Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to SquareEnix and I do not own any of their characters. But man, if only I could get a cut of their royalties... On another note, this series of stories was initially co-written by my friend Brad Stone and, later, co-written by my brother, Seth Garner. --Matt
-------------
-A drumroll starts up as spotlights hit a big red curtain like at the beginning of the old Johnny Carson show-
Nasal Bronx Accent (think Gilbert Gottfried meets Curley meets aaahhh... you get the idea...): An' now, direct from ShinRa TV Studio B12, it's "Gabbin' Wit' Gau!" Da' only late-nite talk show what lets ya' get up close an' poisonal wit' da' stars o' yer favorite video games an' whatnot! An' now, here's yer host... GAUUUUUUUUUU!
Gau: -Runs on-stage, shouting his trademark battle-cry. He is dressed in a dark red houserobe that's a little too big for him- GA-UUUUUUUUU!
-The audience, full of SquareSoft characters, cheers wildly-
Sephiroth: BOOOO! -He is instantly pummelled by various rotten vegetables, then he looks up from the pile of veggies and fruits with an orange over one eye, a tomato over the other, and a banana in his mouth, creating a looney grimace-
-We now see the main set of the talk show. It's your typical scene: big desk (covered with papers, coffee mugs, etc.) in the middle of the room with a big couch to the left of the screen. On the right of the screen sits all the band equipment. Large windows all around overlook the unique world of Final Fantasy and the cliché curtains and drapes hang everywhere-
Cait Sith: -Sitting on Gau's desk, speaking through his megaphone- Hiya, folks! It's me: Cait Sith! ya' Co-host! An' o' course, over at da' keyboards we got my ol' buddy MoogleMuffins! -The nasal voice from the beginning very obviously belongs to Cait Sith-
-Jump cut to the giant moogle doll at the keyboards. He waves his arm lethargically-
MoogleMuffins: Moogle play all requests... except "Freebird"...
Sephiroth: Oh yeah? Then why don't you play "This Show Sucks"? BWAHAHAHA! -He is once again bombarded with rotten vegetation-
Cait Sith: -After having lobbed a rotten kupo-nut at Sephiroth- So, Gau! Feel's great ta' have our own television show ta' twist da' minds of da' populace wit', eh?
Gau: -Sitting down behind his desk- Yeah yeah... Gau just hope tonight's guest round enough! -Grins deviously to the audience as they all go "Ohhhh!" as if he just said something really funny that he shouldn't have said-
Cait Sith: -Looks at a sheet of paper, flipping his tail about- Hmm... Well we gots Terra Bradford an' Professa' Hojo slated fer tonight... Izzat "round" enough for ya', kiddo?
MoogleMuffins: -Very slow, deep voice- Moogle sensing lowbrow humor on horizon...
Gau: YAY! Morphy-Jugs and Forehead Man!
Cait Sith: I'll take dat as a yes! H'okay, folks! Sit tight an' we'll be right back wit' our guests after a woid from our sponsors! -Smiles and waves to the camera as the commercial starts-
---------------
-The infamous ShinRa ad begins... you know: Creepy music, black screen and ShinRa logo with Japanese lettering-
Voice: ShinRa inc... we own you...
-Violent crashing, slashing, etc. sounds are heard-
Voice: What the hell--? AUUGGHHH!
Cloud's Voice: Die, ShinRa scum!
-Horrendous screams of agony, slashing... you get the idea. Suddenly, an image pops up on the screen of chibi-Kefka and chibi-Kuja grinning shyly and holding a broken film reel with the caption "Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By..." Cait Sith reappears in front of the camera after a few moments, staring nervously-
---------------
Cait Sith: -Double-blink- Uh... We're back! ; -Rubs the back of his head. MoogleMuffins and Gau stare blankly for a second or two-
MoogleMuffins: O o;
Gau: o O;
Cait Sith: -Clears his throat and regains his adorably obnoxious voice- Okay! Well Gau, you know our foist guest betta' dan I do, so why don' you introduce 'er to the people?
Gau: -Hops on top of his desk- HI EVERYBODY! Next guest is Gau's friend! She morph into shiny lady with big jugs, so Gau like! It's... MORPHY-JUGS!
Audience: ... -All stare at Gau for a moment. Crickets are heard chirping-
-MoogleMuffins smacks his forehead-
Cait Sith: Er... It's TERRA! -Grins shyly at the audience and tilts his crown-
Child in the Audience: Mommy, what's a "jugs"?
Mother: SHHH!
Cait Sith: -Puts his megaphone up to his mouth again and yells at MoogleMuffins- MOOGIE! Cue the music!
-MoogleMuffins starts playing his keyboard as a young lady with aqua-colored hair pulled back into a ponytail, wearing a red-and-purple armor... thing walks in-
Terra: -Looks around in wonder at everything... like she ALWAYS does (I tell ya... sweet character, really lovable and all... but she's SO vacant!)- OOOH! Nice place!
Cait Sith: -Removes his crown and gives Terra a little bow- Welcome to da' show, Terra!
Terra: Awww! How sweet! -She grabs Cait Sith and sits down, hugging him tight- Hey Gau! Why didn't you tell me you had a cute little talking kitty-cat doll? -Cait Sith squirms around, trying to escape the young woman's grip-
Gau: ... -Blink- Gau ask the questions here! -Hops back in his seat- See? Gau the one with desk!
Terra: Oh... sorry... -Blinks as Cait Sith leaps out of her arms and perches on top of MoogleMuffins' head-
Cait Sith: So ask 'er sumthin, whydoncha?
Gau: OKAY! Morphy-Jugs turn shiny for Gau?
Terra: Oh! You mean my Morph ability? Sure! -Transforms into an esper with pure white skin, pale pink hair, and reddish eyes, blinding everyone in the audience in the process-
Bartz: AAAGH!
Selphie: ARGH!
Yang: MY EYES! What did you do to my eyes?
Cait Sith: -Whistles low with MoogleMuffins- Hey now DERE'S a talent! All I can do is make bogus predictions for da' future! I'm like a plush Miss Cleo! Call me now fo' ya' free readin'!
MoogleMuffins: Don't you have to be Jamaican?
Cait Sith: I don' see why. Da' real Miss Cleo sure ain't!
-Drum rimshot heard (You know, that bah-dum-ching! sound...)even though MoogleMuffins doesn't play it-
Gau: -Not paying any attention, just staring dreamily at Terra's chest- Oooohhh... Jugs... so... shiny!
Terra: Hmm? -Tilts her head blankly-
Kid From Before: Mommy... why isn't dat lady wearing her clothes no more?
Mother: Well, I never! -Carries her son out of the studio-
Steiner: -Gasp- Good Lord! She's nude! -Covers his eyes and blushes-
Irvine: WOOHOO! -Someone throws a rock that clocks him in the head-
Terra: ... -Blinkblink- What's their problem?
Cait Sith: -Shrugs and tilts his head- Beats me. You'd t'ink Final Fantasy people would be used ta' seein' glowin' naked chicks by now...
-MoogleMuffins plays a rimshot and Gau continues to gape at Terra's "jugs"-
Terra: Gau? Gau sweety? -Snaps her fingers in front of his face-
Cait Sith: -Flicks his tail about and bats his paw in Gau's direction- Eh, neva'mind him. So, Terra, tell us a little about yerself! Where ya' grew up an' all dat!
Terra: Well... -Taps her chin thoughtfully- Let'see... I vaguely remember being a young child, living in the Realm of the Espers... until... something... happened and... -Grabs her head- ARRRGH! THE PAIN! MEMORIES FADING! -She falls to the ground, writhing in agony while Cait Sith, MoogleMuffins, and Gau just sit there-
Cait Sith: Fascinatin'...
Gau: -Leans over the desk, trying to see Terra- ... could Morphy-Jugs please stand up so Gau get better view?
Terra: -Twitch, twitch- ... X
-MoogleMuffins lumbers over, helps Terra back onto the couch, and splashes some water on her face-
Terra: ; Thanks, 'Muffins... I needed that!
-MoogleMuffins smiles, nods, and returns to his band equipment-
Cait Sith: -Makes a note to ask more guests about their pasts if it will result in such a cool spazz attack- So, Terra... about how long can ya' stay in dat Esper form anyway?
Gau: no change back... -Drool-
Terra: Well, I've been practicing to stay in this form longer, but sometimes you can never tell... -Suddenly turns back to normal, still wearing nothing- O O; EEP! -Covers herself quickly-
Sephiroth: ... Okay, okay... The show's a little more interesting... -Gets pelted again-
Terra: -Turns into an Esper again- Sorry... -Cough- That happens sometimes...
Cait Sith: -Sly grin to the audience- How's DAT fer attractin' da fans?
Gau: ... right... So! Might Gau say your jugs are ESPECIALLY shiny today?
Terra: -Too ditzy to even be offended by such a comment- Awww, you're such a sweetie, Gau! -Pinches his cheek-
Gau: Aw shucks...
-Suddenly, a horribly mangled, bloodied man wearing a blue suit and tie runs quickly accross the stage-
MoogleMuffins: -Blinks at the guy- You okay, Steve?
-Cloud, Tifa, and Barret dash across the stage after "Steve," swinging their various weapons and cursing loudly-
Cait Sith: -Hops onto the floor, fur sticking out everywhere, and shakes his fists in the air angrily- WHOA! HEY! GUYS! Cut it out! We're tryin' ta film here!
Barret: Wha? Hey, cat! Are we on TV?
Cait Sith: -Sigh- - -; Yes, Barret...
Barret: -Runs to the camera- OOH! HEY DERE, MARLENE! If you're watchin' right now, I wanna' remind you to stay in school, drink yo' milk, eat all yo' greens, don't do drugs, an' get plenty o' sleep, okay?
Cait Sith: BARRET!
Barret: Oh right, right! -Runs back after the ShinRa guy- I PITY YOU, FOO! I'M GONNA' THROW YOU HELLUVA FAR!
Terra: -Watches as the three AVALANCHE members tear through the studio- Um... should... we be concerned about that?
MoogleMuffins: -Shrugs- It draws ratings...
Cait Sith: And we're all about 'da money! -Gets clobbered by MoogleMuffins- er... and pleasin' da audience and stuff... - - -Rubs his head-
Gau: -Nods- Uh huh... pleasin' audience... so Morphy-Jugs busy tonight?
Cait Sith: -Looks at his non-existant watch- Yoiks! Looks like it's time fer anotha' commercial break, but we'll be right back wit' Prof. Hojo after dis...
---------------
-Scene of a calm, serene river-
Voice: Rufus T. ShinRa understands your concerns for a healthier environment...
-Kids playing-
Voice: Rufus T. ShinRa understands the need for safe neighborhoods...
-Rufus appears in front of the camera-
Voice: He just doesn't give a damn...
Rufus: Hello, I am Rufus T. ShinRa of the Shi-- -Hears something and turns around- What the hell is that? -Sees a giant glaring eye in the window- OH MY GO-- -Gets blown away by Ultima Weapon-
---------------
-Scene returns to Cait Sith as explosions and screams are heard-
Cait Sith: ... o O um... yeah... uh, don't worry, folks! Despite whatcha' just seen, everyt'ing here at da studio is just fine... Er... so now fer our next guest... one o' da most brilliant minds o' the ShinRa organization and THE most-despised human being on the face of the planet... Professor Hojo!
-Everyone boos except for Sephiroth-
Sephiroth: WOOHOO! YEAH! ALRIGHT, DAD!
-A team of moogles, black mages, and midget cowboys jump Sephiroth and subdue him. Cheezy action movie music plays during all of this-
Sephiroth: -Being dragged away- NO! NO! You can't silence me! Soylent Green is people! Soylent Green is people! THE TRUTH WILL BE REVEALLLLLED...
-Hojo, the disturbingly greenish gangly professor with thin black hair and an enormous bulbous forehead limps on stage, dragging his leg like he always does. Oddly enough, he sounds like Tim Curry...-
Hojo: -Obviously sarcastic- Thank you... really... it's such an honor to be here...
Cait Sith: -Mumbling a little- Wouldja' lookit dat head?
MoogleMuffins: What about it?
Cait Sith: Looks like it's about ta' hit critical mass!
Terra: Ick! Nobody told me there'd be any zombies on the show tonight!
Gau: SO! Forehead Man! How you today?
Hojo: -Glares evilly at Gau- Horrendously wretched as I am every day of my tormented life...
Gau: Okie good
Cait Sith: Well, we're glad ta' see you too, Sunshine!
-Hojo snarls-
Gau: So, Forehead Man, what you think of show?
Hojo: If you have to know, Gau, I find this program to be intellectually draining. The only reason I'm appearing on this insipid show is to boost the public's respect for the ShinRa scientific divison--
-Hojo suddenly gets clonked on the head by an empty potion bottle-
Aeris: YOU SUCK, HOJO! DROP DEAD YOU DISEASED OLD SCAB!
Cait Sith: -Giggles and shakes his head- Dat's our Aeris! What are we gonna' do wit' you, girl?
Brad: -Dashes on stage- Hold on a second here guys...
Terra: -Blinkblink- What?
Hojo: -Rubbing his immense forehead-
Brad: It says here in this Strategy Guide that ShinRa's destruction via Ultima Weapon came way after Aeris' death, and we just saw that...
Gau: She zombie
Cait Sith: She's 'da undead!
Brad: -Looks up at Aeris as her arm falls off- I see...
Hojo: -Adjusts his glasses- You are also failing to take into account that the various worlds of Final Fantasy all exist on different planes and in different time periods so all of this should technically be impossible... -Huff- ...idiot
Terra: Yeah, what the forehead said!
Brad: ... Hey, I'm writin' this fanfiction, so I can control what happens to you...
MoogleMuffins: -Looks out the studio window and mumbles a little- Hmm... heads up...
-Everyone turns to look at MoogleMuffins...-
Brad: What is it? I'm making death threats!
Zidane: -Runs into the studio, screaming- RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! BAHAMUT, THE LORD OF THE DRAGONS IS ON A RAMPAGE AGAIN AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THIS STUDIO!
All: ... -Blinkblink- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
-Bahamut tears through everything, leaving a pile of ashes and rubble within seconds, but somehow the stage area is still somewhat okay-
Gau: ... -Cough-
Brad: Hey, this studio didn't come free! You'd better pay for this! ... hey, where are you going? -Chases Bahamut- COME BACK HERRRRRE!
Cait Sith: T'anks fer watchin' "Gabbin' wit' Gau"... tune in next week when we interview dat cat-guy from Final Fantasy X... and my dad, Reeve... -Passes out-
Terra: -Blinkblink- Well, that didn't go too well...
Hojo: -Stares at Terra- Hmm... Tell me, young lady... Have you ever been interested in the scientific field? -Nasty grin displaying all his gross yellow teeth-
MoogleMuffins: - -; -Sighs and slaps a sign on the screen that says "The Everlovin' End"-
----------------
Kefka: -VERY fey voice- Well, darlingth... that'th all for today! Stay tuned for the nextht epithode of "Gabbin' With Gau"... -Shakes his fist violently as his eyes glow red and he screams with at least 3 deep, horrifying voices- OR I'LL CALL UPON THE FORCES OF HELL ITSELF TO SEND YOUR PATHETIC SOUL TO AN ETERNITY OF BURNING DEATH, RIGHT AFTER I'VE SINGLE-HANDEDLY RIPPED YOUR STILL-BEATING HEART FROM YOUR RIB-CAGE! -Smiles like a little sissy and tilts his head to one side- Kay?