Disclaimer, Disclaimer: Blablabla, not my show or characters.
"Now this is the life," Buffy sighed as she relaxed on the chaise lounge at the hotel, the sun beating down on her slim body.
"Or unlife, luv," Spike chuckled as he entwined his hand in Buffy's.
"I'd wish you'd say my name."
"What do you mean, Goldilocks?" Spike turned to face his new bride, whose children's size two bathing suit hung loosely on her body.
"I mean, we're husband and wife. And I have a name. Using it would be nice." Buffy smiled at her hubby, whose caked on sunscreen was beginning to peel.
"Well then, since we're married, we should be shaggin right now. Are we? No. Marriage won't change me. I'll always be a rebel."
"Um, yeah, ok," Buffy deepened her voice as she spoke in a severely sarcastic tone, "You sure are tough."
"What's that supposed to mean, baby?"
"Uh, nothing. Listen, I'm gonna go up to the hotel, you just sit, and take this," Buffy squirted yet another entire bottle of her personal stash of vanilla scented SPF 40 sunscreen on her new spouse, then left him to go up to the honeymoon suite.
"Hmmm…Now what do I do?" Spike tapped his fingers against a glass table, which reflected the sun's rays and began burning the underside of his forearm. "Oww!" Spike pulled his arm back and began shaking nervously. "I'm gonna need some more sunscreen."
Buffy strolled through the garden of the Hawaii happy-fun-super- excitement Hotel! before entering the lobby of the hotel, a flower in her blonde? hair. She walked calmly and quickly to the elevators, but stopped once she saw her friends.
"Buffy!" Anya called, as she ran over to her small friend while holding her rainbow kerchief over her head.
"Anya! I love your little bandana thing."
"Bandana? This is my hair," Anya replied as she ran her fingers through her multicolored locks, "Festive, right? I couldn't decide what color for the week so I decided on all of them!"
"That's…interesting. Willow, Tara!" The two lesbians, one witchy, one not so witchy, ran up to their tiny gal pal and gave her a hug. Tara wore a dark green sarong, and Willow wore something ugly. They both stepped back and giggled.
"Buffy, you look great," Tara complimented her friend, "are you headed toward the buffet?"
"Um, no. Actually I just wanted to get a book to read. Any suggestions?"
"How about 'Jews for Jesus'?" Willow offered.
"Very funny, Will. Any other ideas?"
"The 'Left Behind' series is fantastic. It talks about how all those who aren't a particular religion are left behind after the rapture, and life for them becomes hell on earth!" Willow's eyes glowed as she spoke, which made it hard for Buffy to-
"What the hell? I went to hea-ven, and I'm agnostic."
"You still sure you weren't in a hell dimension?" Willow prodded.
"How about we drop the subject and you go and get some sun on you. You look like a vampire. Without the sexy abs and sexy accent and sexy sex and…" Buffy trailed off as her mouth began to overflow with drool.
"Hey, Horny the Vampire Layer, I don't think the hotel staff wants you having orgasms in the middle of a hotel lobby," Anya interjected.
"But we do!" Five men with video cameras appeared out of nowhere.
"Who are you?"
"The 'Girls Gone Wild' camera crew. You said orgasm in public place and we came a runnin. Now who wants to take their top off?" At this inappropriate sentence, Dawn entered the room.
"Hi Buffy."
"Hi Dawnie."
"Ooo, camera crew. What do I have to do to get myself on film?" Dawn sauntered over to the men in a flouncy way, only to be stopped by Buffy.
"No. You do not want to know what they want," Buffy cautioned her shiny-haired sister, before turning her attention back to the camera crew, "You can go now. No one here wants all this attention." At the sound of the word 'attention', a light bulb clicked on above Dawn's head, and she quickly excused herself, flouncing in the direction the camera crew went.
"Buffy, do you want to come with us to get something to eat?" Tara inquired once more.
"No, I'm fine, really. You guys go and have a gay ol' time," Buffy then turned to Anya, "except you, of course- Wait- oh damn, not what I meant. Not what I meant." She put her head in her hands.
"Its ok. I'm not gay. I'd continue to rhyme, but its beach hitting time." Anya pat Buffy's back and walked out into the sun. Willow and Tara held hands, then let go, then held hands, then let go, then giggled, when suddenly, out of the blue, Willow screamed.
"Hey! WB! We're not on your damn channel anymore so stop screwing with us!" Almost immediately the two ladies were on the floor, rolling and making out. Buffy carefully stepped over them and entered the elevator.
"Gosh, this is going to be some Hawaii honeymoon." Ominous yet quirky elevator music played as the elevator ascended, but not in a Mayor-y way.
"Ahh, this sun feels great, right, Willow?" Tara spun around, looking for her ex flamed/current flame/ something flame, and found her at the edge of shadows from the hotel lobby's overhang. "Come on, the sun won't hurt you. Remember, we rubbed in that sunscreen before we left. Now you-you-you need to come out of the shadows."
"Well you spent your life there."
"That was a song. It was metaphorical."
"Metaphor sounds like magic," Willow jittered.
"No, it doe-doe-doesn't. Now please come out with me."
"But everyone knows I'm GAY! GAY! GAY!" Willow jazz-handed her way into the light, as a group of stereotypical lesbians in Island-gear began dancing behind her, and a band playing 'Special Tropical Vacation Episode!' music jammed over to the side. "I am so gay- I tell everyone that every day! You may not like that but its ok- I won't listen to what you have to say- Why?- Cuz I'm gay!" Willow hula'd around the patio, and leapt onto a table.
"Oh dear goddess."
"Many people think that I may just be bi-And that a boy's thingy I should try-But I would rather die- Cuz I'm gay and that's no lie!" A steel drum was brought in and Willow and the Addictettes altered their dance to a more Caribbean flavor, mon.
"What the hell is Willow doing?" Anya asked as she approached Tara.
"I don't know. But it frightens me."
"How frightening?"
"Like bunnies."
"Oh dear."
"When I see my Tara baby-"
"Ooo-ooo" The Addictettes cooed.
"Sweet merciful Athena, I do not like where this rhyme is going."
"And she says she loves me maybe-"
"Ooo-ooo"
"I don't get it," Anya held Tara's arm, "What's so bad about it?"
"I'll never play you like a toy from Kay-bee"
"Ooo-ooo"
"But I just want to touch your labi-"
"Enough!" Tara grabbed Willow's arm and pulled her off the table.
"Hey! We just about to get to the part with a hoop of fire that I jump through!" Willow yelled at the witch, then ran off, careful to stay in the shadows. Anya walked over to the dejected, earth-toned woman, and gave her a hug in an ex-demony way.
"There, there, Tara. I'm sure Willow will be back to normal soon. Well, normal for Willow."
"I guess. I-I-I'm just so worried she might fall of the wagon now."
"That always confused me."
"What did?"
"The 'on the wagon' thing. Traditionally ale would be carried by cart or wagon, so one would assume that being 'on the wagon' would entail drinking the ale, wouldn't it? Unless the wine was somehow chasing you, and you needed the speed of a wagon to escape. But then if a bottle of wine had legs with which to run drinking would be the least of my problems…" Anya looked around her, noticing a distinct lack of Tara. "Hey!"
"Hey, catch a load of these!" Dawn screamed as she lifted up her baby Tee.
"Oh yeah, baby! Now go and press them against that girl over there."
"Um…"Dawn whispered into her hair, and her hair and her brain came to a decision quickly, "Ok!"
Buffy hopped out of the elevator as it stopped at her floor. "La-la-la—la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la—Oh I can't get Spike out of my head- " The door swished open to reveal Xander, wearing a baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants.
"Buffy? Why aren't you downstairs with Spike, perhaps squirting baby oil on him or giving him on of those metal reflector thingies?"
"Very funny, Xander. I'm actually a little pooped, so I'm gonna take a nap. Why are you wearing rapper's wear circa 1987?"
"I don't know, why are you wearing a two-piece bathing suit when you don't even have a top piece to cover?" Buffy pushed her hefty friend into a wall.
"Oh, now the gloves come off. Why did you even need them, were you takin cookies out of the oven?"
"Hey!"
"Why don't you wear a Speedo like when you went out for the swim team? For more laughs, how about you wear the same size you used to be?" Buffy pinched an inch, well, three inches, and Xander recoiled.
"Those things shrink in the wash! Besides, its not like I'm not trying! I'm gonna sweat off my excess weight until I can fit into one of those contraptions!" Xander punched the air weakly, then went into the elevator.
"Maybe you should take-"
"Right, the stairs," he jogged out of the elevator and headed toward the stairwell.
"What a sweet, pudgy guy. He's like the Pillsbury Dough Boy." Buffy opened the door to the stylish yet affordable honeymoon suite. Its beautiful fabrics floated lazily in the breeze, and the floor felt cool to her feet. Buffy heaved a sigh of relief as she flopped onto the bed. She soon fell soundly asleep, despite the sound of screaming, drunken girls flashing their boobies twenty stories below.
"Ok, how about you kiss that girl over there."
"Well," Dawn's hair whispered to her, "Come over here girl!"
"Are you getting this, Phil?"
"Ohhhhh, yeah."
"Um, hello, anybody? Anybody? Undead sexy vampire in need of sunscreen…He requires assistance…Anybody? Bugger this."
Anya and Tara relaxed on the beach, each reading a book. Anya tipped her sunglasses down to look at the sand below her. She then shook the sand out of her book and closed it. "Tara, whatcha reading?"
"What- Oh." Tara looked down at Anya's non-fiction piece, 'Monetary Management for the Newly Single Expatriated Demon Small Business Owner'.
"You like?"
"They have a book for everything."
"So what's yours?" Tara closed her novel for Anya's pleasure. 'So You've Just Been Brainsucked: A Survivor's Guide Part II'. "Oh, interesting. Do you wish to get wet sand in our swim suits by engaging in a futile attempt to cross an ocean while leaping and pulling back every few seconds to avoid the crushing deluge that approaches periodically?"
"Do I want to go and jump the waves?" Tara blinked at her curious friend.
"Ok." Anya got up and headed to the shoreline.
"But you- and then- Oh forget it," Tara argued with herself before following Anya into the water.
"Alright, now we want you to switch bikinis in the water!"
"I don't know," Dawn said, as she floated in the water, "I'm just a little too-"
"You are eighteen, right? Otherwise you can't be featured." Dawn's hair whispered to her once again.
"Of course. Now lets get naked! Woo-hoo!"
"Whoo-hoo!" The other girls replied as they jumped in to meet her. The camera guys began laughing in excitement, and one cameraman spoke up.
"This is wicked cool. We should win an Emmy," the rest of the crew gave him blank stares, "or at least the soft-core porn video equivalent of an Emmy."
Buffy sat up suddenly in bed. Something moved in the room. It was big, hulking, and reminded her of a tuber, a rutabaga, a-
"Buffy, It's me, Riley." A potato.
"What in the world are you doing at my suite in the Hawaii happy-Fun- super-Excitement Hotel!!" Buffy sat up on the bed, as Riley O'Tool Finn approached her, dressed in full spud gear.
"I'm here to rescue you from Spike, and the coming big Kahuna wave approaching." Buffy blinked her eyes rapidly, too tired to give a 'WTF?' face.
"The big Kahuna?"
"Yeah, a big wave."
"What the hell does a big wave have to do with rescuing me? If the wave was that big, they would evacuate the building."
"But the wave is for surfers. Well, suiciders. No one can ride that thing unless they're crazy."
Willow walked glumly along the road as happy people passed her. Madonna's 'Frozen' seemed to follow her as she limped along. "Hey! Just pass me, you dick!" The rollerblader with his Walkman blasting finally wheeled around her. "Gosh golly gee, how can I win back Tara's heart?"
"Hey, does anyone wanna win back a loved ones' heart?" a local asked while posting a sign-up sheet on a wall nearby.
"I do, I do!"
"The winner of the contest gets a special dance with the one they love, and the deluxe honeymoon suite at the Hawaii Happy-fun-Super-Excitement Hotel!!"
"What's the contest?"
"All you have to do is outsurf all the other surfers when you ride the Big Kahuna."
"Sounds easy enough."
"And no magic."
"How did you know?"
"Spellcaster's Annonymous, clean three years, eleven months, ten days."
"Oh. Do you feel lame about it?"
"Yes. No leave me alone so I can go cry." The man ran away and disappeared into a crowd.
"I'm gonna-"
"win Anya's heart back by riding the Big Kahuna," Xander explained to an overly skeptical Giles, in for his cameo.
"Xander, that's just about the dumbest thing you've ever said to me." Giles got up off his lounge chair and splashed tea all over the sweaty Xander, before exiting the hotel grounds.
"Owww! Who has hot tea in Hawaii? No matter, time for me to get ready." Xander stripped off his sweats to reveal the Xanderbody of old, or young, depending upon how you word it. Words are nice. Anyway, Xander ran over to pick up his board, and began paddling out into the ocean. A few feet behind him Willow trudged over, lifted up her own board, and began making her way toward the breaking waves. They would win back their loves, or die trying.
"Oh my god!" Buffy jumped out of bed.
"What?"
"Xander, Willow, oh crap. Gotta go save my dumbass friends." Buffy ran towards the door.
"But you can't surf, or the big Kahuna will get you!"
"Don't care!"
"Buffy!"
"What?" She spun around and faced him, her hand still on the door.
"Oh, I didn't really think you'd stop."
"And?"
"I don't have anything after, 'Buffy!'"
"Oh. Get bent." Buffy wrenched open the door and ran out.
"Arch your back more!" The cameramen called. "Perfect. Now who wants to bungee-jump topless?"
"Oh, I do, I do!" Dawn's hair called out, unfastening Dawn's top.
"Damn, this video's gonna have to be a box set."
Meanwhile, Anya and Tara had made their way over to the surf contest area, in order to get a feel for the festivities. Enjoy their time and have a relaxing, stress-free experience. "Oh son of a bunny! That thin person looks like Xander on a surfboard!" Anya pointed to her love, who was getting a few wobbly practice rides in.
"And that pale person next to him is Willow!" Tara screamed. "I don't want her to die!"
"I don't want this new Xander to die!"
"I don't want to fry!" came a distant call from poolside at the hotel.
"What was that?" Anya asked.
"I don't know, but I think the contest is beginning! Look!" Indeed, the Big Kahuna had formed, and it was mighty big. Many an experienced surfer was taken down quickly, but coincidentally, or perhaps plot contrivancely, the two ladies' loves remained afloat. Buffy ran up behind them out of breath and smelling like French fries and lack of talent.
"Buffy?"
"Oh God, Moon Xander and- oh, Xander and Willow are surfing the Big Kahuna, but they can't!"
"Apparently they can. Xander has a lot more talent than carpentry and tantric love-making." Tara and Buffy ewwed at Anya's statement, then gasped as a smaller wave threatened to take the surfers out.
"Oh gosh, Xander's gonna fall!"
"No, wait," Tara stopped Buffy, "Willow helped him hop onto her board, now she's surfing with him on her board!" Indeed, a close-up of the two in front of a badly stitched together montage of a wave they were supposedly riding revealed that Thin!Xander was sitting atop Willow's shoulders as she rode in to victory.
"Yay, we did it!" Xander shouted as he climbed off his friend and ran to his love, and Anya. "Crispy Crème, I love you. Anya, I love you!"
"You had us all so worried! I was so scared! I'm exclamation pointing all over the place!" They kissed passionately as Willow approached her lesbian love.
"Hi."
"You did it!" Tara hugged her in a very gay way. But since it was all about Buffy, she piped in.
"Willow, you were amazing! You were Gidget! You were Willow/Gidget! You were Widget!" The ladies gave her an odd look.
"I was an early nineties cartoon about a magical alien?" Tara giggled and they kissed, deeply, with monster tongue, with lots of groping. Lots.
"Hey," Xander began as he and Anya rejoined the group, "this is fantastic! Now lets go to the hotel and get some sex."
"Xander, I have to get back to the DoubleMeat."
"And we have to get back to school."
"And I have to touch some money. Money, money, money…"Anya panted.
"And what about Dawn?" At the sound of her name, the teen walked into view.
"Hi guys."
"Dawn, why are you so quiet?"
"Oh, I've had enough attention for one day. Lets just go home."
"Are you sure?" Buffy reached out a hand, and her sister jumped back defensively.
"Don't touch me!" The six group members made their way back to the hotel to collect their things, and get reimbursement for the loss of the super-deluxe suite at the Hawaii Happy-Fun-super-Excitement Hotel!!!, going right past an extremely dusty chaise lounge.
Weeks later, the Scoobies settled in for a night of TV watching at the Summers' home. Buffy walked in carrying a bowl of popcorn, and offered it to Xander.
"No way, I'm keeping my trim figure."
"And I love it. Its so less puffy and bunnylike." Anya and he rubbed noses.
"Aww, I'm so happy you guys made up so well."
"Speaking of," Dawn inquired, "where's Tara and Willow?"
"Upstairs, having raucous sex with Amy." (Screw you, WB!)
"Oh."
"Well, Spike's disappeared, Giles made an appearance, Riley got cursed at, Dawn's been good, and you guys are all happy again. Life just couldn't be more perfectly set up for another downfall." Buffy flipped the channel onto a commercial, where a wild voice over announcer was heard.
"You liked them in Vegas, New Orleans and Cancun. Now try them in Hawaii. Girls Gone Wild IV is the greatest video ever, just hear one of our girls scream about it!"
"Get out, get out, get me out of my bra!" The TV turned off.
The end.
"Now this is the life," Buffy sighed as she relaxed on the chaise lounge at the hotel, the sun beating down on her slim body.
"Or unlife, luv," Spike chuckled as he entwined his hand in Buffy's.
"I'd wish you'd say my name."
"What do you mean, Goldilocks?" Spike turned to face his new bride, whose children's size two bathing suit hung loosely on her body.
"I mean, we're husband and wife. And I have a name. Using it would be nice." Buffy smiled at her hubby, whose caked on sunscreen was beginning to peel.
"Well then, since we're married, we should be shaggin right now. Are we? No. Marriage won't change me. I'll always be a rebel."
"Um, yeah, ok," Buffy deepened her voice as she spoke in a severely sarcastic tone, "You sure are tough."
"What's that supposed to mean, baby?"
"Uh, nothing. Listen, I'm gonna go up to the hotel, you just sit, and take this," Buffy squirted yet another entire bottle of her personal stash of vanilla scented SPF 40 sunscreen on her new spouse, then left him to go up to the honeymoon suite.
"Hmmm…Now what do I do?" Spike tapped his fingers against a glass table, which reflected the sun's rays and began burning the underside of his forearm. "Oww!" Spike pulled his arm back and began shaking nervously. "I'm gonna need some more sunscreen."
Buffy strolled through the garden of the Hawaii happy-fun-super- excitement Hotel! before entering the lobby of the hotel, a flower in her blonde? hair. She walked calmly and quickly to the elevators, but stopped once she saw her friends.
"Buffy!" Anya called, as she ran over to her small friend while holding her rainbow kerchief over her head.
"Anya! I love your little bandana thing."
"Bandana? This is my hair," Anya replied as she ran her fingers through her multicolored locks, "Festive, right? I couldn't decide what color for the week so I decided on all of them!"
"That's…interesting. Willow, Tara!" The two lesbians, one witchy, one not so witchy, ran up to their tiny gal pal and gave her a hug. Tara wore a dark green sarong, and Willow wore something ugly. They both stepped back and giggled.
"Buffy, you look great," Tara complimented her friend, "are you headed toward the buffet?"
"Um, no. Actually I just wanted to get a book to read. Any suggestions?"
"How about 'Jews for Jesus'?" Willow offered.
"Very funny, Will. Any other ideas?"
"The 'Left Behind' series is fantastic. It talks about how all those who aren't a particular religion are left behind after the rapture, and life for them becomes hell on earth!" Willow's eyes glowed as she spoke, which made it hard for Buffy to-
"What the hell? I went to hea-ven, and I'm agnostic."
"You still sure you weren't in a hell dimension?" Willow prodded.
"How about we drop the subject and you go and get some sun on you. You look like a vampire. Without the sexy abs and sexy accent and sexy sex and…" Buffy trailed off as her mouth began to overflow with drool.
"Hey, Horny the Vampire Layer, I don't think the hotel staff wants you having orgasms in the middle of a hotel lobby," Anya interjected.
"But we do!" Five men with video cameras appeared out of nowhere.
"Who are you?"
"The 'Girls Gone Wild' camera crew. You said orgasm in public place and we came a runnin. Now who wants to take their top off?" At this inappropriate sentence, Dawn entered the room.
"Hi Buffy."
"Hi Dawnie."
"Ooo, camera crew. What do I have to do to get myself on film?" Dawn sauntered over to the men in a flouncy way, only to be stopped by Buffy.
"No. You do not want to know what they want," Buffy cautioned her shiny-haired sister, before turning her attention back to the camera crew, "You can go now. No one here wants all this attention." At the sound of the word 'attention', a light bulb clicked on above Dawn's head, and she quickly excused herself, flouncing in the direction the camera crew went.
"Buffy, do you want to come with us to get something to eat?" Tara inquired once more.
"No, I'm fine, really. You guys go and have a gay ol' time," Buffy then turned to Anya, "except you, of course- Wait- oh damn, not what I meant. Not what I meant." She put her head in her hands.
"Its ok. I'm not gay. I'd continue to rhyme, but its beach hitting time." Anya pat Buffy's back and walked out into the sun. Willow and Tara held hands, then let go, then held hands, then let go, then giggled, when suddenly, out of the blue, Willow screamed.
"Hey! WB! We're not on your damn channel anymore so stop screwing with us!" Almost immediately the two ladies were on the floor, rolling and making out. Buffy carefully stepped over them and entered the elevator.
"Gosh, this is going to be some Hawaii honeymoon." Ominous yet quirky elevator music played as the elevator ascended, but not in a Mayor-y way.
"Ahh, this sun feels great, right, Willow?" Tara spun around, looking for her ex flamed/current flame/ something flame, and found her at the edge of shadows from the hotel lobby's overhang. "Come on, the sun won't hurt you. Remember, we rubbed in that sunscreen before we left. Now you-you-you need to come out of the shadows."
"Well you spent your life there."
"That was a song. It was metaphorical."
"Metaphor sounds like magic," Willow jittered.
"No, it doe-doe-doesn't. Now please come out with me."
"But everyone knows I'm GAY! GAY! GAY!" Willow jazz-handed her way into the light, as a group of stereotypical lesbians in Island-gear began dancing behind her, and a band playing 'Special Tropical Vacation Episode!' music jammed over to the side. "I am so gay- I tell everyone that every day! You may not like that but its ok- I won't listen to what you have to say- Why?- Cuz I'm gay!" Willow hula'd around the patio, and leapt onto a table.
"Oh dear goddess."
"Many people think that I may just be bi-And that a boy's thingy I should try-But I would rather die- Cuz I'm gay and that's no lie!" A steel drum was brought in and Willow and the Addictettes altered their dance to a more Caribbean flavor, mon.
"What the hell is Willow doing?" Anya asked as she approached Tara.
"I don't know. But it frightens me."
"How frightening?"
"Like bunnies."
"Oh dear."
"When I see my Tara baby-"
"Ooo-ooo" The Addictettes cooed.
"Sweet merciful Athena, I do not like where this rhyme is going."
"And she says she loves me maybe-"
"Ooo-ooo"
"I don't get it," Anya held Tara's arm, "What's so bad about it?"
"I'll never play you like a toy from Kay-bee"
"Ooo-ooo"
"But I just want to touch your labi-"
"Enough!" Tara grabbed Willow's arm and pulled her off the table.
"Hey! We just about to get to the part with a hoop of fire that I jump through!" Willow yelled at the witch, then ran off, careful to stay in the shadows. Anya walked over to the dejected, earth-toned woman, and gave her a hug in an ex-demony way.
"There, there, Tara. I'm sure Willow will be back to normal soon. Well, normal for Willow."
"I guess. I-I-I'm just so worried she might fall of the wagon now."
"That always confused me."
"What did?"
"The 'on the wagon' thing. Traditionally ale would be carried by cart or wagon, so one would assume that being 'on the wagon' would entail drinking the ale, wouldn't it? Unless the wine was somehow chasing you, and you needed the speed of a wagon to escape. But then if a bottle of wine had legs with which to run drinking would be the least of my problems…" Anya looked around her, noticing a distinct lack of Tara. "Hey!"
"Hey, catch a load of these!" Dawn screamed as she lifted up her baby Tee.
"Oh yeah, baby! Now go and press them against that girl over there."
"Um…"Dawn whispered into her hair, and her hair and her brain came to a decision quickly, "Ok!"
Buffy hopped out of the elevator as it stopped at her floor. "La-la-la—la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la—Oh I can't get Spike out of my head- " The door swished open to reveal Xander, wearing a baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants.
"Buffy? Why aren't you downstairs with Spike, perhaps squirting baby oil on him or giving him on of those metal reflector thingies?"
"Very funny, Xander. I'm actually a little pooped, so I'm gonna take a nap. Why are you wearing rapper's wear circa 1987?"
"I don't know, why are you wearing a two-piece bathing suit when you don't even have a top piece to cover?" Buffy pushed her hefty friend into a wall.
"Oh, now the gloves come off. Why did you even need them, were you takin cookies out of the oven?"
"Hey!"
"Why don't you wear a Speedo like when you went out for the swim team? For more laughs, how about you wear the same size you used to be?" Buffy pinched an inch, well, three inches, and Xander recoiled.
"Those things shrink in the wash! Besides, its not like I'm not trying! I'm gonna sweat off my excess weight until I can fit into one of those contraptions!" Xander punched the air weakly, then went into the elevator.
"Maybe you should take-"
"Right, the stairs," he jogged out of the elevator and headed toward the stairwell.
"What a sweet, pudgy guy. He's like the Pillsbury Dough Boy." Buffy opened the door to the stylish yet affordable honeymoon suite. Its beautiful fabrics floated lazily in the breeze, and the floor felt cool to her feet. Buffy heaved a sigh of relief as she flopped onto the bed. She soon fell soundly asleep, despite the sound of screaming, drunken girls flashing their boobies twenty stories below.
"Ok, how about you kiss that girl over there."
"Well," Dawn's hair whispered to her, "Come over here girl!"
"Are you getting this, Phil?"
"Ohhhhh, yeah."
"Um, hello, anybody? Anybody? Undead sexy vampire in need of sunscreen…He requires assistance…Anybody? Bugger this."
Anya and Tara relaxed on the beach, each reading a book. Anya tipped her sunglasses down to look at the sand below her. She then shook the sand out of her book and closed it. "Tara, whatcha reading?"
"What- Oh." Tara looked down at Anya's non-fiction piece, 'Monetary Management for the Newly Single Expatriated Demon Small Business Owner'.
"You like?"
"They have a book for everything."
"So what's yours?" Tara closed her novel for Anya's pleasure. 'So You've Just Been Brainsucked: A Survivor's Guide Part II'. "Oh, interesting. Do you wish to get wet sand in our swim suits by engaging in a futile attempt to cross an ocean while leaping and pulling back every few seconds to avoid the crushing deluge that approaches periodically?"
"Do I want to go and jump the waves?" Tara blinked at her curious friend.
"Ok." Anya got up and headed to the shoreline.
"But you- and then- Oh forget it," Tara argued with herself before following Anya into the water.
"Alright, now we want you to switch bikinis in the water!"
"I don't know," Dawn said, as she floated in the water, "I'm just a little too-"
"You are eighteen, right? Otherwise you can't be featured." Dawn's hair whispered to her once again.
"Of course. Now lets get naked! Woo-hoo!"
"Whoo-hoo!" The other girls replied as they jumped in to meet her. The camera guys began laughing in excitement, and one cameraman spoke up.
"This is wicked cool. We should win an Emmy," the rest of the crew gave him blank stares, "or at least the soft-core porn video equivalent of an Emmy."
Buffy sat up suddenly in bed. Something moved in the room. It was big, hulking, and reminded her of a tuber, a rutabaga, a-
"Buffy, It's me, Riley." A potato.
"What in the world are you doing at my suite in the Hawaii happy-Fun- super-Excitement Hotel!!" Buffy sat up on the bed, as Riley O'Tool Finn approached her, dressed in full spud gear.
"I'm here to rescue you from Spike, and the coming big Kahuna wave approaching." Buffy blinked her eyes rapidly, too tired to give a 'WTF?' face.
"The big Kahuna?"
"Yeah, a big wave."
"What the hell does a big wave have to do with rescuing me? If the wave was that big, they would evacuate the building."
"But the wave is for surfers. Well, suiciders. No one can ride that thing unless they're crazy."
Willow walked glumly along the road as happy people passed her. Madonna's 'Frozen' seemed to follow her as she limped along. "Hey! Just pass me, you dick!" The rollerblader with his Walkman blasting finally wheeled around her. "Gosh golly gee, how can I win back Tara's heart?"
"Hey, does anyone wanna win back a loved ones' heart?" a local asked while posting a sign-up sheet on a wall nearby.
"I do, I do!"
"The winner of the contest gets a special dance with the one they love, and the deluxe honeymoon suite at the Hawaii Happy-fun-Super-Excitement Hotel!!"
"What's the contest?"
"All you have to do is outsurf all the other surfers when you ride the Big Kahuna."
"Sounds easy enough."
"And no magic."
"How did you know?"
"Spellcaster's Annonymous, clean three years, eleven months, ten days."
"Oh. Do you feel lame about it?"
"Yes. No leave me alone so I can go cry." The man ran away and disappeared into a crowd.
"I'm gonna-"
"win Anya's heart back by riding the Big Kahuna," Xander explained to an overly skeptical Giles, in for his cameo.
"Xander, that's just about the dumbest thing you've ever said to me." Giles got up off his lounge chair and splashed tea all over the sweaty Xander, before exiting the hotel grounds.
"Owww! Who has hot tea in Hawaii? No matter, time for me to get ready." Xander stripped off his sweats to reveal the Xanderbody of old, or young, depending upon how you word it. Words are nice. Anyway, Xander ran over to pick up his board, and began paddling out into the ocean. A few feet behind him Willow trudged over, lifted up her own board, and began making her way toward the breaking waves. They would win back their loves, or die trying.
"Oh my god!" Buffy jumped out of bed.
"What?"
"Xander, Willow, oh crap. Gotta go save my dumbass friends." Buffy ran towards the door.
"But you can't surf, or the big Kahuna will get you!"
"Don't care!"
"Buffy!"
"What?" She spun around and faced him, her hand still on the door.
"Oh, I didn't really think you'd stop."
"And?"
"I don't have anything after, 'Buffy!'"
"Oh. Get bent." Buffy wrenched open the door and ran out.
"Arch your back more!" The cameramen called. "Perfect. Now who wants to bungee-jump topless?"
"Oh, I do, I do!" Dawn's hair called out, unfastening Dawn's top.
"Damn, this video's gonna have to be a box set."
Meanwhile, Anya and Tara had made their way over to the surf contest area, in order to get a feel for the festivities. Enjoy their time and have a relaxing, stress-free experience. "Oh son of a bunny! That thin person looks like Xander on a surfboard!" Anya pointed to her love, who was getting a few wobbly practice rides in.
"And that pale person next to him is Willow!" Tara screamed. "I don't want her to die!"
"I don't want this new Xander to die!"
"I don't want to fry!" came a distant call from poolside at the hotel.
"What was that?" Anya asked.
"I don't know, but I think the contest is beginning! Look!" Indeed, the Big Kahuna had formed, and it was mighty big. Many an experienced surfer was taken down quickly, but coincidentally, or perhaps plot contrivancely, the two ladies' loves remained afloat. Buffy ran up behind them out of breath and smelling like French fries and lack of talent.
"Buffy?"
"Oh God, Moon Xander and- oh, Xander and Willow are surfing the Big Kahuna, but they can't!"
"Apparently they can. Xander has a lot more talent than carpentry and tantric love-making." Tara and Buffy ewwed at Anya's statement, then gasped as a smaller wave threatened to take the surfers out.
"Oh gosh, Xander's gonna fall!"
"No, wait," Tara stopped Buffy, "Willow helped him hop onto her board, now she's surfing with him on her board!" Indeed, a close-up of the two in front of a badly stitched together montage of a wave they were supposedly riding revealed that Thin!Xander was sitting atop Willow's shoulders as she rode in to victory.
"Yay, we did it!" Xander shouted as he climbed off his friend and ran to his love, and Anya. "Crispy Crème, I love you. Anya, I love you!"
"You had us all so worried! I was so scared! I'm exclamation pointing all over the place!" They kissed passionately as Willow approached her lesbian love.
"Hi."
"You did it!" Tara hugged her in a very gay way. But since it was all about Buffy, she piped in.
"Willow, you were amazing! You were Gidget! You were Willow/Gidget! You were Widget!" The ladies gave her an odd look.
"I was an early nineties cartoon about a magical alien?" Tara giggled and they kissed, deeply, with monster tongue, with lots of groping. Lots.
"Hey," Xander began as he and Anya rejoined the group, "this is fantastic! Now lets go to the hotel and get some sex."
"Xander, I have to get back to the DoubleMeat."
"And we have to get back to school."
"And I have to touch some money. Money, money, money…"Anya panted.
"And what about Dawn?" At the sound of her name, the teen walked into view.
"Hi guys."
"Dawn, why are you so quiet?"
"Oh, I've had enough attention for one day. Lets just go home."
"Are you sure?" Buffy reached out a hand, and her sister jumped back defensively.
"Don't touch me!" The six group members made their way back to the hotel to collect their things, and get reimbursement for the loss of the super-deluxe suite at the Hawaii Happy-Fun-super-Excitement Hotel!!!, going right past an extremely dusty chaise lounge.
Weeks later, the Scoobies settled in for a night of TV watching at the Summers' home. Buffy walked in carrying a bowl of popcorn, and offered it to Xander.
"No way, I'm keeping my trim figure."
"And I love it. Its so less puffy and bunnylike." Anya and he rubbed noses.
"Aww, I'm so happy you guys made up so well."
"Speaking of," Dawn inquired, "where's Tara and Willow?"
"Upstairs, having raucous sex with Amy." (Screw you, WB!)
"Oh."
"Well, Spike's disappeared, Giles made an appearance, Riley got cursed at, Dawn's been good, and you guys are all happy again. Life just couldn't be more perfectly set up for another downfall." Buffy flipped the channel onto a commercial, where a wild voice over announcer was heard.
"You liked them in Vegas, New Orleans and Cancun. Now try them in Hawaii. Girls Gone Wild IV is the greatest video ever, just hear one of our girls scream about it!"
"Get out, get out, get me out of my bra!" The TV turned off.
The end.