If Not Wisely
Chapter 21: The Talk
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I would like to know how I am doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.
A/N: Hot off the presses! Buffy goes to Spike's crypt to talk about the relationship. Thanks to everyone who left such nice reviews. I'll be out of town again this weekend, so the next chapter probably won't be up until Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Enjoy the chapter, and let me know what you think. Thanks!
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Buffy paused outside the door of Spike's crypt. She was nervous, and she had the sweaty palms and heart palpitations to prove it. On the way there, she had mentally rehearsed what she was going to say over and over, yet, she was still unsure. How does one tell a formerly evil, blood-sucking creature of the night that it might be possible, someday, to love him? That was the conclusion that Buffy had come to. She had decided to stop fighting her feelings, and open herself up to the possibility of loving Spike. She hadn't gotten to that point yet, and it might take a while before she did, but she owed it to herself to find out.
She took a deep breath and pushed open the crypt door. The interior was dark, the only light came from the old television set. Spike sat in the ratty arm-chair directly in front of the glowing box. His posture was relaxed, and he was smoking a cigarette. Buffy took a moment just to look at him. He looked beautiful bathed in the eerie blue light, and she wanted nothing more than to run to him and cover his face with kisses. Instead, she took another deep breath and tried to calm herself. They were going to do this right.
"Evenin', Slayer." Spike did not take his eyes off the television. He didn't need to. He knew it was her as surely as he knew that she'd been standing outside the door for a full five minutes before she'd come in.
"Hey." Buffy crossed the crypt and went to perch on the arm of his chair. "Whatcha watchin'?"
"Blind Date." He still did not look at her. Spike didn't know what to make of her earlier hesitation. For all he knew, she had come to call the whole thing off. The last thing he wanted to do, was let her see the hope in his eyes. Not until he knew her motivation for coming to see him.
Buffy felt her nervousness grow. Why wouldn't he look at her? She had thought that he'd be happier to see her. Was she making a mistake? She forced herself to ignore the fact that her stomach was contorting like a Chinese acrobat, and tried to sound casual. "How can you watch this crap? The people who go on this show are total idiots!"
Spike chuckled. "I know, that's why I watch. To make fun of the idiots. This crazy bint just offered to give the meathead a rub down. I predict that they'll be naked in a hot tub before the program ends."
Buffy giggled and leaned into him a bit. She was acutely aware of all the places where their bodies touched. "Think they'll make the hall of shame?"
"I give 'em even odds."
They sat for a while, watching the show and making fun of the people. Buffy wasn't sure what to do with her hands. Every fiber of her being was screaming out to touch him, but she thought it was too soon. She ended up putting her hands in her jacket pockets, and she brushed up against the bag of Burba weed. Buffy took it out of her pocket and held it up in front of him. "Brought ya something."
"What's this?" asked Spike taking the bag from her and examining it closely.
"It's Burba weed. For your blood." She took off her jacket and tossed over onto the couch.
"I can see that. What I mean is, why are you giving it to me? Is today some kind of gift-giving holiday that I'm not aware of?"
"Oh, no, it's not from me." Buffy was embarrassed. He'd actually thought that she was giving him a gift. It made her feel bad that she'd never once considered getting Spike a gift of any kind. "Actually, it's from Anya. A thank you gift."
"Thanks for what?"
"For saving her relationship with Xander."
Spike laughed. "Did she actually say that?"
"Yep. She also said that she knew you'd just steal the stuff anyway."
"Ah, she knows me too well." Spike risked a glance a Buffy and saw that she was smiling. She was beautiful when she smiled. He wanted to kiss her, but knew he shouldn't. "Well, that was right nice of her. I was almost out. Thanks for bringing it by."
"No problem." She shot him another smile. "I was coming over anyway."
He wanted to ask why. He wanted to know what she was doing there and why it had taken her so long to work up the courage to come in. She had mentioned something about patrol earlier that day, but she didn't seem like she was thinking about slaying. She certainly wasn't dressed for it. Buffy had on a short, black skirt and some sort of strappy, backless top that was driving him crazy. He wanted to know if she was there to fuck him senseless, proclaim her undying love or banish him from her life once and for all. But he couldn't ask her any of those things, not when he wasn't sure of the answer. All he could say was, "Oh, good, then."
Buffy nervously picked at a loose thread in the fabric of the arm chair. What had happened to her talkative Spike? Why was he suddenly so quiet? It looked like it was up to her to get the conversational ball rolling. She took another deep breath, before plunging in. "So, I heard what you said to Xander."
He turned to her, one eyebrow raised. "Yeah?"
"Yeah, and I, uh, thought it was pretty great."
"You did?"
"Yeah, I did. It was really nice of you to reassure him like that. You know, considering that you guys aren't exactly friends."
Spike snorted. "Wasn't trying to be nice. I was just tellin' it like it is. It really brasses me off that you Scoobs have such a narrow view of the world. I was just trying to expand his a bit, is all."
"Oh, so that's all, than? You don't really care either way?"
Buffy was looking at him with such pleading in her eyes that Spike decided to let his tough-guy routine rest a little. She wanted him to care, needed him to care. He sighed. It wasn't easy admitting stuff like that. "Okay, so maybe I wanted to see someone get a happy ending. Doesn't happen too much around here. Besides, the Whelp's not such a bad kid, even if he is a moron. He did buy me a couple of pints. Guess maybe I just thought he deserved to be happy. Stop lettin' all the little stuff get to him."
"Are you?" asked Buffy suddenly, before she could stop herself.
"Am I what?"
"Happy."
"Can't say as I am." He caught the stricken look on Buffy's face. "Sometimes, maybe. When the Nibblet smiles at me, or when Passions comes on, or when they brought that onion thing back at the Bronze." He paused for a moment, but couldn't bring himself to look at her. When he spoke again, his voice was softer. "Or when I first saw you coming down the stairs that time with your knuckles all bruised and bleeding. Yeah, once in a while, I am happy. But, as a whole, no."
Buffy had her head down again, picking at the loose thread. "I'm sorry," she whispered. And she was. She was sorry for a lot of things, but mostly because she'd asked that question.
"Are you?"
"Happy?"
"Yeah."
"No, but I could be. I really think I could be…happy…with you." She brought her head up on the final word and finally met his eyes. What she saw there was a mixture of shock, confusion, disbelief, hope and love.
It was a struggle for Spike to find his voice. He didn't know what to say, and he was afraid that he might be in the middle of another crazy dream. "Would you, uh, mind repeatin' that, luv?"
Buffy swallowed hard. This was even scarier than she'd imagined. She finally gave in and reached for his hand. "Spike, I've been thinking about this a lot. I can't run from it any more. There is something between us, and I want to find out what it is. I am happy when I'm with you, Spike. I feel better, more complete, I feel alive, and I want to keep feeling that way. I think we could have something really special. The question is, do you think that you could be happy…with me?"
Spike had been fighting to keep his swirling mess of emotions at bay, at least until he knew for sure what she was saying, but he couldn't hold back any longer. He reached for her, pulling her into his lap and enveloping her in a tight hug. "Oh God…Buffy…yes…Yes! I would be happy." He buried his head in her hair, inhaling the fresh apple scent of her shampoo, and he felt her arms go around his next, her head resting on his chest. "Buffy, it's what I want more than anything. To be with you, it's more than I could hope for. I love you, Buffy. God, I love you so much. Thank you…thank you."
"Spike." She brought her arms down from his neck and pushed lightly on his chest. He loosened his hold, and she pulled back to look at him. "I want to be clear about what I'm saying here. I'm not saying that I love you. I'm saying that there's a possibility that I could love you. A pretty big possibility. But it's going to take time, and I think you were right, we should go slow. I don't want to rush into this. I want to know that we're making the best possible decision. Are you gonna be okay with that?"
He smiled, his whole face lighting up, and he pulled her tightly against him again. He didn't ever want to let her go. "Of course, luv. We can do this any way you want. I just want to be with you. Just give me a chance, Buffy. I can make you happy; I will make you happy. I know it. Just give me a chance, that's all I ask."
Buffy snuggled deeper into his embrace. It felt just a little bit like heaven to be in his arms, so safe and warm. It felt like where she belonged. It had felt so good to finally admit it, to finally say out loud that there was a possibility. It was almost as if the last piece had fallen into the puzzle. She was finally on the road to happiness, to a better, more complete Buffy. She nuzzled into his neck, smelling that unique Spike scent. "Hey," she whispered, "I know that you issued a hands-off order, but doesn't this moment call for a kiss?" Spike chuckled, and she could feel the vibrations rumbling though his body and into hers.
"Luv, I could never deny you anything." He removed an arm from around her waist and gently tipped her chin up until their eyes met. He could swear that he saw love growing in there, a love that would one day match his. "I love you," he said before pressing his lips softly to hers. The kiss was slow, and gentle and almost heart-breaking in its tenderness. Spike tried to pour every ounce of love that her felt for her into one perfect kiss.
It was the best kiss of Buffy's life. She felt herself falling deeper and deeper into him, into the possibility of him, and she never wanted this moment to end. His tongue moved against hers, sliding up and slipping back. He caressed her face with feather-light strokes that spoke volumes of his love for her. His movements were slow and arousing, and tempting as all hell. It made her ache inside. She gave herself over to that ache, pressing closer against his body and searching his mouth for whatever she could find. It was totally exciting and utterly terrifying. And maybe not so impossible, after all.
She pressed even closer, intensifying the kiss, wanting more. She touched his back and his shoulders, touched his jaw and his throat. She gave her hands free-rein to roam at will, all the while tasting him, exploring him with her mouth and tongue. He tasted like cigarettes and smelled like a man. He felt real, hard and solid, like a lover. She could feel his lean muscles quivering beneath her touch. How she wished that they could live in this moment forever—just the two of them, holding each other, touching each other. Dare she say it? Loving each other. But they couldn't. Buffy knew that as surely as she knew that continuing to kiss him in this way would only lead to sex, which was something that they both weren't ready for. She knew that the world outside his dark little crypt was cold and hard. She knew that they would be met with many obstacles before they found true love or happiness. She knew that she had to end the kiss before it went too far.
Exerting a slight pressure on his shoulders, she broke the kiss and leaned back. Breathing hard, she stared up at him. Spike was breathing equally as hard, even though he didn't need to, and was staring right back at her with such love in his eyes that she had to fight the urge to look away. She had made a promise, to Spike and to herself, that she would stop running, and she was determined to keep it. No matter how scary this thing between them got, no matter how hard, she was going to try and face it head on.
They were still staring at each other in complete silence, and Buffy felt like she should say something. She racked her brain, but couldn't think of anything she could possibly say to do the moment justice. She wished that she could say something poetic, something deep and meaningful, to convey to him in words just how much that kiss had touched her. But words weren't her strong suit, and, as much as she wished for it, nothing came. "That was…wow…"
Spike smiled, brushed some hair off her face and leaned forward to lightly rub his nose against hers. "That about sums it up." The poet inside of him was already searching for the perfect line, trying to compose a sonnet that would pay tribute to her, to her beauty and the gift she had given him. The hope, the possibility, that she had given him, was almost too much for him to contain. He had to find an outlet, had to find some way to express how much it meant to him, how much she meant to him. For now, all he could do was smile at her, give her another kiss—a short, almost chaste one this time—and declare his love once more. "I love you, Buffy."
Buffy sagged back against his chest, felt his arms tighten around her. "I know," she whispered. She wished she could say it back. It would make him so happy, and he deserved to be happy. But she couldn't. It wasn't there yet; she wasn't ready for it to be. Time. She just needed more time. She sighed softly, knowing that they couldn't keep pretending that everything was all right. As tempting as it was to let this moment linger, to act if all their problems were solved and wrap them up in a pretty little bow, she knew that they both needed to face the truth. They still had a lot of work ahead of them.
She raised her head from his chest. "You know that this is just the beginning, right? It's going to be hard, and we're going to have to fight to make it work. I can be a real bitch sometimes, and I know that. There will be times when it will just be too much for me. I'm gonna want to run and hide, and you're going to have to pull me back."
Spike smiled. He didn't think he would ever stop smiling. The smile seemed to be permanently affixed to his face. "I know it's gonna be hard, luv. It always is with you." She gave him a nasty look. "Don't make that face, luv, it might freeze that way. Seriously, of course it'll be hard, anything worth having always is. If anyone can do it, though, it's you. Cor, you're the strongest person I know."
"No, I'm not strong. I'm scared."
Spike frowned. It looked like that perma-smile had a pretty short shelf-life. "What are you scared of, luv?"
"Of you. Of us. Of this." She was avoiding his eyes again. "As much as I want to trust you, and love you and open my heart to you, I don't know if I can. I'm scared that I'm finally going to love you, finally allow myself to be happy, and then you'll leave. Or worse, that stupid chip will stop working, and you'll help yourself to the all-you-can-eat people buffet. And then I'd have to kill you. I'd have to kill someone I loved. Again."
"Buffy, look at me." When she wouldn't, he put two fingers gently under her chin and forced her to. "Buffy, I love you. I love you, and I love the Nibblet. I'm not going anywhere. Look at all the times you tried to make me leave. It never worked. I always came back, and I'll always stay. I stayed for a hundred and forty-seven days because I had your memory, and I had the Nibblet. I promise you, I will not leave. I'm not Angel. I'm not going to prance off to L.A. just because it's hard to be with you. I'm too stubborn, too selfish, for that."
"That's another thing."
"What is?"
"Angel."
"Please don't tell me that you're still hung up on the Great Poof!"
She gave him a small smile. "No, I'm not in love with Angel anymore. I stopped being in love with him a long time ago. It never would have worked with him, and I can see that now. He has his destiny, and I have mine. We were never meant to be together."
The relief washed over him in waves. "Oh, thank God! Don't scare me like that, luv. You had me so worried. I can't compete with him again; I never win."
"You might be surprised," she said with a mischievous grin. "Dawn likes you way better than she ever liked him. So did my mom, for that matter. Even Xander tolerates you much better than he ever did Angel."
"Yeah, I guess you got a point there." The smile was back, but it disappeared almost immediately. "So, what about Angel, then?"
Buffy's smile disappeared as well. "It's just that…this is so hard for me. Okay, the thing is, if I admit to myself that you love me, that you want to be with me, despite that fact that you don't have a soul, then it's like admitting that Angel could have, too. But he didn't. I don't think that I can face up to that, not yet."
"Buffy, Angelus could have loved you. In fact, he probably did."
"What?"
She sounded so surprised, that Spike almost laughed. "You forget, I was there for the whole presto-chango. I saw what he was like. He was consumed with you; you were all he thought about. He probably would've loved you if he hadn't been so busy hating you for making him feel human. That's the irony, really. He hated you for making him feel human, and that's one of the biggest reasons why I love you."
"Really?"
"Really, what?"
"You love me because I make you feel human?"
"It's what I love most about you."
"Aww, that's so sweet." She leaned forward and kissed him softly. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For saying what you did about Angel. And for what you said about me. It means a lot."
He kissed her back. "Then you're welcome."
Buffy snuggled back up against him. "And you're not gonna leave, right?"
"Right."
"Promise?"
"I swear on my duster."
She giggled. "You know that means if you do leave, then the duster stays with me?"
"Good thing I won't be leavin', then. I'm rather attached to that old thing."
"I can tell by the way that you never take it off."
"It's part of the image."
"Uh huh," murmured Buffy. They kissed again, and it ended up being another one of those kisses that goes on forever.
When the kiss finally ended, Buffy rested her head against his chest, and he stroked her hair softly. "So, what's the deal, then? Are we dating? Am I supposed to take you to the movies? Maybe buy you a corsage, or something?"
She giggled, imagining what kind of corsage Spike would pick out for her. "I guess you could call it dating. Maybe more like, getting to know each other better. I realized today that I hardly know anything about you. I want to know everything. I want to spend more time with you, just the two of us. And with Dawn, and the rest of the gang. I just want to take some time, feel this thing out and see if it works."
"Sounds good to me." He kissed her.
"And the kissing's not bad, either."
"Not bad at all." He did it again. "Listen, I just want you to know how happy you've made me. This is all I've ever wanted, just to have a chance with you. A chance to show you that I can be a man, not just a monster. Thank you for giving me this chance. I promise, I won't let you down."
"No, I'm pretty sure you won't. I just hope I don't end up letting you down. I'm pretty messed up, you know."
"I know. It's one of your many charms." He laughed when she tried to smack him. "So, this is it, then? We're going to try to build a real relationship?"
"Yep. Pretty scary, huh?"
"Pretty bloody wonderful, if you ask me. Are you gonna tell your mates what's going on?"
Buffy shook her head. "I don't think so. Not yet, anyway. I want to figure this out by myself, not let their opinions and prejudices get in the way. They're probably gonna freak, you know."
Spike sighed. "Yeah, I know. I'm already envisioning the late night lynch mob, complete with stakes and burning torches."
Buffy laughed. She could actually picture Xander carrying a burning torch. "Oh, it won't be that bad. Dawn will be happy about it, Anya too. You just need to spend more time around the rest of them, let them get used to you." She peered at him skeptically. "You can be nice if you want, right?"
"Luv, if it means that I get to be with you, then I can be anything you want. So, you're not going to tell the Nibblet, then?"
"I'll probably have to. Dawn's so nosy, she'd figure it out in a minute anyway. I just hope she can keep her mouth shut for a while. At least until we're ready to come out of the closet."
Spike chuckled. "You make us sound like a couple of poofters!"
She smacked him on the shoulder. "You know what I mean!"
They spent the rest of the night kissing and cuddling in the chair and talking to each other like they never had. Buffy told him all about her plans with Anya, and Spike offered to help in any way he could. He even volunteered himself as her practice dummy. Spike talked a little about his boyhood in England and all the places he'd gone and the things he'd seen. It was fascinating to Buffy to find out what he had been like as a child. She wanted to hear all about his human life, but Spike seemed a little reluctant to talk about it. He promised to tell her the whole story another time. She told him what her life had been like before she was called, and about the early days of slaying, including burning down the gym at her old school. They discussed the situation with Willow at length, and tried to think of ways to help her. The more Buffy talked to him, the more she liked him. She was feeling better and better about her decision every minute.
It was nearly three in the morning when Buffy finally forced herself to leave the comfort of his arms. She hated to go, but knew that she needed to be home for Dawn. After the tenth goodnight kiss, she finally made it to the door of the crypt. "So, I'll see you tomorrow? Dawn said that you guys are watching a movie. She invited me to watch with you. You don't mind, do you?"
"Of course not, luv. I'd never mind being with you." He swept her up for one last hug and claimed her mouth with one more hungry kiss. "Goodnight, Buffy."
"Goodnight." She pulled his head down and kissed him.
"Get outta here, already."
"I'm going."
"Okay."
"Bye."
"Parting is such sweet sorrow," he said in an over exaggerated and sappy style.
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Okay, cheeseball, I'm gone." She snuck in one last kiss. "See ya tomorrow!"
Spike stood at the door and watched her disappear into the cemetery. He didn't think he could possibly be any happier than he was at that moment. He finally had a chance to win Buffy's love.