If Not Wisely
Chapter 11: The Patrol
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.
A/N: Here's the new chapter! Thanks to everyone who left reviews. I stole an actual line for the show in this one, and I'm sure that most of you will be able to spot it. Sorry about that, but I just couldn't resist. It fit in too perfectly, and I've always thought that it suited Spike much better than Captain Cardboard. Please review and let me know if you like it. Thanks!
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Buffy and Spike patrolled the cemetery in an awkward silence. Neither knew exactly what to say to the other. Spike was thinking about the argument they'd had in the training room. He'd had some time to clam down during the meeting, and he'd decided that Buffy had enough on her plate. He was loath to make things worse for her by harping on the status of their relationship. Still, he hated being her dirty little secret, and he hated knowing that she thought him to be beneath her. Most of all, he hated the fact that one little word or look from the Slayer had the power to hurt him so much. He wondered if he should bring it up again, let her know how much it bothered him.
Spike stole a sideways glance at Buffy and saw that she appeared to be lost in thought. She looked so cute, with her brow furrowed in concentration, that Spike hated to start another fight. No matter how much he wanted to, or how much she deserved it, Spike could never manage to stay mad at Buffy for long. He had all the time in the world to make her love him, and there was no sense in pushing too hard. It was obvious that Buffy wasn't ready to face her feelings, and confronting her only seemed to make things worse. Pushing his hurt feelings aside, Spike decided to subtly remind her of the fact that she had been half-naked in his crypt the night before. Maybe he'd wind up getting lucky again, who knew?
"So, Slayer, am I ever going to get my T-shirt back? I only have the few, you know."
"Your shirt?" Buffy looked a little guilty. She hadn't been planning on giving it back to him; she liked the comfort of falling asleep surrounded by his scent. "Um, yeah, I was going to give it to you. I just sorta forgot. Of course you'll get it back. I mean, why wouldn't you?" He was looking at her strangely. "Come on, it's not like I want to keep your stinky old shirt or anything! Besides, you don't exactly have the most extensive wardrobe in the world, and you need it much more than I do. Um, not that I need it or anything, 'cause I don't. Really, I don't even want the stupid thing." Buffy knew that she was babbling, but she couldn't help it. Sometimes, he just made her so nervous, and it was almost like he knew what she was thinking.
Spike chuckled. It sounded to him like Buffy didn't want to give the shirt back to him. He had briefly considered keeping her clothing as well, it smelled like her, but had decided that it would just make her angry. Plus, he'd really enjoyed making a big production out of giving them back to her in front of the whole group. "So, is that a yes, then?"
"Of course it's a yes!" snapped Buffy. "Just let me wash it for you first, okay?" She was trying to stall for time, in hopes that she might be able to keep it a couple of more days.
"No!" said Spike, a little too forcefully and a little too quickly. The last thing that he wanted was for her to wash the Buffy scent out of it. "No, luv, that's okay. You don't need to go through all that trouble."
"Oh. Okay then. Well, I guess I'll just give it back to you the next time I see you then." Buffy was disappointed. She hadn't really wanted to wash it either, but now she had no reason to keep it just a little bit longer.
Spike could see her disappointment, and it made his hopes surge just a bit. Dawn had told him how Buffy had slept in his T-shirt, maybe she wanted to keep it. He had no problem with that, and he liked the idea that some little part of him was in bed with the Slayer every night. He stopped walking, grabbed Buffy's arm and turned her to face him. Keeping a hold of her arm, he leaned in close and spoke softly. "Luv, if you wanna keep it, you can. I can always nick another, it's no big deal."
"Why would I wanna keep it?" asked Buffy. She was flustered, both by his nearness and the topic at hand.
"Oh, I dunno, luv." Spike kept his voice as low and sexy as possible. "Just thought maybe you might wanna…sleep in it or something."
Buffy yanked her arm out of his grasp, her face flushed with embarrassment. Was he reading her mind? How could he know that? Dawn. Oh, that girl was going to get it. "Did, uh, Dawn say something to you?" she asked nervously.
"About what, luv?" Spike tried to look as innocent as possible.
Buffy wasn't buying it. "Look, whatever Dawn told you, I'm sure she exaggerated. I may have slept in your shirt the other night, but it was only because I was too tired to bother changing clothes. So, so, don't go getting any big ideas, mister!" She poked him forcefully in the chest to make her point.
Spike just laughed at that. "Okay, luv, I believe you. No need to resort to violence; it was just a thought."
"Well, it was a stupid thought. You can have your damn shirt back, 'cause I don't want it! I was just tired is all, and, and, it's not like it means anything. Okay? So, just get off my back about the stupid shirt! I didn't even like it anyway. It totally reeks! It smells like, like…you!"
Spike was still laughing at her. Why did she let him get to her like this? And why did he find the whole situation so funny? She narrowed her eyes at him. "What else did Dawn tell you? What is she saying about me?"
Spike stopped laughing. He didn't want Buffy to get brassed off at little sis. "Nothing, luv, she didn't say anything about you at all. Mostly we just concentrated on her homework."
"You're really helping her with her homework?"
"Is that so surprising? Just because I'm evil, doesn't mean that I'm stupid."
"Oh, I know that you're not stupid," said Buffy. "It's just that I never pictured you as the type, is all."
Spike smirked at her. "Well, it looks like you don't know me quite as well as you thought you did."
"Let's just say that you never cease to surprise me. So, what play is she reading, anyway?"
"Romeo and Juliet."
"Oh, I remember that one!" Buffy grinned up at him. "I think that's required reading for every Freshman in the country. So, how's she doing? Does she like it?"
"She's doing great," said Spike. "She was a little put off by the language at first, but once she got past that and started concentrating on the story, she really started to get into it." He gave a little laugh, remembering. "Bit even said that it reminded her of us."
"Who? You and me?" Spike nodded. "Why would it remind her of us?"
"Oh, you know, 'My only love sprung from my only hate,' and all that."
"What?" shrieked Buffy. "Spike, I don't love you."
"I know," said Spike softly. He did know, but it still hurt to hear her say it.
Buffy felt a little sorry for him. He looked so sad, and she could tell that she had hurt him. She reached out and put a hand on his arm. "Look, I don't love you, but I don't hate you either, not anymore."
Spike met her eyes. Now seemed like as good of time as any. "Buffy, what am I to you?"
That was a question to which Buffy had no answer. "I don't know Spike," she said truthfully. "That's what I'm trying to figure out. All I know is that you're not my enemy anymore, and I kinda like talking to you." She saw Spike's eyes light up at that and quickly added, "Sometimes, when you're not being totally annoying. I've got to tell ya, you've really got that annoying bit down pat." They both laughed a little, then Buffy turned serious. "Ever since I've been back, you've been—"
Buffy words were cut off by a high-pitched female scream. Without another thought, they both took off running through the cemetery. About a hundred yards from Spike's crypt, they saw a large, scaly demon with a horn set in the middle of his forehead, and what looked to be a fledgling vampire fighting over a young girl. The girl, who didn't look much older than Dawn, was absolutely terrified, and each of her attackers had a hold of one of her arms. It looked to Buffy like they were fighting over the wishbone from the Thanksgiving turkey. "All right," she shouted to Spike, "you get fangy, and I'll get horny!" Spike raised an eyebrow at her, and Buffy realized how bad that had sounded. "You know what I mean!"
Buffy pulled a stake out of her jacket pocket and tossed it to Spike, who caught it on the run. Taking a flying leap, she launched herself at Mr. Horny, who immediately lost its grip on the girl. They both hit the ground hard, with Buffy on top. Immediately, she began pummeling its head with alternating right and left punches. Before she could do much damage, the demon managed to buck her off. With a cry of surprise, she flew through the air and crashed against tombstone.
Buffy struggled to her feet in a daze. How the hell had that happened? She hadn't figured the demon for much of a fighter, after all, it had been playing tug of war with a fledgling. She was still trying to get her bearings when she heard Spike call out her name. Spinning quickly toward the sound of his voice, Buffy saw that the demon was advancing on her rapidly. She dropped into a fighting stance and prepared for the attack. When it came within striking distance, she launched a series of kicks in its direction. She was once again surprised to find that it had barely been affected by her assault. Buffy was seriously starting to regret her decision to take on Mr. Horny.
After a brief struggle, far too brief for his taste, Spike managed to stake his vamp. He immediately turned to where the girl lay crumpled on the ground, sobbing hysterically. He crouched down to get a look at her. "You okay, pet?"
The girl lifted her head to see who had helped her and let out a scream of pure terror. She immediately began scrambling backwards on her bottom, trying to get away. Her feet were slipping on the dewy grass, and she couldn't manage to find her feet. "Please don't hurt me," she whimpered.
Spike was surprised by her reaction. "Hurt you? Bloody Hell, I just saved your life!"
The girl did not stop her crying. "But, but, you're…you're…" She was sobbing so hard that she couldn't even get the words out.
"Oh," Spike had finally figured out what the problem was. He had slipped into game face during the fight without even realizing it. Quickly, he shook off his demonic visage. "It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you. You'd best get out of here now. It's not safe for a little thing like you to be out her at night. Go on, run, as fast as you can." The girl finally managed to get to her feet and took off running at top speed. Spike heaved a sigh and turned to see if Buffy needed any help.
Buffy did need help. The demon was kicking the crap out of her. Spike turned just in time to see her being hurled into the side of a mausoleum. He was about to tackle the demon from behind when he realized exactly what kind of demon they were dealing with. Bloody hell, it was sodding Yothnan. The only way to kill those buggers was to cut of their heads. A quick glance at the Slayer's tight jeans told him that she didn't have any weapons hidden on her. Looked like it was up to Spike.
Buffy was back on her feet and admirably blocking most of the demon's attacks. Her counter-attacks, however, were none too successful, and she had taken a few more hits that she would've liked. She turned her head to see Spike standing there, apparently doing nothing. "Spike," she screamed, "a little help here?"
"I'm on it!" Spike shouted back to her, and he took of running in the other direction.
"What the hell!" Buffy dodged another blow from the demon and lashed out to kick it solidly in what she hoped was a kneecap. "Where are you going?" Once again, the demon seemed impervious, and she was back to evading its powerful fists and wondering where the hell Spike had gone. "Stupid vampire," she muttered under her breath as the demon pinned her against the mausoleum. Buffy put the force of her anger towards Spike into a headbutt and managed to knock the creature to the ground. "I'm gonna stake his ass," she grumbled as she fell upon the demon and began banging its head into the ground.
Spike was busy rummaging around in his crypt looking for something to cut the demon's head off with. He finally came up with an old, tarnished battle axe. He picked it up, testing its weight. "This should work," he said out loud as he took of running back into the cemetery. He arrived on the scene to see Buffy straddling the demon and pounding its head repeatedly into the ground, all the while muttering about stupid, unreliable vampires. He smiled to herself and called out her name.
At the sound of his voice, Buffy looked up, and the demon used the opportunity to throw her off. She struggled to her feet and began warding off another attack. Spike grabbed the demon from behind, and Buffy had a chance to catch her breath. "Where the hell have you been?" she hissed.
The demon was flailing wildly, and Spike was having a hard time hanging on. "Brought you something," he said and tossed her the axe.
"Thank God!" Buffy caught the axe and immediately advanced on the demon. "Hold him still," she demanded while winding up to take a swing.
"The head!" shouted Spike. "You have to cut off the head." He was very close to losing his grip on the monster.
"Well, let him go so that I can do it!" Buffy started circling the pair, trying to find the best angle for taking off the head.
Spike suddenly released his hold of the struggling demon, and it stumbled forward under the force of its own momentum. Buffy was waiting with the axe. With a loud grunt, she brought the axe down and chopped its head off in one smooth motion. The decapitated body crumpled to the ground in front of her, as the head landed a few feet away. She stood over the body for a minute to make sure that it was really dead. To her surprise, it began to melt away right in front of her. In a few short seconds, there was noting left. Buffy looked around for the head, but found that it had vanished as well. Lowering the axe, she turned to Spike, "What the hell was that?"
"That, luv, was a Yothnan Demon. Tough little buggers. The only way to kill 'em is to cut off the head. That's why I ran to get the axe. You didn't think I'd just abandon you?"
Spike was panting. Buffy didn't know why he panted when he didn't need to breathe, but she thought it was kinda cute. In fact, he was kinda cute, standing there with his hair all mussed and his duster slightly askew. Without a word, she dropped the axe and ran to him, shoving him forcefully against a nearby tree.
"Hey, watch it! There could've been a branch!" protested Spike.
Buffy cut off his protests with her lips, which she immediately crushed against his. Surprised by the suddenness of her assault, Spike took a few seconds to react. When he finally realized that Buffy wasn't trying to kill him, his arms immediately went around her waist, and he pulled her tightly against him. They stood against the tree kissing wildly for several minutes before Spike broke off. Buffy was panting heavily and had a slight glazed look in her eyes. "What's this?" asked Spike. He really hadn't been expecting Buffy to throw herself at him.
Buffy shrugged. "It was a good fight," she said, before pulling his head back down for another kiss.
Spike decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth.
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Four hours later, Buffy awoke with a start. She had been dreaming about being in her coffin again. She sat up quickly and tried to get her bearings. It was dark where she was. The air was damp and smelled like earth. She panicked for a moment, thinking that she might actually be underground again, before she realized that she was in Spike's crypt. Oh God, they'd had sex again. She clutched the bed sheets tightly around her naked body and looked over at Spike. He was sound asleep, and he had the strangest look of contentment on his face. She smiled softly at the sight of him. He should be content, after the hours of fabulous sex they'd just had. There were long, red scratches on his chest, and bruises were starting to form on his upper arms. Buffy looked down at her own wrists, which were red and chaffed. She began rubbing them absently. What on earth had possessed her to trust Spike with handcuffs? He could have killed her, and a couple of years ago, he would have. She should be dead, but she wasn't.
That thought only brought more panic. Buffy wondered if that was the reason she was sleeping with Spike in the first place. Did she somehow, subconsciously, want him to kill her? He could actually kill her now. The chip didn't work on her anymore. She'd come back wrong. For almost a week now, Buffy hadn't allowed herself to think about it, but Spike's words had haunted her. She was wrong.
It was funny that she hadn't really been all that surprised to find out that something was wrong. Ever since she'd come back to life, Buffy had felt like something was off, something was missing. She'd felt so disconnected from her friends, and it was almost like she'd completely lost touch with her emotions. Her body may have been alive, but she still felt dead inside. Most days, she just wanted to go back, away from this cold, hard world and back to the warm, safe place where she had spent 147 days in complete and utter happiness.
Maybe that was why she was with Spike. Maybe she was just hoping that he would kill her, and she'd get a free pass back to heaven. It wasn't until she had realized that Spike could actually hurt her that Buffy had allowed herself to have sex with him. She had certainly thought about it before, but she'd never done anything about it until after he had become a real threat to her. She had to wonder at the timing. There she'd been, wishing for a way to get out of this hell called life, and Spike had shown up with the answer to her prayers. God, that was just too messed up, too twisted, even for her.
Okay, so maybe she hadn't been exactly high on life, and maybe she sometimes found herself wishing that she had just stayed dead, that didn't mean that she was actively looking for ways to die. Besides, the only time she ever felt alive anymore was when she was with Spike. If she really wanted to die that badly, why would she constantly seek out the one thing that made her feel like living? Why was it that that one thing happened to be an evil, soulless vampire? Buffy decided to chalk it up to coming back wrong. It only made sense that, since she was wrong, her feelings would be wrong as well. That explained why she would rather be with her former mortal enemy than with her best friend of over five years. She was wrong, and this whole thing with Spike was wrong, too. Then why did it feel so right?
Memories of the past few hours came flooding back to her. The first couple of times had been fast and hard, with lots of biting, clawing and scratching. They had been animalistic, almost primal, in their need for each other. After the adrenaline from the fight had worn off, they had settled down and taken their time. It had been almost sweet, and a little too close to making love for Buffy's comfort. She remembered Spike looking straight into her eyes and telling her that he loved her. She had turned away from him and said nothing in return. It had been too much for her. She couldn't handle tender, gentle sex followed by declarations of love. She didn't love him; she couldn't love him. In fact, Buffy didn't think she could ever love anyone again. Love was just too painful. This whole thing was supposed to be just sex. It wasn't her fault that Spike thought he was in love with her. Sex was all that she could offer him right now.
After the third time, when Buffy had still been hungry for more, Spike had teased her, saying, "I guess it's true, then. I get fangy, and you get horny." At the time, Buffy had just laughed along right along and proceeded to have her way with him. Now, though, that statement was starting to nag at her. Had it been true what he'd said that morning in the fallen-down house? Was she just a groupie? Did vampires get her hot? Maybe she just had some sort of sick vampire fetish? She'd never really enjoyed sex with Riley all that much. He'd just been too gentle and restrained, and she'd always felt like she had to hold back a little with him. Sex with Spike was amazing, mind-blowing, even. He never held anything back. Spike fucked like he fought; with abandon, all out, balls to the wall, nothing but passion and fire. The act of sex seemed to consume him whole, and Buffy loved every minute of it. There must be something wrong with her. She could only get off while screwing the undead.
Buffy decided that she had tortured herself enough for one night. It was time to get the hell out of there before Spike woke up and made her want to stay. Buffy got up from the bed as quietly as possible and started rooting around in the dark for her clothes. She wasn't surprised to find them scattered all over the room. They'd barely made it to the bed as it was. She searched out the hastily discarded garments as quickly as possible and began to get dressed. She was just tying her shoes when Spike stirred awake.
"Leaving so soon, luv?"
The sound of his voice startled Buffy, making her jump and give a little shriek. Her heart pounding, she turned to face him. "Spike, I have to go."
"Don't you think we oughta talk about what just happened here?"
Buffy sighed. What was it with him and talking? Men weren't supposed to go in for all that talking crap. "There's nothing to talk about, Spike. We had sex. That's all it was, just sex."
Now it was Spike's turn to sigh. "Come on, luv. You know there's more to it than that. Why won't you admit it?"
"There's nothing to admit. I was pumped up from the fight; you were there; we had sex. End of story. Now, I really need to go. I have to get home before Dawn wakes up."
"Luv—"
"No, Spike. I don't wanna hear it. It was wrong, and it shouldn't have happened. We both know that. I'm just starting to deal with being your friend, and this is only going to screw things up. I'm sorry, okay, but I just can't deal with this now. I have to go."
"Okay, luv. Do what you have to do. If you wanna talk about it later, then you know where to find me." Spike decided that it wasn't worth getting into another argument. They'd had a good night together, and he didn't want it to end on a sour note.
"Thanks," said Buffy quietly. She was a little surprised that Spike had decided to let it go so easily. "Um, and thank you for your help tonight. With the demon."
"Any time. Goodnight, Buffy." Spike longed to tell her that her loved her, and that he would do anything to keep her safe, but he didn't think that it would go over too well. She was obviously bothered over what had happened, and he didn't want to make it any worse.
"Goodnight, Spike," Buffy said as she turned and climbed up the ladder.