The Greatest Stories Ever Told
By Erin Finnlaith
Disclaimer:
N – stands for Nothing, which I have in abundance
O – stands for Other people, who own Harry Potter and Monty Python
T – stands for Trial, which I hope to avoid
M – stands for Money, which I have none of
I – stands for I'm a bum without money
N – stands for Nada, which is what I am getting for writing this story
E – stands for Empty handed, which is what you'll be if you sue me
Summary: Just when you thought the world couldn't get any weirder…this happens. Hogwarts will never be the same…
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AN: PLEASE READ! Again I want to thank everyone who reviewed: The Face of Evil (I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy EVERY minute of it. ^_^), unknown (Awww! Thanks! It does my Slytherin heart good to know I've managed to corrupt someone. *evil grin*), Ginavere (*blush* I try…), ViEiRA (Glad you like it! Don't worry too much. FF.net is just evil sometimes…grrr.), a girl (I am NOT writing all that *giggle*…), and mione (Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion and you have my respect and thanks for being honest.). Thank you all. Now I would like to address something that mione brought to my attention. Some of my readers may have misunderstood what's going on here. 'The Greatest Stories Ever Told' is meant to be a series of unrelated humorous sketches preformed by our beloved (and not so beloved) HP characters. In some sketches there may be a character death or two. In instances like that I do not discriminate based on who's in what house or which characters I like more (you can see this in chapter 3). Somewhere along the line every character is going to get his or her chance at pushing up daisies. Not worry though; they'll not stay dead! Keep in mind these sketches are UNRELATED (meaning one has absolutely nothing to do with the other.) and are meant to be HUMOROUS. Please do not take offense. In fact if there's a situation you'd like to see played out or a specific character you'd like to see tortured feel free to suggest it! I'm all ears!! ~ ^_^~ Tell me what you like about my stories, what you don't like, what you'd like to see done or changed. A writer is nothing without both positive 'and' negative feedback. I can't make it better if I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Anyway I think I've compromised enough of your time. On to the story! Here it is folks! Chapter 5! Enjoy! (mione, this one's for you.) ^_^v
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Chapter 5: Pet shop of Insanity or Neville Gets a New Pet…(it's about time…)
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(Scene: Lee Jordan is seen working behind the counter of a pet shop. Neville enters carrying a large birdcage with a lump of feathers sitting on the bottom. Neville walks up to the counter.)
Neville: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(Lee does not respond.)
Neville: 'Ello, Miss?
Lee: What do you mean "miss"? (AN: There's a lot of controversy over whether or not Lee is male or female. For the purposes of this story Lee will be male. Thank you! And now back to our regularly scheduled story!)
Neville: (pause) I'm sorry, (sneezes) I have a cold. I wish to register a complaint!
Lee: (quickly) We're closin' for lunch.
Neville: Never mind that. I wish to complain about this owl (holds up birdcage.) what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Lee: Oh yes, the, uh, the Hungarian Gray...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?
Neville: (heatedly) What wrong with it?! I'll tell you what's wrong with it!. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Lee: (glances at the cage) No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Neville: Look, I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but I know a dead owl when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Lee: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Hungarian Gray, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Neville: (sharply) The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Lee: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Neville: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Hungarian owl! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(Lee hits the cage)
Lee: There, he moved!
Neville: No, he didn't, that was you! You hit the cage!
Lee: (indignantly) I never!!
Neville: Yes, you did!
Lee: (shakes his head) I never, never did anything...
Neville: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes owl out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Neville: Now that's what I call a dead owl.
Lee: No, no.....No, 'e's…uh… stunned! Yeah, that's it! Stunned!
Neville: STUNNED?!?
Lee: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Hungarian Grays stun easily, you know.
Neville: Um...now look...now look, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That owl is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Lee: (nervously) Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Neville: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What the hell?! What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Lee: The Hungarian Gray prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit? Lovely plumage!
Neville: (heatedly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that owl when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Lee: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Neville: (raises eyebrows) "VOOM"?!? This bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Lee: No no! 'E's pining!
Neville: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This bird is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! He's f*ckin' snuffed it!..... THIS IS AN EX-OWL!! (breathes heavily)
(pause)
Lee: Oh. Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter.)
Lee: Sorry, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of owls.
Neville: What do call those then?! (indicates other owls flying around the shop)
Lee: Uh…well, you see…I sold them all this morning.
Neville: You sold them? Then why the bloody 'ell are they still here?!
Lee: Um…the…uh, owners were gong to pick them up later! Yeah, that's it! Later! (smiles proudly)
Neville: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Lee: (pause) I got a frog.
Neville: NO! No frogs!
Lee: Well, how 'bout a rat?
(pause)
Neville: Pray, does it talk?
Lee: Nnnnot really.
Neville: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Lee: I guess not…so, you want it or not?
Neville: Yeah, I guess.
(Neville walks out of the pet shop carrying a rat in a cage with 'Scabbers' labeled on the front. Lee is seen inside the shop nailing the owl back on its perch, putting it in the window and patting it on the head. Looks out the window to Neville's retreating form.)
Lee: (sigh) I make more sales that way…
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AN: Well what'cha think? Hope you enjoyed it! Again a big thanks to those of you who review! It's what keeps the plot bunnies attacking! ^_~ Stay tuned for chapter 6: Deatheater "Nitwit of the Year!" *giggle*
^_^v Please leave a contribution in the little review box!