Maybe it was just some sleep he needed- damn the nightmares...
Seifer stood for a moment, watching Squall. His thoughts clear now, even with no memories, this felt familiar. Shut out. That's familiar. Cold and alone. Seifer crossed his arms across his chest and glared for a moment. He had to make atonement though and Squall never had to like him, but he still needed to protect him, help him.
Maybe there would be something in his bag, maybe offer him his sketch book. Silently, he withdrew and went back to the ship for his bag. Searching through it on the way back, he found tea, yes, he was sure it was tea, and stuff to start a fire. A quick survey of the house showed him no kitchen, no place to cook, but he did find a beat up old pot and so he set about making a small fire on the back by the stairs. He had his own cup, a small little folding plastic thing, so he couldn't make the tea too hot.
When it was cooled enough, he poured some in the cup and carried it back to Squall. "Squall, tea?"
Squall stirred a little. He was thirsty, he didn't want to accept Seifer's kindness. It was weird, and it stung something inside himself that he didn't want to think was pride.
The faint scent of freshly brewed tea floated across the room and lodged in Squall's nostrils. It was unavoidably tempting. Was there some deep harm in taking a cup of tea? It wasn't like Seifer had come this far just to poison him.
"Yeah sure..." He whispered, not uncovering his face.
With trembling fingers, Seifer held out the cup. "I didn't have any sugar," he said, apologetically. "Are you hungry? You look very tense. Would you like me to rub your back?"
The memory grabbed Seifer hard and he clenched his eyes shut for just a moment. Small, he was young, very small, here in this place, nightmare, then this man, brown red hair, still a mess, and waking him in the middle of the night, such a scowl on his face. Little Seifer, "Want me to rub your back?" He'd say anything to not be alone in the dark. That glare just staring back at him, hard to read, but it wasn't positive. "Yeah, okay fine! See if I care," Little Seifer snarled. When he opened his eyes, the room seemed light, even though it was dark. The memory was fading away, not as fast though, leaving some lingering feeling that he'd done all this before as he waited for Squall's response.
With a sigh Squall lurched upright, leaning on one hand as he reached out to take the tea. Grrr...it was just out of his fingers reach. Was that intentional or was Seifer's coordination missing along with his memory?
Squall's memory wasn't the best...the Guardian Forces had been eating a hole in his mind since he had begun to junction them. But they had power- and he didn't want to remember much anyway...
Did he want to remember Rinoa and all the pain- forever? He could junction an army of Guardian Forces, go into battle in a frenzy, let them devour his mind...no more memories, no more pain, no more guilt...
But would life without the memory of Rinoa even be life? It would be a mockery of life- worse than death.
This was a place for memories. He remembered vaguely how Seifer and he had tussled in these halls, in this room...it seemed like a long, long, long time ago.
"I can't reach the tea." He didn't answer Seifer's other question. Silence was enough.
Holding the tea with both hands, he took a step forward and put the tea in his hands, making sure it was well in his fingers. It made his throat constrict to touch Squall's fingers. As soon as the tea was in Squall's grasp, Seifer sat down on the pallet next to him. This was both because he needed to get off his feet and because it made it easier to reach Squall's shoulders.
With just one hand, he gently touched Squall's shoulder. All that white fur around his shoulders looked too thick to massage through, but he found it soft to the touch, and easy to get his fingers under the long strands. He rolled his thumb over the tight muscles, then slid it along pressing as hard as he could, which probably wouldn't be as hard as he might have been able to do before. "Take your jacket off?"
Squall bent his head over the tea, letting the warm vapors fill his senses. It had a soothing effect on him. He wrapped both his hands around the small cup, staring into the liquid which shivered ever so slightly in his grasp. He could feel Seifer's fingers on his shoulder, his muscles gave a brief of discomfort but he ignored them. So he was tense, so what? He was always tense. But Seifer's touch through his jacket was somehow strangely unsatisfying.
Squall brought the cup to his lips, sipping a tiny amount of the hot drink. He made a noncommittal sound, let Seifer think what he would.
Turning so he could reach both of Squall's shoulders he pressed his thumbs into his shoulders, massaging. He was also ready to move if Squall gave the slightest bit of resistance. Squall's hair was dirty, greasy. They were both a mess. Something really big and not good must have come into both of their lives, Seifer thought. This woman had died, for one thing. Not remembering her left a giant hole in Seifer, which quickly lead to him wondering just what all he didn't remember.
When his thoughts had been so confused, he hadn't realized how bad off he was. Now it was obvious to him that something was very wrong with him. He hoped that Squall would say his name again, because he wasn't going to ask again. Diligently, he worked down Squall's back, silently easing away the tension.
Squall tried to ignore two very distinct and related facts. He was getting a backrub from Seifer, and it felt good. He supposed it didn't matter who was doing it so much, this Seifer wasn't much like the old one, but Squall had always held physical contact to be a kind of taboo- it meant you were getting too close to that person, and when you got too close you were going to get hurt.
He rubbed the thin cup, listening to it as it crinkled softly under his touch. He sipped more of the hot liquid, not caring as it burned his tongue and throat. Pain was good, it was a different kind of pain than that which had him waking sweaty and cold with the taste of ashes in his mouth and the faintest sound of Rinoa's song in his ears. Something that Seifer had said was bothering him. Squall had known that he loved Rinoa, that he loved Rinoa more than any other person, even more than Sis- and that was in a different way. Why did Seifer say he loved Squall? More than being strange and impossible, it was upsetting.
"Why did you say that you loved me, Seifer?"
To Seifer it was just answering a question, his memory loss left him without walls, without knowing about emotional traps and fears that had kept him silent before. Still massaging even though his fingers were feeling sore, worrying that it was important what he had to say now, he said, "Because you fill my mind, thinking of you makes me feel hope and joy, because even though I can't remember events, this feeling's got roots back into the black whole of my stupid head. I mean, I guess that's the only word I have for this feeling. I mean that even when there's nothing left in my head, I'm still looking for you. I mean, I need to see you okay and happy."
Because you make me feel safe, because you make me feel whole...
Rinoa...
The pain, the memory of fire and light and death, death everywhere and love and life going out in a moment...
Squall pulled away from Seifer, forcing his weary muscles to respond. He stalked over to the far side of the room and lay his forehead on the cool, mossy stone.
"I don't deserve anyone's love."
He meant it exactly as he said it. Love was real- he couldn't deny that any longer. He and Rinoa had shared love, and now that she was gone Squall could never be whole again. Seifer was sick, delusional...and Squall felt full of pity for him. He could never return Seifer's love, he had never thought of men in that way, and he would never love anyone but Rinoa, no one, not ever again. It hurt too much loosing her. Sis had gone all those years ago, and Rinoa had slowly drawn him out of his shell. She had seen the man beneath all the misery and fear and kindled within Squall the emotions he had for so long feared to express.
The shell was back in a sense- he had foresworn ever finding joy in life again, but his emotions could no longer be suppressed.
So he pitied Seifer, the poor fool...
Seifer watched this man long moments. Head against the wall, he stood there as if the expected the world to just stop around him. It wouldn't hurt this guy to take a nap on that metal table and have his clothes turned to shreds either. There was little point in putting precious energy into telling the man how much beloved him or how important he was to him. Having said it at all though felt good though. Now, he'd work on acting those feelings out. Making things as good as he could for Squall.
He leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. There were too many questions to even start asking them. This place made him feel comfortable though, as if it had been a home at one time.
Seifer stood for a moment, watching Squall. His thoughts clear now, even with no memories, this felt familiar. Shut out. That's familiar. Cold and alone. Seifer crossed his arms across his chest and glared for a moment. He had to make atonement though and Squall never had to like him, but he still needed to protect him, help him.
Maybe there would be something in his bag, maybe offer him his sketch book. Silently, he withdrew and went back to the ship for his bag. Searching through it on the way back, he found tea, yes, he was sure it was tea, and stuff to start a fire. A quick survey of the house showed him no kitchen, no place to cook, but he did find a beat up old pot and so he set about making a small fire on the back by the stairs. He had his own cup, a small little folding plastic thing, so he couldn't make the tea too hot.
When it was cooled enough, he poured some in the cup and carried it back to Squall. "Squall, tea?"
Squall stirred a little. He was thirsty, he didn't want to accept Seifer's kindness. It was weird, and it stung something inside himself that he didn't want to think was pride.
The faint scent of freshly brewed tea floated across the room and lodged in Squall's nostrils. It was unavoidably tempting. Was there some deep harm in taking a cup of tea? It wasn't like Seifer had come this far just to poison him.
"Yeah sure..." He whispered, not uncovering his face.
With trembling fingers, Seifer held out the cup. "I didn't have any sugar," he said, apologetically. "Are you hungry? You look very tense. Would you like me to rub your back?"
The memory grabbed Seifer hard and he clenched his eyes shut for just a moment. Small, he was young, very small, here in this place, nightmare, then this man, brown red hair, still a mess, and waking him in the middle of the night, such a scowl on his face. Little Seifer, "Want me to rub your back?" He'd say anything to not be alone in the dark. That glare just staring back at him, hard to read, but it wasn't positive. "Yeah, okay fine! See if I care," Little Seifer snarled. When he opened his eyes, the room seemed light, even though it was dark. The memory was fading away, not as fast though, leaving some lingering feeling that he'd done all this before as he waited for Squall's response.
With a sigh Squall lurched upright, leaning on one hand as he reached out to take the tea. Grrr...it was just out of his fingers reach. Was that intentional or was Seifer's coordination missing along with his memory?
Squall's memory wasn't the best...the Guardian Forces had been eating a hole in his mind since he had begun to junction them. But they had power- and he didn't want to remember much anyway...
Did he want to remember Rinoa and all the pain- forever? He could junction an army of Guardian Forces, go into battle in a frenzy, let them devour his mind...no more memories, no more pain, no more guilt...
But would life without the memory of Rinoa even be life? It would be a mockery of life- worse than death.
This was a place for memories. He remembered vaguely how Seifer and he had tussled in these halls, in this room...it seemed like a long, long, long time ago.
"I can't reach the tea." He didn't answer Seifer's other question. Silence was enough.
Holding the tea with both hands, he took a step forward and put the tea in his hands, making sure it was well in his fingers. It made his throat constrict to touch Squall's fingers. As soon as the tea was in Squall's grasp, Seifer sat down on the pallet next to him. This was both because he needed to get off his feet and because it made it easier to reach Squall's shoulders.
With just one hand, he gently touched Squall's shoulder. All that white fur around his shoulders looked too thick to massage through, but he found it soft to the touch, and easy to get his fingers under the long strands. He rolled his thumb over the tight muscles, then slid it along pressing as hard as he could, which probably wouldn't be as hard as he might have been able to do before. "Take your jacket off?"
Squall bent his head over the tea, letting the warm vapors fill his senses. It had a soothing effect on him. He wrapped both his hands around the small cup, staring into the liquid which shivered ever so slightly in his grasp. He could feel Seifer's fingers on his shoulder, his muscles gave a brief of discomfort but he ignored them. So he was tense, so what? He was always tense. But Seifer's touch through his jacket was somehow strangely unsatisfying.
Squall brought the cup to his lips, sipping a tiny amount of the hot drink. He made a noncommittal sound, let Seifer think what he would.
Turning so he could reach both of Squall's shoulders he pressed his thumbs into his shoulders, massaging. He was also ready to move if Squall gave the slightest bit of resistance. Squall's hair was dirty, greasy. They were both a mess. Something really big and not good must have come into both of their lives, Seifer thought. This woman had died, for one thing. Not remembering her left a giant hole in Seifer, which quickly lead to him wondering just what all he didn't remember.
When his thoughts had been so confused, he hadn't realized how bad off he was. Now it was obvious to him that something was very wrong with him. He hoped that Squall would say his name again, because he wasn't going to ask again. Diligently, he worked down Squall's back, silently easing away the tension.
Squall tried to ignore two very distinct and related facts. He was getting a backrub from Seifer, and it felt good. He supposed it didn't matter who was doing it so much, this Seifer wasn't much like the old one, but Squall had always held physical contact to be a kind of taboo- it meant you were getting too close to that person, and when you got too close you were going to get hurt.
He rubbed the thin cup, listening to it as it crinkled softly under his touch. He sipped more of the hot liquid, not caring as it burned his tongue and throat. Pain was good, it was a different kind of pain than that which had him waking sweaty and cold with the taste of ashes in his mouth and the faintest sound of Rinoa's song in his ears. Something that Seifer had said was bothering him. Squall had known that he loved Rinoa, that he loved Rinoa more than any other person, even more than Sis- and that was in a different way. Why did Seifer say he loved Squall? More than being strange and impossible, it was upsetting.
"Why did you say that you loved me, Seifer?"
To Seifer it was just answering a question, his memory loss left him without walls, without knowing about emotional traps and fears that had kept him silent before. Still massaging even though his fingers were feeling sore, worrying that it was important what he had to say now, he said, "Because you fill my mind, thinking of you makes me feel hope and joy, because even though I can't remember events, this feeling's got roots back into the black whole of my stupid head. I mean, I guess that's the only word I have for this feeling. I mean that even when there's nothing left in my head, I'm still looking for you. I mean, I need to see you okay and happy."
Because you make me feel safe, because you make me feel whole...
Rinoa...
The pain, the memory of fire and light and death, death everywhere and love and life going out in a moment...
Squall pulled away from Seifer, forcing his weary muscles to respond. He stalked over to the far side of the room and lay his forehead on the cool, mossy stone.
"I don't deserve anyone's love."
He meant it exactly as he said it. Love was real- he couldn't deny that any longer. He and Rinoa had shared love, and now that she was gone Squall could never be whole again. Seifer was sick, delusional...and Squall felt full of pity for him. He could never return Seifer's love, he had never thought of men in that way, and he would never love anyone but Rinoa, no one, not ever again. It hurt too much loosing her. Sis had gone all those years ago, and Rinoa had slowly drawn him out of his shell. She had seen the man beneath all the misery and fear and kindled within Squall the emotions he had for so long feared to express.
The shell was back in a sense- he had foresworn ever finding joy in life again, but his emotions could no longer be suppressed.
So he pitied Seifer, the poor fool...
Seifer watched this man long moments. Head against the wall, he stood there as if the expected the world to just stop around him. It wouldn't hurt this guy to take a nap on that metal table and have his clothes turned to shreds either. There was little point in putting precious energy into telling the man how much beloved him or how important he was to him. Having said it at all though felt good though. Now, he'd work on acting those feelings out. Making things as good as he could for Squall.
He leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. There were too many questions to even start asking them. This place made him feel comfortable though, as if it had been a home at one time.