Much Ado About Erik~
Of all the characters in All the good stories we've read…
Here's what happens when their paths collide:
((Erik is sitting at his Organ, as usual, writing the same piece that he's been writing in all damn stories there are written about him: Don Juan. He looks over his shoulder when he hears a noise and sees that Batman has entered.)
Batman: Damn. Wrong cave."
Erik sighs, shakes his head, laughs a little, and returns to his work. After all, who cares about a winged man who thinks he's a flying animal?)
Batman: Have you see Lois Lane lately?
Erik: Lois Lane? I believe that's the girlfriend of the other flying object in tights.
Batman: Damn. Wrong girlfriend.
(The two figures stand, facing each other, both dark and tall and undeniably veiled in their own magnificence.)
Batman: I'm not really here by accident. I had to use the time machine to came back here for Christ's sake—and I'm telling you that vehicle is a lot more complicated than the Batmobile; so many buttons! Alfred told me to come see you."
Erik: Your butler?
(Batman nods.)
Erik: You see the difference between you and me, is that I don't have a butler; therefore I wouldn't be following his suggestions to travel into another legend's realm and disturbing the peace of how the story should go.
Batman: "Right. Well here's my problem. I'm losing fan mail."
Erik: Fan mail? (Erik cocks an eyebrow.)
Batman: I'm losing my fan mail to this mysterious person that I'm not sure who he is but he's getting all of my letters!
Erik: Do you have any idea to who he might be?
Batman: He's tall, handsome, artistic, intelligent, mischievous, attractive, and basically everything that I am without the suit.
Erik: Me?
Batman: I said tall, not dark and brooding.
KNOCK KNOCK
Batman: Who is it?
(Quasimoto enters. )
Quasimoto: "Oh my god, for a second I thought I was seeing two Frollo's.
Erik: Quasimoto?
Quasimoto: "Evening, I have a problem."
Erik : "Not enough fan mail?"
Quasimoto: "How'd you know? The bell tower had this specific box labeled: HUNCHBACK LOVIN'. And it's empty. I used to get 500 letters a day…and now none. You don't suppose there's another poor deformed bell ringer out there that needs some extra love and affection, do you?
Erik: Not unless there's another facially deformed creature under an opera house with a bat and a hunchback, no.
(Erik notices the Beast from Beauty and the Beast emerging from the lake.)
Erik: What are you doing here
(The beast shrugs. He's not longer the beast because he's the handsome prince. But let us call him the beast. )
Beast: "I stopped getting fan mail."
Erik: It's not as if you need any. After all, you were kissed and turned into an eternal blossoming flower while I had to be LEFT for a young blooming idiot!
Beast: Hey, not enough animosity much? It's just the way the story goes.
Erik: Yes, the story. I love the story that ends so happily – every beautiful princess will meet her prince and walk off into the sunset to wake up the next morning and realize that the man lying next to her can't give her anything but physical love. While I've given my all emotionally, the pretty ones end with the love. Why shouldn't I feel some bloody animosity?
(Superman flies in)
Erik: I am blinded with colorfulness
Superman: I have STOPPED getting fan mail. This is very serious. I need them for my self-esteem.
Quasimoto: In yellow underwear, you must.
Batman: God, I was here first – Erik, what should I do?
Erik: I'm not Sherlock holmes.
Holmes: I am.
Erik: Ok…
Holmes: What do you need?
ALL but Erik: MY FANMAIL!
Holmes: (looking in his pockets) Damn, where did I put it?
Erik: What are you DOING?
Holmes: Looking for my magnifying glass.
Erik: What purpose would that serve you idiot.
Holmes: Well I HAVE to look in character, don't I?
Erik: (shrugs) Good call.
Christine: Erik…
Erik: Oh God…
Batman: Damn, she's phly…
Erik: Don't even think it, winged man, she's already married.
Christine: Not exactly.
Erik: Ok…First you lead me on to believe that you want me by cooing in my ear, 'Erik, oh Erik', and crying when I leave you in your room. Then I find you wearing my wedding ring and kissing the Chagny boy on the roof, planning to LEAVE me. THEN, you KISS me, and LEAVE me anyway because you want to marry him, is this all not correct?
Christine: No, not exactly. I'm very frustrated with my good and bad sides and I'm not sure which side I'm leaning towards as of the moment. I do love you, which is why I kissed you, but I love Raoul too, which is why I kissed him. But I have to admit I love you more than him so I'm back, for you.
Erik: Don't even try.
Beast: I'll take her if you don't want her.
Erik: You have your own woman.
Beast: She's a freaken librarian! My BED is covered in books!
Erik: At least you have a smart one.
Christine: What's that supposed to mean…
Superman: Well Lois reports and ---
Batman: My girlfriend is Kinky.
Quasimoto: Who's she?
Batman: Catwoman.
Holmes: could all this obsession with animals be an analogy for the creatures we are inside?
(Shrek enters)
Shrek: I lost me fanmail.
Superman: Oh me too!!
Shrek: Me think its Brad Pitt.
Beast: THAT BASTARD!!!
Shrek: Me thinks he gets all our mail and read them for himself.
Erik: Brad Pitt? He's too golden boy for something so devious, isn't he?
Beast: Ain't nothing wrong with Golden boys.
Erik: It could be anyone good looking and young. Hollywood's tyranicizing the world these days.
Holmes: Tyranicizing is not a word.
Erik: Shakespeare made up words. So can I.
Holmes: Well you're not Shakespeare.
Erik: You're not a real detective.
Holmes: (infuriated) Don Juan does not exist.
Christine: Don Juan does not exist????
Superman: (Snickering) Oh the ignorance these days…
Batman: Britney Spear's boobs are not real.
Superman: WHAT?
Batman: That's right. My doctor did them for her. Now who's ignorant?
(Lestat enters)
Lestat: I have—
Batman: Stopped getting fanmail?
Lestat: Interesting outfit.
Batman: You too frill-boy.
Lestat: I would suck your blood but— (sees Erik) – My friend!
Erik: Finally someone I like…
Christine: Who's He?
Erik: Are you jealous?
Christine: I thought you only liked me.
Erik: I did until you stabbed my heart out with your treachery.
Lestat: Ooh, good phrasing.
(Darth Vader Enters)
Darth Vader: Erik, I am your father…
Erik: Ok…
Batman: Hey we kind of look alike.
Darth Vader: (BREATHY VOICE) No, we don't. I have a mask, and you don't.
Erik: Take off your mask. Prove that you're my father.
Darth Vader: I can't.
Erik: As I suspected.
Holmes: As I suspected.
Darth Vader: No I really can't. It's stuck.
Lestat: (Runs up to him and pulls it off. It's Tom Cruise)
Tom: DAMMIT! Can you see my braces?
Lestat: I knew it.
Erik: My real father wouldn't have chosen such an ugly mask.
Tom: I, have stopped getting my fanmail.
Erik: (eyeroll) Oh, then it MUST be serious.
Tom: Can you believe it? ME? ME?
Erik: You know your performance in Vanilla Sky was seriously disturbing.
Batman: You're nothing without your face.
Tom: Of course I Know. Hello?? See the braces?
Batman: Damn, they're almost invisible! That's incredible!
Lestat: I liked you as me in my movie.
Tom: In MY movie?
Lestat: (hisses) MYYYYY movie.
Erik: (sighs) Who has the fan mail….
Tom: What about Antonio Banderas?
Erik: Hasn't come out with a good movie since Zorro – you really think he has all the letters?
Superman: Alicia Silverstone?
Erik: WHAT?
Superman: She was good in Clueless.
Batman: You know besides the fact that we both have the word "man" in our names; we're seriously nothing alike.
Superman: What…
Christine: I think I know.
(everyone stares at her)
Christine: Justin Timberlake.
Quasimoto: You know Erik you're really smart for letting this one go.
(Justin Timberlake enters)
Justin: My fanmail is gone…is gone….is gone….
Erik: I actually liked that song.
Justin: (sees Christine) Would you be my girlfriend? I would treat you good.
Erik: Not even proper grammar.
Justin: I don't understand. Where could all my fanmail go? Do you think JC took it?
Lestat: Isn't he the gay one?
Justin/Superman/Batman: (Gasp) No….
(Buffy the Vampire Slayer Enters)
Buffy: I have NO FANMAIL.
Lestat: What's a slayer to do?
Buffy: I would kill you but since I'm very very depressed right now, I won't.
Lestat: The stake through the heart thing doesn't work.
Buffy: Your SHIRT doesn't work.
Lestat: GROWL.
(Hyde Enters)
Hyde: EVEN BIGGER GROWL
Lestat: What's your problem??
Hyde: EVERYTHING!!!! But above all: (SWITCHES INTO JEKYLL)
Jekyll: (Very Puny Voice) I have lost my Fanmail…What shall I Do? (Whimper)
Batman: With a voice like that, how could you possibly get fanmail?
Erik: He's like me—
Batman: He's like YOU?
Erik: Needle obsession.
Holmes: Ah….
Hyde: I LOVE NEEDLES,…and I DON'T LOVE MUCH…But NEEDLES (breathes deeply)…They are the essence of lust…
(Scarlet Pimpernel Enters)
Percy: La!! I have absolutely LOST my fan base!
Erik: La??
Justin Timberlake: (singing) Laaaaa…!!!!!
Percy: Sink Me! There are a hell lot of people here.
Erik: Strange people.
Hyde: WHO ARE YOU CALLING STRANNNNNNGEEEEEE?????
(CHAUVELIN enters with an ANGONIZING cry)
Chauvelin: I NEED MY FANMAIL!!!!!!!!
Hyde: Who are YOU????
Chauvelin: I am the best damn detective in the world, and I have stopped getting my fan mail…I demand all of you-- find it or I shall have british authority up your ass!
Percy: This is the same "best" detective that couldn't tell who I was when I covered my face with my GLOVE?
Chauvelin: (Snort) Well I see you're not the ONLY identity Crisis freak here. Can't I be in a NORMAL room?
Holmes: (stuttering) But I'm the best detective…
(James Bond Enters)
Erik: Stopped getting Fanmail pretty boy?
Bond: (Holding a gun) Bond…You know the rest…(Pause) I'm sorry, what was the question?
Christine: Are you really THAT good in bed?
Hyde: NO, I AM…
Percy: No I…
Lestat: No I'll make you BLEED with excitement…
Hyde: No I will…
Jekyll: No you won't!!!
Hyde: Yes I will!!!
Jekyll: No!
Hyde: YES!!!
Jekyll: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Percy: Zounds! Temper Temper!
Superman: Does he always talk this way or is he just retarded?
Holmes: "Retarded" is politically incorrect.
Superman: Your MOM is po—
Erik: (Gestures for him to shut up) No need to stoop that low.
Shrek: Me thinks there's too many angry people in here. Can't we all be peaceful and get along?
Chauvelin: I don't take advice from green monsters.
Shrek/Erik/Beast: WHO YOU CALLING MONSTER?
(Spiderman enters)
Spiderman: I don't feel like climbing on walls anymore.
Superman: There's three "man"'s in here, and we don't need that many!!!!
Erik: Correction: there is only one man in here.
Batman: (Whining, pointing to Spiderman) Just cuz he's coming out with a new movie doesn't mean I'm not gonna get Mel Gibson to star in the next Batman movie.
(Wolverine enters)
Wolverine: Mel Gibson is out. Hugh Jackman…IN.
(Storm Enters)
Storm: Says who?
Wolverine: Say's me.
Storm: Oh yeah? (brooding storm)
Wolverine: Cut the weather crap, I'm not scared of a little hail.
Erik: Stop that, my candles will go out…
Wolverine: I'll make more than just your candles go out…
Mimi (From Rent): (Echo) Would you like my candle….
Everybody looks around.
All: OOooOooOOOOooOooo
(Marius Pontmercy Enters)
Marius: Where's Cosette?
Batman: You mean the nun with the white shoulder pads?
Marius: How DARE you.
Batman: You're not looking for your fanmail?
Marius: Yes I am, but I can't find Cosette either.
Batman: Did you bring her with you?
Marius: No…I left her back at home.
Batman: (Confused) Is it just me, or is there no real problem?
(Eponine enters)
Eponine: Marius, I LOVE you.
Marius: Thank you?
Eponine: (Shrieks) It's no use!!!
Christine: I know how you feel.
Erik: No, our situation's completely different.
Christine: But he's rejecting her.
Erik: You rejected me first.
Christine: But—
Wolverine: GET A ROOM.
Hyde: I'll get you a room…
Wolverine: I like your rage.
Hyde: I'm nothing BUT rage.
Wolverine: So am I.
(They go off to their little corner and play chess)
Bond: What shall I do? I need my mail…
Beast: (imitating james bond voice) What shall I do? I need my mail…niew niew niew niew…
Bond: ((points gun)) I'll shoot.
Beast: Take your best shot. I'm a cartoon.
Bond: (Withdraws gun) Wow the animation is amazing.
Aladdin: Heehee.
(Angelina Jolie enters)
Angelina: HEYA!!!! ((Kicks Batman in the balls)) Ya like that?
Batman: What was that for? (AGONIZING GROAN)
Angelina: For being a man.
Erik: ((slow melodic laughter))
Angelina: I'd kick you too but I'd want to lick you first.
Catwoman: (Jumps infront of Angelina) Me first. MEOWW…
Angelina: REORRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Superman: ((Jumping with glee)) CAT FIGHT!!!
Christine: Stop it! Stop it! He's mine.
(Angelina socks Catwoman in the eye and wraps one arm around Erik's shoulders. Erik's looking at her, half amused)
(Catwoman kicks Angelina's chin REALLY HARD…)
Angelina: Damn. Wasn't expecting that.
Catwoman: You PURRfect IDIOT. Thinking you'd kick MY feline ass.
Angelina: I have bigger boobs you moron. He'd pick me even if you DID win.
Catwoman: ((stops for a second to think)) aw man…
Erik: (Shaking head, smiling still beneath the mask) I'm not going to pick either of you.
Angelina: Why? I KNOW you don't like men.
Erik: nor do I prefer masculine women.
Angelina: Then just help me find my $%^&&# fan mail!!!!
Erik: (Temptingly) Why should I?
Angelina: Because I'll kick you fine ass out the DOOR if you don't.
Erik: (monotone) Not threatened.
(Michael Crawford enters)
Michael: ERIK!
(Ted Keegan Enters)
Ted: ERIK!
Erik: WHAT? Just because you played me in MY musical, I'm supposed to like you? What, you stopped getting fan mail too? Or has your life been so brilliant after you've taken my life to the stage that you've finally decided to come back to thank me?
Michael: Well I'm the original so—
Erik: Correction: I'm the original.
Ted: I'm young?
(Carson Daly enters)
Carson: I stopped getting fan mail. My career is over.
Erik: All you did was stand there and name pop songs for 90 minutes.
Carson: Correction: ANNOUNCED pop songs?
Holmes: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY? I CAN'T STAND IT!!
Erik: Calm down you freak.
Holmes: I can't stand it…I like it. That's my new philosophy.
(Christine walks over to Erik's closet and opens it. A Million letters fall out)
EVERYONE INCLUDING ERIK GASPS.
EVERYONE BUT ERIK: IT"S YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Erik: I admit it makes sense but…I don't know how it got here.
(Fairy God Mother from Cinderella appears)
Superman: (under his breath) I wish it were the blue fairy instead, she was so much hotter…
Fairy God Mother: Erik, you deserve these letters…In the end, none of these characters measure up to you…so I have sent what you deserved to you. I'm sorry you had to wait so long.
Erik: (picks up a letter, opens it, reads) Dear Erik. You are the love my life. Your music and your voice has inspired me since the first night I saw Phantom of the Opera to become a broadway star. I know I'm only in 9th grade, but I promise you I'll dedicate the rest of my life to you because you've given me so much more than anything else in my life. I love you and I promise I'll think of you before I sleep every night. I want to be your Christine. Sincerely, Jody.
(Every body sighs)
Erik: Ok…
Fairy God Mother: You don't like it?
Erik: It's … fine.
Fairy God Mother: (Throws down her wand) What more do you want? I practically had to collect all the letters from the world to do this for you!
Erik: I want to be left alone. I want to be left alone with my music, and not intruded upon by Disney Characters and Comic strips. I want to dwell in my own domain of my mind, and above all, I want closure. This does not give me closure. I'll always be thinking about the one thing I cannot have. Or could have had…but if fate changes itself, there will be no purpose to finishing my destiny. Whatever that may be, just let me live my life.
Fairy God Mother: Very well. (waves her wand)
(EVERYONE DISAPPEARS except for CHRISTINE)
Christine: Erik. I'm not leaving. I still want a second chance.
Erik: That's not the way the story goes. You had your chance. Go home.
Christine: (Grabs hold of him and kisses him furiously again. She throws his head back and clings onto him, sobbing) You honestly don't feel anything.
Erik: (Silence) It's always the two of us in the end, isn't it? Like this, waiting, hoping, irresolute.
Christine: It can always be just the too of us. It's not too late.
Erik: You are too late.
Christine: (sigh)
Erik: Don't make the same mistake twice, if there is a next time. You're better as just a memory.
Christine: all right.
Erik: (Returns to his organ. Softly playing Tori Amos' "A Thousand Oceans". Very appropriate for the moment music) Goodnight.
Christine:…goodbye…
Andrew Lloyd Webber Voice Over: So as you see….no matter what…the ending shall never change…it's what makes the story bittersweet and juicy. Hehhehheh. Does that make any sense? What would Erik say if he met me? Who's uglier? AW, I'm just kidding…(Foppily fading chuckle)