The Greatest Stories Ever Told
By Erin Finnlaith
Disclaimer:
N – stands for Nothing, which I have in abundance
O – stands for Other people, who own Harry Potter and Monty Python
T – stands for Trial, which I hope to avoid
M – stands for Money, which I have none of
I – stands for I'm a bum without money
N – stands for Nada, which is what I am getting for writing this story
E – stands for Empty handed, which is what you'll be if you sue me
Summary: Just when you thought the world couldn't get any weirder…this happens. Hogwarts will never be the same…
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Chapter 6: Children's hour…umm…hmmm…
(Scene opens to gentle children's music, we see fluffy bunnies jumping up and down. Cut to children's storyteller (Lockhart) in Hogwarts library.)
Lockhart: (sitting with large children's book, at desk) Hello, Children, hello. Welcome. Here is this today's story. Are you ready? Good. Then we'll begin. (opens book; reads) 'One day Ricky the magical Cornish Pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble, the enchanted wood nymph, in her tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he gabbed her heavy shoulders pulling her down on to the bed and ripping off her... (begins to read silently; eyes widen, then to himself) Is that even physically possible!? (Harry enters vision and pokes him with a wand; Lockhart turns over page quickly, and smiles) 'Old Pettigrew the Death Eater was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. He loved his life of torture and service to the Dark Lord and he loved to hang out down by Knockturn Alley where the men dressed as ladies...oooooh…' (reads on silently, eyes wide and sparkly; Ron enters vision and tosses a Bludger at Lockhart's head; direct hit; he starts and quickly turns over page)..... 'Kinky', the House Elf, ran the Dinky Winky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingle Dangle Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and ...(eyes widen as saucers) discipline? (gulps)... naked? (breaks out into a sweat)... (without looking up, reads a bit; then, incredulously to himself) With a melon!?
(A large cane enters vision and grabs Lockhart, pulling him from view. Screaming and the breaking of glass can be heard from off stage. Ginny walks out holding a different storybook and takes Lockhart's previously vacated seat)
Ginny: (opens book and reads) Once upon a time there was a little house deep in the Forbidden Forest. In this house lived a humble wizard and his wife and their seven children. But this story is not about them, it's about their pretty daughter, (smiles cheekily) Little Red Riding Witch. Anyway, in the middle of this deep, dark forest, there lived a vicious wolf, named Draco! One day Little Red Riding Witch set off to take some things to her friend Hagrid who lived on the edge of the forest. The vicious wolf saw Little Red Riding Witch and thought: "Despite the fact that she's poor as dirt and under normal circumstances I would never even acknowledge her, she looks very good to eat!" The wolf ran up to Little Red Riding Witch and smiled ferociously. "Where are you going my, pretty one?" (gag) "Oh, kind sir, (*cough*yeahright*cough*) to my friend Hagrid's." "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" smirked the wicked wolf and dashed off through the forest to Hagrid's house. "Knock, knock, knock" went the wicked wolf. The door opened wide, but it wasn't Hagrid who opened it. It was Alastor Moody, England's #2 (If a tad bit touched in the head) auror! For this was not Hagrid's little house at all, but the headquarter of MTMT, the Ministry of Testing Muggle Technology: nuclear division. The wicked wolf was shot down by security guards. (bang bang) So all was quiet and peaceful in the forest again. (Well as peaceful as it's ever going to get…) The humble wizard and his family sold the story to the Daily Prophet for 40,000 Galleons. And MTMT agreed to limit the number of nuclear tests near Hagrid's little house to two on Thursdays and one on Saturdays after tea. The End!
AN: Talk about Fractured Fairy Tales! I hope you enjoyed it! A big THANK YOU to all my reviewers! I love you all! You're what keep me going (that and my plot bunnies…). I should be putting up the next chapter of "Grant Me the Serenity" after this, so for those of you who have been waiting patiently…wait no longer!! ^_^ For those of you who haven't read it…pop on over! It's worth it! Oh and while I'm taking the time to shamelessly advertise my fics…Could some of you go and read "Precious Memories"? I have two chapters up and only two reviews!! (And they're both for chapter ONE!!) *sob* It's very discouraging! *sigh* Anyway, again, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!! Stay tuned for the next installment! And as always…
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