***April 19***
So much has happened the last several days that I haven't had a chance to write anything in my diary. I decided that I need to write down what happens so Dawn can have something to remember be by when I'm gone. I left her with nothing last time and I'm not doing that again. Plus, there won't be any coming back this time…
Anyway, by the time Angel showed up, I was asleep from crying so much, so he let me sleep. When I woke up, he was sleeping next to me. That started me crying again. We missed out on so much that normal couples have.
My crying woke him up, and we talked. He was stunned. He told me that the one thing that I really needed protecting from was something that he had no control over. I think that if it hadn't been day he would have stomped off to go broad, or maybe cry. I swear to God he looked like he was going to cry right there, only he was trying to comfort me. We spent the entire morning just sitting on my bed, comforting each other.
Finally I had to go. I was going to the doctor to see what could be done. Angel wanted to come, but there was that little sunlight problem. Giles did insist that he come with me, an offer that I gratefully accepted. Giles would know what all the doctor gibberish meant, I figured.
It wasn't good gibberish. Giles told me later that the cancer was inoperable and chemo most likely wouldn't work. By the doctor's estimation, I have three to six months, but my Slayer strength might drag it out longer than that. Or so Giles says. He's the Slayer expert, after all.
Today we had a big powwow. Everyone was there: Giles, Dawn, Willow, Xander, Anya, Tara (who's been around a lot more lately), the entire crew from L.A., including two people and a demon I had never met before. And of course, Angel and Spike. The living room was way more crowded than usual, but we needed all the brainpower we could muster. With Faith incarcerated for a long while yet, I was the only hope in controlling the world's demon population. Dying really wasn't an option for me right now.
"Medical options aren't an option?" Xander asked. I saw Anya and Willow elbow him at the same time. That got a small smile. "Not really," Giles answered, our expert on the subject. "They may delay the inevitable but would only serve to take Buffy out of the fight earlier." I felt Angel squeeze my shoulder, where his arm had been all night.
"Turn her."
The entire room grew silent as Spike told us all what he really thought. That boy just doesn't hold back! Before I had a chance to react, Angel had jumped up, grabbed Spike and proceeded to pound him into the wall. It took all of my strength to tear Angel off of him before any more damage was done — to the house, that is. Even though Spike and I had had that "fling" a while back, I was mad enough to stake him. That "fling" was probably why Angel was that mad in the first place. It would be just like Angel to see that suggestion as an invitation from Spike. Wait, why am I defending that guy?
"Explain yourself," Angel demanded through clenched teeth. Spike picked himself up from the floor and did. "All the bloody medicine in the world isn't going to cure her. If she's turned, that'll cure her."
"That's a good plan," I said with extreme sarcasm. "Not only will I rid myself of cancer, I'll also get rid of that pesky soul and all need for mirrors or a diet plan." My outburst didn't seem to faze him. It seems he did quite a bit of thinking about this. "You turn the Slayer, then have Willow or her little "friend" curse you with a damn soul before you go eat any body. 'Course, that way you have no fun, but you also don't have to live with a guilty conscience forever." With that he turned and walked out.
Nothing much was discussed after that. Sure, there was lots of talking, but nothing was really said. Angel still looked furious, but sensed that he needed to stay with me. He was right. My entire inside felt on fire. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't thinking – even considering – Spike's idea. It could work. Plus, I could live forever with Angel. What was wrong with thinking?
So much has happened the last several days that I haven't had a chance to write anything in my diary. I decided that I need to write down what happens so Dawn can have something to remember be by when I'm gone. I left her with nothing last time and I'm not doing that again. Plus, there won't be any coming back this time…
Anyway, by the time Angel showed up, I was asleep from crying so much, so he let me sleep. When I woke up, he was sleeping next to me. That started me crying again. We missed out on so much that normal couples have.
My crying woke him up, and we talked. He was stunned. He told me that the one thing that I really needed protecting from was something that he had no control over. I think that if it hadn't been day he would have stomped off to go broad, or maybe cry. I swear to God he looked like he was going to cry right there, only he was trying to comfort me. We spent the entire morning just sitting on my bed, comforting each other.
Finally I had to go. I was going to the doctor to see what could be done. Angel wanted to come, but there was that little sunlight problem. Giles did insist that he come with me, an offer that I gratefully accepted. Giles would know what all the doctor gibberish meant, I figured.
It wasn't good gibberish. Giles told me later that the cancer was inoperable and chemo most likely wouldn't work. By the doctor's estimation, I have three to six months, but my Slayer strength might drag it out longer than that. Or so Giles says. He's the Slayer expert, after all.
Today we had a big powwow. Everyone was there: Giles, Dawn, Willow, Xander, Anya, Tara (who's been around a lot more lately), the entire crew from L.A., including two people and a demon I had never met before. And of course, Angel and Spike. The living room was way more crowded than usual, but we needed all the brainpower we could muster. With Faith incarcerated for a long while yet, I was the only hope in controlling the world's demon population. Dying really wasn't an option for me right now.
"Medical options aren't an option?" Xander asked. I saw Anya and Willow elbow him at the same time. That got a small smile. "Not really," Giles answered, our expert on the subject. "They may delay the inevitable but would only serve to take Buffy out of the fight earlier." I felt Angel squeeze my shoulder, where his arm had been all night.
"Turn her."
The entire room grew silent as Spike told us all what he really thought. That boy just doesn't hold back! Before I had a chance to react, Angel had jumped up, grabbed Spike and proceeded to pound him into the wall. It took all of my strength to tear Angel off of him before any more damage was done — to the house, that is. Even though Spike and I had had that "fling" a while back, I was mad enough to stake him. That "fling" was probably why Angel was that mad in the first place. It would be just like Angel to see that suggestion as an invitation from Spike. Wait, why am I defending that guy?
"Explain yourself," Angel demanded through clenched teeth. Spike picked himself up from the floor and did. "All the bloody medicine in the world isn't going to cure her. If she's turned, that'll cure her."
"That's a good plan," I said with extreme sarcasm. "Not only will I rid myself of cancer, I'll also get rid of that pesky soul and all need for mirrors or a diet plan." My outburst didn't seem to faze him. It seems he did quite a bit of thinking about this. "You turn the Slayer, then have Willow or her little "friend" curse you with a damn soul before you go eat any body. 'Course, that way you have no fun, but you also don't have to live with a guilty conscience forever." With that he turned and walked out.
Nothing much was discussed after that. Sure, there was lots of talking, but nothing was really said. Angel still looked furious, but sensed that he needed to stay with me. He was right. My entire inside felt on fire. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't thinking – even considering – Spike's idea. It could work. Plus, I could live forever with Angel. What was wrong with thinking?