If Not Wisely
Chapter 16: The Kitchen part 2
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.
A/N: Here's the second part of The Kitchen. I know that it's much later than promised. Blame it on the Oscars and an uncontrollable urge to go out drinking. Please review and let me know if you like it. If you absolutely hate it, let me know why. Thanks!
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Buffy's face darkened, and she turned to him with troubled eyes. "Willow went to stay at her mom and dad's. I don't know if she's coming back."
"Really?" Spike was surprised by this new development. "What happened, luv? You two have another row?"
"A row?" Buffy gave another short, mirthless laugh. "I guess you could call it that, but it would be, like, the biggest understatement ever. No, it was more like a knock-down, drag-out, screaming match." She put her elbows on the counter in front of her and dropped her head into her hands with a sigh. "I think I really screwed up this time."
"Do you want to tell me about it?" Spike's face was serious, and he could sense the gravity of the situation.
She turned to look at him from behind her hands. "Yeah, actually." She gave another heavy sigh. "I really need to talk about it with someone. I didn't feel comfortable going into it with Dawn—she's still mad at Willow anyway—and Tara's really upset and thinks the whole thing is her fault. I tried calling Xander last night, but Anya just said that he wasn't home. She seemed kinda mad, so I didn't wanna pry." Buffy raised her head and ran her hands over her face wearily. "You're really the only person I can talk to about this anyway. You understand how I've been feeling since I came back, and you don't really have any emotional connections to Willow. I think I need someone who's impartial, you know?"
Spike gave her a gentle smile. "I know. Tell me what happened."
Buffy started at the beginning with her worries over the bills, and how Willow hadn't been much help in that department. "I was just really cranky, you know? And it bothers me how Willow lives here for free and never even offers to help out. She doesn't even buy her own food; she just eats whatever I bring home."
Spike remained quiet as Buffy continued to tell her story. "And then I just got so mad about her attitude towards Dawn. I mean, I know that she didn't mean to hurt her, but Dawn still has every right to be angry. She just a kid, and she really doesn't understand everything. All she knows, is that someone she trusted put her in danger. You can't blame her, really, for being mad, and Willow hasn't done much to make amends."
Spike began to look concerned as Buffy got to the part about how Willow felt betrayed by the rest of the Scooby Gang. "She just doesn't understand that we're trying to help her. All Willow sees, is that we're talking about her behind her back. She was totally pissed about the whole thing and accused us of treating her like the new Big Bad."
Spike looked thoughtful. "Well, maybe that was just a base reaction. I'm sure you or I might feel the same in her place. Once she cools off a little, she's bound to see that you're all just trying to help."
Buffy peered at him curiously. It wasn't like Spike to be so level-headed. "I'm sure you're right—and she did cool off a little for while there." She gave another dramatic sigh. "It just got so messed up! Why can't anything ever be easy for me?" she whined.
"Now, pet, this isn't about you." He gave her a reproachful look. "It's about Willow, remember?"
The simple statement hit her like a ton of bricks. Of course it was about Willow. "God, you must think I am so self-absorbed! My best friend is in real trouble and I keep trying to make it all about me. It's like it's all-Buffy, all-the-time with me."
Spike gave her a wry smile. "Well, you have been known to make it that, at times." He could say that again. Buffy definitely did have a way of making everything all about her. He couldn't have feelings for her, because it made her uncomfortable. He couldn't possibly be good, because it went against her personal view of vampires. Spike managed to keep his thoughts in check; it wasn't the time. "Still, all of us have been guilty of it a time or two. It's just human nature, I'd wager."
"Yeah," Buffy snorted, "well, I wish we'd had this talk sooner, 'cause it would've helped me out yesterday." Spike gave her a quizzical look. "With Willow, I made it all about Buffy."
"How's that?"
"Well, she accused me of being cold and unfeeling." Buffy looked down at her hands. "You know, ever since I…rose from the dead, and stuff." Spike put a hand over hers as a gesture of comfort, and Buffy looked up quickly. "Not that it's not true, or anything. It just made me so mad, and…and I totally went off on her. I screamed at her and told her every single awful thing that I've been thinking since I came back. I called her selfish and irresponsible, and…and…" She trailed off and looked down at her hands again.
Spike gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "And what, luv?"
Buffy looked up at him, eyes filled with unshed tears. "And that's when she broke. It was awful, Spike. She just kinda…crumbled, right in front of me. The pain she was feeling, it was unbearable. She really hates herself right now…and it's all my fault." One lone tear managed to escape and rolled forlornly down her cheek.
Spike stood once more and wrapped his arms around her. Buffy melted into his embrace, arms winding tightly around him. He held her quietly for a moment, and she began to shake with the force of her sobbing. "Buffy, luv, don't cry. It's not your fault. No one could blame you for feeling the way that you do, and if Willow hates herself, well, it's for good reason." She pulled back to look up at him, a shocked expression on her face. "She'd done some pretty terrible things, luv, and it's time that she faces up to it. Buffy, as much joy as it brings me to see you alive and well—and you'll never know how much—what she did was wrong. You were right; it was irresponsible, and she was being selfish. She needs to be made to see that." He pulled her gently back against his chest and tightened his arms around her.
"But, Spike," Buffy was still sobbing, "she hurts so much."
"And you don't, luv?" He planted a soft kiss on the top of her head. "The Nibblet's arm doesn't hurt, then? I'm sure she does hurt, but there's plenty of reasons for that. Red has caused a lot of pain, and maybe she just needed to see that. Maybe she needs to take a long, hard look at herself."
Buffy sniffed and swiped at her tears. "You think it will help?"
Spike smiled into her hair and gave her another little kiss. "Yeah, I think it might." He pulled back to look at her. "Come on, now, chin up and all that rot. No more tears. You'll find a way; you always do. Tell me the rest." He let her go and sat back down. "Why did she leave?"
Buffy reached out to grab a paper napkin from the little ceramic holder on the counter and blew her nose noisily. She immediately missed the comfort of Spike's embrace. It scared her a little, how much she was coming to depend on him. He was the only thing that remained constant in her crazy, mixed-up world, and she didn't know what she'd do without him. There I go thinking about myself, again. Buffy hated that she was so self-centered. If Spike, a soulless demon, could put the needs of others before his own, why couldn't she? But that was just more of the same, thinking about herself when she should be thinking about Willow.
She quickly related the events of Tara's visit and the magical barrier that Willow had put up. "She promised me that she wouldn't use magic anymore. I was so worried about her, afraid that she would hurt herself or something. Yet, I was also kinda mad that she'd broken her promise, and that she was using magic in my house."
Spike gave her a small smile. "Well, it's to be expected that she slip up once in a while. Besides, she shouldn't have to give up on magic altogether; it's a large part of who she is."
Buffy gave that a little thought and remembered how she herself had vowed never to let Spike touch her again. She certainly hadn't lasted very long on that one. There was no way that she could give him up altogether, either. Not after all they'd been through in the past couple of days. Still, she didn't know if she could trust herself with Spike any more than she could trust Willow with magic. "But it's dangerous. How can we let her keep using magic when it's been so destructive and it's obviously bad for her?" She looked at Spike worriedly, and it was obvious to the both of them that Buffy wasn't just talking about Willow, or magic, for that matter.
"She's just got to learn to use some self-control and restraint, that's all. She needs to stop using her magic for selfish reasons and stop being so reckless with it." He looked at her pointedly. "The magic's not bad for her, luv. It's the reasons behind it that are. There are plenty of good things that can come from magic. It doesn't always have to be so dire or tragic."
Buffy knew that everything Spike had said could be applied to their relationship as well as to Willow's magic problem, but she decided that it was not the best time to discuss it. Instead, she continued with her story. "Poor Tara looked so defeated when she left. I felt so bad for her, and I know that she still loves Willow very much. It must be so hard for them both. I waited outside her bedroom door for hours. She refused to come out or to talk to me at all. Finally, just when I was about to call Tara and have her come and try to take the barrier down, Willow came out. She had a bag all packed and said that she was going to stay at her parents' house."
"Did she say why?"
"She just said that it was too hard for her to stay here right now. She said that she needed some time to sort things out, and that this was the best way." Buffy looked at him with guilty eyes. "I know that this sounds terrible, but a part of me was relieved to have her gone. It's almost like I don't have to worry as much if she's not here. I don't have to worry if she's using magic again or if we're going to get into another fight over breakfast, or if she might put Dawn in danger again. Am I a bad person for feeling this way?"
"No, luv, you're not a bad person. You could never be a bad person." Spike patted her shoulder comfortingly. "It's understandable that you would feel that way."
"Well, another big part of me feels like I just lost my best friend. As hard as these past couple of weeks have been, I still hate to see her leave. It shouldn't have come to this."
"Did she say if she was coming back?" asked Spike.
Buffy shook her head. "No, she said she didn't know if this was the best arrangement for any of us, but she didn't say for sure one way or the other. Honestly? I don't know which to hope for."
He gave her shoulder a squeeze. "It'll all sort itself out in the end. Feelin' guilty is only gonna make it worse. Instead of wasting your energy on guilt, focus on ways to help your friend heal."
Buffy smiled in spite of herself. Spike had an uncanny ability to get to the heart of the matter. It was maddening how he was always right about everything. "You sound like a shrink!" she laughed.
"Just call me Dr. Spike." He smiled back at her and then sobered. "What are we going to do now?"
"With Willow? I don't know." Buffy shrugged, all of the laughter gone now. "I kinda feel like we should just leave her alone for a while and let her sort things out by herself. But I'm also scared that she might fall even deeper into magic, maybe even go back to that Rack guy, and then we might lose her forever."
"I understand why you're worried, but I don't see how a few days could hurt. Give her some time to cool off and think about things. If she was as shook up as you said, then I really don't think that she'd wanna keep messing around with the black arts. She might just come around on her own."
"Yeah," Buffy sighed, "that's what Tara said, too. Maybe I'll just give her a call over the weekend and see how she's doing."
"That's a good idea, pet. Let her know that you're there for her, but don't push her. Red's got to do some of this on her own. You can only do so much."
"I know. I just want her to be better. I just want my best friend back, you know?"
Spike nodded in understanding. "It'll happen, these things just take time."
"Spike?" Buffy looked at him curiously. "When did you get so calm and level-headed."
He chuckled. "Well, luv, I've had a lot of free time in the past couple of years and no real friends to speak of. Gives a bloke a lot of time to think. You'd be surprised how introspective I've become."
Buffy frowned and laid her hand on his arm. "I'm your friend."
Spike covered her hand with his and looked her straight in the eyes. "I hope so," he said seriously.
"I am," said Buffy adamantly, "and you're mine. You've been such a great help to me ever since I came back. I…I don't know what I'd do without you. I'm sorry that I haven't always been so nice to you."
He smiled at her. "It's okay, luv. I'm used to it."
"No! You shouldn't have to be used to it! You don't deserve it." Buffy's lower lip began to tremble, and she looked down at their intertwined hands.
"Luv," he cupped her chin in his hand and raised her face to his. "I know how hard this is for you, and I understand. I can wait until you sort it all out, even if that means facing your wrath once in a while. It's worth it."
"Thank you," she whispered. He smiled at her again, and Buffy lost it. She threw herself into his arms and pressed her lips to his. Spike responded eagerly, and she was immediately lost in the kiss. She knew nothing but the incredible taste and feel of him. It felt so good; it was where she belonged.
Spike knew that this was probably a bad idea, but he couldn't help himself. It was wonderful to kiss Buffy and to feel her arms around him. Her warms hands traveled up his back as she continued to kiss him with passion, and he returned the kisses with a desire that matched. Before he even knew what had happened, Buffy was straddling him on the kitchen stool. He mouth never left his as she tried to unbutton his jeans and un-tuck his shirt at the same time. Her desperate need was unsettling to Spike, and he forced himself to break the kiss. "Wait."
Buffy paused, her hand still on the top button of his jeans, the other snaked up under his shirt. "What?" she panted. "You wanna go upstairs?"
"No." Spike's voice was stern. He removed her hand from his pants and gently slid her onto the floor.
"What's the matter?" Buffy tried not to show the hurt she was feeling.
"I don't think this is a good idea."
"Why not?" She could feel herself getting angry. "You seemed to like it just fine the other night!"
"Because I'm in love with you."
Buffy gave him a coy smile and lowered her lashes. "I know." She reached for him again. "I want you to love me right now." He batted her hand away and she pouted at him. "You know you want to."
"What I want," Spike said through clenched teeth, "is to have a real relationship with you. I don't want something that is based on sex, and I don't want you using me to make yourself feel better. I want you to love me the way I love you."
"Spike, I told you—"
"I know what you told me," he interrupted, "and I just told you that I'd wait until you got it all sorted out. Buffy, I love you, and I want to do this right. Yes, I want you right now, but it would be a mistake. If we're ever going to have something real here, then we've got to take it slow. We can't just go running off to shag every time your emotions get the better of you."
Buffy understood what he was trying to say, but it stung nonetheless. "Spike, it's not like that. I'm not using you."
"Then what are you doing?"
She ran her hands through her hair in frustration. "I don't know! That's what I'm trying to figure out. I do feel something for you, but I don't know what it is yet."
He looked at her levelly. "Exactly. You need to figure it out, and shagging'll only bollocks it up more." Spike sighed and reached out to grab her hand. "I'm not trying to punish you, luv. I just want things to be good between us. Do you understand?"
"I do understand." She gave him a small smile. "And you're right as always. I want things to be good too." She stepped forward and put her arms around him. "I probably just would've ended up beating you up afterwards, anyway."
Spike couldn't help but laugh. "Probably."
Buffy gave him a squeeze and copped a quick feel. "I just can't keep my hands off your sexy body," she joked.
"Yeah, quite a few women have that problem, actually." His eyes were sparkling with delight from the fact that Buffy thought he was sexy.
She pulled away to smack him on the shoulder. "Ego, much?" They both laughed.
"Well, luv, I'd better get going. I'd like to catch a few hours of sleep before the Nibblet comes over."
Buffy hated to see him go. "Still working on the play?"
"Yeah, we're almost done. She'll probably finish it over the weekend." Spike shuffled his feet, but made no move to leave.
"Um," Buffy was suddenly nervous. "Will I see you later? Patrol, maybe?"
Spike smiled, glad that Buffy still wanted to see him. "Sure, luv. Just come by when you're ready."
"Okay." She smiled back at him. "Hey, where were you last night? I came by, but you weren't there." Buffy had looked all over for Spike the night before, but he'd been nowhere to be found.
"What's the matter, luv? Miss me?" Buffy scowled at him, and he smirked back. "I was having a few pints with the Whelp."
"Xander?" asked Buffy. Spike nodded. "No way, Xander hates you."
Spike tried not to look too offended by this. "Well, hate might be too strong of a word. We had quite the little chat."
Buffy stared at him in disbelief. "You had a chat with Xander? Wait, is that what you were talking about when you first got here? Something about a heart-to-heart?"
"Uh, something like that." Now Spike was embarrassed. He never should've brought it up.
"Were you talking about me?" she asked suspiciously.
"Actually, we weren't. Remember, it's not always all about Buffy." He gave her a teasing smile to soften the harsh words.
She bristled a bit at his comment, but did not let herself get angry. "Are you going to tell me what you talked about?"
"Nope."
"Spike! Come on!" Buffy hated secrets, and it drove her crazy when people kept things from her.
Spike planted a kiss on her forehead and turned to grab his duster. "Sorry, luv, but it's not my place. Ask the Whelp, if you really wanna know."
Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine, I will!"
He chuckled and picked up his blanket. "You do that." He pulled the blanket over his head and reached for the door. "See ya, Slayer."
"Wait!" She rushed across the kitchen and stood between Spike and the door. "Don't I get a kiss goodbye?"
Spike gave her a sexy grin and leaned down to kiss her. Moments later, he was gone, and Buffy was left breathless, wondering what he and Xander could have possibly talked about.