The Greatest Stories Ever Told
By Erin Finnlaith
Disclaimer:
N – stands for Nothing, which I have in abundance
O – stands for Other people, who own Harry Potter and Monty Python
T – stands for Trial, which I hope to avoid
M – stands for Money, which I have none of
I – stands for I'm a bum without money
N – stands for Nada, which is what I am getting for writing this story
E – stands for Empty handed, which is what you'll be if you sue me
Summary: Just when you thought the world couldn't get any weirder…this happens. Hogwarts will never be the same…
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Chapter 2: Defense Against the Dark…Fruit?!
(Scene: Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville and Draco are seated at their desks, the new Defense teacher, Professor Major (AN: Don't ask…), is standing at the front of the room.)
Major: Right then! Good day, class.
All (mumbling): Good day.
Major: Where's all the others, then?
All: They're not here.
Major: I can see that. What's the matter with them?
All: Dunno.
Ron: Perhaps they've got 'flu.
Major: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. As I'm sure you are all aware, we are living in perilous times. With silly creatures such as the Dark Lord running about, defense is of the utmost importance. Today I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.
(Grumbles from all)
Hermione: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.
Major: What do you mean?
Neville: We've done fruit the last nine weeks.
Major: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
Draco: Can't we do something else for a change?
Ron: Like someone who attacks you with an Unforgivable Curse.
Major: Unforgivable Curse? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against Unforgivables, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking down the street and some homicidal maniac Deatheater comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...
All: We done the passion fruit.
Major: What?
Hermione: We've already done the passion fruit.
Draco: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...
Harry: Whole and segments.
Ron: Pomegranates, greengages...
Draco: Grapes, passion fruit...
Harry: Lemons...
Neville: Plums...
Hermione: Mangoes in syrup...
Major: How about cherries?
All: We did them.
Major: Red *and* black?
All: Yes!
Major: All right then, bananas.
(All sigh.)
Major: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now this man (gestures to his right where we see Professor Snape standing there looking very annoyed) is going to run at me with a banana. Catch! (Throws a banana to Snape) Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana (Snape runs at Major. Major pulls out his wand and shouts "Avada Kedavra". Snape falls to the floor dead) then, second, you eat the banana, (peels and eats the banana) thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.
Ron: Suppose he's got a bunch?
Major: Shut up.
Draco: Suppose he curses you.
Major: Shut up. Right now you, Mr. Longpants.
Neville: Longbottom.
Major: Sorry, Mr.Longbottom. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. (Neville looks nervous) Now attack me with it. (Neville hesitates) Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Neville runs at Major) Avada Kedavra!
Neville: Aaagh! (dies.)
Major: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)
Harry: You killed him!
Hermione: He's dead!
Ron: He's completely dead!
Draco: (sniggers)
Major: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr. Longbottom, is now 'elpless.
Harry: You killed him. He's dead.
Major: Well, he was attacking me with a banana. So was that Snape fellow and you didn't seem to care very much about him being dead.
Hermione: Well we didn't like him very much.
Sgt.: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.
Ron: (mutters) And dark magic. You looney.
Major: I heard that. Shut up.
Hermione: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got my wand?
Major: Run for it.
Harry: You could stand and scream for help.
Major: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.
Draco: A pineapple?
Major: (looks around frantically) Where? Where?
Draco: No I just said: a pineapple.
Major: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.
Draco: What, on the pineapple?
Major: (dives behind desk, looking panicked) Where? Where?
Draco: No, I was just repeating it.
Major: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. (holds up a raspberry) There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr. Malfront.
Draco: Malfoy.
Major: Malfoy. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.
Draco: No.
Major: Why not?
Draco: You'll kill me.
Major: I won't.
Draco: You killed Longbottom.
Major: That was self-defense. Now come on. I promise I won't kill you.
Ron: You promised you'd teach us about the Unforgivables.
Major: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.
Draco: Throw the wand away.
Major: I haven't got a wand.
Draco: You have.
Major: Haven't.
Draco: You killed Longbottom with it.
Major: Oh, that wand.
Draco: Throw it away.
Major: Oh all right. (sigh) How to defend yourself against a raspberry (sneers) without a wand.
Draco: You were going to curse me!
Major: I wasn't.
Draco: You were!
Major: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you little man. You weed... (Draco runs at Major)
(Major pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! a pile of books falls on Draco)
Draco: Aaagh!
Major: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and a pile of books will fall on top of him.
Hermione: Suppose there isn't a pile of books?
Major: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.
Harry: Well how many piles of books are just lying around like that?
Major: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. A pile of books is just _one way_ of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!
Ron: Like what?
Major: Cursin' him?
Hermione: Well what if you haven't got awand or a pile of books?
Major: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You three, you, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, all of you, a whole basket each.
Harry: No wands.
Major: No.
Hermione: No books.
Sgt.: No.
Ron: No trap doors.
Major: Shut up.
Harry: No rocks up in the ceiling.
Major: No.
Hermione: And you won't kill us.
Major: I won't.
Ron: Promise.
Major: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?
All: Oh, all right.
Major: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the raspberries! Right? O.K. Start moving. (Hermione, Harry, and Ron circle Major) Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with raspberries is to…release the tiger!
(He does so. Tiger growls. Harry, Hermione, and Ron scream.)
Major: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the fruit. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? Come on! I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. You kids don't think I know what you're up to? Not showing up for class and all? Well I'm ready for you. I've wired myself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it...
(Explosion.)
Authors Notes: Okay…that was just weird. Anyway, if you can't tell this is a Harry Potter parody of Monty Python (who couldn't?). Hope you enjoyed it! Don't worry no student was killed during the making of this fanfic (with the exception of poor Neville…that was an accident), Professor Major on the other hand…Oh well. Stay tuned for the next installment: Voldie's Deatheaters!
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