A/N – The disclosure is in chapter 1. If you want me to continue just let me know by reviewing.
Chapter 4
It was late afternoon by the time Max and Logan returned to the penthouse. Upon entering they turned towards the kitchen with resignation. After further inspection the mess was not quite as bad as it had seemed earlier. Max gathered the dishes as Logan scraped them off into the sink, the disposal devouring all evidence of Max's earlier attempt at cooking. Placing what he could in the dishwasher, he stacked the rest on the counter near the sink. How she had gone through so many dishes was beyond him. As Max brought over the last dish Logan began to fill the sink with hot soapy water, and awkwardly began to wash the remaining dishes by hand. Realizing the difficulty that Logan faced in trying to wash the dishes in the high deep-bottomed sink Max offered to wash.
"I've got them." Logan said.
"Logan, look, I made the mess, I'll wash the dishes, besides it's easier for me."
"I can wash the damn dishes!" Logan snapped.
"What the hell is your problem? We've had a great day, why are you doing this?" Max asked as she tried valiantly to hold onto her temper.
"Fine, you do the damn dishes… I'll just get out of your way… I'm sure that will make it much easier." Logan said, his voice fierce and full of bitterness. With angry thrusts he propelled his chair away from the sink and out of the room.
Rather than chase after Logan, Max decided to stay in the kitchen and finish the dishes, allowing both of them to cool off a bit. She had no idea what the problem was, and didn't feel up to arguing, especially when she didn't know what they were arguing about. Confused, Max applied herself to the task of removing the burnt and hardened egg from the bottom of the pan.
After drying the last dish and putting it away Max turned her attention to finding Logan. She was much calmer now, and hoped that he was too. Following her intuition she went to the living room. Logan was sitting in front of the window, a pained look upon his face. His eyes were fixed on the sun setting over the broken city. Logan turned around hesitantly at her approach, unsure of what to expect after his earlier outburst.
"Hey," Max said softly, an uncertain smile upon her face, "I'm ready for my cooking lesson."
"Max… About earlier, I'm Sorry."
"No big dealio" Max said casually
"I'm still sorry, it was uncalled for." Logan apologized.
Each heaved a sigh of relief, glad to be finished with the ugliness of earlier. As they headed for the kitchen Logan started in on the basics of cooking. At the market they had come across some fresh clams and had decided on making a linguine with white clam sauce with a fresh green salad.
"The first thing you want to do is make sure you have what you need… Get everything you'll need out and put it where you can easily reach it while you're cooking. Your going to need to large pots and a deep sauté' pan, so get those out."
Max ran around the kitchen collecting the necessary ingredients and equipment, Logan pointing her in the right direction as needed. Once she had everything out the real lessons began. As the olive oil heated in the sauté pan, Logan showed her how to peel the garlic. He explained that the real flavor of the garlic came from the juices inside, which is why garlic was pressed rather than chopped. With each step, Logan not only showed Max how to do things, but he also explained why they were done. Soon the aroma of garlic in olive oil filled the kitchen, making their mouths water. As the garlic sautéed Max added the wine to the clam juice in preparation for adding it to the pan. Quickly Max poured in the wine and clam juice mixture. Logan chuckled as she jumped when the hot oil splattered a bit, earning himself a dark look from Max.
"OK… Now that just needs to simmer for a while… in the meantime let's start on the salad." Logan instructed.
Together they washed the greens and prepared the salad in a companionable silence. The smell of the clam sauce filled the apartment with a mouth-watering scent. Max placed the water on to boil as Logan filled her in on the finer points of pasta. Per Logan's instructions she was very careful not to overcook the pasta. As Logan rinsed the linguine Max added the clams and some parsley to the sauce. Grabbing a large bowl she tossed the linguine and sauce together while Logan set the table.
"I do believe, Ms. Guevara that you have now completed cooking your first gourmet meal. Pick up one of the Chardonnay's from the wine rack and we are set." Logan called from the dining area.
Seating herself at the table next to Logan she grinned. "This may sound crazy, but I think I'm actually nervous…" Taking a bite Max's eyes went wide. "It's delicious… try it!" She was as excited as a kid at Christmas. Enchanted Logan followed suit, taking a taste. She was right, it was excellent.
"Very good… Of course you had a great teacher." Logan said with a wink.
They laughed and joked throughout dinner, the salad left untouched, they filled themselves with the pasta. Their bellies sated they cleaned up from their meal and taking the wine with them retired to the living room. Logan transferred to the couch and picked up the remote control. As Logan flipped through channels Max laid down on her side, facing the television, her head in his lap. One hand on the remote, the other threaded through Max's silky hair, gently pulling it away from her temples. Before Logan could decide upon a program to watch the power went out.
"Ah… Another brown out… There should be some candles in the kitchen." Logan said as he began to lift Max's head from his lap.
"No… I'm OK… I kind of like it this way." Max told him.
"Works for me." He replied as he sunk back into the couch, replacing Max's head gently in his lap.
They sat together in silence; the intimacy of the moment growing as the utter stillness of night overtook the room. Logan continued to stroke Max's hair, the strands coiling around his fingers as if alive. There was no moonlight and no stars to be seen they were encapsulated in the inky black of night. Their world had reduced to just the two of them, everything else becoming insignificant. The absolute blackness was enabling, allowing them to explore thoughts that they had tried to bury and ignore. Max was the first to break the silence. The words, which she had restrained her entire life, poured out of her in a jumble of disjointed thought.
"Logan, I love you. That was so hard for me to admit the first time… It scared the hell out of me… sometimes it still does. At…"Max faltered. "At Manticore we were taught that emotions were liabilities… That they could be used against you… Sometimes those early teachings are hard to ignore… When I get scared, I feel myself retreating behind my shell… So much of what I am… not just physically, but emotionally too… was manipulated by them. It's weird… I hate them… that place… but without them, I wouldn't exist… It's so confusing, how can you hate and condemn that which created you in the first place? I struggle trying to find 'me' and separate it from all that was Manticore… I don't know if I can ever truly leave Manticore behind…"
"It's apart of you Max… I don't think you really could or should leave it all behind you… Not all that they taught you was bad… You're brilliant, extremely independent… I don't know anyone that would go to the lengths you do for those you care about… your determined… We all have our 'emotional baggage' we carry around, granted your situation is extreme, but we all have some… It's impossible to separate, because it is apart of who we are… I guess the trick is to take the good and recognize what we don't like, and work to change that… And you've done that Max…"
"Not really… Sometimes I feel like I'm just running away from the part of me that's 'them'… it sneaks up on me all the time… At Manticore even the smallest infractions were dealt with severely… to this day I'm terrified of screwing up… I'm afraid to ask for help… the thought of admitting I need anyone fills me with panic… I sometimes feel like my only worth lays in perfection, and to be anything less would make me… well… worthless… I haven't left it behind… it's still there, waiting for me…"
"Max, you know I love you just the way you are… You don't have to be 'perfect' for me… I love you, faults and all…"
"Logan, you've been so good for me… You give me strength… You're like my shield against the world… when everything goes wrong… I know you will make it OK… It's strange, I feel almost as if my life, that of Max Guevara, started when I met you… I can't imagine my life without you in it… I need you…" Max finished, tears silently streaking down her face.
Logan pulled Max into a tight embrace, pressing his lips to the crown of her head. They sat quietly. Logan gently rocked Max as he held her; his touch healing the wounds she had reopened. He felt immensely honored at the trust Max had displayed in him. He understood how hard it had been for her to bare her soul; he was awed by the courage she had shown in doing so.
"Thank you… Thank you for loving and accepting me… faults and all…" Max said as she lay back down in Logan's lap. Letting out all of the pent up emotion had been a cathartic experience. She felt a new peace and contentment settle over her.
"Max, it's me who should be thanking you"
"For what?"
"For many things… For being you… For letting me love you… For not putting up with my shit." Logan took a deep breath before continuing on. "And especially for not treating me any differently because of the chair… That's been one of the hardest things to deal with… other peoples reactions… the pitying looks, the avoidance… I pretend I've wrapped my head around it… but it bothers me… a lot more than I let on."
"I know"
"No Max, let me finish… It's painful enough losing control of half of your body… to feel like only half a person… to know that there are some things I'll probably never do again… but to have to deal with everyone else's reaction … sometimes it's more than I can stand… Every time I think I'm doing ok with accepting it… that maybe I'm not just some pathetic cripple, it's then that I go out and have to face those looks, the quickly averted gazes…" Logan was silent for a minute. "God, so many things I took for granted… It's odd, you know, I can't even feel the chair beneath me, it's almost like I'm floating… Can you imagine how weird it is to see someone move your body, and not feel it… to see you laying in my lap and not feel it… Sometimes I think the frustration and regret will kill me… I've always been so damned independent… even before I was shot I had a hard time accepting help… but now… it's like a barb, a reminder of all that I can't do anymore… I hate it Max… That's what this afternoon, with the dishes, was all about… Nobody wants to advertise their weaknesses… but mine are so glaringly obvious… I feel like I need to prove that everything's fine… that maybe if I pretend it's still the same, and just ignore it… it'll go away… I'll wake up and be whole again." Logan exhaled loudly as he finished.
"Logan, you are whole… you are everything to me… don't ever forget that… you're the one who makes me feel whole, the one who completes me." Max whispered as she sat up. Taking Logan's head in her hands, she pressed butterfly kisses across his eyelids.
At her whispered words Logan felt a weight lifted from his heart. He too had found the experience to be cathartic. Logan opened his eyes, in the dark he could barely see Max right in front of him. Feeling blindly he grasped her hand and pulled it to his lips, lightly kissing each knuckle.
"Max, are you tired?" Logan asked innocently.
"No, not really." She answered.
"Me neither, let's go to bed." Logan replied with an evil grin.
Max laughed as she rose from the couch, "I though you'd never ask."