I have desired to go
Where springs not fail,
To fields where flies no sharp and sided hail,
And a few lilies blow.
And I have asked to be
Where no storms come,
Where the green swell is in the havens dumb,
And out of the spring of the sea.
"Heaven-Haven: A Nun Takes the Veil" – Gerard Manley Hopkins.
She had never seen so much pain in a person's eyes as she did in his when she gave him the news; it was almost enough to make her reconsider, but only almost. How could she let the man's insecurities stop her making the life choice that, she now knew, she had secretly always wanted? She couldn't be co-dependent forever. But there was the other side of the coin. How could she leave him, now, when he was in such a mess emotionally? The question would haunt her for months.
She had known for a while that he loved her, and how much. She knew this because she loved him, too; as much as and more than she had ever loved anybody before. But she could not decide whether it was enough, enough to justify throwing everything else away. Whether it was enough to save her from mortal sin. She had been a lapsed Catholic since her early twenties, but some of the old beliefs had lingered on; chief amongst these was that she would never, after death, be able to see her Saviour if she did not heed His call.
She still had doubts, however. Huge ones. There were occasions when all she wanted to do was to run over to him and envelop him in a huge hug, telling him that she loved him, she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon without him. But each time she considered this, there was always the small voice inside her head, insisting that if she didn't try this, she would never know whether this was the life she was born for.
So she decided. Arrangements were made, and finally it came to her last day at work, followed by her last day at home. The pain was so intense she didn't know how she could bear it; saying good-bye, when everything in her was crying out to stay, was the hardest thing she had ever had to do. Or so she thought. She had thought that it would be worst having to say good-bye to her mother; boy was she wrong! Saying good-bye to him had been physically painful – how she had ever thought it would be easy to leave him was beyond her; it took her hours before she felt able to face her family again once he had left. Later, once she had given it more thought, she supposed that she had figured that years of solid friendship (not to mention the relationship she had never given a chance to get off the ground) would make a parting easier. No, no … no. She knew now that the day it would be easy to say good-bye to him would be the day that Hell froze over.
Where springs not fail,
To fields where flies no sharp and sided hail,
And a few lilies blow.
And I have asked to be
Where no storms come,
Where the green swell is in the havens dumb,
And out of the spring of the sea.
"Heaven-Haven: A Nun Takes the Veil" – Gerard Manley Hopkins.
She had never seen so much pain in a person's eyes as she did in his when she gave him the news; it was almost enough to make her reconsider, but only almost. How could she let the man's insecurities stop her making the life choice that, she now knew, she had secretly always wanted? She couldn't be co-dependent forever. But there was the other side of the coin. How could she leave him, now, when he was in such a mess emotionally? The question would haunt her for months.
She had known for a while that he loved her, and how much. She knew this because she loved him, too; as much as and more than she had ever loved anybody before. But she could not decide whether it was enough, enough to justify throwing everything else away. Whether it was enough to save her from mortal sin. She had been a lapsed Catholic since her early twenties, but some of the old beliefs had lingered on; chief amongst these was that she would never, after death, be able to see her Saviour if she did not heed His call.
She still had doubts, however. Huge ones. There were occasions when all she wanted to do was to run over to him and envelop him in a huge hug, telling him that she loved him, she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon without him. But each time she considered this, there was always the small voice inside her head, insisting that if she didn't try this, she would never know whether this was the life she was born for.
So she decided. Arrangements were made, and finally it came to her last day at work, followed by her last day at home. The pain was so intense she didn't know how she could bear it; saying good-bye, when everything in her was crying out to stay, was the hardest thing she had ever had to do. Or so she thought. She had thought that it would be worst having to say good-bye to her mother; boy was she wrong! Saying good-bye to him had been physically painful – how she had ever thought it would be easy to leave him was beyond her; it took her hours before she felt able to face her family again once he had left. Later, once she had given it more thought, she supposed that she had figured that years of solid friendship (not to mention the relationship she had never given a chance to get off the ground) would make a parting easier. No, no … no. She knew now that the day it would be easy to say good-bye to him would be the day that Hell froze over.