EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE:
By Indigo Butterflyz
February 2002
Disclaimer: No, I don't own them. I wish I did, but I am only borrowing them for this fan fic.
Spoilers: Mainly Season 4… however, be warned that some chapters may refer to episodes from other seasons…
Author's Note: First of all let me apologize if this chapter feels more rushed (or even worse -- more awkward and dull) than normal. It's supposed help link the last chapter to the next one… sorta like a filler chapter… opening doors and questions for future chapters. I know some of you are going to feel cheated by having a flashback. Oh well, it is supposed to help explain Ally's state of mind at the moment that... well I will let you read it and find out. ^_^ On with EBYT…
CHAPTER FOUR: EVERY STEP YOU TAKE
------------------
Benjamin Franklin once said that, "Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead." I--I don't know if I really agree with that sentiment, per se… but I can definitely see how secrets can easily become common knowledge… especially at Cage & Fish when there are people like Elaine and Richard around feeding the grapevine. An--and perhaps it is the catastrophic consequences of keeping such things hidden that prevent people from keeping secrets… well… secret. Because, let's face it when things eventually come out, as they usually do, it's like pushing a snowball down from the top of a snowy mountain… and standing there, waiting for it, at the bottom… with a welcoming banner and a bouquet of flowers…
------------------
"Hey Mark…" Ally called out, entering into the conference room, expecting to find her co-worker. "Oh Larry," she stopped in surprise. Pointing back to the door she briefly explained, "Elaine… uhh …she said that Mark was in here."
It was early in the evening, and the sun's rays could be seen setting from the window. Larry was sitting down, absorbed in his thinking, staring at the chair that Annabelle had occupied earlier during the day. Upon hearing Ally's voice, he slowly spun around in his chair and quietly weakly smiled at her.
Ally stammered, grabbing on tighter to the file she was holding onto for support, "Wh-what are you doing here?"
"Just… thinking," he remotely sighed.
"I-I-I see," Ally responded, not really understanding, but nodding her head anyway. She felt herself edge towards the door, suddenly uncomfortable being alone in the same room as Larry. Glancing again at him, she noticed the serious look in his eyes. It was a sure sign that something was troubling him, but she could not comprehend what. Halting, she quietly asked, "What about?"
He didn't immediately reply. Instead, not looking at Ally, he rubbed his chin, as if remembering something. "You know," he implied, pointing to the chair opposite him, "that could be Sam one day." His voice was distant, as if he was talking to himself rather than Ally. "There isn't really much difference in terms of age."
Ally nodded her head, realizing he was referring to Annabelle. She leaned her back against the wall, not sure what she should say. Samuel Paul was his son, and Larry loved him more than anything else in the world. Though she had only met the spirited kid once during their relationship, it was evident that he was a special child. Seriously, how many children do you know who could book themselves on a plane and fly across the country without their parents knowing? Like father, like son, Sam had surprised Ally with his witty repartee and statements that made him sound so much older than he really was. The two of them shared an undeniable bond. Yet, like Larry, Sam also suppressed a lot of the hurt and emotions he was feeling inside. Ally remembered the conversation she had had with Sam while sitting at the piano that night he had stayed over.
Finally, she replied, "I'm sure Sam knows how you feel about him."
"Does he?" he asked. Shaking his head he reaffirmed, "Of course he does. But you know," his eyes darkened, "even though he knows how Jamie and I feel about him, it doesn't mean that he hasn't experienced any of the hurt or isolation that Annabelle has. Hurt and isolation," he solemnly repeated, "that I have played a part in inflicting."
Ally stared at the man sitting before her. She remembered her reaction when Larry first revealed that he had a son. It had all been so incredibly unexpected…
*****
The festive season was approaching and Ally and Larry had been preparing to spend their first Christmas together. The sheer magic surrounding the holiday made it Ally's favourite time of year since she could remember. This year she had Larry to share it with, which made it even more special.
Yet, while Ally's spirits seemed to be ever increasing with every day closing in on Christmas, Larry had seemed to be drifting further and further into a distant detachment. Walking home, having bought a Christmas tree one evening, Larry admitted he was less enchanted by the season than she was.
"I've always hated Christmas," Larry declared, causing Ally to drop the tree they were carrying. "Uh oh," he remarked seeing Ally's expression, "I should have saved that for later in the relationship."
"Mm," Ally mused, "I don't know if I can be with a man who hates Christmas."
"I'm allergic to the down feathers in the couch," he replied, counting off the reasons why he disliked the season. "There's cholesterol is in the eggnog. The tree is a fire hazard and the twinkling lights can cause seizures."
"That's why you hate Christmas?" she incredulously asked.
"That and," he sighed, "I'm always alone."
"Oh," Ally honestly replied, "Well, you're not going to be alone this Christmas."
He looked her, a faint smile across his lips, "Could you say that again please?"
"You're not going to be alone this Christmas," she repeated, emphasizing each word. He didn't reply. Instead, he stared intently at her, prompting a flustered Ally to ask, "What?"
His expression broke into a wide grin, "Let's go decorate the tree."
Ally let the incident with Larry and the tree pass, thinking that it was possibly just a fleeting moment of holiday blues. It wasn't until later when they watching television together that Ally discovered the root of Larry's unhappiness stemmed from something much deeper than she initially suspected.
"I," Larry hesitated, "have a child."
Ally sat up from lying down on the couch. "What?" She didn't think she had heard him correctly.
"I have a son. He's seven years old," Larry briefly elaborated.
"Why didn't you tell me this before?" she asked, turning off the television, stunned by the news.
"Because I'm ashamed," he regretfully replied.
"You're ashamed of having a son?" Ally wondered why he had never mentioned any of this before.
"I'm ashamed," he explained, "that I don't see him everyday and I'm ashamed that he's grown up for the most part without his father."
"Wh-where is he?"
"He's in Detroit," he solemnly answered as he hesitantly added, "with his mother."
Ally looked at Larry, knowing some pieces of the puzzle didn't fit. "I thought your ex-wife lived here in Boston."
"She does," he straightforwardly confirmed.
"Oh," Ally replied, realizing the significance of his words, "Oh you had this child with another woman."
The sudden revelations had hit Ally fast and furious. Not only had Larry been married, he had a son -- And with a woman other than his wife too. A mixture of emotions washed over Ally ranging from disappointment and hurt, to confusion and wonder.
Larry noticed the change in Ally. Carefully, he had tried to approach her while the two of them were sitting side by side in his office. It was Larry's hope for him to be able to try to shed a little more light on his situation.
"For the first three years of his life, his mother and I were together," he stiffly tried to explain, "Uh, this was before I was married and became 'untogether' with somebody else." Larry's mind wandered off towards his child he had left in Detroit. "And he loves snow. And… all Christmas time, we uh…" His voice began to falter. "All that stuff you find magical about Christmas… the tree… the stockings… the sleigh rides and… and making angels and...I did all that with him. And now I don't have him. So I… I don't really have Christmas." Ally let out a sigh, as she tried to absorb everything Larry was telling her. "Ally when you have a child, no matter how much you think you're prepared for it, you'll be stunned by the capacity you have to love someone."
*****
Ally shook her head, pushing away the memories. She could tell from his low-spirited expression that Annabelle's blunt, open and honest account had upset Larry and reopened wounds from within his struggling conscience.
"Lar--" She stepped forward, about to say something, but was interrupted by someone entering the room.
"Ally," Vincent walked in and kissed her gently on the lips -- an action that was not lost on Larry. "Ready to go?"
"Yep," she replied smiling slightly. She looked at Larry, alerting Vincent of someone else being in the room. Larry and Vincent observed each other as Ally began to introduce them.
"This is Vincent McKay," she explained.
All evidence of Larry's downcast expression and serious attitude was gone as he stood up. One would have never have thought that only a moment ago Larry had looked miserable and despondent. Ally blinked, surprised at his sudden change of behaviour. Larry carefully examined Vincent as he firmly shook the pediatrician's hand.
"And this," Ally hesitated, before she continued. She fidgeted with her fingers, uncertain how to proceed. "And this, Vincent, is Larry Paul."
Vincent's grip loosened, as he realized who was standing in front of him. "Larry? Larry Paul?" He looked at Ally, who nodded her head. "The Larry Paul. Larry Paul the lawyer who you thought was a therapist?" He then turned to stare at Larry, whose head was titled and was giving him a quizzical look. "Larry Paul your ex-boyfriend? Larry Paul with the ex-wife and ex-girlfriend who he had a child with?" Vincent's face was blank, yet his voice was beginning to sound slightly more rushed and frantic than normal. "Larry Paul who sung with Sting at your birthday?"
Ally brought her fingers up to chin, concerned with Vincent's reaction. "Uh huh," she earnestly stated.
"Oh," the pale pediatrician replied, looking as if he needed to sit down.
"I'm sorry," Larry interrupted, talking off his glasses. "But have we met?" he asked, grinning in interest at how this man seemed to know so much about him.
"No, no," Vincent readily replied, still absorbing the situation. "It's just that… Ally here has been very colorful in her description with regards to you, Larry. I just…" He uncomfortably brought his hand to his forehead. "I just never thought we would actually meet," he muttered under his breath, running his hand through his tan coloured hair.
"I see," Larry acknowledged, somewhat amused by the situation. He shrugged his shoulders, "Oh well, I… uh… I should be going."
For some reason Ally's heart sank. No matter how many times she had pictured Larry and Vincent meeting each other since Larry had arrived, this was not at all how she thought it would unfold. She had seen Vincent being upset at her for not telling him that Larry was in town. She had envisaged Larry being surprised, and subconsciously as well as selfishly, she had even hoped he was disappointed that Ally had moved on and was dating someone else. Various scenarios had played out in her mind, but nothing prepared her for this. The two of them were being perfectly civil towards each other, so much so, had they met under other circumstances, one could have been certain a friendship would have eventually formed between them.
"I don't want to delay you two," Larry said glancing at the couple before grabbing his coat from behind his chair. "Nice to meet you," he said, shaking Vincent's hand once again. "Ally," he nodded his head at her, as he peered at her over his glasses, "I'll see you court."
"So that was Larry Paul," Vincent rhetorically asked, after Larry had left.
"Yep," Ally agreed, pressing her lips together all the while staring at the wall in front of her.
"He seemed," he paused, searching for the right word, "well… nice."
"Yep," she distantly replied, still not looking Vincent in the eye.
*****
Later that evening, Ally and Vincent met up with John at the bar. It was Vincent's chance to finally be introduced to the curious and remarkable man Ally always enthusiastically went to great lengths to describe. For John, it was also an opportunity to examine the man who, since John had been away, had supposedly claimed Ally's heart. As the three of them continued their conversation, John could find no negative scruples to hold against the dedicated pediatrician.
John always felt himself protective of his friend, for he felt a certain amount of responsibility for her. They shared so much in common, and it was Ally who brought him out from his inhibited shell. Their friendship had blossomed over the years he had known her. It always brought him great comfort that in the world, working in the same firm as him, existed a person who was possibly as strange as he himself was, and yet could also see the magic and marvel that was life.
The discussion turned to talk about their lives over the last few months since John had left. Vincent had excused himself to go to the bar to order more drinks, leaving Ally to discuss her recent predicament regarding the return of Larry.
"So Larry's back?" John asked, rubbing the side of his cheek, troubled by his friend's problem.
"Uh huh," Ally replied, playing with her empty martini glass.
"And he didn't say even so much as a sorry?" he asked, turning to face her.
"Nope," she firmly stated, shaking her head. Seeing John's disturbed expression she added, "He… ah… Larry… he told me… once… he wasn't any better with 'hellos' than he was with 'good byes.'"
"Ally," John sympathetically responded, seeing her wince. "How long is he back for?"
"I," she sniffed, rolling her eyes, "I… I don't know. He didn't say."
"Who didn't say what?" Vincent eagerly asked, sitting down next to Ally with their drinks.
Ally stuttered trying to think of a random name and excuse to give. "Uh… I…"
"Richard," John plainly stated. "He hasn't decided whether or not the firm is going to hold a Christmas party this year."
"Yeah," Ally agreed, sipping the new drink Vincent had bought her.
Vincent looked at the pair, not really understanding the significance of the explained event. Hearing the opening notes from Vonda's piano, Ally quickly grabbed Vincent's arm, asking him to dance in order to prevent him from asking further questions.
John watched his friend from the table, sensing her discomfort.
******
Mark, Elaine and Corretta were sitting a table, across the room from others'. Mark's arms were folded on the table, looking discouraged as he half listened to the two women talking. He was particularly nervous about meeting his client for the first time tomorrow, yet his worries seemed to be oblivious to his companions.
"So, what do you make of that?" Elaine eagerly asked, referring to Ally and Vincent out on the dance floor.
"Make of what?" Corretta retorted, not wanting to play along with Elaine's game.
"Oh you're no
fun," Elaine replied, sighing. She
turned her attention to Mark, "What about you?" But, much to her annoyance, Mark was too engrossed with self-pity
to hear Elaine's question. "Mark!" she
scolded, nudging his arm to gain his attention. "Oo, I hate being ignored," she huffed.
"I'm sorry Elaine," Mark said,
sounding genuinely apologetic. "I guess
I have other more pressing things on my mind."
"Like what you're going to sing on New Year's Eve?" Elaine bluntly asked, not looking at him and still feeling upset from being ignored.
"Elaine!" Corrretta exclaimed, a serious look on her face. She looked at her fellow lawyer and sympathetically explained, "Don't mind her, Mark."
"Thanks," Mark responded, sincerely grateful for Corretta's support.
"No problem," Corretta replied, taking a sip of her drink. "I mean, of course you're not concerned about what to sing on New Year's." A mischievous twinkle sparkled in her eyes. "Obviously," she leaned over towards Elaine, "you'd be MORE worried about which DRESS to wear!"
The two women clinked their glasses together in salutation as they started laughing, much to Mark's dismay.
"It's nice to know you care," he retorted, turning his attention away from the table.
"I'm… sorry…" Corretta tried to apologize as she laughed. "It's just… it's just picturing you dressed… in… in…" She couldn't finish as another fit of laughter besieged the two women.
Mark turned around and stared at them as he leaned against the table. "No, you know what?" he seriously asked. "Go ahead and laugh. I don't mind," he sarcastically lied. "It's just really comforting that my own friends, people I care about and trust, are laughing at my situation."
"Oh come on, Mark," Elaine exclaimed, refusing to fall prey to a guilt trip, "It's not that bad." Mark gave her a dubious look. "Okay," she smiled, "it is that bad. But it could be worse."
"How?" he
challenged, "Give me one example how."
Elaine looked around the room,
searching for something. She paused,
having found her target. "You could be
Ally," she effortlessly answered, pointing to her boss, who was still dancing
with her date.
Mark paused, contemplating for a moment Elaine's words. "I don't see how Ally's situation is anywhere near as bad as mine," he exclaimed, aloofly waving in the direction of couple, who seemed to be contently dancing in each other's arms.
"Puuleezh," Elaine replied, staring at Mark as if he stupid. "Your ex-boyfriend comes back into town without even an explanation, when you're already otherwise happily attached, and you don't even know how they feel about you, so you're torn between EITHER: breaking off your steady date for the last who knows how many months OR confessing your unrequited feelings for someone who probably just going to break your heart all over again. Seriously, whose situation do you think is worse?"
"I think," Mark replied, pushing his chair out slightly from under the table, "that you, Elaine, watch far too much 'Bold & The Beautiful.'"
"Hmph," Elaine folded her arms, "Men!" She looked at Corretta, who was sipping her cocktail, "Surely you've seen the tension between those two when they're in a room together."
"Uh," Corretta protested, putting her drink down, "Leave me out of this."
"You don't even have any evidence that Ally has the slightest residual feelings for the guy," Mark rationalized.
"Mark," Elaine sympathetically explained, "I'm a woman, and I don't expect you to understand this, but as a woman, I have intuition as to how other women feel about men. And my natural feminine instincts tells me," she gently moistened her lips, "our Ally's still got it bad for a certain Detroit-bound lawyer." Mark let out a wholehearted laugh in amazement at Elaine's logic. She slyly smiled in response, sipping her tequila sunrise through her straw. "It's a pity though, he's probably just going to break her heart."
"What makes you say that?" Corretta asked in sudden interest of Elaine's words.
"Well it's obvious isn't it?" she asked, pleased to be receiving extra attention. Corretta stared at her in expectation. Elaine purposely paused momentarily; teasing the seemingly impatient Coretta before explaining in a hushed gossipy voice, "I guess you wouldn't really understand since you weren't really around when Ally and Larry started going out. I don't think we have ever seen Ally so happy…" She turned to Mark who simply nodded his head in agreement.
"Yes," Corretta hurriedly asked, "but has this got to do with Larry breaking her heart again?"
"Well, you were around when they broke up," Elaine continued, as Corretta began to recall the events leading up to Larry's sudden departure. "He left her with a note -- which, by the way, I saw with my own two eyes -- Poor Ally. What does that say? How in love with her could he have been?"
"Right," Corretta distantly replied, no longer paying attention to Elaine, who had now drifted off onto another topic of conversation.
She thought back to over a year ago, when she worked for Larry. He was a lawyer whom she had initially been less than impressed with -- right up to the point, that is, until Sting walked in asking for counsel. Corretta smiled as she considered her brief employment under the wise cracking and smart mouthed attorney. Her expression swiftly turned grim. She recollected her last conversations with Larry regarding the omen stricken marriage proposal mix-up. Her frown deepened as she remembered the promise she made to him before he left Boston.
*****
"Ling," Richard coolly greeted, as he sat next to her at the bar while ordering a drink.
She looked him from the corner of her eyes, not bothering to turn her head. "Richard," she disinterestedly responded, running her right index finger around the rim of her martini glass.
"Where's Captain Plastic Pecs?" he mockingly asked.
"If you mean Jackson," Ling sighed, unimpressed by Richard's attempt at sarcasm, "then he's not here." She examined the coat of paint on her nails, "He's working late tonight."
"Ah, bygones," Richard sympathetically replied before keenly asking, "Wanna join me?"
She gave her ex-boyfriend a tired look of disgust. "I don't think so," she callously answered.
"Suit yourself," he replied, unfazed by Ling's impoliteness. The bartender arrived with his drink, which Richard sipped, turning to face the rest of the bar. "See that table over there?" he pointed. "That's where I'm going be if you change your mind." Ling seemed unconvinced. Richard took another sip of his drink. "Well, I better be off to join John and Ally…" He stood up, taking his drink with him. "I'll leave you to…" he paused, thinking of the best word to use. He settled on what he felt was actually an honest response, "…to yourself, Ling."
Slowly turning around, Ling saw Richard walk up to John and openly pat him on the back. The two men exchanged smiles, as Richard sat down, and started up another one of their lively discussion. Refusing to let his words affect her, she turned back towards the bar and ordered another drink just as Vonda began to sing.
["Are you lonesome tonight,
Do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?"]
*****
["Does your memory stray to a brighter sunny day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?"]
"Mmm," Vincent whispered into Ally's ear as they danced, "I love Elvis." Ally smiled, but it was obvious that her thoughts were elsewhere. He stopped dancing, and pulled away, looking her in the eyes. "Is everything, okay?"
["Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?"]
Ally nodded her head. "Fine," she weakly replied. "Just tired."
["Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?"]
He looked at her, with his unwavering blue eyes. "It's Larry isn't it?" he asked, in a non-accusing tone.
"Is it that obvious?" she shyly asked, amused by his perception.
"A bit," he smiled, taking her in his arms and continuing to dance. He softly twirled her around, causing her to laugh. After a moment he carefully asked, "Is it weird… having him back?"
"A bit." She looked at him and smirked, having mimicked his reply. He grinned, happy to see her smiling.
["Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?"]
Leaning in closer, she put her head on his shoulder and let out a soft almost inaudible sigh.
["Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?"]
*****
To be continued…
Author's Note (ii): Song and lyrics to "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" is sung by Elvis Presley and belongs to its respective owner(s).