The Greatest Stories Ever Told
By Erin Finnlaith
Disclaimer:
N – stands for Nothing, which I have in abundance
O – stands for Other people, who own Harry Potter and Monty Python
T – stands for Trial, which I hope to avoid
M – stands for Money, which I have none of
I – stands for I'm a bum without money
N – stands for Nada, which is what I am getting for writing this story
E – stands for Empty handed, which is what you'll be if you sue me
Summary: Just when you thought the world couldn't get any weirder…this happens. Hogwarts will never be the same…
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Chapter 2: House Elves Strike Back….
(AN: I know, I know. I promised Voldie's Deatheaters, but don't worry they're in here too! ^_^ Warning: House Elf OOCness abounds!)
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(Sketch opens with a pan across Hogsmeade. Hermione does voice over.)
Hermione: This is a frightened city. Over these houses, over these streets hangs a pall of fear. Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorizing the city. Yes, gangs of overworked House Elves attacking defenseless, fit young wizards.
(Film of a group of House Elves beating up two young men in the street, their wands broken and tossed to the side; then several House Elves banging pots and pans, and throwing food. Others can be seen ripping the drapes of the walls and a woman is seen standing on a chair with a look of horror on her face as a group of House Elves closes in on her. Another clip with several House Elves walking aggressively along a street, pushing passers-by aside)
Fred: Well they come up to you, like, and push you - shove you off the pavement, like. There's usually four or five of them.
George: Yeah, this used to be a nice neighbourhood before the House Elves started getting ideas…(looks pointedly at Hermione. Hermione: Hey! Watch it!). Nowadays some of us daren't even go down to the shops.
Deatheater: Well Mr. Malfoy's son, Draco, he don't go out any more. He comes back from meetings with the Dark Lord and locks himself in his room.
(Film of House Elves harassing an attractive girl.)
Hermione: What are they in it for, these old hoodlums, these layabouts?
First Elf: (voice over) Well it's something to do isn't it?
Second Elf: (voice over) Yeah! And what do you mean layabouts? You're the one that prompted us to do it! (Hermione: Shhhhh!)
Third Elf: (voice over) It's good fun.
Fourth Elf: (voice over) It's like you know, well, innit, eh?
Hermione: Favourite targets for these elves are muggle telephone kiosks.
(Film of House Elves carrying off a telephone kiosk with a screaming muggle man inside; then painting vulgar slogans on a wall.)
First Auror: (coming up to them) Well come on, come on, off with you. Clear out, come on get out of it. (they clear off, he performs a memory charm on the muggle man then turns to camera) We have a lot of trouble with these little delinquents. When the students from Hogwarts come in it's the worst - they go mad. As soon as the kids set foot in town they attack. Some days ten or twenty kids get mugged. When we get on the seen the only thing some of these kids are left with only the robes on their backs. Others aren't so lucky…
Muggle Man: Where am I? Who are you? For that matter, who am I?
First Auror: Ooops…
(Film of Ron standing in the middle of the street in nothing but his knickers looking panic stricken.)
Second Auror: Yeah. Those elves strip these kids of just about everything thing. Then they take their money and blow it on Fizzing Whizzbees, Chocolate Frogs, Lemon Drops and Butterbeer. It's madness.
(Film of House Elves raiding local candy shop. The shop is in shambles. Customers are fleeing from the building in terror.)
Shop Manager: Yes, well of course they come here for their sugar fix, especially if we're having a sale. We get chairs ripped apart, tables over turned, candy jars dumped all over the floor, windows broken, all that sort of thing.
(An Auror shuffles two House Elves out of the shop. Cut to Hermione walking along street.)
Hermione: The whole problem of these pint-sized felons lies in their complete rejection of the values of contemporary society. They've been over-worked, under-payed, under appreciated, repressed for hundreds of years and they begin to wonder if it is all really...(disappears downwards rapidly) Arggh!
(Shot of two House Elves replacing manhole cover. They slap each other a high-five. Next, a film of House Elves on brooms roaring down streets, hitting pedestrians and going through an open shop door. One has 'Pay back's a B*tch' on its jacket.)
Harry: (taking over voice over) But this is not just a House Elves' town. There are other equally dangerous gangs - such as Voldie's baby snatchers.
(Film of Deatheaters in baby outfits over their traditional robes carrying off a man from outside a shop. Cut to distraught wife.)
Mrs.Weasly: I just left my husband out here while I went in to do some shopping and I came back and he was gone. *sniff* He was only forty-seven. What is this world coming to?! What will the children say?! (cries uncontrollably)
Harry: And on the road too, vicious gangs of used Quidditch supplies.
(Film of two bludgers, a snitch, three quaffels, and a broom attacking an elderly man.)
Cornelius Fudge: (coming up and stopping them) Right, fight, stop it. This fic's got silly. Started off with a nice little idea about House Elves attacking young men, but now it's got silly. I insist that this nonsense stop! Right, now for a complete change of mood…
AN: Well there you have it! Chapter 2! Hope you all enjoyed it! A BIG thanks to all my reviewers: Snake fang, Lina Inverse the Dramata, you-know-who, and Giesbrecht! It the reviews that keep me going! So let's keep 'em coming! Stay tunes for the next installment: The Value of Not Being Seen…
^_^v Please leave a contribution in the little review box!