Dear Diary 2 - Guilt
Last night started off badly. I had algebra homework. That class has been giving me major headaches all semester. I understood most of the material, but I haven't actually done algebra in years.
Scott's been very good the past few days. Too good in fact. He's always underfoot it seems. He says he's trying to help, and it's sweet, it really is, but at one point last night, if he had asked how it was going one more time, I think I might have strangled him.
Francine was doing a pretty good job of keeping him busy. I was studying in my room, but he escaped more than once to come check on me.
I had to get out of the house. He tried to go with me, but I'd refused. I really didn't want to tell him he was part of what I needed a break from.
God, I felt like I was drowning. Sometimes I couldn't even breathe.
So I went for a drive. And I got thirsty, so I went to 7-11. Not just any 7-11, though, the one on Ninth Street. The same 7-11 that's right around the corner from Stevie's house. I passed, oh, maybe 10 of them before I stopped there.
I went in and strolled up and down the aisles. I wasn't really looking for anything in particular. Well, I guess I was, but it wasn't anything that could be found on the shelves of a convenience store.
Then I saw him. It was like fate. Or something.
He was standing near the magazines, leafing through a comic book. It's strange how you can just know someone from the shape of their shoulder blades through a T-shirt.
Before I even realized what I was doing, I was behind him and saying hello. He seemed genuinely happy to see me. He looked amazing. He smelled heavenly. That smile could light up a night's sky and those eyes...well, not to sound like a cheesy eighties love ballad, but I could get lost in his eyes.
It was so good to talk to him. Things had been tense since Scott and I got together. It's certainly no secret that there's a lot of animosity between them. I don't bring it up with either of them; I don't want to be in the middle of that.
He said he really missed me, and we should get together for lunch sometime, if I wanted. And God help me, I said it. I asked him if he wanted to do something now. I wasn't thinking about how I was going to explain where I was for so long, but I had to go with him. He must have asked a million times if I was sure. I don't think I've ever been so sure of anything in my life.
We drove back to his apartment in Scott's car. He got a kick out of that. "If he only knew..." he said.
I stayed at his apartment for an hour. We just talked and talked. I missed that. And when I was leaving, he walked me to the door, and leaned over and kissed me. He pulled away and apologized profusely, but I told him it was alright. I was thinking it was more than alright, but I had the presence of mind not to say that, at least.
When I got home, I told them I had a headache and I went to bed. Scott came up to make sure I was ok and brought me aspirin and a glass of water. I felt so guilty. He is my fiancé, and I lied to him and kissed another man.
I guess what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?
Last night started off badly. I had algebra homework. That class has been giving me major headaches all semester. I understood most of the material, but I haven't actually done algebra in years.
Scott's been very good the past few days. Too good in fact. He's always underfoot it seems. He says he's trying to help, and it's sweet, it really is, but at one point last night, if he had asked how it was going one more time, I think I might have strangled him.
Francine was doing a pretty good job of keeping him busy. I was studying in my room, but he escaped more than once to come check on me.
I had to get out of the house. He tried to go with me, but I'd refused. I really didn't want to tell him he was part of what I needed a break from.
God, I felt like I was drowning. Sometimes I couldn't even breathe.
So I went for a drive. And I got thirsty, so I went to 7-11. Not just any 7-11, though, the one on Ninth Street. The same 7-11 that's right around the corner from Stevie's house. I passed, oh, maybe 10 of them before I stopped there.
I went in and strolled up and down the aisles. I wasn't really looking for anything in particular. Well, I guess I was, but it wasn't anything that could be found on the shelves of a convenience store.
Then I saw him. It was like fate. Or something.
He was standing near the magazines, leafing through a comic book. It's strange how you can just know someone from the shape of their shoulder blades through a T-shirt.
Before I even realized what I was doing, I was behind him and saying hello. He seemed genuinely happy to see me. He looked amazing. He smelled heavenly. That smile could light up a night's sky and those eyes...well, not to sound like a cheesy eighties love ballad, but I could get lost in his eyes.
It was so good to talk to him. Things had been tense since Scott and I got together. It's certainly no secret that there's a lot of animosity between them. I don't bring it up with either of them; I don't want to be in the middle of that.
He said he really missed me, and we should get together for lunch sometime, if I wanted. And God help me, I said it. I asked him if he wanted to do something now. I wasn't thinking about how I was going to explain where I was for so long, but I had to go with him. He must have asked a million times if I was sure. I don't think I've ever been so sure of anything in my life.
We drove back to his apartment in Scott's car. He got a kick out of that. "If he only knew..." he said.
I stayed at his apartment for an hour. We just talked and talked. I missed that. And when I was leaving, he walked me to the door, and leaned over and kissed me. He pulled away and apologized profusely, but I told him it was alright. I was thinking it was more than alright, but I had the presence of mind not to say that, at least.
When I got home, I told them I had a headache and I went to bed. Scott came up to make sure I was ok and brought me aspirin and a glass of water. I felt so guilty. He is my fiancé, and I lied to him and kissed another man.
I guess what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?