If Not Wisely
Chapter 5: The Cemetery
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.
A/N: I noticed when uploading my Word document for the first couple of chapters that my italics somehow disappeared, so I'm trying a new tactic. I'm using *word* for emphasis and single quotations for the characters thoughts. Thanks to the nice people who left reviews. It made my day. More chapters to come.
Buffy had decided to do a quick patrol before going to see Spike. She figured that their little talk might take a while, and she had better get her duty out of the way first. That's what she told herself anyway. In reality, she was just stalling for time. Buffy had spent all night thinking about Spike, and she still had absolutely no idea what to say to him. For the life of her, she really couldn't figure out what had prompted her to tell him she wanted to talk in the first place. Maybe it had been thinking about the similarities between Spike and Anya that did it. Then again, maybe it had been the way he was with Dawn. Of course, the fact that she had been having thoughts of a decidedly sexual nature in connection with him for the last three days had absolutely nothing to do with it. Nope. No way, Jose. That was a one-time thing. It was nothing but a great big mistake that she had vowed never to make again. It was of the past, and so help her, it would stay there. If Buffy
had her way, it would never be mentioned again.
Buffy sighed and sat on a nearby tombstone. For some unknown reason, she suddenly wished that she smoked. Sure, cigarettes were disgusting and nasty, but a smoke right now might help to clear her head. Okay, she did have to admit that Spike looked pretty damn sexy with a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, but he didn't have to worry about lung cancer. God, there it was again, Spike and sexy in the same sentence. What the hell was wrong with her? These were simply unacceptable thoughts for the Slayer to be having. It was bad enough that she had gone completely crazy and had sex with him once--okay it was like nine times, but in one night--but now she was actually considering doing it again.
"Oh my God!" Buffy had spoken out loud with out even noticing. She hadn't even realized that she had been considering doing it again until that very minute. Well, to be fair, she probably hadn't * allowed * herself to realize it. After all, she had reapplied her makeup and changed clothes three times before heading out to go * slaying *. Even if, deep down, she knew that it was a possibility, it still didn't matter `cause it was never gonna happen.
Buffy groaned and clutched her head in her hands, trying to make the thoughts stop coming. She could almost hear Spike inside her head saying, "Sing me a new one, Slayer." It had gotten to the point where she could barley even lie to herself anymore. There was no way that she could keep up this rapidly crumbling front if she actually went through with her plan to talk to Spike. Buffy decided to bail. Abort the mission. Go to plan B. She would simply go to Spike's crypt, tell him that all was quiet on the undead front and ask for advice about Willow. Buffy smiled to herself. It was a good plan. Spike would appreciate being asked his opinion, and she could sit for a few minutes and listen to him ramble on. Then, maybe, she would thank him for being such a good friend to Dawn, but that was all. There would be no talk about feelings, no kissing and definitely no sex.
Feeling much better now that she had managed to run away from her problems once again, Buffy stood up and began to walk toward Spike's crypt. She was mentally going over her plan when she spotted three vampires standing over a fresh grave. Great, duty calls. Reaching for the stake hidden in the waistband of her leather pants, Buffy continued walking toward the little gang. If the dead guy rose anytime soon, she might be in trouble. Oh well, slaying was a high-risk profession.
Buffy managed to sneak up on the group unnoticed and staked one of the vampires immediately. The other two turned to look at her in horror. "Hey guys," she asked brightly, a thousand watt smile on her face, "waiting for someone?" The two remaining vamps immediately rushed her, and the fight was on.
Buffy lost herself in the rhythm of punching and kicking. It felt good to fight again. She staked the smaller one without any difficulty, but the last one was proving to be a little bit of a problem. She was so consumed with fighting him that she didn't even notice the vampire that was rising behind her.
Spike noticed. He was standing in the shadows watching his beautiful slayer fight. He had heard the commotion and come running to catch the show. He wanted to call out to her, or, better yet, run and stake the newly risen vamp himself, but something held him back. He loved to watch her fight. She was so strong and confident, so graceful and alive. Come to think of it, the only time she really looked alive anymore was when she was fighting, whether it be with some random vamp or with Spike himself. Fighting brought back some of her fire. Coming back from the dead had not agreed with Buffy Summers, and Spike knew that she was still haunted by her memories of heaven. Yet another thing that he would love to help her with, if she'd only let him.
Buffy had finally noticed the vampire emerging from the grave. With one swift move, she hurled the larger vampire against a nearby tree and turned to stake the other before he had even made it all the way out of the ground. With a brilliant smile--God, she was beautiful when she smiled--she turned back to the big guy. "Gee, looks like all your friends have gone nighty-night. Guess you'll just have to play with me now." The vampire struggled to his feet and rushed at Buffy with an angry growl. The Slayer merely held out her stake and let him run right into it.
As the vampire exploded into dust, Spike stepped forward from the shadows. He was reminded of the very first time he had seen her fight, in the alley by the Bronze, and he began to clap. Startled by the sound, Buffy turned to look at him.
"Spike!" She did not sound too happy to see him. "What are you doing here?" Brushing vampire dust off of her clothes, Buffy walked over to where he stood. "I thought I told you that I'd be over later?" She crossed her arms over her chest and tried to look impatient, when really the sight of him was driving her mad with desire. She always got worked up after a good fight and looking at this dead sexy man (thing! He's a thing!) in front of her didn't help matters much. Buffy hoped that he couldn't tell, but, knowing Spike, he probably could.
Spike decided to play it cool. "Nice work Slayer. I didn't think you were ever going to notice that pillock climbing out of the grave. Shoulda known better than to doubt you."
"Gee, thanks," Buffy was flustered. What did he want? "Your praise is so important to me."
"Well, you know me. I give credit where credit is due."
"Spike, what do you want?"
Now Spike was starting to get angry again. Why should he have to explain his presence to her? The smile that had appeared on his face the moment he first laid eyes upon his love began to fall away. "I got tired of waiting. Decided to step out for a spot of violence before bedtime. What's it to you?"
"Nothing, it's just--" Buffy broke off, suddenly suspicious. "Were you following me?"
"Following you? Bloody Hell, Slayer, I didn't even know you were here!" Spike's eyes were beginning to flash dangerously. "You really need to get over yourself. What in the bleeding hell makes you think that I would waste my time following you around?"
"Come on, Spike," now Buffy was starting to get angry. "It's not like you haven't done it before. I seem to recall a time when you were downright stalking me!"
Spike was momentarily taken aback. She had a point. "Yeah," his voice softened a bit, "maybe I did, but that was then, this is now. I told you Slayer, I've got my rocks back!" His voice hardened with his last statement, the anger rising again. Never mind the fact that he actually was going out to find her, the fact that she just assumed it to be so infuriated him.
"Fine!" Buffy was screaming now. "Then just take your fucking rocks and get the hell out of here already!"
"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd love it if I just left you alone to your self-pity and denial. Well, tough titty, luv. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere until I can make you see that you are--"
Spike's words were cut off by Buffy's lips. Before he even knew what hit him, she had her arms wrapped around his neck and was kissing him hungrily. Too aroused to question it, Spike gave himself over to the kiss. It felt so good to have Buffy's arms around him once again. It was so good to feel her warm lips pressed against his cool ones. He pulled her closer and she gave a little moan of pleasure.
Buffy could not believe that she was doing this again. She knew that it was wrong, but she couldn't help it. Fighting with Spike got her so hot, and kissing him mid-argument seemed like a natural part of her defense system. Kinda like the fight or flight response that she had learned about in Freshman Pscyh, only this was kick or kiss. Deep down, Buffy knew that part of the reason why she kissed Spike in times like these was because she didn't want to hear what he had to say next. He was too damn insightful, and it was too painful for her to sit and listen as he blasted through all her carefully constructed walls. Right now, she didn't care. She just wanted to lose herself in the incredible feeling of kissing Spike.
Spike was enjoying it every bit as much as Buffy. He felt her hot little hands snake under his T-shirt and begin caressing his back. Suppressing a groan, he moved his kisses down to the Slayer's neck. He was surprised when Buffy arched her neck toward his searching lips, granting him better access. He felt himself grow even harder at this simple gesture. She trusted him. God, the Slayer actually trusted him enough not to bite her, even though she knew that he could hurt her now. Overcome with emotion, Spike lavished her neck with kisses and was rewarded by her excited murmurs. He could feel the heat coming off of her in waves and smell her steadily growing arousal. Before the passion could overtake them both, Spike broke away. Buffy gave a small grunt of displeasure and tried to force his head back down. Spike couldn't help but chuckle. "Luv, it's not that I'm not enjoying this, but don't you think we ought to move this inside? You never know when one of my undead brethren
might decide to go out for a midnight snack."
Buffy physically ached at the loss of contact, but she knew that he was right. "Good point. Come on, I'll race ya to the crypt." With a laugh of pure delight, she took of running. Spike took off after her and caught her at the door of the crypt. He wrapped his arms around her and returned his lips to hers once more. They spent several long minutes at the entrance of the crypt kissing and fondling before Buffy suddenly broke off. This time, Spike was the one who tired to pull her back in. Buffy just gave him a wicked grin and reached down to grab a hold of his belt buckle. "Come on, cowboy. Let's get you inside." Laughing she tugged at the buckle and dragged him into the crypt.
The excited couple fumbled their way through the crypt in the dark. Every now and then, they would stop and resume kissing. Buffy didn't know if they were going to be able to make it downstairs. Spike caught her up in another hungry kiss, and she moved to push his duster off his shoulders. There was simply too much clothing between them. Spike responded by shrugging out of the duster and helping her out of her jacket. Buffy gave him another one of her wicked smiles and ripped her tank top over her head. The look of pure desire that sprang to the vampire's eyes made her almost weak in the knees. She reached out and began lifting up Spike's T-shirt, desperate for the feel of his skin. Realizing her frustration, Spike helped out by raising his arms and allowing her to remove the offending garment.
Buffy sucked in a breath at the sight of his beautifully sculpted chest. God, he was perfect, like a work of art. Spike saw the appreciation in her eyes, and it made him want her even more. Pulling her back into his tight embrace, he roamed his hands over the exposed skin of her back. She was so bloody beautiful, and her skin was so soft and silky. Buffy began to rain little kisses all over his chest and Spike knew that he could not wait any longer. He picked the small girl up in his arms and walked quickly to the opening in the floor. He set her down just in front of the ladder, planted a quick kiss on her swollen lips and motioned for her to climb down.
Buffy began to climb down the ladder with Spike right behind her. When she got to the bottom and turned around to look at the bed, she was shocked by what she saw. The room was much neater than the last time she had been down there and there were half burned candles blazing all around the bed. Buffy's mouth hung open in shock, and she stood rooted to the floor. What was that? Oh my fucking God. There were rose petals scattered all over the bed. *Spike* had strewn *rose petals* all over his fucking bed. Spike didn't seem to notice her shock as he came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. He began kissing her neck and fumbling with the button on her pants. He had planned this! The fucking bastard had actually arranged a goddamn seduction scene. Buffy was amazed by his sheer audacity. How could he just assume that she wanted to sleep with him again?
Rage was bubbling inside of her, and Buffy could hold it back no longer. "What the fuck is this?" she spat angrily.
Spike raised his head from her neck in confusion. "What? Oh," he suddenly noticed the state of his bedroom. "I forgot all about it." He lowered his head and purred in her ear. "Do you like it, luv?"
Without warning, Buffy's elbow shot back and connected squarely with Spike's stomach. With a grunt of pain, Spike stumbled backward. "What the hell?"
Buffy whirled on him, her eyes blazing with hatred. "I told you," her arm flew out and punched him in the nose, "not," another punch, "to call me," punch, "luv!" Her leg shot out in a fury and hit him in the chest. The force of the kick set Spike flying back, crashing into the ladder.
Spike was shocked beyond belief. Where the hell was this coming from? What was she on about this time? Gingerly, he touched his battered nose, feeling the blood that had begun to run out. "Luv," he started, taking a step closer to her, "what's the matter?"
"Again with the Luv! What the hell is the matter with you?"
"Me? Nothing's the matter with me. We were having a perfectly lovely time, and all of a sudden you start punching me. What's wrong?"
"Wrong," shrieked Buffy, "I'll tell you what's wrong! You! You are wrong. This," she spun to face the bed and waved her arms wildly, "is wrong! What the hell were you thinking? You thought I'd just come over here and fuck you again? After I told you that this freak show was over? You're pathetic!"
Now Spike was getting angry. "Oh please, Slayer. Don't give me that bullshit! You practically shagged me upstairs, not to mention out in the cemetery. And don't you dare try to deny that was the exact reason why you were coming down here in the first place! Of course I thought you wanted to shag me again! For Christ's sake, you were hanging all over me, ripping my bloody clothes off! What was I supposed to think?"
Buffy had the grace to look embarrassed. He was right. She had been practically begging him for it not five minutes before. All the fire went out of her. How could she be angry with him for wanting to have sex with her when *she* was the one who had started the whole thing? Hell, she had started it every single time. Who could blame him for responding to her advances and maybe even hoping that she would someday make more? This was all her fault. Everything that had happened between them was because of her.
Spike could see the change in Buffy's demeanor and decided to make the best of it. Taking a few steps closer to her, and being careful to keep his voice gentle, he seized his opportunity. "Luv, I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't just have assumed that we would end up in bed. It's just that I was so happy when you finally told me that you wanted to talk. I tried to keep a level head, but you know me, not exactly the poster boy for level-headedness. Buffy, I love you. I wanted us to have a perfect night together. I honestly thought you would like it. I just want you to be happy."
"Spike," Buffy's voice almost broke on the word. This was all too much for her. At times like this, when he was so gentle and caring, she could almost believe that he did love her. She could almost even believe that some part of her loved him back. But it wasn't possible. No, it couldn't be real. Her swirling mess of thoughts became too much for Buffy, and she sunk down onto the bed and dropped her head to her hands. Spike took a few more steps in her direction, but he seemed to be afraid to get too close to her.
They stayed that way for several minutes before Buffy finally spoke. Her voice wasn't much stronger than before, and she seemed to be on the verge of tears. "Why do you love me?"
Spike had not been expecting that particular question, and he was momentarily taken aback. "Why do I love you, pet? Now that's a question. I couldn't even to begin to know where to start."
Buffy raised her head to look at him for the first time in what seemed like ages. She was surprised to see that he was naked from the waist up. `Oh yeah, I did that'. For a brief moment, she almost smiled. She couldn't believe that it had taken her all these years to realize how incredibly sexy he was. Just standing there, his pale skin almost glowing in the candle light, and his beautiful blue eyes filled with love, he was a sight to behold. Buffy knew that this man would be the death of her. And not in the bitey sense either. "Please," her voice was colored with desperation, "tell me why you love me. I need to know."
"Okay then, " Spike took a deep, unneeded breath and prepared to tell the love of his unlife all of the reasons why he loved her. "I love you because you're Buffy. You're strong and brave, loyal and true. You're smart and funny and beautiful when you smile. You're so tough, yet vulnerable, too. You love your friends and family with everything you've got, and you'd die to protect them. In fact, you did." Spike's eyes began to water as he got to the last part, but he pushed on. Clearing his throat, he continued. "You've got courage enough to face any evil that comes your way and the determination to live to fight another day. Hell, Buffy, it's more than that. *You're* more than that. It's every bloody thing about you. From the way you're eyes shine when you're happy right down to your incredible stubbornness. You've got this...light inside of you, this fire. I can't even describe."
Spike was frustrated with his inability to accurately put his feelings for her into words. He turned away and began to pace. He needed a smoke. Damn, they were in his duster upstairs. Okay, no problem. There should be another pack in the drawer of his nightstand. Spike walked over and began rummaging around for the cigarettes. Finally, he came up with a half empty pack and a very battered book of matches. Buffy had turned her head to follow his progress and was looking at him intently. Lighting a cigarette, he resumed his pacing. Buffy's eyes followed every movement. Spike smoked furiously as he paced and tried to collect his thoughts.
Suddenly, Buffy broke the silence. "Spike, I--"
"No!" He had finally realized what he wanted to tell her, and he didn't think he could wait another minute. "I'm not finished, luv. There's more, much more." Throwing down the half smoked cigarette, he walked back over to where she sat. "The thing I love most about you, Buffy, is the way you make me feel. When I'm with you, it's almost as if I hadn't died in that stable so long ago. You make me feel...alive. You remind me of what I used to be. You bring back all of the good things that died with William. You make me want to be a better man." He dropped to his knees if front of her and looked deep into her suddenly tear filled eyes. "Pet, that light inside you, it's like my sunshine. Whenever I get close to you, it's like I suddenly have control over who I am, of *what* I am. I want to be good for you. I want to be worthy of your love. I'd do anything, give up anything, just to have your love." Spike reached out and grabbed one of Buffy's hands. He kissed it gently before
raising it to rest against his face. "I love you, Buffy, with every inch of my being. I love you so much that I..." The weight of his emotions became too much, and Spike suddenly stopped speaking and closed his eyes. He continued to hold Buffy's hand to his face, but he said no more.
Buffy was deeply touched and a little stunned by the vampire's heartfelt revelations. She had slowly begun to admit to herself that Spike's feelings for her were real, but she had never imagined their true depth. Her eyes roamed over Spike's handsome face, and she slowly moved her hand beneath his to caress his cheekbone. If this was indeed how he really felt, and she didn't doubt that it was, it was going to be a whole hell of a lot harder to keep denying that whatever was happening between the two of them was real. No, it couldn't be real. She couldn't love him. She decided to take another stab at denial. "But, you're a vampire," she began.
With an angry roar, Spike dropped her hand and shot to his feet. It was one step forward and two steps back with this woman. He didn't know how much longer he could keep up this particular dance. "Bloody Hell!" he shouted as he turned and stalked away. Suddenly, he stopped and whirled to face her again. "Yes! I am a vampire. And you, you're the Slayer. Newsflash, pet, I didn't have any more choice in the matter than you did. You think that I wanted this sodding excuse for an existence? Do you really think that I, the human William, would have wanted to be turned into this, this monster? No! A thousand times no! I hate what I am. I hate being this monster, and I hate it that I am unworthy of your love!"
"Spike!" Buffy was sobbing now. Tears streamed freely down her face, and her shoulders shook uncontrollably. "You're not a monster! Don't say that!"
Spike's heart broke at the sight of his beautiful Slayer sobbing. He hated causing her pain. Again, he rushed to her side and this time wrapped his arms around the shaking girl. He wanted to lie to her, to tell her that everything was all right and that he wasn't really a monster. But her couldn't lie to her, could never lie to her. Instead, he held her tightly and stoked her hair lovingly. "Yes, Pet, I am a monster. I'm a vampire, and nothing's ever going to change that. But *I* can change. I can be good. I can fight the good fight with you." He pulled away slightly to look at her tear-stained face. "Luv, I can be what ever you want me to be. I just want to be with you. You treat me like a man, and, bugger all, I'm gonna act like one. I can do it, Buffy. I know I can. Please give me the chance."
As Spike continued to hold her, gently rocking her back and forth, Buffy continued to sob. She cried for Spike, and she cried for William and all that he had lost. She cried for herself and the hard road that she knew lay ahead of her. Spike was right. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that she was the Slayer and it wasn't fair that he was a vampire. Neither one of them had had any choice in the matter. They both just tried to deal with it the best they could.
Buffy didn't know if what Spike was saying was true, but she didn't doubt the sentiment behind it. She believed that he thought he could change, but she honestly didn't know if it was possible. Could vampires really learn to control their demons and consciously chose not to kill? If they could, then what did that say about her? She went around dusting any vampire that happened to wander across her path. What if those vampires had the potential to be like Spike? That would mean that she was nothing but a killer. If what he was saying was true, then Buffy wasn't sure how she would be able to keep slaying with a clear conscience. She needed to know more.
"How?" Buffy's sobs had finally abated, but the word was barely more than a whisper.
"How what, luv?" Spike's head was buried in the Slayers hair, and he did not release his hold on her. Buffy pulled back slightly to look into his eyes.
"How can you love me? How can you just choose to be good? How can you go against your very nature? How can you do any of it?" For once, Buffy's voice wasn't angry and accusing. She wasn't attacking him. She just wanted to know.
Spike sighed heavily. He had absolutely no idea himself. How could he possible explain it to her? "I don't know, luv. How can anyone do it? Vampires aren't the only ones capable of being evil, you know. Look at Hitler. He exterminated over six million people, not to mention all the people who died trying to stop him, and he was as human as they come. Everyone had evil inside of them, luv, even you. It's just that most people know how to control it, and they have the ability to discern what's right. But if you really think about it, there are a whole hell of a lot of people out there who are capable of killing, or raping or stealing, and the only reason they don't is because they are afraid of being caught. Do you get what I'm saying?"
Buffy nodded, but didn't say anything. She did understand the point that he was trying to make, but it only confused her more. Spike went on. "When a person is made a vampire, he loses that ability to judge between good and evil. The only thing that matters to a vampire is staying alive, and vampires need blood to live. Hence, we kill. Yeah, there are some, like Angelus for instance, who get off on the killing and the terrorizing, but for the most part, it's all about survival." Spike paused for a moment and seemed to change his mind. "Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I guess it's not all about survival, but that does play a big part. You see, luv, vampires have a whole different culture than humans. Vampire societies have their own sets of rules and regulations. When you become a vampire, you learn to live by those rules, and the human rules cease to become important. Does any of this make any sense?"
"Yeah, it makes sense, but it still doesn't explain how you can be so different. I mean, you don't even have a soul." Buffy was still searching for answers.
Spike groaned. "There's the bloody S-word again! You've been hanging around Peaches too much. Who's to say that I haven't got a soul? The way I figure it, a soul's got nothing to do with it. Vampires have feelings and emotions just like anyone else. The thing that we haven't got, well I guess you could call it a conscience."
"So, you don't feel bad about all the people you've killed?"
"No, luv, I don't. I'm a vampire; it's what we do. Look, I may have made a lot of changes over the past few years, and, yeah, I'm willing to make more, but that doesn't change the fact that I've got a demon inside me. I can't change what I've done in the past. I only have control over what I do now."
"That's true, but the only reason you don't kill now is because of the chip." Buffy saw an emotion that she couldn't quite identify flash quickly across Spike's face. "What if the chip stops working? Who's to say that you wouldn't go right back to killing humans as soon as you were able?" That was one of Buffy's greatest fears. If the chip stopped working, would all of the changes that she had seen in Spike just disappear?
Spike was quiet for a moment. He dropped his eyes from Buffy's and stared intently at his belt buckle. He considered lying; just telling her that he would never bite a single human again, but he couldn't do it. If she found out on her own, she would never forgive him. With a resigned sigh, he raised his head to meet her eyes once again. "I'm not going to lie to you, luv. I know that you're going to be mad when you hear what I have to say, but please just hear me out. Okay?"
Buffy could feel her stomach tying in knots. Whatever was coming couldn't be good. She wasn't sure if she wanted to hear it. She didn't have strength enough to fight with Spike any more that night. "It's okay, just tell me. I promise to listen."
"Um, okay," he carefully eyed her tight leather pants. "You don't have any more stakes on ya, do ya luv?" To his relief, Buffy shook her head no. "Okay, good then. Here goes. The other night, you know, in front of the museum. I was so hurt and angry by what you said to me, how you called me and evil disgusting thing." Spike saw that she was about to speak, and he raised a hand to ward her off. "No, it's okay. That's not the point here. The point is, that's when I realized that I could hurt you without the chip going off. I figured that the sodding thing had finally stopped working all together, and I was so pissed at you for what you said. So, I decided to go out and prove to you, and myself and the whole bloody world for that matter, that I was just as evil and disgusting as you said."
"Spike, you didn't." Buffy's hands had clenched into fists and her eyes were beginning to flash.
"No, I didn't, but you promised to hear me out, remember? As I was saying, I went out to prove that I could still be evil. You seemed to refuse to believe that I could be anything else, so what was the point really? Anyways, I found myself a nice little girl to bite. The problem is, it wasn't quite like I remembered. She was so scared, and, instead of getting off on it like I used to, I started to feel sorry for her. I thought about the Nibblet, and how I would feel if some vamp was going to bite her. It was like everything had changed. I've spent so much time with you and Little Bit and the rest of your gang that I bloody well started to identify with the whole lot of you. What if your hamburger started pleading for its life just as you went to bite into it?"
"So," Buffy's voice was shaking, but there was small speck of hope in it, "you didn't bite her then?"
"Well, no. Not exactly. There I was in this sodding alley, giving myself a bloody pep talk. I used to think that the one thing I wanted most in this world was to be free of that blasted chip--well, before I fell in love with you anyway--and I finally had my chance, but I couldn't do it. Had to talk myself into it, I did. I just kept thinking about you and how you still thought I was evil, no matter all the good things I did. I had to literally force my game face on, but I was determined to prove you right. So, I tried to bite her, but the bloody chip went off. It hurt like hell, and I was really pissed off, but I guess, in a way, I was kind of relieved too." Spike finished his confession and sat quietly. They were no longer touching, and he fidgeted while he waited for Buffy's response.
Buffy wasn't sure what to say. There was a torrent of emotions raging inside of her, and she wasn't sure which one to deal with first. Why did her life have to be so confusing? Why did she even have to be here in the first place? For about the thousandth time since her resurrection, Buffy found herself cursing her friends for bringing her back. If they had only just left her to rest in peace, then she wouldn't have any of these problems.
Buffy looked at Spike and his shirtless chest caused her to suddenly be aware of her own half dressed state. Almost instantly, she was cold. She shivered involuntarily and wrapped her arms around herself, trying to get warm. Spike noticed this and immediately got up from the bed. He retrieved a black T-shirt from his dresser drawer and returned to the bed with it. He held it out to Buffy, and she took it without a word. She slipped it on and eyed his naked chest pointedly. Spike gave her a guilty smile and turned to fetch a shirt for himself. Fully clothed, he returned to the bed and sat next to her again. Buffy still hadn't spoken, and he wasn't sure what to make of her silence.
Sensing Spike's growing agitation, Buffy decided that she had better say something. "So," she began, her voice strangely devoid of emotion, "what you're saying is that you tried to bite her, and that you would have if the chip hadn't interfered. So really, you *are* just a serial killer in prison. The minute you got your chance, you rushed out to kill someone."
Spike flinched noticeably at her words. "Now, pet, you've got to consider the circumstances. I was brassed off at you and incredibly hurt by what you had said to me. It was rash and stupid, and I know that now. If I had to do it over again, I surely wouldn't."
"Yeah," snorted Buffy, "because it gave you one hell of a headache. What would have happened if the chip hadn't gone off? What if it stopped working for real? You could have killed her. You would have killed her! And it would be my fault for not staking you a long time ago."
At the mention of staking, Spike scooted a little away from the Slayer. He wasn't taking any chances. "Weren't you listening before? I don't think I could have killed her. Even if the chip hadn't gone off, I don't think I could have gone through with it. That's not what I want anymore. Buffy, I don't want to go back to what I was. I honestly don't know if I'm still capable of taking a human life in cold blood anymore."
"Oh yeah?" Buffy sounded doubtful. "And when exactly did you start placing such a high value on human life?"
"When I lost you." Spike's voice was soft, and his eyes were starting to fill with tears again.
"Oh." It was all Buffy could say. She hadn't been prepared for that response.
"Yeah, oh. Buffy, your dying was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I didn't think I could go on, but I had to. I promised you that I'd protect Nibblet, and I was determined to keep that promise. Still, it was bloody well that hardest thing that I ever had to do. Those 147 days were the longest of my entire life and unlife put together. Every night I would dream of you. Every night I saved you. But every day I had to live with the fact that I had failed you. If only I had been a little stronger, or a little more cleaver, you might not of had to jump. But you did, and you were gone, and it was horrible."
Buffy could see the unshed tears glistening in the vampire's blue eyes, and she could hear the genuine emotion in his throaty voice. It made her heart hurt, and she decided to take pity on him and tell him what she should have told him the last time he had given her the "Every Night" speech. "Spike," she reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, "you didn't fail me. I don't believe that, and you shouldn't either. You did the best you could, and that's all I could ever ask. I made the decision to jump, me, and me alone. It had nothing to do with you."
"Yeah, but it still doesn't matter. You still jumped, and you were still just as dead. And I was in so much pain. Everyone was, your kid sis, your Watcher and all your Scooby pals. I looked around me, and all I saw was pain. That's when I decided that I never wanted to be the cause of that pain, to anyone, ever again. I know that I haven't given you much reason to trust me, but I'm telling the truth here. I meant it when I said that when you treat me like a man it makes me want to act like one. But, Buffy, when you treat me like a monster, then I act like one. What am I supposed to do? Either way I lose. I act like a man and you still don't love me, but when I act like a monster, you don't trust me, or, worse yet, you stake me."
Buffy could see the tremendous pain on Spike's face, and her heart went out to him. She reached forward to wrap him in a comforting hug. Spike's arms immediately went around her, and he started to cry in earnest as he buried his head in her hair. Buffy just continued to hug him for all she was worth. God, it really wasn't fair. He was right. What was he supposed to do? Resting her head against his hard shoulder, Buffy came to a decision. She would help him. Maybe, if she could continue treating Spike like a man, then he would continue to act like one. She could talk to the gang and get them to act the same. Maybe, with enough help, he could overcome his demon and turn his back on the whole evil thing. She really wished that she still had Giles to talk to. He would probably have some good insights. Well, there was always Willow, but wait, Willow had her own problems now. Buffy shouldn't be bothering her with Spike's. Damn, she really didn't have anyone to turn to. The tears
crept up without warning and quickly overtook her. Spike's arms tightened around her as Buffy began to cry.
They stayed that way for a long time, vampire and Slayer wrapped in an embrace. This time, there was no passion, just a mutual need for comfort. Buffy was still slightly amazed by the fact that she could feel so safe in Spike's arms. Despite the coolness of his body, there was definite warmth in his embrace. She gave herself over to the feeling of calm that had begun to surround her, and lost herself completely in her ex-mortal enemy's arms.
Spike was the first to stop crying. He was so grateful to Buffy for giving him this small comfort. He knew that she must be confused and angry by his confession about the girl in the alley, but she had not failed to notice his pain. He never ceased to be surprised by the love that lay inside this woman. It was a pity that she took such great pains to protect it. His greatest hope was that one day Buffy would love him the way her loved her, but for now at least, he was content to simply feel her arms around him.
Buffy's tears were coming to an end, and she slowly started to realize how late it must be. She hated to leave, they still had so much to talk about, but she needed to get back to Dawn. Giving Spike one final squeeze, Buffy broke the hug. "Spike, I know how hard it must have been for you to tell me that, and I'm very glad that you did. I know that you're trying to be good, and I promise that I'll do anything I can to help you. There's so much more that we still need to talk about, so many things that I want to say to you, but I need to go now." Seeing that Spike was about to protest, Buffy hurried on. "I don't want to leave you either, but I have to. Dawn's home alone, and I don't know if Willow will be there or what kind of shape she'll be in. You understand, don't you?"
Spike did understand. He didn't like the thought of Nibblet alone with Red either. Of course, that didn't mean that he wouldn't give anything just to have Buffy stay five more minutes. Slowly, he nodded his head and gave the Slayer a weak smile. "It's okay, luv. You should go home to the Little Bit. Maybe we could talk again tomorrow?"
Buffy almost smiled. Spike's voice had a pleading quality to it that she had never imagined she'd hear. "It's a deal. Don't forget, Dawn's coming over, and then we have the Scooby meeting. Maybe afterwards we can find some time to talk. But there will be no mood lighting and no rose petals, okay?" Spike just gave her an embarrassed grin and nodded his head.
"Good." Buffy stood up and began to walk toward the ladder. Just as she was putting her foot on the bottom rung, she felt Spike's hand on her shoulder.
"Slayer, wait."
She turned to face him. "What is it?" Buffy was afraid that she already knew.
"Give us a kiss, luv. Please?"
Buffy's heart melted at the look on his face. She decided that one kiss wouldn't be so bad. "Okay, but just one." She leaned in to brush her lips gently against his. What had started out as an innocent little kiss quickly developed into something more serious. Buffy's arms went around Spike's neck, almost involuntarily, and she felt his arms encircle her waist. He pulled her a little closer as the kiss deepened. It was like no kiss they had ever shared before. This time, there was no anger, no passion, no fighting to establish dominance. There was only gentle searching and quiet longing. Spike's lips were soft on hers, and his tongue gently explored her mouth.
Buffy felt herself becoming overwhelmed by emotion. This was so different than anything she had ever experienced. When she had kissed Angel, she felt like she was going to die. When she had kissed Riley, well, she really hadn't felt much of anything. He had never really penetrated her soul the way Angel had. If she really thought about it, Riley had been the one who was convenient, not Spike, never Spike. Now that she was kissing Spike--a real kiss this time, one filled with tenderness and desire, with understanding and just a touch of sadness--Buffy really couldn't say exactly what she was feeling. All she knew was that she felt alive. It was one of the few times since coming back from the dead that Buffy had felt truly alive. If forced to examine the issue, she would have to admit that the only times she *ever* felt alive were when she was with Spike.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the kiss ended. Spike looked at her with such love in his eyes, that Buffy didn't trust herself to speak. She simply turned away from him and made her way up the ladder and out of the crypt as quickly as possible. She didn't even stop to pick up her discarded jacket and tank top. She was half afraid that Spike would follow her up and didn't want to spend even one second longer than necessary, lest she never leave. It was with a mixture of relief and disappointment that she realized that Spike wasn't following her. Utterly confused by the night's events, the Slayer made her way home.
Chapter 5: The Cemetery
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.
A/N: I noticed when uploading my Word document for the first couple of chapters that my italics somehow disappeared, so I'm trying a new tactic. I'm using *word* for emphasis and single quotations for the characters thoughts. Thanks to the nice people who left reviews. It made my day. More chapters to come.
Buffy had decided to do a quick patrol before going to see Spike. She figured that their little talk might take a while, and she had better get her duty out of the way first. That's what she told herself anyway. In reality, she was just stalling for time. Buffy had spent all night thinking about Spike, and she still had absolutely no idea what to say to him. For the life of her, she really couldn't figure out what had prompted her to tell him she wanted to talk in the first place. Maybe it had been thinking about the similarities between Spike and Anya that did it. Then again, maybe it had been the way he was with Dawn. Of course, the fact that she had been having thoughts of a decidedly sexual nature in connection with him for the last three days had absolutely nothing to do with it. Nope. No way, Jose. That was a one-time thing. It was nothing but a great big mistake that she had vowed never to make again. It was of the past, and so help her, it would stay there. If Buffy
had her way, it would never be mentioned again.
Buffy sighed and sat on a nearby tombstone. For some unknown reason, she suddenly wished that she smoked. Sure, cigarettes were disgusting and nasty, but a smoke right now might help to clear her head. Okay, she did have to admit that Spike looked pretty damn sexy with a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, but he didn't have to worry about lung cancer. God, there it was again, Spike and sexy in the same sentence. What the hell was wrong with her? These were simply unacceptable thoughts for the Slayer to be having. It was bad enough that she had gone completely crazy and had sex with him once--okay it was like nine times, but in one night--but now she was actually considering doing it again.
"Oh my God!" Buffy had spoken out loud with out even noticing. She hadn't even realized that she had been considering doing it again until that very minute. Well, to be fair, she probably hadn't * allowed * herself to realize it. After all, she had reapplied her makeup and changed clothes three times before heading out to go * slaying *. Even if, deep down, she knew that it was a possibility, it still didn't matter `cause it was never gonna happen.
Buffy groaned and clutched her head in her hands, trying to make the thoughts stop coming. She could almost hear Spike inside her head saying, "Sing me a new one, Slayer." It had gotten to the point where she could barley even lie to herself anymore. There was no way that she could keep up this rapidly crumbling front if she actually went through with her plan to talk to Spike. Buffy decided to bail. Abort the mission. Go to plan B. She would simply go to Spike's crypt, tell him that all was quiet on the undead front and ask for advice about Willow. Buffy smiled to herself. It was a good plan. Spike would appreciate being asked his opinion, and she could sit for a few minutes and listen to him ramble on. Then, maybe, she would thank him for being such a good friend to Dawn, but that was all. There would be no talk about feelings, no kissing and definitely no sex.
Feeling much better now that she had managed to run away from her problems once again, Buffy stood up and began to walk toward Spike's crypt. She was mentally going over her plan when she spotted three vampires standing over a fresh grave. Great, duty calls. Reaching for the stake hidden in the waistband of her leather pants, Buffy continued walking toward the little gang. If the dead guy rose anytime soon, she might be in trouble. Oh well, slaying was a high-risk profession.
Buffy managed to sneak up on the group unnoticed and staked one of the vampires immediately. The other two turned to look at her in horror. "Hey guys," she asked brightly, a thousand watt smile on her face, "waiting for someone?" The two remaining vamps immediately rushed her, and the fight was on.
Buffy lost herself in the rhythm of punching and kicking. It felt good to fight again. She staked the smaller one without any difficulty, but the last one was proving to be a little bit of a problem. She was so consumed with fighting him that she didn't even notice the vampire that was rising behind her.
Spike noticed. He was standing in the shadows watching his beautiful slayer fight. He had heard the commotion and come running to catch the show. He wanted to call out to her, or, better yet, run and stake the newly risen vamp himself, but something held him back. He loved to watch her fight. She was so strong and confident, so graceful and alive. Come to think of it, the only time she really looked alive anymore was when she was fighting, whether it be with some random vamp or with Spike himself. Fighting brought back some of her fire. Coming back from the dead had not agreed with Buffy Summers, and Spike knew that she was still haunted by her memories of heaven. Yet another thing that he would love to help her with, if she'd only let him.
Buffy had finally noticed the vampire emerging from the grave. With one swift move, she hurled the larger vampire against a nearby tree and turned to stake the other before he had even made it all the way out of the ground. With a brilliant smile--God, she was beautiful when she smiled--she turned back to the big guy. "Gee, looks like all your friends have gone nighty-night. Guess you'll just have to play with me now." The vampire struggled to his feet and rushed at Buffy with an angry growl. The Slayer merely held out her stake and let him run right into it.
As the vampire exploded into dust, Spike stepped forward from the shadows. He was reminded of the very first time he had seen her fight, in the alley by the Bronze, and he began to clap. Startled by the sound, Buffy turned to look at him.
"Spike!" She did not sound too happy to see him. "What are you doing here?" Brushing vampire dust off of her clothes, Buffy walked over to where he stood. "I thought I told you that I'd be over later?" She crossed her arms over her chest and tried to look impatient, when really the sight of him was driving her mad with desire. She always got worked up after a good fight and looking at this dead sexy man (thing! He's a thing!) in front of her didn't help matters much. Buffy hoped that he couldn't tell, but, knowing Spike, he probably could.
Spike decided to play it cool. "Nice work Slayer. I didn't think you were ever going to notice that pillock climbing out of the grave. Shoulda known better than to doubt you."
"Gee, thanks," Buffy was flustered. What did he want? "Your praise is so important to me."
"Well, you know me. I give credit where credit is due."
"Spike, what do you want?"
Now Spike was starting to get angry again. Why should he have to explain his presence to her? The smile that had appeared on his face the moment he first laid eyes upon his love began to fall away. "I got tired of waiting. Decided to step out for a spot of violence before bedtime. What's it to you?"
"Nothing, it's just--" Buffy broke off, suddenly suspicious. "Were you following me?"
"Following you? Bloody Hell, Slayer, I didn't even know you were here!" Spike's eyes were beginning to flash dangerously. "You really need to get over yourself. What in the bleeding hell makes you think that I would waste my time following you around?"
"Come on, Spike," now Buffy was starting to get angry. "It's not like you haven't done it before. I seem to recall a time when you were downright stalking me!"
Spike was momentarily taken aback. She had a point. "Yeah," his voice softened a bit, "maybe I did, but that was then, this is now. I told you Slayer, I've got my rocks back!" His voice hardened with his last statement, the anger rising again. Never mind the fact that he actually was going out to find her, the fact that she just assumed it to be so infuriated him.
"Fine!" Buffy was screaming now. "Then just take your fucking rocks and get the hell out of here already!"
"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd love it if I just left you alone to your self-pity and denial. Well, tough titty, luv. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere until I can make you see that you are--"
Spike's words were cut off by Buffy's lips. Before he even knew what hit him, she had her arms wrapped around his neck and was kissing him hungrily. Too aroused to question it, Spike gave himself over to the kiss. It felt so good to have Buffy's arms around him once again. It was so good to feel her warm lips pressed against his cool ones. He pulled her closer and she gave a little moan of pleasure.
Buffy could not believe that she was doing this again. She knew that it was wrong, but she couldn't help it. Fighting with Spike got her so hot, and kissing him mid-argument seemed like a natural part of her defense system. Kinda like the fight or flight response that she had learned about in Freshman Pscyh, only this was kick or kiss. Deep down, Buffy knew that part of the reason why she kissed Spike in times like these was because she didn't want to hear what he had to say next. He was too damn insightful, and it was too painful for her to sit and listen as he blasted through all her carefully constructed walls. Right now, she didn't care. She just wanted to lose herself in the incredible feeling of kissing Spike.
Spike was enjoying it every bit as much as Buffy. He felt her hot little hands snake under his T-shirt and begin caressing his back. Suppressing a groan, he moved his kisses down to the Slayer's neck. He was surprised when Buffy arched her neck toward his searching lips, granting him better access. He felt himself grow even harder at this simple gesture. She trusted him. God, the Slayer actually trusted him enough not to bite her, even though she knew that he could hurt her now. Overcome with emotion, Spike lavished her neck with kisses and was rewarded by her excited murmurs. He could feel the heat coming off of her in waves and smell her steadily growing arousal. Before the passion could overtake them both, Spike broke away. Buffy gave a small grunt of displeasure and tried to force his head back down. Spike couldn't help but chuckle. "Luv, it's not that I'm not enjoying this, but don't you think we ought to move this inside? You never know when one of my undead brethren
might decide to go out for a midnight snack."
Buffy physically ached at the loss of contact, but she knew that he was right. "Good point. Come on, I'll race ya to the crypt." With a laugh of pure delight, she took of running. Spike took off after her and caught her at the door of the crypt. He wrapped his arms around her and returned his lips to hers once more. They spent several long minutes at the entrance of the crypt kissing and fondling before Buffy suddenly broke off. This time, Spike was the one who tired to pull her back in. Buffy just gave him a wicked grin and reached down to grab a hold of his belt buckle. "Come on, cowboy. Let's get you inside." Laughing she tugged at the buckle and dragged him into the crypt.
The excited couple fumbled their way through the crypt in the dark. Every now and then, they would stop and resume kissing. Buffy didn't know if they were going to be able to make it downstairs. Spike caught her up in another hungry kiss, and she moved to push his duster off his shoulders. There was simply too much clothing between them. Spike responded by shrugging out of the duster and helping her out of her jacket. Buffy gave him another one of her wicked smiles and ripped her tank top over her head. The look of pure desire that sprang to the vampire's eyes made her almost weak in the knees. She reached out and began lifting up Spike's T-shirt, desperate for the feel of his skin. Realizing her frustration, Spike helped out by raising his arms and allowing her to remove the offending garment.
Buffy sucked in a breath at the sight of his beautifully sculpted chest. God, he was perfect, like a work of art. Spike saw the appreciation in her eyes, and it made him want her even more. Pulling her back into his tight embrace, he roamed his hands over the exposed skin of her back. She was so bloody beautiful, and her skin was so soft and silky. Buffy began to rain little kisses all over his chest and Spike knew that he could not wait any longer. He picked the small girl up in his arms and walked quickly to the opening in the floor. He set her down just in front of the ladder, planted a quick kiss on her swollen lips and motioned for her to climb down.
Buffy began to climb down the ladder with Spike right behind her. When she got to the bottom and turned around to look at the bed, she was shocked by what she saw. The room was much neater than the last time she had been down there and there were half burned candles blazing all around the bed. Buffy's mouth hung open in shock, and she stood rooted to the floor. What was that? Oh my fucking God. There were rose petals scattered all over the bed. *Spike* had strewn *rose petals* all over his fucking bed. Spike didn't seem to notice her shock as he came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. He began kissing her neck and fumbling with the button on her pants. He had planned this! The fucking bastard had actually arranged a goddamn seduction scene. Buffy was amazed by his sheer audacity. How could he just assume that she wanted to sleep with him again?
Rage was bubbling inside of her, and Buffy could hold it back no longer. "What the fuck is this?" she spat angrily.
Spike raised his head from her neck in confusion. "What? Oh," he suddenly noticed the state of his bedroom. "I forgot all about it." He lowered his head and purred in her ear. "Do you like it, luv?"
Without warning, Buffy's elbow shot back and connected squarely with Spike's stomach. With a grunt of pain, Spike stumbled backward. "What the hell?"
Buffy whirled on him, her eyes blazing with hatred. "I told you," her arm flew out and punched him in the nose, "not," another punch, "to call me," punch, "luv!" Her leg shot out in a fury and hit him in the chest. The force of the kick set Spike flying back, crashing into the ladder.
Spike was shocked beyond belief. Where the hell was this coming from? What was she on about this time? Gingerly, he touched his battered nose, feeling the blood that had begun to run out. "Luv," he started, taking a step closer to her, "what's the matter?"
"Again with the Luv! What the hell is the matter with you?"
"Me? Nothing's the matter with me. We were having a perfectly lovely time, and all of a sudden you start punching me. What's wrong?"
"Wrong," shrieked Buffy, "I'll tell you what's wrong! You! You are wrong. This," she spun to face the bed and waved her arms wildly, "is wrong! What the hell were you thinking? You thought I'd just come over here and fuck you again? After I told you that this freak show was over? You're pathetic!"
Now Spike was getting angry. "Oh please, Slayer. Don't give me that bullshit! You practically shagged me upstairs, not to mention out in the cemetery. And don't you dare try to deny that was the exact reason why you were coming down here in the first place! Of course I thought you wanted to shag me again! For Christ's sake, you were hanging all over me, ripping my bloody clothes off! What was I supposed to think?"
Buffy had the grace to look embarrassed. He was right. She had been practically begging him for it not five minutes before. All the fire went out of her. How could she be angry with him for wanting to have sex with her when *she* was the one who had started the whole thing? Hell, she had started it every single time. Who could blame him for responding to her advances and maybe even hoping that she would someday make more? This was all her fault. Everything that had happened between them was because of her.
Spike could see the change in Buffy's demeanor and decided to make the best of it. Taking a few steps closer to her, and being careful to keep his voice gentle, he seized his opportunity. "Luv, I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't just have assumed that we would end up in bed. It's just that I was so happy when you finally told me that you wanted to talk. I tried to keep a level head, but you know me, not exactly the poster boy for level-headedness. Buffy, I love you. I wanted us to have a perfect night together. I honestly thought you would like it. I just want you to be happy."
"Spike," Buffy's voice almost broke on the word. This was all too much for her. At times like this, when he was so gentle and caring, she could almost believe that he did love her. She could almost even believe that some part of her loved him back. But it wasn't possible. No, it couldn't be real. Her swirling mess of thoughts became too much for Buffy, and she sunk down onto the bed and dropped her head to her hands. Spike took a few more steps in her direction, but he seemed to be afraid to get too close to her.
They stayed that way for several minutes before Buffy finally spoke. Her voice wasn't much stronger than before, and she seemed to be on the verge of tears. "Why do you love me?"
Spike had not been expecting that particular question, and he was momentarily taken aback. "Why do I love you, pet? Now that's a question. I couldn't even to begin to know where to start."
Buffy raised her head to look at him for the first time in what seemed like ages. She was surprised to see that he was naked from the waist up. `Oh yeah, I did that'. For a brief moment, she almost smiled. She couldn't believe that it had taken her all these years to realize how incredibly sexy he was. Just standing there, his pale skin almost glowing in the candle light, and his beautiful blue eyes filled with love, he was a sight to behold. Buffy knew that this man would be the death of her. And not in the bitey sense either. "Please," her voice was colored with desperation, "tell me why you love me. I need to know."
"Okay then, " Spike took a deep, unneeded breath and prepared to tell the love of his unlife all of the reasons why he loved her. "I love you because you're Buffy. You're strong and brave, loyal and true. You're smart and funny and beautiful when you smile. You're so tough, yet vulnerable, too. You love your friends and family with everything you've got, and you'd die to protect them. In fact, you did." Spike's eyes began to water as he got to the last part, but he pushed on. Clearing his throat, he continued. "You've got courage enough to face any evil that comes your way and the determination to live to fight another day. Hell, Buffy, it's more than that. *You're* more than that. It's every bloody thing about you. From the way you're eyes shine when you're happy right down to your incredible stubbornness. You've got this...light inside of you, this fire. I can't even describe."
Spike was frustrated with his inability to accurately put his feelings for her into words. He turned away and began to pace. He needed a smoke. Damn, they were in his duster upstairs. Okay, no problem. There should be another pack in the drawer of his nightstand. Spike walked over and began rummaging around for the cigarettes. Finally, he came up with a half empty pack and a very battered book of matches. Buffy had turned her head to follow his progress and was looking at him intently. Lighting a cigarette, he resumed his pacing. Buffy's eyes followed every movement. Spike smoked furiously as he paced and tried to collect his thoughts.
Suddenly, Buffy broke the silence. "Spike, I--"
"No!" He had finally realized what he wanted to tell her, and he didn't think he could wait another minute. "I'm not finished, luv. There's more, much more." Throwing down the half smoked cigarette, he walked back over to where she sat. "The thing I love most about you, Buffy, is the way you make me feel. When I'm with you, it's almost as if I hadn't died in that stable so long ago. You make me feel...alive. You remind me of what I used to be. You bring back all of the good things that died with William. You make me want to be a better man." He dropped to his knees if front of her and looked deep into her suddenly tear filled eyes. "Pet, that light inside you, it's like my sunshine. Whenever I get close to you, it's like I suddenly have control over who I am, of *what* I am. I want to be good for you. I want to be worthy of your love. I'd do anything, give up anything, just to have your love." Spike reached out and grabbed one of Buffy's hands. He kissed it gently before
raising it to rest against his face. "I love you, Buffy, with every inch of my being. I love you so much that I..." The weight of his emotions became too much, and Spike suddenly stopped speaking and closed his eyes. He continued to hold Buffy's hand to his face, but he said no more.
Buffy was deeply touched and a little stunned by the vampire's heartfelt revelations. She had slowly begun to admit to herself that Spike's feelings for her were real, but she had never imagined their true depth. Her eyes roamed over Spike's handsome face, and she slowly moved her hand beneath his to caress his cheekbone. If this was indeed how he really felt, and she didn't doubt that it was, it was going to be a whole hell of a lot harder to keep denying that whatever was happening between the two of them was real. No, it couldn't be real. She couldn't love him. She decided to take another stab at denial. "But, you're a vampire," she began.
With an angry roar, Spike dropped her hand and shot to his feet. It was one step forward and two steps back with this woman. He didn't know how much longer he could keep up this particular dance. "Bloody Hell!" he shouted as he turned and stalked away. Suddenly, he stopped and whirled to face her again. "Yes! I am a vampire. And you, you're the Slayer. Newsflash, pet, I didn't have any more choice in the matter than you did. You think that I wanted this sodding excuse for an existence? Do you really think that I, the human William, would have wanted to be turned into this, this monster? No! A thousand times no! I hate what I am. I hate being this monster, and I hate it that I am unworthy of your love!"
"Spike!" Buffy was sobbing now. Tears streamed freely down her face, and her shoulders shook uncontrollably. "You're not a monster! Don't say that!"
Spike's heart broke at the sight of his beautiful Slayer sobbing. He hated causing her pain. Again, he rushed to her side and this time wrapped his arms around the shaking girl. He wanted to lie to her, to tell her that everything was all right and that he wasn't really a monster. But her couldn't lie to her, could never lie to her. Instead, he held her tightly and stoked her hair lovingly. "Yes, Pet, I am a monster. I'm a vampire, and nothing's ever going to change that. But *I* can change. I can be good. I can fight the good fight with you." He pulled away slightly to look at her tear-stained face. "Luv, I can be what ever you want me to be. I just want to be with you. You treat me like a man, and, bugger all, I'm gonna act like one. I can do it, Buffy. I know I can. Please give me the chance."
As Spike continued to hold her, gently rocking her back and forth, Buffy continued to sob. She cried for Spike, and she cried for William and all that he had lost. She cried for herself and the hard road that she knew lay ahead of her. Spike was right. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that she was the Slayer and it wasn't fair that he was a vampire. Neither one of them had had any choice in the matter. They both just tried to deal with it the best they could.
Buffy didn't know if what Spike was saying was true, but she didn't doubt the sentiment behind it. She believed that he thought he could change, but she honestly didn't know if it was possible. Could vampires really learn to control their demons and consciously chose not to kill? If they could, then what did that say about her? She went around dusting any vampire that happened to wander across her path. What if those vampires had the potential to be like Spike? That would mean that she was nothing but a killer. If what he was saying was true, then Buffy wasn't sure how she would be able to keep slaying with a clear conscience. She needed to know more.
"How?" Buffy's sobs had finally abated, but the word was barely more than a whisper.
"How what, luv?" Spike's head was buried in the Slayers hair, and he did not release his hold on her. Buffy pulled back slightly to look into his eyes.
"How can you love me? How can you just choose to be good? How can you go against your very nature? How can you do any of it?" For once, Buffy's voice wasn't angry and accusing. She wasn't attacking him. She just wanted to know.
Spike sighed heavily. He had absolutely no idea himself. How could he possible explain it to her? "I don't know, luv. How can anyone do it? Vampires aren't the only ones capable of being evil, you know. Look at Hitler. He exterminated over six million people, not to mention all the people who died trying to stop him, and he was as human as they come. Everyone had evil inside of them, luv, even you. It's just that most people know how to control it, and they have the ability to discern what's right. But if you really think about it, there are a whole hell of a lot of people out there who are capable of killing, or raping or stealing, and the only reason they don't is because they are afraid of being caught. Do you get what I'm saying?"
Buffy nodded, but didn't say anything. She did understand the point that he was trying to make, but it only confused her more. Spike went on. "When a person is made a vampire, he loses that ability to judge between good and evil. The only thing that matters to a vampire is staying alive, and vampires need blood to live. Hence, we kill. Yeah, there are some, like Angelus for instance, who get off on the killing and the terrorizing, but for the most part, it's all about survival." Spike paused for a moment and seemed to change his mind. "Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I guess it's not all about survival, but that does play a big part. You see, luv, vampires have a whole different culture than humans. Vampire societies have their own sets of rules and regulations. When you become a vampire, you learn to live by those rules, and the human rules cease to become important. Does any of this make any sense?"
"Yeah, it makes sense, but it still doesn't explain how you can be so different. I mean, you don't even have a soul." Buffy was still searching for answers.
Spike groaned. "There's the bloody S-word again! You've been hanging around Peaches too much. Who's to say that I haven't got a soul? The way I figure it, a soul's got nothing to do with it. Vampires have feelings and emotions just like anyone else. The thing that we haven't got, well I guess you could call it a conscience."
"So, you don't feel bad about all the people you've killed?"
"No, luv, I don't. I'm a vampire; it's what we do. Look, I may have made a lot of changes over the past few years, and, yeah, I'm willing to make more, but that doesn't change the fact that I've got a demon inside me. I can't change what I've done in the past. I only have control over what I do now."
"That's true, but the only reason you don't kill now is because of the chip." Buffy saw an emotion that she couldn't quite identify flash quickly across Spike's face. "What if the chip stops working? Who's to say that you wouldn't go right back to killing humans as soon as you were able?" That was one of Buffy's greatest fears. If the chip stopped working, would all of the changes that she had seen in Spike just disappear?
Spike was quiet for a moment. He dropped his eyes from Buffy's and stared intently at his belt buckle. He considered lying; just telling her that he would never bite a single human again, but he couldn't do it. If she found out on her own, she would never forgive him. With a resigned sigh, he raised his head to meet her eyes once again. "I'm not going to lie to you, luv. I know that you're going to be mad when you hear what I have to say, but please just hear me out. Okay?"
Buffy could feel her stomach tying in knots. Whatever was coming couldn't be good. She wasn't sure if she wanted to hear it. She didn't have strength enough to fight with Spike any more that night. "It's okay, just tell me. I promise to listen."
"Um, okay," he carefully eyed her tight leather pants. "You don't have any more stakes on ya, do ya luv?" To his relief, Buffy shook her head no. "Okay, good then. Here goes. The other night, you know, in front of the museum. I was so hurt and angry by what you said to me, how you called me and evil disgusting thing." Spike saw that she was about to speak, and he raised a hand to ward her off. "No, it's okay. That's not the point here. The point is, that's when I realized that I could hurt you without the chip going off. I figured that the sodding thing had finally stopped working all together, and I was so pissed at you for what you said. So, I decided to go out and prove to you, and myself and the whole bloody world for that matter, that I was just as evil and disgusting as you said."
"Spike, you didn't." Buffy's hands had clenched into fists and her eyes were beginning to flash.
"No, I didn't, but you promised to hear me out, remember? As I was saying, I went out to prove that I could still be evil. You seemed to refuse to believe that I could be anything else, so what was the point really? Anyways, I found myself a nice little girl to bite. The problem is, it wasn't quite like I remembered. She was so scared, and, instead of getting off on it like I used to, I started to feel sorry for her. I thought about the Nibblet, and how I would feel if some vamp was going to bite her. It was like everything had changed. I've spent so much time with you and Little Bit and the rest of your gang that I bloody well started to identify with the whole lot of you. What if your hamburger started pleading for its life just as you went to bite into it?"
"So," Buffy's voice was shaking, but there was small speck of hope in it, "you didn't bite her then?"
"Well, no. Not exactly. There I was in this sodding alley, giving myself a bloody pep talk. I used to think that the one thing I wanted most in this world was to be free of that blasted chip--well, before I fell in love with you anyway--and I finally had my chance, but I couldn't do it. Had to talk myself into it, I did. I just kept thinking about you and how you still thought I was evil, no matter all the good things I did. I had to literally force my game face on, but I was determined to prove you right. So, I tried to bite her, but the bloody chip went off. It hurt like hell, and I was really pissed off, but I guess, in a way, I was kind of relieved too." Spike finished his confession and sat quietly. They were no longer touching, and he fidgeted while he waited for Buffy's response.
Buffy wasn't sure what to say. There was a torrent of emotions raging inside of her, and she wasn't sure which one to deal with first. Why did her life have to be so confusing? Why did she even have to be here in the first place? For about the thousandth time since her resurrection, Buffy found herself cursing her friends for bringing her back. If they had only just left her to rest in peace, then she wouldn't have any of these problems.
Buffy looked at Spike and his shirtless chest caused her to suddenly be aware of her own half dressed state. Almost instantly, she was cold. She shivered involuntarily and wrapped her arms around herself, trying to get warm. Spike noticed this and immediately got up from the bed. He retrieved a black T-shirt from his dresser drawer and returned to the bed with it. He held it out to Buffy, and she took it without a word. She slipped it on and eyed his naked chest pointedly. Spike gave her a guilty smile and turned to fetch a shirt for himself. Fully clothed, he returned to the bed and sat next to her again. Buffy still hadn't spoken, and he wasn't sure what to make of her silence.
Sensing Spike's growing agitation, Buffy decided that she had better say something. "So," she began, her voice strangely devoid of emotion, "what you're saying is that you tried to bite her, and that you would have if the chip hadn't interfered. So really, you *are* just a serial killer in prison. The minute you got your chance, you rushed out to kill someone."
Spike flinched noticeably at her words. "Now, pet, you've got to consider the circumstances. I was brassed off at you and incredibly hurt by what you had said to me. It was rash and stupid, and I know that now. If I had to do it over again, I surely wouldn't."
"Yeah," snorted Buffy, "because it gave you one hell of a headache. What would have happened if the chip hadn't gone off? What if it stopped working for real? You could have killed her. You would have killed her! And it would be my fault for not staking you a long time ago."
At the mention of staking, Spike scooted a little away from the Slayer. He wasn't taking any chances. "Weren't you listening before? I don't think I could have killed her. Even if the chip hadn't gone off, I don't think I could have gone through with it. That's not what I want anymore. Buffy, I don't want to go back to what I was. I honestly don't know if I'm still capable of taking a human life in cold blood anymore."
"Oh yeah?" Buffy sounded doubtful. "And when exactly did you start placing such a high value on human life?"
"When I lost you." Spike's voice was soft, and his eyes were starting to fill with tears again.
"Oh." It was all Buffy could say. She hadn't been prepared for that response.
"Yeah, oh. Buffy, your dying was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I didn't think I could go on, but I had to. I promised you that I'd protect Nibblet, and I was determined to keep that promise. Still, it was bloody well that hardest thing that I ever had to do. Those 147 days were the longest of my entire life and unlife put together. Every night I would dream of you. Every night I saved you. But every day I had to live with the fact that I had failed you. If only I had been a little stronger, or a little more cleaver, you might not of had to jump. But you did, and you were gone, and it was horrible."
Buffy could see the unshed tears glistening in the vampire's blue eyes, and she could hear the genuine emotion in his throaty voice. It made her heart hurt, and she decided to take pity on him and tell him what she should have told him the last time he had given her the "Every Night" speech. "Spike," she reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, "you didn't fail me. I don't believe that, and you shouldn't either. You did the best you could, and that's all I could ever ask. I made the decision to jump, me, and me alone. It had nothing to do with you."
"Yeah, but it still doesn't matter. You still jumped, and you were still just as dead. And I was in so much pain. Everyone was, your kid sis, your Watcher and all your Scooby pals. I looked around me, and all I saw was pain. That's when I decided that I never wanted to be the cause of that pain, to anyone, ever again. I know that I haven't given you much reason to trust me, but I'm telling the truth here. I meant it when I said that when you treat me like a man it makes me want to act like one. But, Buffy, when you treat me like a monster, then I act like one. What am I supposed to do? Either way I lose. I act like a man and you still don't love me, but when I act like a monster, you don't trust me, or, worse yet, you stake me."
Buffy could see the tremendous pain on Spike's face, and her heart went out to him. She reached forward to wrap him in a comforting hug. Spike's arms immediately went around her, and he started to cry in earnest as he buried his head in her hair. Buffy just continued to hug him for all she was worth. God, it really wasn't fair. He was right. What was he supposed to do? Resting her head against his hard shoulder, Buffy came to a decision. She would help him. Maybe, if she could continue treating Spike like a man, then he would continue to act like one. She could talk to the gang and get them to act the same. Maybe, with enough help, he could overcome his demon and turn his back on the whole evil thing. She really wished that she still had Giles to talk to. He would probably have some good insights. Well, there was always Willow, but wait, Willow had her own problems now. Buffy shouldn't be bothering her with Spike's. Damn, she really didn't have anyone to turn to. The tears
crept up without warning and quickly overtook her. Spike's arms tightened around her as Buffy began to cry.
They stayed that way for a long time, vampire and Slayer wrapped in an embrace. This time, there was no passion, just a mutual need for comfort. Buffy was still slightly amazed by the fact that she could feel so safe in Spike's arms. Despite the coolness of his body, there was definite warmth in his embrace. She gave herself over to the feeling of calm that had begun to surround her, and lost herself completely in her ex-mortal enemy's arms.
Spike was the first to stop crying. He was so grateful to Buffy for giving him this small comfort. He knew that she must be confused and angry by his confession about the girl in the alley, but she had not failed to notice his pain. He never ceased to be surprised by the love that lay inside this woman. It was a pity that she took such great pains to protect it. His greatest hope was that one day Buffy would love him the way her loved her, but for now at least, he was content to simply feel her arms around him.
Buffy's tears were coming to an end, and she slowly started to realize how late it must be. She hated to leave, they still had so much to talk about, but she needed to get back to Dawn. Giving Spike one final squeeze, Buffy broke the hug. "Spike, I know how hard it must have been for you to tell me that, and I'm very glad that you did. I know that you're trying to be good, and I promise that I'll do anything I can to help you. There's so much more that we still need to talk about, so many things that I want to say to you, but I need to go now." Seeing that Spike was about to protest, Buffy hurried on. "I don't want to leave you either, but I have to. Dawn's home alone, and I don't know if Willow will be there or what kind of shape she'll be in. You understand, don't you?"
Spike did understand. He didn't like the thought of Nibblet alone with Red either. Of course, that didn't mean that he wouldn't give anything just to have Buffy stay five more minutes. Slowly, he nodded his head and gave the Slayer a weak smile. "It's okay, luv. You should go home to the Little Bit. Maybe we could talk again tomorrow?"
Buffy almost smiled. Spike's voice had a pleading quality to it that she had never imagined she'd hear. "It's a deal. Don't forget, Dawn's coming over, and then we have the Scooby meeting. Maybe afterwards we can find some time to talk. But there will be no mood lighting and no rose petals, okay?" Spike just gave her an embarrassed grin and nodded his head.
"Good." Buffy stood up and began to walk toward the ladder. Just as she was putting her foot on the bottom rung, she felt Spike's hand on her shoulder.
"Slayer, wait."
She turned to face him. "What is it?" Buffy was afraid that she already knew.
"Give us a kiss, luv. Please?"
Buffy's heart melted at the look on his face. She decided that one kiss wouldn't be so bad. "Okay, but just one." She leaned in to brush her lips gently against his. What had started out as an innocent little kiss quickly developed into something more serious. Buffy's arms went around Spike's neck, almost involuntarily, and she felt his arms encircle her waist. He pulled her a little closer as the kiss deepened. It was like no kiss they had ever shared before. This time, there was no anger, no passion, no fighting to establish dominance. There was only gentle searching and quiet longing. Spike's lips were soft on hers, and his tongue gently explored her mouth.
Buffy felt herself becoming overwhelmed by emotion. This was so different than anything she had ever experienced. When she had kissed Angel, she felt like she was going to die. When she had kissed Riley, well, she really hadn't felt much of anything. He had never really penetrated her soul the way Angel had. If she really thought about it, Riley had been the one who was convenient, not Spike, never Spike. Now that she was kissing Spike--a real kiss this time, one filled with tenderness and desire, with understanding and just a touch of sadness--Buffy really couldn't say exactly what she was feeling. All she knew was that she felt alive. It was one of the few times since coming back from the dead that Buffy had felt truly alive. If forced to examine the issue, she would have to admit that the only times she *ever* felt alive were when she was with Spike.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the kiss ended. Spike looked at her with such love in his eyes, that Buffy didn't trust herself to speak. She simply turned away from him and made her way up the ladder and out of the crypt as quickly as possible. She didn't even stop to pick up her discarded jacket and tank top. She was half afraid that Spike would follow her up and didn't want to spend even one second longer than necessary, lest she never leave. It was with a mixture of relief and disappointment that she realized that Spike wasn't following her. Utterly confused by the night's events, the Slayer made her way home.