Chapter 8 - I Love It When You Call Me Big Pappa
(AN - SO SORRY for the lack of work on this fic! I had THE WORST case of writer's block in history! But, Road Trip! will be finished by the end of the week, I promise!)
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It was the pinching, Squall decided, that was the worst. Oh yes, the fondling, the groping, the caressing, and the licking were all rancid in thier own right, but by far the pinching hurt the most.
"Heh hoo, I can get all his leg fat in two fingers," Roseanne gushed, grabbing said fat in between her titanic fingers. Another blood vessel popped as she squeezed his leg. Suddenly, she let go as the clock let out ten long rings. She turned to Squall and lifted his abused body up on her shoulder.
"Let's go girls!"
* * *
"Laguna! Hey! Over here!" Rinoa cried out as they ran to Squall's dead beat dad.
"Rinoa?!" the older man yelped, taking a step back as she and Zell approached. "What are you soing here?!"
"It's Squall! He- hey wait a second," Zell started. He gave Laguna a once- over and stopped to think. "Something's different here . . ."
"No, no, nothing's different . . ." Laguna said, hiding the cane he was holding. His giant fur coat shifted with his weight, and he almost stepped on it with his massive platform shoes.
"You look like a pimp!" Rinoa said, shocked. Laguna rubbed the back of his head.
"Oh no, you got it all wrong. See, there's this, uh, costume party, and, uh- " Laguna was cut off by a shriek. A woman in scantily clad clothing was making her way over the the trio. Thigh high boots and gold jewelry clanked as she approached.
"Mmm, Big Pappa? I gots the money, I know it's a bit late, but I gots it! I says to him I says, "Yous better hand over the Gil or my pimp gonna stab yo' white ass!" she said, flicking a cigarette and pulling a wad of cash out of her bra. She handed it to Laguna. Rinoa and Zell stared wide-eyed at the scene.
"Yeah, yeah, be on time from on now! You want your crack money, you earn it, bee-yach!" Laguna said, handing her some of the money back. She took the money and sauntered off. Laguna adjusted his rose colored, diamond studded glasses. and turned to the teenagers.
"I-" Rinoa started.
"It's true! It's true. I am a pimp," Laguna said sadly.
"I'm the number one whore dealer in Esthar."
"What? How! Why! How much is she?" Zell asked at once. Laguna put a hand up, his diamond rings glistening in the sun.
"Let me start from the beginning," he said. The scene changed to a sharp, clean image of Laguna looking up at the sun, reminiscing as the 'camera' floated up twords the clouds.
"What's going on?" Rinoa asked.
"FMV," Zell answered.
"Oh."
"You see, it all started after Ultimecia bit the big gun," Laguna said in that typical 'I-mess-up-famous-sayings' way of his.
"You mean the big 'one'?" Rinoa corredted.
"Yeah, whatever. Anyhow, after Ultimecia kicked the pan-"
Rinoa let that one slide.
"-We had one helluva blow out in Esthar. Fireworks, food, party-hearty type products. I, being the president, decided that in celebration, all of it would be free. The partying went on for days. So, after everything setteled down, the city was in shambles. No food, no money, nothing! We sunk into the biggest resession in the history of human existance. No jobs, no money, nothing! The city is a cesspool of crime, loathing, and whores. Lots of whores."
"But couldn't you just have cleaned up the city? I mean, you are the President!" Zell offered.
Laguna looked at the floor and scuffled his feet around.
"Aren't you?" Rinoa quipped.
The scuffing continued.
"What happened?!" she cried. Laguna sighed.
"Shortly after the depression started, the citizens began rioting. The Presidential Palace still smells like egss. I tried my best, but to no avail. The elections rolled around, and obviously, I didn't do to good."
"Why didn't anyone hear about this?" Rinoa asked unbelievably.
"Remember? No one knows Esthar's here. That damn cloaking device! We couldn't very well ask for money, all the other nations are just as poor as us. And besides-" Laguna was cut off by a muffled cry.
"Big Pappa! Big Pappa! Is the Big Daddy troupe!" the whore from before cried out, clicking her way twords him.
"What?!" Laguna cried. Rinoa and Zell looked at each other. Laguna turned twords them.
"It's the neighboring pimp organization! I don't have time to finish the story right now. They've been trying to take our territory for months. It looks like it's time to rumble!" Laguna said, pulling two M100P semi- automatics out of his coat.
"Wait! We need your help! It's Squall!" Rinoa rmemebred. Laguna loaded tewo cliups into the guns.
"I can't! You're perfectly capable of handling it yourselves!" he said as he clicked along to join the fight.
"He's your son," Rinoa cried out painfully. The whore stopped and smacked Laguna across the face.
"You bastard! He be yo' son! What is you, some kinda dead beat? You go help yo' son, Big Pappa, we hoochie-mamas'll hold things over till you get back, ahight?!" she screeched, grabbing the M100P's and wiggling her way twords the distant sound of gun fire.
Laguna put a hand to where he was slapped.
"Woo, BURN!" Zell taunted.
"Come on!" Rinoa said. "How are we gonna get back to Deiling City?! We don't have much time!"
Laguna snapped into action. "All the transport vehicles were stolen. We'll have to take my pimp mobile!" He ran off, Rinoa and Zell on his heals.
"But I wonder, who could this elusive 'Big Daddy' be?" Zell wondered aloud.
"And what'll happen to Quistis and Seifer?" Rinoa suddenly remembered.
"And what kind of car is my pimp mobile?" Laguna said. "Oh wait, I know the answer to that one. . ."
A mysterious voice boomed from the background. "STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT! WAMP WAMP WEE!"
(AN - SO SORRY for the lack of work on this fic! I had THE WORST case of writer's block in history! But, Road Trip! will be finished by the end of the week, I promise!)
________________________________
It was the pinching, Squall decided, that was the worst. Oh yes, the fondling, the groping, the caressing, and the licking were all rancid in thier own right, but by far the pinching hurt the most.
"Heh hoo, I can get all his leg fat in two fingers," Roseanne gushed, grabbing said fat in between her titanic fingers. Another blood vessel popped as she squeezed his leg. Suddenly, she let go as the clock let out ten long rings. She turned to Squall and lifted his abused body up on her shoulder.
"Let's go girls!"
* * *
"Laguna! Hey! Over here!" Rinoa cried out as they ran to Squall's dead beat dad.
"Rinoa?!" the older man yelped, taking a step back as she and Zell approached. "What are you soing here?!"
"It's Squall! He- hey wait a second," Zell started. He gave Laguna a once- over and stopped to think. "Something's different here . . ."
"No, no, nothing's different . . ." Laguna said, hiding the cane he was holding. His giant fur coat shifted with his weight, and he almost stepped on it with his massive platform shoes.
"You look like a pimp!" Rinoa said, shocked. Laguna rubbed the back of his head.
"Oh no, you got it all wrong. See, there's this, uh, costume party, and, uh- " Laguna was cut off by a shriek. A woman in scantily clad clothing was making her way over the the trio. Thigh high boots and gold jewelry clanked as she approached.
"Mmm, Big Pappa? I gots the money, I know it's a bit late, but I gots it! I says to him I says, "Yous better hand over the Gil or my pimp gonna stab yo' white ass!" she said, flicking a cigarette and pulling a wad of cash out of her bra. She handed it to Laguna. Rinoa and Zell stared wide-eyed at the scene.
"Yeah, yeah, be on time from on now! You want your crack money, you earn it, bee-yach!" Laguna said, handing her some of the money back. She took the money and sauntered off. Laguna adjusted his rose colored, diamond studded glasses. and turned to the teenagers.
"I-" Rinoa started.
"It's true! It's true. I am a pimp," Laguna said sadly.
"I'm the number one whore dealer in Esthar."
"What? How! Why! How much is she?" Zell asked at once. Laguna put a hand up, his diamond rings glistening in the sun.
"Let me start from the beginning," he said. The scene changed to a sharp, clean image of Laguna looking up at the sun, reminiscing as the 'camera' floated up twords the clouds.
"What's going on?" Rinoa asked.
"FMV," Zell answered.
"Oh."
"You see, it all started after Ultimecia bit the big gun," Laguna said in that typical 'I-mess-up-famous-sayings' way of his.
"You mean the big 'one'?" Rinoa corredted.
"Yeah, whatever. Anyhow, after Ultimecia kicked the pan-"
Rinoa let that one slide.
"-We had one helluva blow out in Esthar. Fireworks, food, party-hearty type products. I, being the president, decided that in celebration, all of it would be free. The partying went on for days. So, after everything setteled down, the city was in shambles. No food, no money, nothing! We sunk into the biggest resession in the history of human existance. No jobs, no money, nothing! The city is a cesspool of crime, loathing, and whores. Lots of whores."
"But couldn't you just have cleaned up the city? I mean, you are the President!" Zell offered.
Laguna looked at the floor and scuffled his feet around.
"Aren't you?" Rinoa quipped.
The scuffing continued.
"What happened?!" she cried. Laguna sighed.
"Shortly after the depression started, the citizens began rioting. The Presidential Palace still smells like egss. I tried my best, but to no avail. The elections rolled around, and obviously, I didn't do to good."
"Why didn't anyone hear about this?" Rinoa asked unbelievably.
"Remember? No one knows Esthar's here. That damn cloaking device! We couldn't very well ask for money, all the other nations are just as poor as us. And besides-" Laguna was cut off by a muffled cry.
"Big Pappa! Big Pappa! Is the Big Daddy troupe!" the whore from before cried out, clicking her way twords him.
"What?!" Laguna cried. Rinoa and Zell looked at each other. Laguna turned twords them.
"It's the neighboring pimp organization! I don't have time to finish the story right now. They've been trying to take our territory for months. It looks like it's time to rumble!" Laguna said, pulling two M100P semi- automatics out of his coat.
"Wait! We need your help! It's Squall!" Rinoa rmemebred. Laguna loaded tewo cliups into the guns.
"I can't! You're perfectly capable of handling it yourselves!" he said as he clicked along to join the fight.
"He's your son," Rinoa cried out painfully. The whore stopped and smacked Laguna across the face.
"You bastard! He be yo' son! What is you, some kinda dead beat? You go help yo' son, Big Pappa, we hoochie-mamas'll hold things over till you get back, ahight?!" she screeched, grabbing the M100P's and wiggling her way twords the distant sound of gun fire.
Laguna put a hand to where he was slapped.
"Woo, BURN!" Zell taunted.
"Come on!" Rinoa said. "How are we gonna get back to Deiling City?! We don't have much time!"
Laguna snapped into action. "All the transport vehicles were stolen. We'll have to take my pimp mobile!" He ran off, Rinoa and Zell on his heals.
"But I wonder, who could this elusive 'Big Daddy' be?" Zell wondered aloud.
"And what'll happen to Quistis and Seifer?" Rinoa suddenly remembered.
"And what kind of car is my pimp mobile?" Laguna said. "Oh wait, I know the answer to that one. . ."
A mysterious voice boomed from the background. "STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT! WAMP WAMP WEE!"