If Not Wisely
Chapter 13: The Bills and the Bickering.
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.
A/N: Thanks to everyone who left reviews! It actually made me write this next part faster. There's a lot of screaming and crying in this chapter, so it might not be the most pleasant to read, but it gets us where we need to go. Please review and let me know if you like it. Thanks!
*********************************************************************************************
Buffy awoke the next morning extremely tired and cranky. She would've loved to bury her head in a pillow and sleep for another five of six hours, but she had to make sure that Dawn got off to school okay. It really didn't make sense to her why a fifteen year old needed her big sister to wake her up. When Buffy had been Dawn's age, she'd been out slaying every night almost until dawn, and she'd managed to get herself up for school. Still, Buffy felt like it was part of her surrogate-mom duties to make sure that Dawn had breakfast everyday and to send her off to school with a smile. It helped to alleviate some of the guilt that came from knowing that she really hadn't been much of a mother to her sister.
She managed to get Dawn off to school with a minimum of trouble, but not before Dawn grilled her about patrolling with Spike the night before and managed to con five more dollars worth of lunch money. Buffy tried to play it as cool as possible where Spike was concerned and handed over the money pretty much as a last-ditch effort to shut her sister up. Damn Spike for putting ideas in her head. He should've just denied the whole thing, then maybe Buffy wouldn't have Harriet the Spy poking around in her sex life. Speaking of which, it was definitely long past time to put an end to the Spike sex. If Dawn was already this close to figuring the whole thing out, then the rest of the gang couldn't be that far behind.
Buffy had been planning on going back to sleep after Dawn left, but the sight of a big stack of unopened bills on the kitchen counter had put a stop to that idea. The five dollars she'd given to Dawn had been the last of her cash, and she hadn't so much as glanced at her bills in almost a month now. The money from Giles was almost gone, and Buffy knew that she was heading into some serious debt. She really couldn't afford to put it off any longer; the financial situation must be dealt with. After pouring herself a second cup of coffee, Buffy gathered all the bills, the checkbook and the most recent bank statement. Sitting down at the island, she began sorting through the mess she'd gotten herself into.
Just when Buffy was deciding the she was probably going to cancel the cable, Willow walked in. She felt herself involuntarily tense up at the sight of her, but managed to put on a smile. "Hey, Will," she called cheerfully, at least she hoped it sounded cheerful. Cheerful was probably the farthest thing from what Buffy was feeling right then.
"Hey, Buffy." Willow looked a little better than she had the day before, but she was still a far cry from her old self. She went over and poured herself a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter to drink it. "Whatcha doin'?"
"Oh," Buffy looked up with a grimace, "I'm just calculating the extent of my debt. Big fun at the House of Buffy."
"Want me to help?" asked Willow brightly. "I could, I dunno, maybe do a little spell? Maybe add a few zeros to that bank balance?"
"Willow, no!" Buffy couldn't believe that Willow was so casually mentioning magic. "I thought that…I mean, you said that…no, really, that's not necessary."
Willow laughed. "Buff, relax, I'm just kidding. It was a joke. You know, ha ha?"
"Oh…right." Buffy gave her friend an embarrassed grin. "Of course it's a joke. Not that it isn't a little bit tempting, though. Say the magic word, and the bills go poof. If only it were that easy."
Willow frowned. "How bad is it? I mean, I thought Giles kinda bailed you out with that whopper of a check?"
"Yeah, well, Giles helped a lot, but most of the money that he gave me is gone already. I took care of all the really big stuff first, but it used up a large chunk of the money. And the bills, they just keep a comin'."
"Jeez, Buff, that sucks. What are you going to do?"
Buffy bristled a bit at Willow's question. It irked her that she had said "you" instead of "we." After all, she was living in Buffy's house rent-free. Willow didn't chip in for utilities, and she rarely ever bought food, or toothpaste or toilet paper. Still, Buffy didn't feel comfortable calling her on it. After all, Willow had pretty much given up her own life to move in and take care of Dawn after Buffy had died. She didn't want to seem ungrateful by asking her friend to pay rent. Maybe, if Willow realized how bad the situation really was, she might offer to chip in.
"I don't know, Willow," she said with a sigh. "I don't think I can't stretch Giles' money much further, and Dad's child support payments aren't exactly what you would call regular."
Willow was rooting around in a cabinet looking for something to eat. She really hoped that Buffy would go grocery shopping soon; there was hardly any food left. "Why don't you call your dad and ask him for more money?" she asked over her shoulder.
"I probably should, but I'm kinda afraid to. If he finds out exactly how bad things are, he might try to take Dawn away. I can't afford to risk it."
"Yeah, well, you can't afford to have the bank foreclose on the house, either."
Buffy felt her anger rise again. Couldn't Willow see that she should at least offer to help? How could she expect to keep living there without contributing in any way? When had her best friend become such a free-loader?
Try as she might, Buffy couldn't keep the hostility out of her voice when she replied. "I know that Willow! I guess I'll just have to take care of it by myself. I'll get a job, although what kind of job, I have no idea. It's not like I'm trained for anything. Except slaying, that is. It's going to be hard, trying to work and slay. Someone's going to have to be here to look after Dawn."
"Don't worry, I can look after Dawn. That's no problem."
Buffy almost laughed at that. "Thanks, Willow, but I don't know if that's such a good idea. You're not exactly number one on Dawn's list of favorite people right now."
"Oh." Willow's face fell. "She's still mad at me, huh? I would've thought she'd be over that by now."
"You can't be serious! Willow, you almost got her killed! That's not something you get over in a couple of days."
The words were harsh, and they cut Willow to the core. She had almost killed Dawnie. God, what was she turning into? "You're right. I know, and I'm sorry. I don't think I can ever be sorry enough. It's just that I didn't mean for anything to happen to her, I really didn't. You know that I would never hurt Dawnie on purpose. I was out of control; I couldn't stop myself. I just wish that everyone could understand." Willow was fighting back tears.
Buffy was a little taken aback by the sudden change in Willow's demeanor. "I am trying to understand. We all are. But you're not exactly making it easy by refusing to talk about it, or by getting angry when I try to bring it up. Willow, you're heading into dangerous territory, and we all just want to help you."
"I'm sorry that I freaked out on you yesterday. I didn't mean to. It was almost like I didn't have any control over what I was saying. Buffy, you don't know how hard this is." Willow's stopped when her brain finally processed the full extent of Buffy's earlier statement. "Wait. What do you mean 'we all?' Did you tell everyone what happened?"
"Well, yeah. It's not like we could keep it a secret. Dawn's got a broken arm, for Christ's sake, they were gonna see it eventually."
"Oh God," wailed Willow. "They must all hate me!"
"No, you're missing the point. Nobody hates you. We all love you, and we want to help you."
"And Tara? Did you tell Tara, too?"
"Yes, we told Tara. She needed to know, Will."
"How could you?" Willow was crying in earnest now. "Buffy, she'll never forgive me! I'll never get her back now. Why are you doing this to me?"
"We just want to help, and Tara will forgive you. She loves you, and she just wants you to get better. She was very worried about you last night, everyone was. No one is mad at you, except maybe Dawn, but she'll get over it." Buffy got up and walked over to Willow, who was still sobbing uncontrollably. She reached out to comfort her, but Willow shrugged her off.
"So, what," she spat bitterly, "you're all talking behind my back now? What, did you call a Scooby meeting or something? Am I the new big bad? Are you all afraid of me or something?"
"Willow!" Buffy cried in exasperation. "You're not listening to me! No one thinks you're the big bad. We're not afraid of you, we're worried about you. Can't you see that?"
"No!" shouted Willow. "All I see is you guys ganging up on me! What's next, an intervention? Have you been checking out Detox centers? Or do you just think I should join a twelve step program? Maybe there's a Spell Casters Anonymous." She gave a bitter laugh. "Am I on the right track here?"
Buffy found herself slowly backing away from her friend, just waiting for her eyes to go black. "No, it's not like that. You've got it all wrong."
"Oh, right, I forgot. You all love me, and you're all so worried about me. Right? Well, I don't need your fucking help, because I'm just fine."
"You're not fine, and you know it! Stop being so stubborn and let your friends help you. You can't do this all on your own."
Willow laughed again. "Right, because you've got the patent on stubbornness! Only the almighty Buffy can handle every situation on her own! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black."
"I don't know what you're talking about," said Buffy.
"Come on! Ever since you got back, you've totally closed yourself off from the rest of us. You're so cold and detached, even with Dawn, and you won't talk to anybody. It's like you don't even want to live anymore!"
That did it. Buffy snapped. All of the anger and resentment that she'd been feeling toward Willow came rushing to the surface, and she couldn't hold it back any longer. "Fuck you, Willow! You pulled me out of heaven! I was finally at peace; I was finally done, and I was happy, damn it! But you had to go and ruin it for me, you just had to pull me back into this hell. You were so selfish, Willow! You never thought about what was best for me! You only thought about yourself, and that's all you ever think about!"
"You bitch!" screamed Willow. "I thought you were in hell! I was trying to save you."
"That bullshit, and you know it! How could I have been in hell? You saw my body, Willow; you buried it. Why would my soul go to hell? How could you even think that? That was just a convenient excuse that you made up to convince the others to help you. You weren't trying to save me! You just wanted me back so that things would be easier for you." Buffy's face was flushed with anger, and she could feel the tears starting to fall. "You were wrong. What you did was wrong! Why can't you admit that?"
"Oh my God." Willow's words were barely more than a whisper. Her knees suddenly felt weak, and she actually began to feel like she might vomit. Every word that Buffy had said was true. She had been selfish. "Buffy, I am so sorry. I was wrong. No wonder you hate me so much. I never should've done it." She started crying again. "Will you ever be able to forgive me? I've done so much damage that I wouldn't blame you if you never did."
"Oh, Willow." Buffy's anger was gone, and she felt truly awful for what she had said. She reached out and wrapped her friend in a tight hug. "I don't hate you, Willow. I could never hate you. I'm sorry that I said all that. It's just hard sometimes, and I feel like I need someone to blame. It's not your fault; you did what you thought was best."
"No, no, no," sobbed Willow. "I messed up. I messed everything up. How can this be my life? I don't even know who I am anymore. This isn't me. I don't wanna be like this!"
"Shh, it'll be okay." Buffy hugged her friend even tighter. "I promise, Willow, it will be okay." Willow just sobbed even harder. "You're my best friend, Will. I love you, and I'm gonna be here for you."
It took several more minutes before Willow's tears came to an end. When she had finally stopped sobbing, she raised her tear-stained face from Buffy's shoulder. "I don't deserve you. Not after what I did. How can you even stand to look at me?"
"Hey," Buffy's voice was firm, "I don't wanna hear that crap. You deserve all the love and support that you've got coming, and not just from me, either. The whole gang. We'll all be there for you. Got it?"
"Yeah," sniffed Willow. She let go of Buffy to grab a paper towel off the counter and blew her nose noisily. "Thanks," she said with a small smile.
Before Buffy could tell Willow how welcome she was, the doorbell rang. "I'll get it," said Buffy. "Why don't you go get cleaned up? Splash a little water on your face. You'll feel better."
Willow quickly hurried upstairs, and Buffy went to answer the door. She could've died when she opened it and saw Tara standing there. "Tara! What are you doing here? Did we have plans or something?"
"Hey, Buffy." Tara gave her a bright smile. "No, we didn't have plans. I just thought that maybe I could have that little talk with Willow. You know, before she goes to class. Is this a bad time?"
"Oh, God." Buffy had totally forgotten that Tara had been planning on talking to Willow that day. "Uh, you'd better come in." She moved aside to let Tara pass.
"W-what's the matter? Did something happen?" The look of absolute horror on Buffy's face was making Tara decidedly nervous.
"Shh, she's upstairs." Buffy took Tara's arm and started leading her toward the kitchen. "Come on, let's go in the kitchen, and I'll tell you all about it. You want some coffee?"
"No, thanks." Tara walked into the kitchen and sat down at the island, waiting for the worst. "What is it? Tell me."
Buffy sighed and went to get herself a fresh cup of coffee. "Don't worry, it's not that bad. Willow and I had a big fight is all. Tara, I am so worried about her. She's really messed."
"What did you fight about?"
"It's more like, what didn't we fight about. Everything." Buffy sat down next to Tara and gave a quick replay of her argument with Willow. Tara gasped when she got to the part about her resurrection. "I know, I was totally out of line. I never should have said it, especially not now."
"Buffy, I had no idea you felt that way. I am so sorry we did that to you. You have every right to be angry." Tara looked like she was about to cry.
"No, Tara, that isn't the point here. Really, it isn't even that bad anymore. I was just upset and let my emotions get the better of me. I'm supposed to be trying to help Willow, and instead I lay all my crap on her. It wasn't fair."
Tara gave Buffy's shoulder a comforting squeeze. "Still, it's understandable. So, how did she react?"
"She totally fell apart. It was awful. You should've seen her." Buffy winced at the memory. "She totally hates herself, and she's afraid that rest of us are going to hate her as well."
"I know it sounds bad, and I'm sure it was, but maybe it could end up being a good thing." Off Buffy's look of confusion, Tara continued. "Look, if it's gotten to the point where Willow hates herself that much, then maybe that will be a catalyst for change."
"You have a point. It's kinda like she hit rock bottom. There's nowhere to go but up."
"Right." Tara smiled. "Maybe I should try to talk to her now."
"I dunno. She's really upset right now. She might not want to listen to you."
"Yeah, she might not, but she might not be feeling strong enough to fight back either," reasoned Tara. "If her spirit is really that broken, then maybe she'll have no choice but to listen."
"Well, I guess that logic is as good as any." Buffy gave a rueful laugh. "I obviously have no clue how to deal with her. Maybe you'll have better luck. I'll go call her."
Buffy went to the foot of the stairs and called up to Willow. "Willow, Tara's here to see you! Do you wanna come down, or should I send her up?" There was no answer. "Willow!" Buffy called again. Still no answer. Shaking her head, Buffy went upstairs. The door to Willow's room was closed, so Buffy knocked quietly. "Will, Tara's downstairs. You wanna talk to her?" Willow still did not answer, so Buffy knocked again. "Come on, Will, I think you should talk to her. It might be good for you. She's not mad." Buffy tried the doorknob, but it would not turn. "Willow! Open up, you're scaring me! Will?"
Tara heard Buffy calling to Willow and decided to go and see what was happening. "Buffy? What's going on?"
"She won't come out, Tara. She won't even answer me. The door won't open, and I'm starting to get worried."
"Let me try." Tara walked up and leaned her ear against the door. "Willow, it's me, baby. I came to see how you're doing. Will you please let me in?"
"Go away!" screamed Willow from inside her bedroom.
"Will, I just want to see you and make sure you're okay," pleaded Tara.
"Go away! I don't want you to see me like this!"
"Just let me in." Tara tried the doorknob, and it still wouldn't budge. She turned to Buffy. "The door won't open."
"Should I force it?" asked Buffy.
"No, wait." Tara placed her palm against the door and concentrated for a moment. "Buffy," she whispered, "she put up a barrier spell."
"Oh my God." Buffy's face immediately drained of color. "Magic? She promised no more magic. Can you get it down?"
Tara shook her head. "Maybe, but I'm not going to try."
"What? Tara, we have to do something! Who knows what she's doing in there? What if she hurts herself?"
"There's nothing we can do. Willow's stronger than me, and I don't use dark magic. Anything I can come up with, she'll just have a counter. Besides, if I start using magic to make her talk to me, then I'll be just as bad as she is."
"Okay, that makes sense," said Buffy. "But what should I do?"
Tara sighed. "I'll just leave. Maybe if I'm gone, then she'll calm down. You were right. It's too soon to talk to her."
Buffy gave Tara a hug. The poor girl looked so defeated. "I'm sorry. I really wish it had worked. Thanks for trying. Maybe tomorrow or the next day, we can try again."
"Maybe." Tara lower lip was trembling as she walked back down the stairs. At the door, she turned to face Buffy. "I'm sorry. I just made it worse."
"Hey, remember what Spike said? Placing blame doesn't solve anything." She gave Tara a determined look. "We'll come up with something. She probably just needs more time."
"I hope you're right," said Tara sadly as she walked out the door.
Buffy closed the door behind her and leaned against it heavily. "I hope so too."