "What kind of things do you like to eat?"
As soon as they were out of the ship, Seifer froze. The sight of the place he'd grown up in overwhelmed him. It was huge and voices of memories made a distant hum in the far back of his mind. He held on to Squall's hand and stared at the place. Lightheaded, he tried to understand what he felt. He didn't wanna ask Squall anymore questions either. Slowly he started walking again, bare feet on the rubble strewn ground without even feeling it. His emotions were just too intense to feel something like rocks on his feet. "Show me where to go, please."
Squall ignored both of Seifer's questions. Once they were near to the shattered entryway he pulled free- gently- and stumbled through the cracked archway into the darkness. He kept no lights burning within the orphanage, melodramatic maybe, but it seemed appropriate.
Squall stumbled wearily over to his makeshift pallet and fell down heavily, rolling onto his back, his head pillowed on a stuffed duffel bag. He threw an arm over his face and lay still as a dead man, his chest hardly moving as it slowly drew in the stale, moist air. He didn't care what Seifer did from there, he could go throw himself back into the sea for all Squall cared.
Why then did he suddenly have a vision of dashing after Seifer to keep him from doing just that?
"Justice?" He hissed, glaring at Seifer. "There is no justice in the world- only senseless pain. We are all cursed, God hates us for our stupidity. We fight and kill each other for nothing. We die..." He gulped air, biting his lip and drawing blood- the coppery taste burst into his mouth, filled his nostrils. Maybe Seifer was fine with crying, making a fool of himself. Squall wouldn't humiliate himself like that.
"We die for no purpose, and those who deserve to die..." He gnawed at the wound, wrestling with the hate within his soul. A hand shot out and grabbed Seifer's collar. He would smash his head against the table, would break his skull apart and put an end to him forever...no...no...would it really make him feel any better to kill Seifer? No...killing never made anyone happy...Rinoa wouldn't want him to kill Seifer.
That thought undid him. He didn't finish his sentence, he let go of Seifer and stormed out through the door. He had barely gone two steps beyond the auto-sealing door before he fell to his knees, sobbing harsh, rending sobs, his hot tears splashing over the cold metal floor plates.
Seifer was physically shaken when Squall let him go. Adrenalin made him jittery, cost him his breath, until he dropped to his knees, his bag falling from his shoulder to the metal floor. "What did I do," he whispered to the empty air, "Help me make it right!"
There was no one listening to Seifer though and he had to go on what he felt, what he thought, the little he knew. He was bad, but he could make it up. He had to keep trying until he found a way. If he weren't meant to, why did he get to find his way here?
Exhausted and shaky, he gripped the metal table and pulled himself back to his feet. He didn't think he could go to Squall, comfort him. Squall wished him dead, wished him traded for this woman Rinoa. More tears fell and he laid his head on the cold metal. It hurt that there were memories just beyond what he could reach, so very frustrating. Only the feeling persisted that he'd loved Squall a long time. Maybe he hadn't liked this woman at all. Maybe he'd been jealous of her? What was he going to do now?
He didn't know. Slowly he picked up his bag and took out the little knife, not really thinking about what to do with it. The little knife, it had a wooden handle and carved into the wood was an S on one side and another on the other side. It had an old familiar feel to it. He'd shave, that's what he'd do, then he'd find Squall... Squall was in so much pain, and he'd caused it. He wanted to go to him, try to help. If Squall didn't want to kill him though, what was he to do?
It was forgetting Rinoa that had hurt Squall a lot. And that thought gave him an idea. Nervously he put his little knife away and closed the bag. It took a moment to get up his nerve, but Seifer didn't back down from anything. That felt like an old way of being too.
The door opened for him as soon as he got close and he put a hand against the wall to steady himself. "I have an idea. Remind me of her, tell me of her, make me know her like you do? And then, let's build her a monument, and make it so no one will ever forget her?"
The energy it took to say that took most of what Seifer had, and he sank down to the floor, leaning his head against the wall. "I'll move stones and we'll build it high and grand so no one will ever forget her."
Squall sniffed quietly, shaking in grief and rage. He wrapped his arms around himself and willed the tears to stop. Slowly, very slowly the spasms subsided. He felt so weak- he couldn't kill Seifer, he didn't know what to do, and Rinoa was just a memory for him, already forgotten by others.
"I don't..."
He was going to tell Seifer that he didn't want his hands defiling anything in Rinoa's name. But what was the point? Nothing had a point- Seifer's reappearance only drove that point home. There was no order in the world, nothing they did mattered.
So why don't you just kill yourself and get it all over with Squall?
He couldn't...he wanted to but- but there was something. His friends would miss him, miss him as much as he missed Rinoa...he didn't want them to experience the kind of grief that he had. They mourned for her, all of them had loved her- but not as much as Squall...
Not as much as Squall.
"I could never do her justice." He sighed, his chin drooping onto his chest. Squall felt as though he could fall asleep right there, drained of all energy and only barely holding on to the will to live. But he had to deal with Seifer. Maybe it should have been funny, Seifer coming back from the dead to hound him in the twilight of his life...at age eighteen. At the time when most people were still kids he was already a broken man.
You're pathetic Squall- the thought invaded his most private grief- Your not half the man you used to be. Would Rinoa like to see you like this? Would she be happy to know that you gave up after she died? Do you want to tell her that when you do die? I'm sorry Rinoa I just gave up? What are you made of?
Flesh! He moaned to his malicious conscience. Flesh and bone and all of humanity's faults.
Rinoa loved him even for those thoughts.
But Rinoa was dead!
Did that make it less valuable? Wouldn't it be throwing away her love to just die? To destroy the Squall she loved so well?
Squall couldn't take it. He lurched to his feet, stumbled over to Seifer and put a hand on his shoulder- the other hand pressed tightly to his face, only his eyes peeped out between his fingers.
"Take me back...back to the house- I need to rest."
Seifer laid a hand over Squall's hand and stood up away from the wall, turning so that Squall's arm was over his shoulder, at least offering his shoulder. "I will take you, and make you some thing to eat. Show me the way?"
Moving very slowly, Squall made his way down the interior of the Ragnarok. He leaned heavily on Seifer, but looked only at the gray metal platting under his feet. His booted footfalls echoed through the belly of the ship- a hollow sound. Seifer's bare feet made little noise, a kind of chuff- chuffing as his perspiration clung to the cold steel. At this point he didn't care that he was relying on Seifer, he just wanted to get back to the cool, damp shade of the ruined orphanage and bury his head under the covers.
Seifer began to feel useful and that was good. Useful was good. He could help, but Squall was so sad. "What kind of things do you like to eat?"
As soon as they were out of the ship, Seifer froze. The sight of the place he'd grown up in overwhelmed him. It was huge and voices of memories made a distant hum in the far back of his mind. He held on to Squall's hand and stared at the place. Lightheaded, he tried to understand what he felt. He didn't wanna ask Squall anymore questions either. Slowly he started walking again, bare feet on the rubble strewn ground without even feeling it. His emotions were just too intense to feel something like rocks on his feet. "Show me where to go, please."
Squall ignored both of Seifer's questions. Once they were near to the shattered entryway he pulled free- gently- and stumbled through the cracked archway into the darkness. He kept no lights burning within the orphanage, melodramatic maybe, but it seemed appropriate.
Squall stumbled wearily over to his makeshift pallet and fell down heavily, rolling onto his back, his head pillowed on a stuffed duffel bag. He threw an arm over his face and lay still as a dead man, his chest hardly moving as it slowly drew in the stale, moist air. He didn't care what Seifer did from there, he could go throw himself back into the sea for all Squall cared.
Why then did he suddenly have a vision of dashing after Seifer to keep him from doing just that?