Title: Stay Anyway 5/?

Author: Amber (Ambino1111@prodigy.net)

Disclaimers and other notes can be found in Prologue

Previously, in Stay Anyway…

Part 1…

… Josh and I are working our butts off on the latest Health Care Package, an amendment to H.R. 206.

… The President, CJ, Toby, and Charlie are in China until Monday evening.

… Josh lets out a snort. He wiggles his index finger in my direction. "You

were engaged to this woman, you haven't seen her in years, and all you can

say is 'she got a haircut'?" "Well, she did," I defend, looking down at my hands briefly. "That, and a baby."

Part 2…

… I can remember Sam leaving as if it were yesterday, yet... it's been over three years and, at times, seems decades longer.

… She shifts in her seat suddenly and thrusts a manicured hand in my direction. "I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself. I'm Donnatella Moss, Josh Lyman's assistant." I chortle in amused sympathy, which causes Donna to grin. "I somehow doubt Josh's personality has changed much in three years." I pause. "You're a very brave woman."

… The door opens again and I sigh. Gathering my courage I stand, ready to face my ex-fiancee.

Part 3…

… Lisa and I are staring at each other, and Donna coughs slightly, backing into the Roosevelt Room. "I'll be in here, if you, uh, well, we'll be here." Then she's gone, and it's just Lisa and me... and Alex.

… Why does politics always come between Lisa and me?

Part 4…

… His face brightens and he smiles one of his killer smiles. I always loved his perfect white teeth, and it has nothing to do with professional appreciation.

… "I - I... we... why does everyone think we should date? Donna is my friend and a fine assistant, and we are both professionals."

… "You can both be professionals and be in love," I tell him truthfully. He doesn't meet my eyes.

… My body tenses immediately. "Sam, I don't want to do this right now," My voice carries with it a silent plea. Sam either misses or ignores it. "Lisa, please. I think we need to talk about it."

… Then Sam coughs and the spell is broken, and he leads the way to Josh's office.

*****

You have no right

to ask me how I feel

You have no right

to speak to me so kind

-Separate Lives, Phil Collins

*****

"I'll just, uh... I'll be in the Roosevelt Room when you're ready," I proclaim, carefully hiding the shakiness in my voice. Lisa nods and pushes Alex inside the office. "Do you know how to get there?"

She turns to look at me and nods again. "Yeah, I remember now."

"Okay," I say. Lisa closes the door so that it is only open a crack. I stand in the hallway for a few minutes, trying not to feel like a spectator in my life. I swear, when I get close to her it's like someone else is controlling me. I'm still not ruling out voodoo dolls.

As I'm contemplating witchcraft, a gentle voice floats into the hallway. It's Lisa singing Alex back to sleep. I lean against the wall next to Josh's door and listen as her melodious voice slowly grows in volume.

"Let it Be" has always been a good song, but standing in the hallway listening to Lisa as she sings it is giving me chills. I'd forgotten how sweet her voice sounded. Then again, I'd forgotten lots of things about her.

"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

I cross my arms in front of me and yawn, feeling surprisingly relaxed. If I stay here for the chorus I'm certain I'll fall asleep.

Reluctantly, I walk back to the Roosevelt Room and sink into the seat next to Josh. I don't even realize what I'm doing until they both stop talking and stare at me.

"Are you humming, Sam?" Josh asks, a satisfied smirk on his face. I stop abruptly, coughing in hopes of covering it up.

No luck.

"What song was that?" Donna wants to know. She is smiling encouragingly, so I have the feeling she won't poke fun at me. Josh, on the other hand...

"'Let it Be'," Josh replies automatically. He turns to face Donna, his voice high with shock. "You don't know 'Let it Be' when you hear it?"

"Should I?"

Josh and I look at each other and shake our heads simultaneously.

"It's the Beatles, Donna. The greatest band ever!"

"Oh, yeah. Those are the guys who sang 'Hey Dude'."

Josh shouts at her in exasperation. "Hey Dude?! Hey _Dude_!? How could you even think that the -"

Donna sighs and rolls her eyes. "Josh, I'm joking." She flashes a grin at him before turning to me. "But, really, Sam - why were you humming 'Let it Be'?"

I feel a blush rising to my cheeks. "Lisa was singing it to Alex," I mumble, dipping my head.

Donna releases a quiet "aww" and I can feel Josh's teasing glance as I study the red carpet beneath my shoes. God, I feel like a teenager again.

"It was nice seeing her," Josh announces regally after a moment of silence. I look up in surprise and find him lounging in his chair, arms crossed behind his head.

"Yeah," I agree, eyeing him suspiciously. It's not like Josh to be subtle.

"The kid is cute, too."

"Yes, he is."

Josh shares a look with Donna, and I get the sense that an entire wordless conversation has just taken place. Donna slips into the chair on the other side of him as he opens his mouth to continue.

"You were a little preoccupied tonight," Josh declares after a brief moment of silence. I shake my head slightly, studying the pair.

"I've got a lot on my mind," I defend weakly.

"Still, Sam, it was borderline rude to ignore your dinner guest," Donna pipes up.

"I wasn't ignoring her," I contend quietly. Why can't they mind their own business? "I was just thinking."

"That's a first," My best friend comments dryly. Donna elbows him in the rib cage and he coughs, glaring at her before looking back at me. "I mean, what were you thinking about?"

"Oh, you know… stuff," I offer, silently willing Josh to drop it. Yeah, right, this is Josh Lyman - he drops nothing. He shifts in his seat, appearing vaguely uncomfortable.

"Listen, Sam, I... Do you still love her?"

Something in the question, something in his tone enrages me. What right does he have to pry into my personal life? I never ask him about Mandy, or Joey, or Donna unless he instigates the conversation, and even then he isn't very forthcoming with information. And Donna, too. Josh complains about the gomers she dates, but _I_ never stick my nose into her private life. I respect their desire for privacy - why can't they respect mine?

I stand up, more furious than I should be but unable to help it. "No. You know what? No! We're not getting into this. I know you mean well, but frankly, this is none of your goddamn business. Yes, I was engaged to Lisa, but that was before the campaign and has no relevance to anything. And unless I express them verbally, my thoughts and feelings are mine and mine alone. I'm sick and tired of being 'Poor Little Innocent Sam' whose life's purpose is to amuse the White House Staff with tales of his misadventures. Now, if there's nothing else, I'm going home and going to sleep because I. Am. Tired."

I stand there for an extraordinarily long and uncomfortable moment, then storm out of the room and head to my dark office, but not before seeing the stunned shock on both Josh and Donna's faces. I collapse into my chair and bury my head in my hands, mentally commanding my pulse to slow down.

What the hell was that? I suppose the whole tirade has been bottled up for far too long, but I never expected it to come out, especially not like this. All they wanted to know was how the re-appearance of my ex-fiancee into my life was affecting me; I guess they got their answer.

It's affecting me a lot more than I would have imagined. I figured three long, work-filled years would be more than enough time to move on, I figured that because I had gotten so good at not thinking about Lisa, I no longer had any feelings for her at all. But after the shock and anxiety of seeing her yesterday had worn off, I realized that wasn't true. If only I could identify what exactly those feelings were...

I spent all of dinner debating with myself, wondering if the attraction was just residual or if I was experiencing something real. And Alex - I created a hundred different scenarios pertaining to his existence: Lisa was drugged and raped and didn't get an abortion, she had an abusive boyfriend who insisted she have the child, she was lonely and adopted him, her best friend died in a car crash and left the baby to her, she had to be a surrogate mother for her boss but then her boss changed her mind and Lisa kept Alex, she found him on a church doorstep one rainy night. I even contemplated a bizarre kidnapping scheme organized to make me jealous. In the end I chose to believe her story, and was left to analyze my relationship with the child.

I'm slightly ashamed to admit it, but I do feel jealous. Jealous, and strangely guilty, as if my leaving was directly related to Alex's birth and the beginning of a downward spiral in Lisa's life, which, in a sense, it was. There are some other feelings, too. When I first saw him with Lisa I felt a pang in my heart. Mostly it was because I thought someone else had had the chance to make her happy, to have a beautiful family with her, a family that could have been mine. I've always wanted children, but I decided a family would come later, after the administration and after the ever-important role of wife was cast. I suppose it's pathetic to admit it, but a small, illogical part of me was always hoping that Lisa and I could pick up where we left off after Bartlet served his eight years. Of course, I started to accept reality after years went by without a single conversation between us.

"Hey," a gentle voice interrupts my inner monologue. I groan and don't move. The last thing I want to do right now is apologize to them.

"Sam? You okay?"

Oh great. This is fitting; this is perfect. I take it back - the last thing I want to do right now is talk to Lisa.

"I'm peachy-keen," I mumble into my desk. Maybe she'll get the hint and go away.

"I haven't heard that one in a while," She chuckles nervously. These people are the worst subtext readers in the world.

I weigh my options in the ensuing silence. I could a) go with sarcasm: "Well, obviously not," b) try self-deprecation: "Of course not. I'm the only idiot that still uses that phrase," c) use charming humor: "It's my job to make sure excellent phrases like "peachy keen" remain in the vernacular," d) ignore her, or e) yell at her to go away. Hmm...

Screw the choices; I'm starting a new topic.

"Did they tell you what happened?" I ask, still covering my face. I hear the rustle of fabric as Lisa takes a few steps closer.

"They didn't have to - I heard it from Josh's office."

I look up at this, alarmed. Had I really yelled that loudly? I try to do some quick calculations to see just how many people would have still been working here to hear me.

"I'm kidding, Sam. I talked to Donna."

I scowl at her and lower my head on top of my desk. I begin to bang it against the wood, starting slowly and softly but gaining in speed and sound. Thump. Thump. THump. THUMP. THUMP!

"Sam! Stop it!" Lisa demands firmly. I halt immediately and rub my forehead. Yes, I, Samuel Seaborn, am an idiot. An idiot with a bumpy head.

"Feel better?" She asks with a smirk. Despite the situation I find myself smiling into my desk. I slowly lift my head and peer up at her from behind a stray lock of hair. Wow, it's gotten long. I need to schedule in a haircut soon.

"A little."

She nods and primly sits down in a chair across from me. "You look tired."

I can barely find the energy to meet her eyes, but I manage it, propping my head up with my arm.

"That's probably because I am."

I watch in fascination as her countenance changes. "How much sleep have you been getting lately?" She makes no attempt to hide the mother-like quality of her voice.

A short, harsh laugh escapes my lips, surprising her as much as me. "Sleep? I've forgotten that word."

Lisa tilts her head to the side, and I can see a sadness in her green eyes. "Sam, Sam, Sam..."

Our eyes lock across the desk and she trails off. An infinite moment comes and goes as we stare at each other, the beating of my heart the only sound I hear. After a while my mind becomes cloudy, and I shake my head to clear it. As soon as I move, she sighs.

"I suppose we should have that talk now."

The change of subject catches me off guard. It takes me a moment to reply, and I watch her face carefully as I speak.

"I suppose."

We both shift in our seats, unwilling to be the first to broach the topic. I take a breath.

"Maybe this isn't the best time."

"Maybe."

We lapse into another uncomfortable silence, avoiding each other's gaze.

"Oh, Sam," Lisa sighs. I look up at her as she gestures vaguely with her left hand. "This - this was never supposed to happen; this wasn't supposed to be us... How did we get here?"

The question echoes in my head, and I find myself wishing I was able to answer it.

TBC