Chapter 21: Standing On The Edge

The sight of her petite, hauntingly familiar russet-haired figure had stopped him on his tracks, and Nicholas calmly informed himself that it was time he arranged an appointment with a good psychiatrist… because his dreams had began manifesting themselves as full-fledged hallucinations. Not only was he wide awake, he was seeing the Suzaku no Miko standing on the opposite side of the street, as if she was still alive.

It was impossible. She was dead…he'd felt her die.

Yet, there she was, standing there in broad daylight. He had been on his way to his office, studying a proposal for what had been termed politely as a 'strategic merger' between two companies, when her unmistakable chi had drawn his attention as surely as a slap in the face; the unique power signature which defined Suzaku's priestess was like a beacon. Every single one of his senses told him that what he was seeing was not an illusion, unless…all of them were playing tricks on him simultaneously. Possible, but extremely unlikely.

Just then, almost as if she had sensed his presence, she had abruptly turned and stared straight at him with those luminous hazel eyes of hers.

In that single moment, he understood everything.

He wasn't hallucinating, and he certainly wasn't going crazy. It was true that he had felt her death and had undeniably felt the pain of the bond he had shared with her as it had been ripped away. By all counts, she HAD died. Except the problem was, he had not stayed around long enough to see what had happened after that…The last piece of the perplexing puzzle fell into place when, all at once, he recalled Suzaku seikun's visit from so many weeks prior, and more importantly, the cryptic words the red-haired god had spoken

(Miaka has served me well. She was a true priestess of the phoenix…never forget that. One day, you will understand…)

His eyes narrowed, Of course. Even back then, Suzaku had been hinting that nothing could be taken for granted, not even death. Miaka was Suzaku's beloved priestess…and Suzaku was the phoenix, the legendary creature which would die and be consumed by flames, only to rise again from the ashes…reborn in all its glory.

The muscles in his jaw tightened as feelings that he had thought to be safely locked away behind the impenetrable shell of ice surrounding his soul forced themselves through the cracks which had appeared. Nicholas ruthlessly suppressed all the tumultuous emotions which were threatening to break free, determined not to let her see how strongly the sight of her was affecting him. While he was doing that, he worked on restraining his temper as well…She had been the cause of all the unpleasant dreams he'd experienced over the past weeks, when he believed that she was dead, only to find out now that she had indeed been alive all this while. Gods, he hated surprises.

And he was furious at her, for doing this to him. Ever since he had come to know her, it had been an emotional rollercoaster straight from Day One…needless to say, he was not enjoying the ride. She made him feel things he did not want to feel, forcing him to handle emotions he was ill-equipped to deal with. Everyone else, he pushed away when they got too close, but somehow, she had managed to slip under his defenses, and he had been unable to shake her loose…

Outwardly impassive, he watched her as she approached with genuine joy glowing in her eyes and a trembling smile on her lips. The rational side of him was telling him to do something while he still could, to turn away and never look back. You need to leave now, his mental voice reminded him ominously, you know what always happens when you start caring about someone. Everyone he had ever truly cared about was dead, and given history's fondness for repeating itself, chances were that she would be no different from the others. The first time they had met in Kutou, he had tried to kill her and had come very close to doing so; that last time when they had been there, he had succeeded. He had already caused her death once; and once, was more than enough.

Suzaku had given her a second chance. It would seem a pity to waste it. No doubt she would be safer without him. Her family and friends would keep her out of trouble…and she had her precious Tamahome to protect her.

Clenching his fist around the handle of the attaché case he was holding so tightly that it dug painfully into his palm, Nicholas only barely managed to prevent himself from crushing the sheaf of papers in his other hand. His entire body was tensed as he silently admitted something which he had suspected but had never been able to bring himself to acknowledge. He had always made it a point to be uncompromisingly honest with himself…but these past weeks, he'd been hiding from himself and from what he now knew with icy certainty to be the truth.

Despite her apparent ditziness, she had managed to impress him, time and time again, with her bravery, her ability to forgive unconditionally, and the way she went about overcoming impossible odds with a determination he had never seen anywhere else…he had always been intrigued by how such a small girl could possess such unbelievable strength of spirit. That moment in Kutou when she had looked up at him, the dagger buried deep in her body, and told him how glad she was that he had been released from kodoku's influence…she had touched a part of his soul that he'd not even known existed. No, she did a great deal more than that, he amended darkly; somewhere along the way when he had not been paying attention, the little waif had wrapped her delicate hands around his heart and ensnared him with those huge, expressive hazel eyes…and she had never let go, not even when she'd died.

Enjoy your conquest, dear Suzaku no Miko, he mused bitterly.

He was a fool. Perhaps an even bigger fool than Tamahome, because he had thought that he was different from everyone else, lulled into the false security that he was somehow better than the Suzaku seishi. He had been too confident in his own abilities, too blind to see what was happening until it had been too late…Truly pathetic indeed, he wondered whether the fates had decided to punish him for everything he had done to the Suzaku no Miko and her seishi by making him the butt of a spectacular cosmic joke. If that was the case, he was probably the only one who wasn't laughing.

Damn her.

He damned her for making it so easy to love her.

And then he damned himself, for being fool enough to fall in love with her.

She stared up at the tall, imposing blonde man in front of her, wondering at the frown which passed fleetingly over his features before his face took up its usual unperturbed expression. The fact that he was dressed in what was obviously an expensive designer suit and tie did not help matters either…it just made him appear all the more intimidating. He doesn't seem glad to see me…she thought in dismay. Of course not, Baka! another part of her mind sneered derisively, To him, you've been DEAD for weeks! How would you like it if someone sprung a surprise like that on you? And this is NAKAGO, for heaven's sake…surely you don't expect him to start smiling and hugging you like there's no tomorrow? She swallowed nervously, "I…uh…It's good to see you again," she said in a small voice.

He said nothing for a long moment, and his silence was nerve-wrecking. She watched the colour of his eyes shift from silver to blue and then back again. A muscle in his jaw twitched before he finally seemed to acknowledge the fact that she had spoken to him.

"I see you're alive and well, Suzaku no Miko." He addressed her in cool, precise tones, adding just the slightest hint of emphasis to the word 'alive' and somehow succeeded in making the innocuous words sound painfully sarcastic.

Miaka searched his face, wondering what he was thinking about. Unfortunately, the expressionless mask which was firmly in place worked as well as it always had, giving her no clue as to the nature of his thoughts. He looks tired, she could not help noticing, concern for him immediately rushing to the fore. It did not escape her notice either, that even pale with fatigue and eyes shadowed, he was still extremely handsome…All at once, her heart began to race as the memory of them standing by the river and how it felt like to be kissed by him flashed vividly through her mind. She remembered how afraid she had been during the time when he had been poisoned with Kodoku…the very idea of losing him had terrified her. When had she begun feeling this way about him? When had she started looking at him like someone she could… love? Masaka…she thought despairingly as her heart sank, I CAN'T…I just can't be—

The sound of his deep voice jolted her out of her increasingly panicked thoughts. "Looks like your pet seishi is coming this way in search of you," he observed dryly, the corners of his mouth curled into one of his patented mocking smirks, while his silver-blue eyes flicked momentarily to a point somewhere behind her.

For some reason she could not identify, she thought that the smirk looked strained, almost as though he was forcing it. "Nakago, I—"

"—have to go. Tamahome is looking for you." Nicholas finished smoothly for her and fixed her with an inscrutable blue stare. It was time. This has to end here, now. A clean break, before it is too late, he decided with grim finality, harshly clamping down on the last vestiges of wayward regret. The longer he stayed, the harder it would be to for him to leave. He would push her away, pretending that he didn't care…For her own good, he would hurt her just this once more and disappear out of her life.

He was convinced that it was for the best anyway. If she ever found out about his newly discovered feelings towards her, it would complicate things and be unfair and painful for all parties concerned. He refused to do that to her; she'd already endured enough grief and hardship—a large part of which had been inflicted by him—to last a lifetime …and most of all, he refused to do that to himself; Miaka loved Tamahome (they had been destined for each other it seemed), and Nicholas wasn't going to stay around and play second fiddle. It was a novel experience for him…for the first time in his life, the one girl he wanted was the very same one he could never have. The thought served to harden his resolve, bringing with it the return to logic and a wry sense of peace. He did love her, he realised, but he could also learn to live without her. It would be similar to living with one leg or one kidney, it wasn't going to be comfortable and it certainly wasn't preferable to living with two…

But there wasn't any other way. It was something that had to be done. For her, for himself.

Shiawase, Miaka. I wish you happiness.

"Goodbye, Miaka," he heard himself say calmly without inflection, keeping his voice deliberately neutral to keep her from suspecting anything out of the ordinary. He knew that she saw him as a friend, and that she would be upset, maybe even angry at him for leaving without a word, but if she stayed true to her nature, she would forgive him…eventually. After all, she'd forgiven him for worse transgressions. He did not mind her being angry at him, at least she would be alive and happy with Tamahome.

Swiftly turning on his heel, Nicholas walked away from her, leaving everything he had come to love standing alone in the middle of the pavement.

She stared after Nakago in stunned silence, barely registering the fact that Taka had appeared by her side.

Taka gently placed a hand on her shoulder, trying to bring her out of the trance-like state she seemed to have fallen into. He glanced around, searching for the cause of her condition; his violet eyes narrowing abruptly when he thought he caught a glimpse of blonde hair. "Miaka, are you okay?" he inquired softly. Everyone had been worried about her for the last few weeks, and he was no different. She always had a sad expression on her face when she thought that no one was looking, but now, she looked…shell-shocked.

She did not respond. In truth, she did not even hear him. The only thing Miaka could hear were Nakago's parting words to her, echoing in her ears, replaying themselves over and over again in her mind.

(Goodbye, Miaka.)

Goodbye…he had said goodbye. Just like in her dream.

Nakago knew how much she hated goodbyes. She had told him once before, that friends never said goodbye to each other. Suddenly, with frightening clarity, Miaka realised that if she did not go after him, if she were to let him walk away this time…she would never see him again. Nakago would make sure of that…she would not be able to find him if he did not wish to be found.

She had to make a choice. Here and now. One, the reincarnation of the person whom she had fallen in love with in the Book of the Four Gods. Kind and considerate, he'd always been so gentle with her…and he'd searched for her all his life, holding out the promise of unconditional love to her if she wanted it. The other, a man who had turned her best friend against her and who had tried to kill her more than once. Cold, aloof and arrogant; Nakago never spared her feelings, forcing her to face truths that she did not always want to face and pushing her to be better than herself.

She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath…

The choice was that simple.

Notes:

1) Egads! It has finally happened! This has been the hardest chapter I've ever had to write, because Nakago/Nicholas having feelings for anyone is difficult to express in words and it's so easy to make him out-of-character if one isn't careful. I tried to incorporate the logical, controlled aspects of his personality with how I envisioned him handling the entire realisation of his feelings towards the Suzaku no Miko. Sorry about the lack of WAFF, but Nakago and waff just don't mix. I'd truly like some comments from everyone on how you think I handled it. Loved it? Hated it? Flaming criticism is welcome!

2) A "strategic merger" is sometimes used as a polite term for "hostile takeover"… Erm...Business humour. My ambition is to have a job like Nicholas…Yep, my friends think I'm weird too.

3) Who is Miaka going to choose? Your guess is as good as mine!