The sudden light flickering in the barracks hurt his eyes. Was it 0400
already? The night had passed in what could be described as forever in a
moment. That was a strange thought wasn't it? Well, in a way it was true.
He'd been thinking so much that evening when he had gone to his bed, that
he hadn't even closed his eyes, and now it was morning.
The routine began as usual, all the boys silently getting up and heading to the showers. Then they would change into their white, grey or black uniforms and eat and prepare for another day of rigorous training under their teachers. The different colour uniforms signified their level of skill within the school, black being the best, white being the inexperienced. Thomas didn't, however, don his black uniform. Instead, he pulled on the stylish dress uniform Sul'Ta had given him the night before, because today wasn't an ordinary day for him. Oh no. Today, for the first time in ten years Thomas was going home for the week to visit his family. He hadn't seen them since his father had handed him over to Sental and Starfleet's Elite Program (SEP), and didn't even remember what the Admiral looked like, let alone his mother or sisters.
After he had dressed he headed to Sental's office. He'd been in there once before, and that had been four years ago. Thomas remembered it clearly.
It had been a day of hard training. Really hard. Thomas wasn't sure if he even had the energy to remain standing off to the side of Sental's office, but he forced himself to remain still, his back as straight as he could manage despite his aching ribs. Sental didn't seem very happy; his cheeks were tinged red with barely-concealed anger. He was sitting at his large metallic desk, vid-screen off to his right, and he was glaring at Sul'Ta, Vivix, and Alkeric, who was the station's telepath.
"What do you mean he doesn't have it anymore? You don't just 'lose' the ability." Sental's voice was calm and carried an iciness that Thomas had long ago associated with the man that he hated and feared so much. Alkeric puckered his lips a moment, from nervousness or thought Thomas wasn't sure, and then the Betazoid began his explanation.
What was the ability? Thomas had to think for a moment, it had been explained to him when he had first arrived here. Oh, right. It was a very slight psychic ability that he had. Nothing allowing him to read minds or anything, but it gave him a sixth sense for danger. Mind you, the only times it worked was when he was just about to be attacked by someone. Sental had wanted him to train with this ability to become one of his "Elite" soldiers; it was the only reason Thomas was on the moon's station in the first place.
"He doesn't have it. That's the basic gist of it. When I first met him it was fairly strong, but over the last three years he has slowly been losing it. As of yesterday night I can't sense it anymore. Cadet Thomas no longer has his psychic intuition."
"How?"
"Well, usually as children grow they gain more strength, physically and mentally. In the case of psychics it is the same, but there is the occasional occurrence where as the child develops, he loses his ability. It may have been he was too young to begin his training to use it in this 'project', or it just wasn't meant to be." Alkeric shrugged indifference, and clasped his hands behind his back to hide their shaking. Thomas noticed it from his place along the wall.
He'd also noticed the lack of his sixth sense a long time ago, almost a year ago actually. It just didn't work to focus on predicting when a sparring partner was about to strike by the aura he set off. It became much easier to watch for more physical warning signs, such as a widening in the opponents eyes the moment before attack, the clenching of jaw muscles, etc.… He couldn't figure out the big deal at the complete loss of an ability he hadn't used in a long time.
"So we have wasted three years training this boy in everything from Betazoid meditating techniques to Vulcan martial arts, wasting a great deal of energy and resources on something that isn't what we thought!" Sental was fuming now.
"I told you it was too early to train the child. We should have waited and learned more of his abilities before throwing him right into this project. If we let him go now he might be a security risk." Vivix glared right back at Sental, and his annoyance at her uncharacteristic outburst hastened her to throw a timid "Sir" at the end of her tirade. Sul'Ta however, who had been Thomas's main teacher the last three years, had a different opinion entirely. Thomas listened intently, not a flicker of emotion on his face as they were discussing him, and possibly his future.
"I disagree that Cadet Thomas's training has been a 'waste.' Over the three years we have had him he has shown remarkable skill in many areas. He has had difficulty in his hand to hand combat, but he is still young and has only been trained minimally in that area. His skills as a pilot however, are some of the most impressive I have ever seen. We can always use a strong pilot. He has an uncanny ability to understand electronics, science, and field medicine. He is currently fluent in four languages, which he picked up with ease. He is a hard worker for his age and I believe he shows much promise in our organization."
"You better be dead sure about those opinions Sul'Ta, because I am not going to allow him to remain in this program unless he can be used. You know this is Starfleet's highest and most classified organization. There would be outrage amongst the public and regular Starfleeters if they knew what was going. We'd be finished."
"I understand sir. I believe he is still a valuable resource to us." Sul'Ta bowed his head slightly. Vivix bit her lip to keep from arguing. She didn't have a good excuse to get rid of Thomas at the moment, but she didn't like the boy. His blue eyes were filling with more knowledge every time she looked into them, and she felt he could become a real threat to SEP if they didn't keep a tight reign on the child.
"Then he stays. I want his training increased; he is old enough now. Don't make me regret this." The three beings in the room nodded and turned to file out.
"Cadet. Report to the ring in ten minuets." Sul'Ta ordered.
"Aye Sir." Thomas's voice was clear and devoid of any emotion he was feeling. The Vulcan nodded to himself in approval. This was one child he would make sure was trained properly, no matter the techniques.
Now standing stiffly in front of Sental's desk, Thomas stared at a point over his commanding officer's shoulder. The man with black hair, slightly speckled with silver, eyed him through dark, calculating orbs. Thomas didn't say anything.
"Cadet Thomas. You're well today I trust?" It was an empty inquisition, and Thomas replied in kind.
"Yes sir."
"Good. You will be meeting your father, Admiral Paris, shortly. Do you understand what this means?"
"Yes sir. Master Sul'Ta explained it to me in great detail."
"Good. Perhaps you could explain it to me then," Sental asked Thomas, as though he were an idiot. Thomas kept his face void of emotion as he seethed inside. He knew one hell of a lot more than Sental probably ever would. If he wanted to, he could kill him with little to no effort right on the spot and the arrogant man would never know what hit him. But instead, Thomas answered his question, keeping the man happy. He was his commanding officer after all, and if it was the only thing his father had ever taught him, it was to respect your commanding officer. Though it was hard for Thomas to respect anyone in this place.
"For the last ten years I have been training in engineering, science, communications, piloting and basic combat within this school. This station and all the training we, as cadets here receive, is highly classified, even to my father, an admiral of Starfleet. I will play the cover I have been given as a student from an advanced boarding school, no more, no less."
"Good. And you know what will happen if you don't?"
Thomas suppressed a shiver that wanted to run a path down his spine. "Yes sir."
"Good. Have a pleasant visit with your blood relations."
"Yes sir."
"Dismissed to the shuttle bay." Thomas saluted, and walked briskly from the cold office. It hadn't changed much since his first visit there, and probably never would change. He was only fourteen years old, but Thomas was mature in a way that very few humans ever would be. Sental's comment about Thomas visiting his 'blood relations' wasn't lost on the young man either. This Elite school, and him as an Elite Cadet, was the only family he was supposed to have. It was the only life he was supposed to have, but now he was being ordered to visit with his blood family. His stomach twisted from the nerves he was having problems controlling. The only reason he was being sent to visit was because the Admiral had requested to see how his son was turning out. Not fulfilling the request would raise suspicion. Thomas entered the shuttle bay and awaited the arrival of his shuttle.
((()))
The room was dark, but not quiet as ragged breathing was heard, filling in the silence. Tom twisted on top of his bed covers, his hands clenching at his sides, and then in a quick movement he was sitting straight up, covered in a sheen of sweat. He glanced wildly in the darkness, his eyes quickly adjusting, and he allowed his rigid muscles to relax as he recognized where he was.
Everything was fine. He let out a long breath and rubbed the back of his neck in relief, until the memories of his last week back aboard Voyager came rushing back. Damnit! He threw his legs over the side of his bed and headed to the bathroom, pulling out the sink and splashing some cold water on his face to chase away the last of his nightmare.
It wasn't fair. His thoughts sounded like a whiney brat, but at the moment he wasn't particularly concerned. He tried, he was still trying, to make things right onboard Voyager. He'd gone and apologized to every one of his old friends, but they had just turned away in anger. He growled in frustration and headed to his closet, roughly pulling out a pair of comfortable shorts and a t-shirt. Now dressed he left his quarters.
As usual at this early hour, nobody was using the holodeck, and he stepped through the doorway and into a place he had considered a haven for as long as he'd known it existed.
"Thomas! It is three in the morning, what are you doing here and not in your bed?" The familiar voice drifted to him over the soft background music, and he saw her heading around the bar towards him. He smiled warmly at her. Although she was a hologram, he loved her like the real Sandrine. She gestured him towards a seat and sat across from him.
"You are going to exercise yourself to exhaustion my Thomas." When will his end ? she thought sadly. "How have things been for you?" She watched him intently, searching for whatever truth she could get from him, but as his usual smart mouthed, arrogant, uncaring emotional masks slowly dropped in her presence revealing a tired, lonely, weary man, she knew tonight she would get the truth from him without having to try.
Why did he do this to himself? She knew that his childhood was a large factor in how he treated himself and others. His damn pride and natural stubbornness were two other problems he had going for himself; but all he needed to do was tell his friends the truth.
"I don't know how to handle this Sandrine. I can't go anywhere without having the cold shoulder turned on me. Hell, I've been attacked by Burkenson three times! I've only been back one week, but of course, he's just the classic 'kick 'em while they're down' type, that literally kicks." Tom ran a hand through his short hair and folded his arms across his chest. "He roped Cartel, Higsley, and Sheeta into holding me one time." His voice was laced with regret and sadness. "Sheeta once told me she'd fight any battle by my side; I guess she had a change of heart." Sandrine leaned across the table and pulled one of his arms from their tight coil around him, grasping his hand it what was hopefully a comforting gesture as he continued.
"How could I have screwed my life up so completely?" At this he smiled, full of self-mockery. "You know Chakotay doesn't show it openly, but I see the contempt in his eyes whenever he looks at me. I suppose that's not surprising though, he never liked me much. B'Elanna and Harry hate my guts, I understand why and all but…"
"Why?" He paused in mid sentence at her interruption and focused his shining blue eyes on her, confusion clear in their depths. Sandrine knew better though, she knew he'd understood the question, he was just stalling.
"What?"
"Why do they treat you like that? They used to be your closest friends. Why?"
"Because I deserve it."
"Why?"
He blew air out of his nose in exasperation and instantly switched from his 'feel sorry for me' persona to defensiveness. They way he always did when somebody questioned his friends. He shoved his chair back along the ground, and leaned forward as if the new position would help get his point across.
"How would you feel if you tried really hard to make someone a friend? You become friends with this person, maybe they're the best friend that you've ever had. For six years you remain friends until one day, the person you worked so hard with to maintain that friendship, just leaves. No explanation or anything. In their eyes I was only their friend until I found 'better' ones. I left them because I never really cared. That is why I deserve this."
She watched his face as he defended them, her own anger beginning to rise. His eyes had turned from their beautiful blue to a light grey. She hated that. His eyes always changed colour when he became angry or upset, or protective. She wouldn't stand for this.
"Is that how you see it Thomas? I don't think you're speaking your true feelings."
"That is how I feel. Now, I've got to go and get this workout done before I run out of time…" She grabbed his arm, using her holo strength to make him remain seated.
"No Thomas. I will not let you run from this now. Do you know what I think?" She didn't wait for his reaction as she launched into her opinion. "I think you're trying to make excuses for them. For six years Thomas, six years you opened up to them a great deal, and when you left them, you left for them. Now you are back and they are treating you this way!" He opened his mouth to counter attack but shut up when she glared at him.
"You are their friend Thomas, they should have welcomed you back and accepted your wish to leave in de first place." Her accent became stronger as she surged forward. "If they knew you as well as you say dey do, than don't you think, my Thomas, that they would have thought that you had more of a reason to leave other than de one you gave them? You may be trying to convince yourself that you betrayed them in some way, but you also feel that dey betrayed you." There, she said it, and now she watched as she reigned in her anger and frustration, all the emotions flickering across the pilot's face.
His skin had paled slightly, and his gaze was darting around the room as he thought. He opened and closed his mouth several times as if to talk, but couldn't find the words. She continued softly.
"Not telling them the real reason you left has been because you want to see if they will still be here to support you even after your departure. You are testing their loyalty to you." He looked into her eyes and her heart broke at the years of pain, hurt and sadness she saw there. For a moment he let a tear slide down his cheek, leaving a glistening path before he brushed it away and stood. She didn't force him to stay this time.
"See ya" he mumbled and abruptly shut down her program.
((/\))
Lieutenant Harry Kim walked the halls of Voyager, deeply lost in thought. Tom had been back for two weeks now, and the only real conversation Harry had had with the man had been on his first night back; and that had been pretty much one sided. The young man turned a corridor and continued his aimless stroll.
He regretted what he had said that night. Hell, he regretted pretty much every bad thing he ever said to anybody, but he really regretted what he had said to Tom. He'd been angry, confused, and he'd had no clue how to react. He still didn't know how to react, that's why he was wandering around now, and had been for the last hour. To make matters worse, B'Elanna had told him about how she had attacked Tom.
She had just gone to speak with him, but when she'd seen him she had completely lost her already weak grip on control. She'd "pummeled him to the ground and threatened him like a Cardassian dog" if he remembered her description accurately. That was the closest to tears he'd ever seen her come, even after Tom had left. Her shame and guilt were driving her, not to mention the whole engineering faculty, crazy. She kept telling him how she wanted to apologize to Tom, but she had been so busy lately with Voyager's monthly check-up going on, and she said that every time she was actually seeing Tom and able to talk to him, he found a way to avoid her. This last week she had barely seen him at all.
That's it! Harry had to talk to Tom, find out why he'd really left, because let's face it, he knew there must have been more to it than a 'better job'. He'd just been too self-absorbed to ever really focus on that point. He wanted to talk to his once lost friend, find out how he was, what he'd been doing the last year, if he planned on remaining on Voyager (that thought made Harry shiver)… But most of all he wanted to apologize and find out if Tom was willing to give their friendship another try. Hopefully.
Harry rounded another corner and walked straight into a wall. No wait; walls didn't wear clothes. He looked up and yelped in surprise. Talk about a coincidence! "Tom!" The taller man gazed down on him with eyes that didn't tell Harry anything about what he was thinking. He missed the days when he could at least get a gist of the pilot's feelings by looking into the blue orbs.
"Sorry sir." He reached down and helped pull Harry off the ground with no effort at all. Had he been working out? "I'll watch where I'm going next time."
"No, don't worry about it. It was my fault." Harry stammered, cursing himself for sounding so nervous. He took in his friend's appearance as he stood there in a pair of gray pants and a sweat soaked t-shirt. Yep, he'd been working out. Tom stepped to his right and walked passed him and Harry turned around to face the departing figures back.
"Tom! We need to talk! Please?"
"Sorry lieutenant, I have a shift to prepare for and you're late for a staff meeting." With that the blonde man was gone. Harry cursed and rushed off to the briefing room.
((()))
"Is that all for today?" Captain Janeway glanced at each officer in the room, acknowledging that they didn't have anything else to say before she ended the staff meeting.
"Now Aunt Kathy. I think we've neglected to talk about a topic that's on all your minds." U's knowing voice echoed around the room a second before he appeared behind an empty chair. He twisted it to the side and sat in it, spinning back to lean his elbows on the large table and steeple his fingers. He raised his eyebrows. "It's been two weeks and you all still haven't talked to Tom." He paused a moment as he pondered this fact before continuing. "Well, except for Tuvok there, Neelix, that annoying hologram Doctor, Seven of Nine, and Naomi. Nice kid." Guilty looks passed between Harry and B'Elanna while everyone else kept their faces stoic. Janeway appeared annoyed more than anything else, and U frowned inwardly.
"U." The lovely Captain spoke patiently, as though talking to, well, his father. He didn't appreciate that. "We have a busy schedule and if Mr. Paris decides he wants to talk than he can come to us. As it is, he hasn't been very approachable."
"Well that's certainly unusual isn't it?" U snorted. "I mean, it's not like he spent the last year away from the place he considered 'home,' where his family and friends were, and then came back to be met with such open arms and accepting faces." U spread his arm to include everyone in the room with that comment, except Tuvok. "Did you think he'd just open up ?"
"That's not what happened at all!" B'Elanna ground out angrily at the accusation she felt was placed solely on her. "He's the one who abandoned us. What were we supposed to think?" U glanced at Tuvok in exasperation, being that Tuvok seemed to be the only logical thinking being in the room at that moment. Humans sometimes depended too strongly on their emotions, a trait shared with the klingons. U wanted to help the pilot. And he was the only one, other than the holographical Sandrine on this ship who knew what the pilot was going through, and more importantly had gone through. U wanted to just yell at them about all that had gone on in the last year with the man they were so upset with. He wanted to tell them all about Tom Paris' childhood and life. He wanted to help the man he had come to respect so deeply, but he couldn't because that man had asked him not to. Well, U supposed he would just have to settle for giving 'hints.' He frowned at the room.
"If that's how you feel, then I think he's wasting his time here."
"Send my crew home and I will fight for you."
The ring was surrounded by a forcefield, masses of cheering people stood beyond, excited and greedy eyes gazing in. "I will not kill!" The ring was surrounded by an electric fence, a collar strapped securely around the necks of the three beings within. "You call this a good time? You cheer for blood! You gamble with blood money! You bring shame to yourselves!" The dirt floor mixed with blood, cheering voices blending with the mess. "You will kill him!" Red eyes glowed in anger. "I will NOT!" Grey eyes glared back, two dancing daggers ready to strike. There was no mercy there.
"He will learn, or die."
The Senior staff sat in steadfast silence, some breathing rapidly from the emotions held within the images, no, the memories, that had just assaulted their minds. Baytart brought a hand to his face, rubbing it over his lips and cupping his chin a moment before clasping it within his other hand, upon the table. "You guys felt that, right?"
"It was like a collage of memories. There was so much...fear and anger there, I remember that, but I can't get the images back. I'm losing the memory." Chakotay met Janeway's steel gray eyes to confirm if she had sensed it as well. Slightly she nodded her acknowledgment, and then turned to look at the now empty chair across from Chakotay. U was gone.
"Did anybody understand what they saw?" She glanced around the room, her officers were quiet as they figure out what they had seen and felt, but couldn't remember clearly. Janeway couldn't remember either. Like a scent in the breeze the images were with her in the blink of an eye, and gone in less. She knew intrusion of images where from U, so she wasn't too worried about possible harm to her crew. He hadn't shown any hostility yet, but damn, she wanted to remember what she had just experienced. It was dancing just out of her reach, and she knew it was something very important.
"No Captain," came the mumbled replies from the pre-occupied senior staff, as they sought to regain the images.
"Dismissed." She noticed that Tuvok was the only being who left the room without the frown of concentration covering his features. She leaned back in her chair, three words echoing in her mind, and she couldn't make sense of them. Fight for you.
The routine began as usual, all the boys silently getting up and heading to the showers. Then they would change into their white, grey or black uniforms and eat and prepare for another day of rigorous training under their teachers. The different colour uniforms signified their level of skill within the school, black being the best, white being the inexperienced. Thomas didn't, however, don his black uniform. Instead, he pulled on the stylish dress uniform Sul'Ta had given him the night before, because today wasn't an ordinary day for him. Oh no. Today, for the first time in ten years Thomas was going home for the week to visit his family. He hadn't seen them since his father had handed him over to Sental and Starfleet's Elite Program (SEP), and didn't even remember what the Admiral looked like, let alone his mother or sisters.
After he had dressed he headed to Sental's office. He'd been in there once before, and that had been four years ago. Thomas remembered it clearly.
It had been a day of hard training. Really hard. Thomas wasn't sure if he even had the energy to remain standing off to the side of Sental's office, but he forced himself to remain still, his back as straight as he could manage despite his aching ribs. Sental didn't seem very happy; his cheeks were tinged red with barely-concealed anger. He was sitting at his large metallic desk, vid-screen off to his right, and he was glaring at Sul'Ta, Vivix, and Alkeric, who was the station's telepath.
"What do you mean he doesn't have it anymore? You don't just 'lose' the ability." Sental's voice was calm and carried an iciness that Thomas had long ago associated with the man that he hated and feared so much. Alkeric puckered his lips a moment, from nervousness or thought Thomas wasn't sure, and then the Betazoid began his explanation.
What was the ability? Thomas had to think for a moment, it had been explained to him when he had first arrived here. Oh, right. It was a very slight psychic ability that he had. Nothing allowing him to read minds or anything, but it gave him a sixth sense for danger. Mind you, the only times it worked was when he was just about to be attacked by someone. Sental had wanted him to train with this ability to become one of his "Elite" soldiers; it was the only reason Thomas was on the moon's station in the first place.
"He doesn't have it. That's the basic gist of it. When I first met him it was fairly strong, but over the last three years he has slowly been losing it. As of yesterday night I can't sense it anymore. Cadet Thomas no longer has his psychic intuition."
"How?"
"Well, usually as children grow they gain more strength, physically and mentally. In the case of psychics it is the same, but there is the occasional occurrence where as the child develops, he loses his ability. It may have been he was too young to begin his training to use it in this 'project', or it just wasn't meant to be." Alkeric shrugged indifference, and clasped his hands behind his back to hide their shaking. Thomas noticed it from his place along the wall.
He'd also noticed the lack of his sixth sense a long time ago, almost a year ago actually. It just didn't work to focus on predicting when a sparring partner was about to strike by the aura he set off. It became much easier to watch for more physical warning signs, such as a widening in the opponents eyes the moment before attack, the clenching of jaw muscles, etc.… He couldn't figure out the big deal at the complete loss of an ability he hadn't used in a long time.
"So we have wasted three years training this boy in everything from Betazoid meditating techniques to Vulcan martial arts, wasting a great deal of energy and resources on something that isn't what we thought!" Sental was fuming now.
"I told you it was too early to train the child. We should have waited and learned more of his abilities before throwing him right into this project. If we let him go now he might be a security risk." Vivix glared right back at Sental, and his annoyance at her uncharacteristic outburst hastened her to throw a timid "Sir" at the end of her tirade. Sul'Ta however, who had been Thomas's main teacher the last three years, had a different opinion entirely. Thomas listened intently, not a flicker of emotion on his face as they were discussing him, and possibly his future.
"I disagree that Cadet Thomas's training has been a 'waste.' Over the three years we have had him he has shown remarkable skill in many areas. He has had difficulty in his hand to hand combat, but he is still young and has only been trained minimally in that area. His skills as a pilot however, are some of the most impressive I have ever seen. We can always use a strong pilot. He has an uncanny ability to understand electronics, science, and field medicine. He is currently fluent in four languages, which he picked up with ease. He is a hard worker for his age and I believe he shows much promise in our organization."
"You better be dead sure about those opinions Sul'Ta, because I am not going to allow him to remain in this program unless he can be used. You know this is Starfleet's highest and most classified organization. There would be outrage amongst the public and regular Starfleeters if they knew what was going. We'd be finished."
"I understand sir. I believe he is still a valuable resource to us." Sul'Ta bowed his head slightly. Vivix bit her lip to keep from arguing. She didn't have a good excuse to get rid of Thomas at the moment, but she didn't like the boy. His blue eyes were filling with more knowledge every time she looked into them, and she felt he could become a real threat to SEP if they didn't keep a tight reign on the child.
"Then he stays. I want his training increased; he is old enough now. Don't make me regret this." The three beings in the room nodded and turned to file out.
"Cadet. Report to the ring in ten minuets." Sul'Ta ordered.
"Aye Sir." Thomas's voice was clear and devoid of any emotion he was feeling. The Vulcan nodded to himself in approval. This was one child he would make sure was trained properly, no matter the techniques.
Now standing stiffly in front of Sental's desk, Thomas stared at a point over his commanding officer's shoulder. The man with black hair, slightly speckled with silver, eyed him through dark, calculating orbs. Thomas didn't say anything.
"Cadet Thomas. You're well today I trust?" It was an empty inquisition, and Thomas replied in kind.
"Yes sir."
"Good. You will be meeting your father, Admiral Paris, shortly. Do you understand what this means?"
"Yes sir. Master Sul'Ta explained it to me in great detail."
"Good. Perhaps you could explain it to me then," Sental asked Thomas, as though he were an idiot. Thomas kept his face void of emotion as he seethed inside. He knew one hell of a lot more than Sental probably ever would. If he wanted to, he could kill him with little to no effort right on the spot and the arrogant man would never know what hit him. But instead, Thomas answered his question, keeping the man happy. He was his commanding officer after all, and if it was the only thing his father had ever taught him, it was to respect your commanding officer. Though it was hard for Thomas to respect anyone in this place.
"For the last ten years I have been training in engineering, science, communications, piloting and basic combat within this school. This station and all the training we, as cadets here receive, is highly classified, even to my father, an admiral of Starfleet. I will play the cover I have been given as a student from an advanced boarding school, no more, no less."
"Good. And you know what will happen if you don't?"
Thomas suppressed a shiver that wanted to run a path down his spine. "Yes sir."
"Good. Have a pleasant visit with your blood relations."
"Yes sir."
"Dismissed to the shuttle bay." Thomas saluted, and walked briskly from the cold office. It hadn't changed much since his first visit there, and probably never would change. He was only fourteen years old, but Thomas was mature in a way that very few humans ever would be. Sental's comment about Thomas visiting his 'blood relations' wasn't lost on the young man either. This Elite school, and him as an Elite Cadet, was the only family he was supposed to have. It was the only life he was supposed to have, but now he was being ordered to visit with his blood family. His stomach twisted from the nerves he was having problems controlling. The only reason he was being sent to visit was because the Admiral had requested to see how his son was turning out. Not fulfilling the request would raise suspicion. Thomas entered the shuttle bay and awaited the arrival of his shuttle.
((()))
The room was dark, but not quiet as ragged breathing was heard, filling in the silence. Tom twisted on top of his bed covers, his hands clenching at his sides, and then in a quick movement he was sitting straight up, covered in a sheen of sweat. He glanced wildly in the darkness, his eyes quickly adjusting, and he allowed his rigid muscles to relax as he recognized where he was.
Everything was fine. He let out a long breath and rubbed the back of his neck in relief, until the memories of his last week back aboard Voyager came rushing back. Damnit! He threw his legs over the side of his bed and headed to the bathroom, pulling out the sink and splashing some cold water on his face to chase away the last of his nightmare.
It wasn't fair. His thoughts sounded like a whiney brat, but at the moment he wasn't particularly concerned. He tried, he was still trying, to make things right onboard Voyager. He'd gone and apologized to every one of his old friends, but they had just turned away in anger. He growled in frustration and headed to his closet, roughly pulling out a pair of comfortable shorts and a t-shirt. Now dressed he left his quarters.
As usual at this early hour, nobody was using the holodeck, and he stepped through the doorway and into a place he had considered a haven for as long as he'd known it existed.
"Thomas! It is three in the morning, what are you doing here and not in your bed?" The familiar voice drifted to him over the soft background music, and he saw her heading around the bar towards him. He smiled warmly at her. Although she was a hologram, he loved her like the real Sandrine. She gestured him towards a seat and sat across from him.
"You are going to exercise yourself to exhaustion my Thomas." When will his end ? she thought sadly. "How have things been for you?" She watched him intently, searching for whatever truth she could get from him, but as his usual smart mouthed, arrogant, uncaring emotional masks slowly dropped in her presence revealing a tired, lonely, weary man, she knew tonight she would get the truth from him without having to try.
Why did he do this to himself? She knew that his childhood was a large factor in how he treated himself and others. His damn pride and natural stubbornness were two other problems he had going for himself; but all he needed to do was tell his friends the truth.
"I don't know how to handle this Sandrine. I can't go anywhere without having the cold shoulder turned on me. Hell, I've been attacked by Burkenson three times! I've only been back one week, but of course, he's just the classic 'kick 'em while they're down' type, that literally kicks." Tom ran a hand through his short hair and folded his arms across his chest. "He roped Cartel, Higsley, and Sheeta into holding me one time." His voice was laced with regret and sadness. "Sheeta once told me she'd fight any battle by my side; I guess she had a change of heart." Sandrine leaned across the table and pulled one of his arms from their tight coil around him, grasping his hand it what was hopefully a comforting gesture as he continued.
"How could I have screwed my life up so completely?" At this he smiled, full of self-mockery. "You know Chakotay doesn't show it openly, but I see the contempt in his eyes whenever he looks at me. I suppose that's not surprising though, he never liked me much. B'Elanna and Harry hate my guts, I understand why and all but…"
"Why?" He paused in mid sentence at her interruption and focused his shining blue eyes on her, confusion clear in their depths. Sandrine knew better though, she knew he'd understood the question, he was just stalling.
"What?"
"Why do they treat you like that? They used to be your closest friends. Why?"
"Because I deserve it."
"Why?"
He blew air out of his nose in exasperation and instantly switched from his 'feel sorry for me' persona to defensiveness. They way he always did when somebody questioned his friends. He shoved his chair back along the ground, and leaned forward as if the new position would help get his point across.
"How would you feel if you tried really hard to make someone a friend? You become friends with this person, maybe they're the best friend that you've ever had. For six years you remain friends until one day, the person you worked so hard with to maintain that friendship, just leaves. No explanation or anything. In their eyes I was only their friend until I found 'better' ones. I left them because I never really cared. That is why I deserve this."
She watched his face as he defended them, her own anger beginning to rise. His eyes had turned from their beautiful blue to a light grey. She hated that. His eyes always changed colour when he became angry or upset, or protective. She wouldn't stand for this.
"Is that how you see it Thomas? I don't think you're speaking your true feelings."
"That is how I feel. Now, I've got to go and get this workout done before I run out of time…" She grabbed his arm, using her holo strength to make him remain seated.
"No Thomas. I will not let you run from this now. Do you know what I think?" She didn't wait for his reaction as she launched into her opinion. "I think you're trying to make excuses for them. For six years Thomas, six years you opened up to them a great deal, and when you left them, you left for them. Now you are back and they are treating you this way!" He opened his mouth to counter attack but shut up when she glared at him.
"You are their friend Thomas, they should have welcomed you back and accepted your wish to leave in de first place." Her accent became stronger as she surged forward. "If they knew you as well as you say dey do, than don't you think, my Thomas, that they would have thought that you had more of a reason to leave other than de one you gave them? You may be trying to convince yourself that you betrayed them in some way, but you also feel that dey betrayed you." There, she said it, and now she watched as she reigned in her anger and frustration, all the emotions flickering across the pilot's face.
His skin had paled slightly, and his gaze was darting around the room as he thought. He opened and closed his mouth several times as if to talk, but couldn't find the words. She continued softly.
"Not telling them the real reason you left has been because you want to see if they will still be here to support you even after your departure. You are testing their loyalty to you." He looked into her eyes and her heart broke at the years of pain, hurt and sadness she saw there. For a moment he let a tear slide down his cheek, leaving a glistening path before he brushed it away and stood. She didn't force him to stay this time.
"See ya" he mumbled and abruptly shut down her program.
((/\))
Lieutenant Harry Kim walked the halls of Voyager, deeply lost in thought. Tom had been back for two weeks now, and the only real conversation Harry had had with the man had been on his first night back; and that had been pretty much one sided. The young man turned a corridor and continued his aimless stroll.
He regretted what he had said that night. Hell, he regretted pretty much every bad thing he ever said to anybody, but he really regretted what he had said to Tom. He'd been angry, confused, and he'd had no clue how to react. He still didn't know how to react, that's why he was wandering around now, and had been for the last hour. To make matters worse, B'Elanna had told him about how she had attacked Tom.
She had just gone to speak with him, but when she'd seen him she had completely lost her already weak grip on control. She'd "pummeled him to the ground and threatened him like a Cardassian dog" if he remembered her description accurately. That was the closest to tears he'd ever seen her come, even after Tom had left. Her shame and guilt were driving her, not to mention the whole engineering faculty, crazy. She kept telling him how she wanted to apologize to Tom, but she had been so busy lately with Voyager's monthly check-up going on, and she said that every time she was actually seeing Tom and able to talk to him, he found a way to avoid her. This last week she had barely seen him at all.
That's it! Harry had to talk to Tom, find out why he'd really left, because let's face it, he knew there must have been more to it than a 'better job'. He'd just been too self-absorbed to ever really focus on that point. He wanted to talk to his once lost friend, find out how he was, what he'd been doing the last year, if he planned on remaining on Voyager (that thought made Harry shiver)… But most of all he wanted to apologize and find out if Tom was willing to give their friendship another try. Hopefully.
Harry rounded another corner and walked straight into a wall. No wait; walls didn't wear clothes. He looked up and yelped in surprise. Talk about a coincidence! "Tom!" The taller man gazed down on him with eyes that didn't tell Harry anything about what he was thinking. He missed the days when he could at least get a gist of the pilot's feelings by looking into the blue orbs.
"Sorry sir." He reached down and helped pull Harry off the ground with no effort at all. Had he been working out? "I'll watch where I'm going next time."
"No, don't worry about it. It was my fault." Harry stammered, cursing himself for sounding so nervous. He took in his friend's appearance as he stood there in a pair of gray pants and a sweat soaked t-shirt. Yep, he'd been working out. Tom stepped to his right and walked passed him and Harry turned around to face the departing figures back.
"Tom! We need to talk! Please?"
"Sorry lieutenant, I have a shift to prepare for and you're late for a staff meeting." With that the blonde man was gone. Harry cursed and rushed off to the briefing room.
((()))
"Is that all for today?" Captain Janeway glanced at each officer in the room, acknowledging that they didn't have anything else to say before she ended the staff meeting.
"Now Aunt Kathy. I think we've neglected to talk about a topic that's on all your minds." U's knowing voice echoed around the room a second before he appeared behind an empty chair. He twisted it to the side and sat in it, spinning back to lean his elbows on the large table and steeple his fingers. He raised his eyebrows. "It's been two weeks and you all still haven't talked to Tom." He paused a moment as he pondered this fact before continuing. "Well, except for Tuvok there, Neelix, that annoying hologram Doctor, Seven of Nine, and Naomi. Nice kid." Guilty looks passed between Harry and B'Elanna while everyone else kept their faces stoic. Janeway appeared annoyed more than anything else, and U frowned inwardly.
"U." The lovely Captain spoke patiently, as though talking to, well, his father. He didn't appreciate that. "We have a busy schedule and if Mr. Paris decides he wants to talk than he can come to us. As it is, he hasn't been very approachable."
"Well that's certainly unusual isn't it?" U snorted. "I mean, it's not like he spent the last year away from the place he considered 'home,' where his family and friends were, and then came back to be met with such open arms and accepting faces." U spread his arm to include everyone in the room with that comment, except Tuvok. "Did you think he'd just open up ?"
"That's not what happened at all!" B'Elanna ground out angrily at the accusation she felt was placed solely on her. "He's the one who abandoned us. What were we supposed to think?" U glanced at Tuvok in exasperation, being that Tuvok seemed to be the only logical thinking being in the room at that moment. Humans sometimes depended too strongly on their emotions, a trait shared with the klingons. U wanted to help the pilot. And he was the only one, other than the holographical Sandrine on this ship who knew what the pilot was going through, and more importantly had gone through. U wanted to just yell at them about all that had gone on in the last year with the man they were so upset with. He wanted to tell them all about Tom Paris' childhood and life. He wanted to help the man he had come to respect so deeply, but he couldn't because that man had asked him not to. Well, U supposed he would just have to settle for giving 'hints.' He frowned at the room.
"If that's how you feel, then I think he's wasting his time here."
"Send my crew home and I will fight for you."
The ring was surrounded by a forcefield, masses of cheering people stood beyond, excited and greedy eyes gazing in. "I will not kill!" The ring was surrounded by an electric fence, a collar strapped securely around the necks of the three beings within. "You call this a good time? You cheer for blood! You gamble with blood money! You bring shame to yourselves!" The dirt floor mixed with blood, cheering voices blending with the mess. "You will kill him!" Red eyes glowed in anger. "I will NOT!" Grey eyes glared back, two dancing daggers ready to strike. There was no mercy there.
"He will learn, or die."
The Senior staff sat in steadfast silence, some breathing rapidly from the emotions held within the images, no, the memories, that had just assaulted their minds. Baytart brought a hand to his face, rubbing it over his lips and cupping his chin a moment before clasping it within his other hand, upon the table. "You guys felt that, right?"
"It was like a collage of memories. There was so much...fear and anger there, I remember that, but I can't get the images back. I'm losing the memory." Chakotay met Janeway's steel gray eyes to confirm if she had sensed it as well. Slightly she nodded her acknowledgment, and then turned to look at the now empty chair across from Chakotay. U was gone.
"Did anybody understand what they saw?" She glanced around the room, her officers were quiet as they figure out what they had seen and felt, but couldn't remember clearly. Janeway couldn't remember either. Like a scent in the breeze the images were with her in the blink of an eye, and gone in less. She knew intrusion of images where from U, so she wasn't too worried about possible harm to her crew. He hadn't shown any hostility yet, but damn, she wanted to remember what she had just experienced. It was dancing just out of her reach, and she knew it was something very important.
"No Captain," came the mumbled replies from the pre-occupied senior staff, as they sought to regain the images.
"Dismissed." She noticed that Tuvok was the only being who left the room without the frown of concentration covering his features. She leaned back in her chair, three words echoing in her mind, and she couldn't make sense of them. Fight for you.