Dutch Schaefer crouched in the undergrowth of the jungle. He was not
happy. A strange creature had hunted down and murdered his squad. He was
covered in foul-smelling mud that seemed to hide him from the Thing. He
had just spent several hours putting up traps in the jungle to catch the
Thing, or at least slow it down – and he now had at least five splinters in
every finger.
And now he was crouching in the undergrowth, waiting. And just where the f**k was that Thing anyway? A man could die of pneumonia covered in cold mud like this. Still, it would be worth it to see the look on It's face when that tree trunk came down and – except no, wait, the creature was wearing some kind of mask, so Dutch would be denied even this small satisfaction. Well, f**k.
Suddenly, a movement in the sky caught Dutch's attention. He craned his neck to see what had caused the movement, and was surprised by what he saw. A long silver ship was descending quietly and gracefully, sprouting long legs to perch upon as it landed.
"What the f…?" he whispered in awe. Was this the Thing's ship? Did It come from outer space?
A ramp extended itself slowly from the ship. Light streamed out of the open hatchway, and a tall alien figure was silhouetted in the hatchway.
The alien walked down the ramp with the stately air of one who knows one's job and knows it well. A glance around the immediate surroundings was enough to assure the alien that this was indeed Dutch Schaefer's location. It spotted him in seconds and started to stalk toward him.
Dutch was paralysed – not with fear, but with confusion. ANOTHER Thing? This one was totally different to Dutch's hunter. It was about the same height, but had a flattened head and slitty eyes. It wore golden robes that nicely complemented its pale grey-green skin.
Dutch boggled at it.
The alien, whose name was Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, consulted its clipboard.
"Are you Dutch Schaefer?" it rasped. Dutch nodded mutely, and shook his head to clear his muddled thoughts.
"Uhhh … yea," he said. The alien nodded efficiently.
"You're a jerk, Schaefer," it said, "a complete asshole."
Dutch stared in shock. Was this really happening? Had he just been insulted by E.T.'s ruder older brother?
Wowbagger nodded again, and ticked something off on his clipboard. Then he turned around and stalked toward his ship. He didn't get very far before Dutch, with a furious battle cry, slammed into him. Gosh, but these Earth- creatures have bad tempers, he thought, can't they stand criticism?
Dutch slammed his fists into Wowbagger's face and body over and over as he sat on his alien chest, pinning him to the ground. Wowbagger didn't really mind. It hurt like hell, but he couldn't exactly die could he? This was the source of his bitterness, the reason he made it his job to insult every living creature – in alphabetical order.
After some time, and a thoroughly good beating, Dutch rolled over, exhausted. All those traps, all those punches – they had taken their toll. Wowbagger simply stood up, dusted himself down, and hobbled back to his ship. He paused at the doorway, turned round.
"Fag!" he shouted to Dutch, adjusted his clipboard appropriately, and entered the ship, which took off slowly and gracefully.
Dutch sat up. At least that was taken care of, he thought, as he looked down at himself. He noted that most of the mud had slipped off his body during his ass-kicking session with Wowbagger. What had the mud been for again? And what were those three little red dots on his chest?
"Oh F – "
BANG
And now he was crouching in the undergrowth, waiting. And just where the f**k was that Thing anyway? A man could die of pneumonia covered in cold mud like this. Still, it would be worth it to see the look on It's face when that tree trunk came down and – except no, wait, the creature was wearing some kind of mask, so Dutch would be denied even this small satisfaction. Well, f**k.
Suddenly, a movement in the sky caught Dutch's attention. He craned his neck to see what had caused the movement, and was surprised by what he saw. A long silver ship was descending quietly and gracefully, sprouting long legs to perch upon as it landed.
"What the f…?" he whispered in awe. Was this the Thing's ship? Did It come from outer space?
A ramp extended itself slowly from the ship. Light streamed out of the open hatchway, and a tall alien figure was silhouetted in the hatchway.
The alien walked down the ramp with the stately air of one who knows one's job and knows it well. A glance around the immediate surroundings was enough to assure the alien that this was indeed Dutch Schaefer's location. It spotted him in seconds and started to stalk toward him.
Dutch was paralysed – not with fear, but with confusion. ANOTHER Thing? This one was totally different to Dutch's hunter. It was about the same height, but had a flattened head and slitty eyes. It wore golden robes that nicely complemented its pale grey-green skin.
Dutch boggled at it.
The alien, whose name was Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, consulted its clipboard.
"Are you Dutch Schaefer?" it rasped. Dutch nodded mutely, and shook his head to clear his muddled thoughts.
"Uhhh … yea," he said. The alien nodded efficiently.
"You're a jerk, Schaefer," it said, "a complete asshole."
Dutch stared in shock. Was this really happening? Had he just been insulted by E.T.'s ruder older brother?
Wowbagger nodded again, and ticked something off on his clipboard. Then he turned around and stalked toward his ship. He didn't get very far before Dutch, with a furious battle cry, slammed into him. Gosh, but these Earth- creatures have bad tempers, he thought, can't they stand criticism?
Dutch slammed his fists into Wowbagger's face and body over and over as he sat on his alien chest, pinning him to the ground. Wowbagger didn't really mind. It hurt like hell, but he couldn't exactly die could he? This was the source of his bitterness, the reason he made it his job to insult every living creature – in alphabetical order.
After some time, and a thoroughly good beating, Dutch rolled over, exhausted. All those traps, all those punches – they had taken their toll. Wowbagger simply stood up, dusted himself down, and hobbled back to his ship. He paused at the doorway, turned round.
"Fag!" he shouted to Dutch, adjusted his clipboard appropriately, and entered the ship, which took off slowly and gracefully.
Dutch sat up. At least that was taken care of, he thought, as he looked down at himself. He noted that most of the mud had slipped off his body during his ass-kicking session with Wowbagger. What had the mud been for again? And what were those three little red dots on his chest?
"Oh F – "
BANG