Cait Sith: Man, now dat's some mighty fine brewski! -MoogleMuffins lets fly with a tremendous squeaker. Cait Sith has no reaction whatsoever to this- So ah, Moogie, who we got fer da' guest tonight dere?
MoogleMuffins: -a few bubbles pop out of his mouth as he speaks- Well... Moogle got Tifa an' Qui-- -an infuriated Cait Sith interrupts-
Cait Sith: WHAT? TIFA? MOOGIE, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? DO YOU KNOW DA' CONSEQUENCES OF WHAT YOU'VE JUST DONE?
MoogleMuffins: -long pause- ... no...
Cait Sith: -leaps up to MoogleMuffins and grabs his shoulder- Moogie, ol' buddy, ol' pal... You rememba' Tifa, donchoo?
MoogleMuffins: ... -nods slowly- Uh huh... That's why... Moogle got her... -blinks distantly-
Cait Sith: Ah yes, good. Good... Now... Do you rememba'... Tifa's most distinguishable physical asset?
MoogleMuffins: ... -looks at Cait Sith and raises a confused eyebrow- Her hair?
Cait Sith: -slaps his forehead loudly, then turns his head and grins pathetically to the audience- It's gonna' be a lonnnnnnng night! -hops back up and grabs MoogleMuffins' face, staring maniacally into his beady little black eyes, like a DOLL'S EYES... (which they are)- T'ink, MoogleMuffins! For once in yo' life, THINK! -starts shaking MoogleMuffins' head- Think with your dead brain that don't work no more because it's DEAD! WHAT is the FIRST t'ing most people notice about Tifa when dey see her?
MoogleMuffins: -stares blankly, somewhat bored as the camera very slowly zooms in on him. The background fades to a dark red swirl and dramatic music swells up as his eyes widen very slowly and his ears tilt down- ... OOP!
Cait Sith: "OOP!" is right, my mentally-challenged comrade!
MoogleMuffins: We gotta' get someone else fast!
Cait Sith: No, sweet MoogleMuffins! You'd t'ink it would be dat easy, but dere's just no #$ing time!
MoogleMuffins: -quivers and sticks out his bottom lip- Why!
Cait Sith: -wraps an arm around MoogleMuffins' non-existant neck and looks around in a paranoid fashion- Because... he's... coming...
MoogleMuffins: -with a sense of awe- ... who?
-instantly, the commissary door is slammed open and knocked off it's hinges. A dark shadow is seen in the doorway as a deep, demonic voice echoes...-
Gau: WHO TONIGHT'S GUEST?
Cait Sith: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MoogleMuffins: Is a surprise... -sweatdrop-
Cait Sith: -looks at the camera- Oh! It's a surprise alright! Surprise for da' CENSORS!
-the show actually starts now-
Cait Sith: -sounding absolutely terrified- I ca-I just can't do it tonight! I won't be responsible for dis bomb! -grabs MoogleMuffins and stares into his eyes- MOOGLEMUFFINS! Youuu'lll take the heat fo' dis! -happy voice- Now if ya' don' mind me, I'll be hidin' in da' sofa! -he then leaps into the sofa cushions as MoogleMuffins coughs nervously and grabs the microphone-
MoogleMuffins: -suddenly sounds like Ed McMahon- Tonight on Gabbin' with Gau: Tifa Lockheart and Quina Quen! And now, everyone's favorite wild boy: Heerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre's Gau! A-HAH! HAHAHA! HOH HOH HOH! HAR HAR HAW HAW HAW! -cough- AHYUCK HYUCK! -falls over, crying and grabbing his head- FOR THE LOVE OF GARLAND, MAKE THE VOICES STOP!
Gau: -hops on top of his desk and grins at MoogleMuffins- Dat good voice, Big Marshmallow!
MoogleMuffins: -talking normally again- Thanks. Moogle been practicing his impersonations...
Gau: -looks around- Now where KittyMan?
Cait Sith: -muffled in the cushions- Hoohoo! Wouldn't YOU like to know?
MoogleMuffins: ...on vacation...
Cait Sith: -muffled- I ain't goin' back dere...
Gau: -taps his fingers on his desk a few times- ... so, time for guest now?
MoogleMuffins: -starts breathing heavily and looking around as the camera closes up on him. The background goes black with purple flames all around and frightening voices begin singing in an unknown tongue. MoogleMuffins reaches up and touches a scar on his cheek that wasn't there before and will never be there again. Suddenly, without warning, Tellah from Final Fantasy IV appears in a split second shrieking "YOU SPOONY BARD!" MoogleMuffins then puts his paw down, bites his bottom lip, and looks at Gau...- Okay
Gau: -pretending to swim while lying on his desk- An' who izzit?
MoogleMuffins: Um... it nice bar-lady Moogle met on his adventure to save the world... and stuff...
Cait Sith: -very quiet- Da moment of truth is now...
MoogleMuffins: Tifa Lockheart!
-the cliché "BUM-BUM-BUMMMMMM!" is heard as Tifa walks in... to quote Bleys Maynard's Frigging Fantasy VII parody: "She's got black hair, really short shorts, a tanktop, and, oh yes, her breasts are the same size as her head!" Gau instantly stops everything he's doing, then looks right at the camera and grins very slowly and goes cross-eyed, eventually looking like Willy Trombone from the NeverhoOd-
Gau: HA-CHA-CHA-CHA!
Tifa: ... what?
Gau: JUGGIES!
Tifa: -raises an eyebrow and suddenly looks incredibly evil- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
MoogleMuffins: -rubs the back of his head nervously- Why don't Tifa have a seat?
Gau: OH YES! We just get new talking sofa!
Tifa: -wonders what Gau means, shrugs, and sits down. As soon as she sits down, Cait Sith's head pops up between two of the cushions-
Cait Sith: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! I-duh... OH! -looks around and smiles very fakey- OH YOU'RE HERE! -tilts his head a little and grins at Tifa- What's newwwww?
Tifa: Not much, Cait, but what are you doing in the sofa?
Cait Sith: D'oh! Um... -looks around- I was... LOOKING for LOOSE CHANGE! Yes! Cuz... y'know, dat's what cats do, dey look for... shiny t'ings... like loose change... in da sofa... cuz dey're cats... an' dats what dey do... an' I am onna dem... cuz I'm a cat...
Sephiroth's Voice: -highly sarcastic- Oh wow... now THAT's convincing...
Gau: -blink- Gau thought KittyMan on vacation...
Cait Sith: OH! BUT I AM! ... on vacation in... da sofa? CLAM DIVING! -puts on a pair of diver's goggles and a snorkel- Yep! I'm clam-divin', alright! An' now if you DON' MIND... I am going back down... into da' sofa... -sinks down, breathing deeply-
Cait Sith: -pops back up a few seconds later and glares at Tifa- AN' STOP SITTIN' ON MY TAIL!
Tifa: That was odd... Usually he only looks for loose change in recliners... -MoogleMuffins plays a rimshot-
Gau: -leans back in his chair and puts his feet on his desk- So tell Gau: How Tifa get such big jugs?
Tifa: WHAT?
Gau: ... I mean what you currently doing? ;
Tifa: ... right. Well, after defeating Sephiroth's plan for world domination... -Sephiroth is heard "booing" and Tifa pulls a gun out of nowhere and fires it into the audience without even looking where she's shooting. Sephiroth then goes "ACK!" and falls over with a thud- ...Cloud and I got married and now we're trying to turn the Seventh Heaven bar into more of a bed-and-breakfast sort of place...
Gau: -leaning forward with his chin in his hand, smiling and rolling his eyes like Bill Cosby does, but not really paying any attention AT ALL- ... Those real?
Tifa: -blink- Huh? -MoogleMuffins looks away and mutters to himself- Yeah, bed-and-breakfasts are real. They're kind of like hotels...
Gau: No. Not dat. Dose...
Tifa: What?
Gau: BAZOOMBAS!
Steiner: -gasps and stutters- N-NO! That's OBSCENE!
Tifa: -glares at Gau- ... I really don't like it when people ask me that, Gau...
Gau: ... yeah, so?
Tifa: MoogleMuffins, I thought you said I wouldn't be insulted or harrassed on this show...
MoogleMuffins: -sobbing- Moogle sorry, Tifa! -buries his face in his hands and bawls like a baby- SO VERY SORRYYYYYY!
Gau: ... So? Answer da' question. Tifa always had mammoth jugs or are dey fake?
Tifa: ... Gau, I'm warning you. Back OFF!
Gau: -narrows his eyes- Dey sure don't look-- O O EEP! -squeaks as Tifa instantly leaps at him. The camera then shows MoogleMuffins cringing in sheer terror with his left eye twitching as the most gruesome, horrifying sounds of inhuman violence are heard-
Cait Sith: -rises once again from the sofa cushions, dripping wet and carrying a bucket of clams. Yes, real clams, ladies and gentlemen!- So ah, izzit safe ta' come out now or... -looks to Tifa and Gau and his eyes bug out as a loud snapping of bones is heard and a large chunk of the desk comes flying past his head- OH MY LORD! I'M GETTIN' OUTTA' HERE! PROTECT ME, CLAMS! -dives back into the sofa-
MoogleMuffins: You not leaving Moogle alone out here! -leaps at the sofa, trying to climb into the cushions. Obviously, he's too big to do so. Eventually, he starts flapping his wings rapidly and he starts floating up- HEY! I can fly!
Cait Sith: -pokes his head out- He can fly!
Tifa: -looks around in mid-punch- He can fly?
Gau: -points up and grins, now with two black eyes, a bloody nose, and half of his teeth missing- He can fly!
-voices are heard singing "He can fly, he can fly, he can fly..."-
Sephiroth: Oh this is so stupid... -spontaneously combusts-
Steiner: -walks in front of the camera and sounds exactly like John Cleese- Alright, now stop that! Stop that! Stop that GAWKING! Until these RUFFIANS can learn some PROPER manners, you must all watch commercials! NOW STOP THAT WHINING! THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!
-
Voice: Do you suffer from urinary tract infection?
-----------------
Steiner: Oh now that's appalling! Here now, try this...
-
Voice: Do you suffer from genital warts or Herpes?
-----------------
Steiner: OH NO! Right! Let's try this again!
-
Cheezy Claymation Sandwich Cookies: AH'M SQUEEEEZED IN THE MIDDLE... SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE.
-----------------
Steiner: GOOD LORD! Who writes this crap? Fine, then, back to your filth if that's what you want, cretins! As for me, I shall be watching QUALITY programming! -huffs off to watch Jerry Springer... hmm...-
Gau: -sitting at his desk, looking terribly unhealthy-
MoogleMuffins: -folds his arms- Has Gau learned his lesson now?
Gau: What lesson? Gau upset that Tifa gone! He not even get to ask all his questions!
Cait Sith: -sitting on MoogleMuffins' head again- Well you can save 'em all fer our next guest: Quina Quen!
Gau: -pouting- Is it woman?
Cait Sith: -puts up his finger and opens his mouth to say something- ... ah... hmm... -looks away-
MoogleMuffins: Don't know...
-then, thunderously loud footsteps are heard as a grotesquely, yet adorably fat white... THING with a chef's hat and apron and long pink sweater... and a 1-foot long tongue... or at least, that's how much of it we can see hanging out of it's eternally smiling mouth... waddles into the room, stares unblinking at everyone, then plops onto the sofa... breaking it instantly-
Quina: Cheap sofas! -hops up and down, flailing its arms- Not make them like they used to!
Gau: -still completely abused and will stay this way through the whole episode... staring incredulously at Quina- ... you man or woman? O o
Quina: Thank you for asking! Master Quan once said "True way of being gourmand is ability to using imagination!"
Gau: ... -blinks-
MoogleMuffins: What exactly is gourmand?
Quina: -continues to stare eternally, at Cait Sith- QUINA PROMISED FROG IF APPEAR ON SHOW! WHERE FROG? GIVE TO QUINA!
Cait Sith: Hahah! Heh... heh... don' look at me dat way...
Gau: ... so... man or woman?
Quina: That very good question! Quina also Blue Mage!
Cait Sith: Stop... STARIN' at me...
MoogleMuffins: That mean Quina can learn enemies' magic?
Quina: Quina also 45!
Cait Sith: Blink! BLINK, DAMN YOU! FOR DA LUVVA GOD, BLINK!
Gau: -very angry now- MAN OR WOMAN? ANSWER GAU!
Quina: Is funny story! Once Quina having to stop Quale from making evil cult called "QQQ"!
Cait Sith: -staring evilly back at Quina- Put dat tongue... BACK in ya' mouth where it belongs... an' STOP... STARIN' AT MEEEEEEE!
Quina: -stares even more intently at Cait Sith and wisely says...- I do what I want! You have problem?
-Cait Sith goes insane and leaps at Quina, grabbing its tongue and yanking fiercely on it-
Cait Sith: GIMME DAT TONGUE! I'M GONNA' PUT IT BACK WHERE IT BELONGS! WHERE DID YOU FIND IT ANYWAY?
Quina: -reaches up and grabs Cait Sith, talking very evilly- You make FINE quisine!
Cait Sith: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! SWEET MOOGLEMUFFINS, HELP ME! COME TO MY AID, DEAR FRIEND!
MoogleMuffins: -gasps, then jumps up in slow-motion, pushing his keyboard out of the way- Nnnnnoooooooooo...
-we see Sephiroth, who blinks, then gasps as the keyboard hits him (in normal speed) and knocks him over. It goes back to slow-mo as MoogleMuffins leaps at Quina, knocking it over. The giant fork Quina holds is knocked out of Quina's hands and it is majestically hurled at Sephiroth. Suddenly, everything is at normal speed again and it jabs down into him. We hear him make an "AWRK!" noise and his Masamune flies upward, spirals, and lands point-down, into him. He then is heard shrieking in agony for quite a while...-
Sepiroth: AGH! ARRRGH! Ohhhh why? Owie...
Gau: -looks over his desk at Cait Sith, MoogleMuffins, and Quina, all out cold. Then he looks at the screen, shrugs, and waves as the camera irises out. There is dead silence for a few seconds, then...-
Sephiroth: ACK!
End of Episode 4
Steiner: HARUMPH!