But the doubts refused to go away. There was something not quite right with her life here, and although she couldn't work out what it was, it was certainly there. She had talked with her confessor about it, and with the abbess, and neither of them had been able to think of anything that might help – although her confessor had gently asked her to consider whether the doubts she was having were a simple result of panic.
Once panic was mentioned, she really began to worry, and, in time, to find herself unable to stem the rising tide of panic that ensnared her. Maybe, after all this – after everything – Mulder had been right, in the end.
She knew she had to decide, and soon; the end of her temporary vows was fast approaching, and after that she would be expected to stay forever. Zero hour was coming, fast, and she could not afford to make a second mistake.
Her feelings for Mulder, long since subdued, returned in full force three months before her final vows were due to be made – three months after the first doubts had begun to resurface. And instead of being able to subdue them and put them in their proper place in her mind, she found herself dwelling on them more and more. His face haunted her dreams and his voice echoed through her brain during her waking hours.
Her prayers were suffering, and it was only a matter of time before her work would begin to suffer the same fate. She knew, then, that she would not be able to make her perpetual vows after all, which saddened her in one respect but filled her with joy in another.
She meditated on it for days, as she had long since been taught to do, and finally she made up her mind. With the Scully stubbornness that had always characterised her, she knew that she had made the right decision.
She was going to return to Mulder. Her guilt, her religion and her dead daughter had no power to hold her there any longer.
It was time to go back.
Once panic was mentioned, she really began to worry, and, in time, to find herself unable to stem the rising tide of panic that ensnared her. Maybe, after all this – after everything – Mulder had been right, in the end.
She knew she had to decide, and soon; the end of her temporary vows was fast approaching, and after that she would be expected to stay forever. Zero hour was coming, fast, and she could not afford to make a second mistake.
Her feelings for Mulder, long since subdued, returned in full force three months before her final vows were due to be made – three months after the first doubts had begun to resurface. And instead of being able to subdue them and put them in their proper place in her mind, she found herself dwelling on them more and more. His face haunted her dreams and his voice echoed through her brain during her waking hours.
Her prayers were suffering, and it was only a matter of time before her work would begin to suffer the same fate. She knew, then, that she would not be able to make her perpetual vows after all, which saddened her in one respect but filled her with joy in another.
She meditated on it for days, as she had long since been taught to do, and finally she made up her mind. With the Scully stubbornness that had always characterised her, she knew that she had made the right decision.
She was going to return to Mulder. Her guilt, her religion and her dead daughter had no power to hold her there any longer.
It was time to go back.