If Not Wisely

Chapter 10:  The Scooby Meeting

Spoilers:  Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.

Rating:  R for swearing and some sexual situations.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

Feedback:  Would be highly appreciated.  This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Distribution:  So far, just here.  If anyone wants it, just let me know.

Summary:  Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.

A/N:  Sorry for the long delay between chapters.  I've kinda hit a dry patch and have been struggling a bit for inspiration.  Hopefully, I'll be getting back on track and have a new chapter in a couple of days.  Please review and let me know if you like it.  Thanks!

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Tara rushed into the shop fifteen minutes late and slightly flushed from hurrying over from the campus.  The strap of her shoulder bag got caught on the door handle, and she spent several seconds trying to untangle herself.  Feeling like an idiot, and flushing even more from her embarrassment, she looked up to greet the rest of the Scooby Gang.  "Hey guys, sorry I'm late.  My night class ran a bit over and I had to talk to the professor."  Suddenly, she noticed that every single person had turned to look at her.  Tara was extremely uncomfortable being the center of attention, but her discomfort quickly gave way to worry when she notice the tension in the air.  Anya was huffily stomping around behind the counter, putting away the day's receipts, and Xander was sullenly pouting at the research table.  Spike was sitting on the stairs leading to the loft looking surly and playing with his silver Zippo.  Quickly, Tara scanned the rest of the shop and saw Buffy standing by the beaded curtain in the back.  She looked upset.  "What's going on?" she asked nervously.  "Is it Willow?"  Tara was almost afraid to hear the answer.

Buffy heard the concern in Tara's voice and quickly spoke up to alleviate her fears.  "Hey, Tara.  Nothing's wrong.  Willow's fine, or at least the same.  Glad you could make it."

Tara let out a sigh of relief, glad that nothing terrible had happened.  Dawn was instantly on her feet, rushing over to give Tara a hug.  "Dawnie, how are you?  I'm so sorry about your arm.  Does it hurt?"  Tara hugged the girl tightly and breathed in the clean scent of Dawn's hair.

"Tara, it's okay; I'm fine.  It barely hurts at all anymore."  Dawn hugged her even more tightly.  "Oh, it's so good to see you.  I'm so glad you came."

Tara pulled back a little to look at Dawn.  Smiling gently, she tucked a lock of hair behind Dawn's ear.  "I'll always be here for you, Dawnie.  Don't forget that.  I'm glad you're okay."

"Thanks, Tara," Dawn whispered with a shy smile.

The two were still hugging when Xander cleared his throat and spoke up.  "Hey, Tara.  Thanks for coming.  Is everybody ready to start this thing?  I have an early start time tomorrow."

"Oh, sorry," mumbled Tara.  She was slightly flustered at being the one to hold things up.

"Jeez, Xander," said Dawn, taking Tara's hand and leading her over to the table, "impatient much?"

"He's right," said Buffy, walking over to join the rest of the group.  "You need to be in bed by 11:00, missy, and I want to do a quick patrol later.  Let's get this show on the road."

Anya came out from behind the counter and sat down next to Xander.  He scooted his chair slightly away and refused to look at her.  Annoyed by Xander's attitude, Anya momentarily forgot her tact training.  "So, what exactly are we going to do anyway?  Willow is obviously out of control and very dangerous.  She must be stopped.  You know, I once cursed a warlock by binding his powers.  Do you think we could do something like that with Willow?"

Xander groaned and held up his hands as if displaying a game show prize.  "Anya, ladies and gentlemen.  Inappropriate as always!"

"Hey!" shouted Anya.  "I'm just saying what's on my mind.  I'm very worried."

"Be that as it may, you don't go around saying things like that!"  Xander was shouting right back at her.  "Willow is our friend, and we all want to help her, not curse her."

"Don't shout at me, Xander!  I just said what I was thinking."

"Well, Anya, you don't need to share every single little thought that pops into that head of yours.  God, you think you would have learned this by now."

"Okay," Buffy jumped in to break things up, "enough you guys.  Arguing is not going to help.  Anya, thank you for the suggestion, but I don't think that we need to resort to such drastic measures.  Xander, cool it."

"Fine!" said Xander.

"Fine!" said Anya.

"Argh!" groaned Buffy.

"And another thing," said Xander, "I don't want to hear one more word from you on the subject of Spike's arms, eyes or any other body part!"

Spike's head shot up.  "What's that, mate?  Your little demon chit's got a yen for ole Spike?  Well, well, isn't that interesting."  He cocked an eyebrow and leered at Anya.  "Fancy a go then?"

"Shut up, Spike!" shouted Anya, Buffy and Xander simultaneously. 

Spike merely grinned and said, "You just let me know, luv,"

Xander leaped to his feet and turned to glare at Spike.  "Now you listen here, Bleach Boy, there will be no—"

"SHUT UP!" screamed Buffy.  "All of you!  Stop talking, right this minute.  You guys are not helping anything!  I don't want to hear another word from any of you unless it's about helping Willow."  Buffy glared fiercely at everyone, making her message deadly clear.  "Got that?"  The guilty parties mumbled in agreement.  "Good, then let's get down to business.  Willow; how do we help her?"

For the next hour or so, the gang threw out different theories on how to help Willow.  Opinion varied wildly, but there was very little arguing.  Buffy lamely put forth her idea that Willow knew how bad she had gotten and would stop on her own.  Dawn brought up the incident in the kitchen, and pointed out that she didn't think Willow was anywhere close to stopping.  Spike agreed with her, and reasserted his theory about power and his belief that Willow wouldn't give it up willingly.  Xander toyed with the idea that the magic Willow was using was just too powerful for her to control, and Anya continued to insist that she should be stripped of her powers altogether.  Through it all, Tara sat back and said very little.  Mostly, she just listened to the others and sat there looking increasingly more worried.  It wasn't until Xander started comparing Willow's use of magic to a heroin addiction and suggested an intervention that Tara finally spoke up.

"I don't think that's it."  Everyone turned to look at her, surprised to hear that normally shy girl speak so forcefully.  Tara blushed a little, but continued.  "Magic is not a drug, Xander.  It's not like Willow is physically addicted to the spells.  I think it's much more than that.  The problem that I see here is that Willow has strongly tied her sense of self-worth in with her identity as a witch."  Everyone just stared at her blankly.  "I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and it's almost as though Willow needs magic to feel good about herself.  The magic makes her feel special; the power makes her feel special.  I've only known Willow for a couple of years now, and of the two of us she's always been the most confidant, most self-assured.  Sometimes though, I get the feeling that she wasn't always like this, that maybe her increasing power as a witch has also increased her self confidence.  She made a comment once about how she was a total spaz in high school.  I don't know, you guys knew her then, does this make any sense?"

"Yeah," said Xander, "I see what you're saying.  I've known Willow since forever, and she's definitely changed a lot in the past couple of years."

"Yeah," agreed Buffy, "she pretty much admitted to me that she hated the idea of being just plain old Willow.  Tara, she said that you didn't even know that girl.  It was almost like she thought that the only reason you were interested in her in the first place is because she's a witch."

"That's not true!" protested Tara.  "I'm in love with Willow, not her magic."

"We know that, Tara," said Xander, "but I'll bet that Willow isn't totally convinced of it.  Look, she's always had a hard time dealing with the fact that she was kind of a geek in high school.  Back then, she was always so awkward and shy, and kind of bumbling, in a cute way.  It wasn't until she started dating Oz that she gained some confidence and started coming out of her shell more."

"You're right," said Buffy.  "It was like having a boyfriend in a band somehow made her feel cooler of something.  She even used to brag about it sometimes.  Remember how when Oz left she was totally wrecked.  It was almost like she started regressing into her old self."

"Yeah," said Xander, "she told me how she went to that party and ran into Percy.  She was devastated that he still thought of her as a geek."

Tara was still slightly uncomfortable hearing about Willow and Oz, plus it was a little strange hearing about this other Willow that she had never known.  She decided to push the conversation forward.  "So, we've established that Willow used to be less confident, and that she drew her self esteem from external sources, like having a cool boyfriend.  When did she start getting into magic?  Can you think of anything that might have served as a trigger?"

"She started getting into it the summer that I ran away," said Buffy quietly.  She was closely studying the table in front of her so that she wouldn't have to meet anyone's eyes.

"Oh."  Tara knew a little of the story surrounding Buffy's self imposed exile in L.A., and she could tell that Buffy didn't feel comfortable talking about it.  "Why do you think that was?"

"Well," said Xander, shooting a wary glance at Buffy, "I kinda have a theory about that.  When Buffy left, she didn't tell anyone that she was leaving.  We really had no idea what had happened that night at the mansion.  All we knew was that the world hadn't ended.  All summer long, Willow worried about what could have happened.  She didn't know whether the re-souling curse had worked or not.  I kinda think that she felt guilty about it.  Like if she had only been able to curse Angel in time, then the whole thing wouldn't have happened, Giles wouldn't have been tortured, and Buffy wouldn't have run away.  Plus, with Buffy gone, Willow and I had to defend the Hellmouth all by ourselves.  I've always thought that Willow started learning magic because she wanted to feel useful when it came to slaying."

"So, what you're saying is that it's all my fault?"  Buffy's voice was soft, but the pain was evident. 

"Buff, no, that's not what I'm saying at all."  Xander was upset at having caused his friend pain. 

"It's okay, Xander.  I know that I took the coward's way out by running off like that."  Buffy raised her head to look at him.  "I'm really sorry for bailing on you.  I guess I was so busy thinking about my own pain that I didn't stop to consider what I was putting the rest of you guys through.  Can you ever forgive me for being so selfish?"

Xander reached across the table to pat Buffy's hand.  "Buffy, we forgave you a long time ago.  Really, it's over and done with, and you shouldn't waste any time feeling guilty about it now.  I didn't mean to upset you.  I was just saying that I think one of the reasons why Willow took up magic was because she felt like she'd let you down and she wanted to make up for it by becoming better at magic."

Buffy gave him a weak smile and squeezed his hand gently.  "Thanks, Xander.  You're a good friend, and I think you made a good point."

"Yeah, Xander," said Anya, "good point.  Okay, so we've established that Willow decided to become a witch because Buffy abandoned them alone on the Hellmouth."  Xander winced at this, but Anya appeared not to notice.  "So, what else?  How does that help us figure out a way to stop her?"

Tara decided to step in and regain control over the discussion before Anya said anything else inappropriate.  "Well, I just think that if we can figure out why Willow started using magic in the first place, it might help us to understand why she started abusing it.  Anything else you guys can think of?  Do you remember when she started getting more powerful?"

"Faith," said Buffy.

Anya looked at her strangely.  "Huh?  What does religion have to do with it?"

"No," said Buffy, "Faith, as in the other slayer.  When Faith came to town, she and I started spending a lot of time together.  I think that Willow was kinda jealous of that.  You know, Faith and I had the whole Slayer bond going on, and Willow and I just didn't have that.  That's when she started hanging out with Amy and that other guy, the warlock.  What was his name?"  Buffy struggled to remember, but couldn't.  High school seemed like another lifetime.  Actually, it was.  "Oh well, doesn't matter, my point was that she started hanging out with other magically inclined people, and her powers got stronger.  I think maybe she felt left out and just wanted to fit in.  I had another slayer to play with, maybe Willow wanted other witches to play with."

"Good," said Tara, "Buffy, I think that might be important.  Anyone else?"  Tara looked around the room.

Spike, who had been uncharacteristically silent for quite some time, spoke up.  "Last summer."  Everyone turned to look at him.  He cleared his throat and continued.  "When Buffy was gone last summer, Red had to take over control of the Scooby gang.  Since we didn't have the Slayer anymore, someone had to be in charge of patrol.  Willow decided that she was going to be that someone.  All of you were there, you saw what she was like."

"Yeah," said Xander, "Buffy, you weren't around to see it, but it was really kinda freaky how strong she got.  And so fast too."

"He's right," said Anya, "I've been around for a hell of a long time, and rarely have I seen anyone gain that kind of power so quickly.  Plus, once she decided to bring Buffy back, she spent almost all of her time researching and going over spell books."

Buffy was starting to look very uncomfortable, so, once again, Tara spoke up.  "I noticed it too, and I guess I should have done something about it sooner.  Even before that, I was starting to get a little scared at how powerful she was becoming.  I even said something to once, but she just got so upset.  I hated to bring it up again because I didn't want her to be angry with me."

"Is anyone else starting to see a pattern here?" asked Xander.

"It kinda seems like Willow turns to magic when she needs to feel good about herself," Buffy started hesitantly.  "Or maybe when she feels like she has to be useful or in control.  Does that make any sense?"  Several heads bobbed in agreement.  "Also, I've kinda noticed that when she has a setback, if something bad happens to her, then she immediately goes for the magic.  Like when Glory brainsucked you, Tara, or when you…when you…left."  Buffy finished weakly and gave Tara an uneasy smile.

"It's okay, Buffy.  I know that my leaving had a lot to do with Willow's problem.  It's just that I c-couldn't be around her right then, not after what she'd done to me.  She…violated my mind…and…and she betrayed my trust.  It was just too hard to look at her, to see what she had become."  Tara's eyes started to well up with tears, and Dawn reached out to comfort her.

"It's okay, Tara.  You thought that you were doing the right thing.  We know that you didn't mean for any of this to happen."

"Thanks, Dawnie.  I did think I was doing the right thing, at the time.  I thought that maybe if she lost me, she might take a good look at what she was doing and make some changes.  I guess that was just s-stupid."

"No, Tara, it wasn't stupid."  Buffy's heart went out to her, she knew what it was like to lose someone that you cared about.  "You were right to stand up to her.  None of us had the guts to even say anything to her about it.  Maybe if we had said something sooner it wouldn't have gotten this bad."

Spike sighed in frustration and got up from his spot on the stairs.  "People, there is no point in everyone blaming themselves.  Red is responsible for her own actions.  Who's to say that it would've done any good to talk to her sooner?  Let's everyone stop dwelling on the shoulda, coulda , woulda and start tying to find a way to help her now."

"I agree with Spike," said Anya.  "All this talk isn't really solving anything.  Why don't we just find a way to bind her powers and take it from there?"

"Anya!"  Xander's voice was harsh.  "Just…stop."

"Okay, okay," said Buffy, jumping in before another fight could start, "I hate to say it, but Anya and Spike have a point.  We really do need a little less talk and a lot more action.  But, Anya, I still don't think that binding Willow's powers is the way to go.  There must be some other option."

Xander checked his watch.  "Look, it's getting late.  The Dawnster's got school tomorrow, and I have an early start time.  Maybe we should call it a night?  I think we have made some progress.  At least now, we have an understanding of why Willow's magic is so important to her."

"I agree," said Tara.  "It's almost midnight.  Dawnie should be in bed.  Listen, I will try to talk to Willow tomorrow.  Maybe I can make a little headway.  Who knows?  Maybe Buffy's right and she does want to give up magic cold turkey."

"Are you sure you want to do that, Tara?" asked Buffy.  "I know how hard it must be for you to see her."

"It'll be hard, I'm sure, but I just think that she's more likely to listen to me.  She promised me once that she would give up magic, maybe she'll do it again.  Hopefully, she'll be able to stick to it."  Tara didn't sound too sure of herself.

"Okay, as long as you're sure."  Buffy stood up and gave Tara a quick hug.  "Good luck.  I hope it goes better for you than it did for me this morning."  She gave Tara a rueful smile and spontaneously hugged her again.  "Thanks for doing this Tara.  It really means a lot to all of us that Willow gets better soon."

"I know.  It means a lot to me too.  I love her, and I just want the old Willow back."

"We all do," said Buffy.

As everyone was gathering up their stuff and saying their goodbyes, Spike walked over to Buffy.  "So, are we still on for patrol, then?"

Buffy groaned inwardly.  "Spike, I don't have time for any more of your crap right now.  I'm worried about Willow, and, frankly, after that little stunt you pulled earlier, I really don't feel like spending any quality time with you."

"Look, Luv, I'm sorry about before.  I didn't mean to upset you.  I was just taking the piss out of you."

"What?  Gross!"

Spike chuckled.  "Teasing, Luv, I was just teasing you.  Come on now, I promise not to try anything funny.  I'll be a perfect gentleman, I swear."

"Spike, you are not the perfect anything!" snapped Buffy.  "Well, a perfect pain in my ass maybe," she amended.  "And what did I tell you about calling me that?"

"Buffy," Spike lowered his voice to a sexy purr and took a few steps closer to her.  Reaching out to toy with a lock of her hair, he said, "We had such a good day together.  I just want to spend a little more time with you.  Besides, you have to patrol anyway.  It's just patrol, Pet, nothing will happen that you don't want to happen."

Buffy felt the heat rise within her as his nearness started to get to her.  Angrily, she slapped Spike's hand away.  "Please, like you could make something happen if I didn't want it to happen!"

Spike chuckled again.  "Exactly.  So there's no reason for you to stay away, is there?"

Buffy was starting to waver.  They really had had a nice day together, and it might not be so bad to spend some more time with Spike.  Also, she hadn't gotten much done in the way of slaying the past couple of nights, and she really should patrol.  Still, she didn't know if she could trust herself.  "What about Dawn?  I have to take her home."

Spike saw that she was close to giving in, and decided to seize the opportunity.  "Whelp!" he shouted, never taking his eyes off Buffy.   "Can you give Nibblet a ride home?"

Buffy glared at Spike and spoke up.  "Would you mind, Xander?  I really need to do a quick patrol.  I've kinda been slacking lately."

"Sure thing Buff.  I'll make sure she gets home okay.  You ready to go, Dawnmiester?"  As Dawn finished saying goodbye to Tara, Xander looked worriedly between Spike and Buffy.  "You taking Evil Dead with you?"

"Might as well," said Buffy with a shrug.  "He does come in handy sometimes."

Spike smirked at her.  "Aw, Slayer, I'm flattered."

"Whatever," mumbled Xander, "just be careful, okay?"

Spike was about to say something cocky when Dawn came over.  "What's up?  Aren't you coming home, Buffy?"

"No, I'm going to do a quick patrol.  Xander will drive you home.  I want you to go straight to bed, okay?  If you see Willow, don't say anything, just stay out of her way."

Dawn gave Buffy a skeptical look.  "You're going to patrol?  Now?  With Spike?"

"Yes, Dawn," sighed Buffy, "I'm going to patrol.  I'm the Slayer, it's what I do.  Spike is coming with me because he has to go to the cemetery anyway.  That's all.  Any more questions?"

"Nope.  Just don't leave any more clothes in his crypt, okay?"  Dawn raised an eyebrow and smirked at her sister.

Spike laughed out loud, but didn't say anything.  Xander glared at Spike, and Buffy turned bright red.

Dawn turned to Spike.  "Act Two tomorrow?"

"Sure thing, Nibblet.  Just come over after school."

"What's this?" asked Buffy.  "Dawn, you're going over to Spike's again?  When were you planning on asking permission?"

Dawn rolled her eyes.  "God, Buffy, you are such a dictator!  I didn't realize that I needed permission to do my homework."

"Homework?  What are you talking about?" 

"It just so happens, Slayer, that I am helping the Little Bit with her English homework.  Ain't that right, Bit?"  Spike gave Dawn a wink.

"Color me stunned," said Xander sarcastically, "I had no idea that Captain Peroxide even knew how to read."

Spike was not amused.  "Sod off!" he snapped.

Dawn spoke up in his defense.  "Oh, Spike's great with all that English junk.  He totally understands Shakespeare and everything, and he's really helping me with this stupid play I have to read.  You'd be surprised, Xander, he's—"

"Nibblet!" roared Spike.  He was desperate to shut Dawn up before she revealed his deep dark secret to the Whelp.

Dawn looked extremely guilty.  "Right.  Sorry, never mind."

Buffy was a little surprised to hear Dawn's praise for Spike.  She had never figured Spike to be the kind of guy that got off on reading Shakespeare, it just didn't go with the whole Sid Vicious thing that he had going on.  Also, she could hardly believe that Spike would actually help Dawn with her homework.  Well, at least someone was helping her.  Buffy had never been any good at the whole school thing, and Willow was in no condition to be playing teacher.  She decided that this might actually turn out to be a good thing.  Dawn's grades were already raising eyebrows over at Social Services, so a little help couldn't hurt.  "Okay, Dawn, you can go over to Spike's after school and work on your homework, but I don't want you hanging around all night watching TV, okay?  I want you home in time for dinner, and if it's dark before you're finished, have Spike walk you home."

Dawn rolled her eyes again.  "Yes, Master."  She turned to give Spike a quick hug.  "Thanks for hanging out with me today, Spike.  I had the best time."

"My pleasure, Nibblet.  See you tomorrow," he said returning her hug.  His eyes met Buffy's over the top of Dawn's head, and Spike saw that she had a strange, almost wistful, smile on her face.  Letting go of Dawn, he said, "Ready to go, Slayer?"

"Yeah, Spike, let's go."  Buffy turned to look at Xander.  "Thanks for taking Dawn home.  Um," she lowered her voice a bit, "no hard feeling about before?"

Xander had almost forgotten that he was supposed to be mad at Buffy for what she had said about Anya.  Oh well, no sense dwelling on it. With this whole Willow situation going on, the rest of the group had to stick together.  "Don't worry about it, Buff.  No harm done."

Buffy smiled with relief.  "Thanks, Xan.  Okay, we're out of here.  Come on, Spike."