Hey, this is a newbie from yours truly. Have fun reading, if you decide to
read at all. Feedback is appreciated beyond belief.
Author's Note:
This story is based on one of my greatest fears, though I have no idea why. Nothing like this has ever happened to me, unless I suffer from suppressed memory. This is also another reason why I don't trust doctors.
For YET ANOTHER reason why I wrote this, check the bottom.
Another Author's Note: Lyrics placed in the story are surrounded by and.
*Iris*
A Star Trek: Voyager story
By Shawshank
Inspired by the song, 'Iris' by the Goo Goo Dolls. If you haven't heard it, you must have been living in a cave for the past decade.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow;
Fear. I haunted her wherever she went. Even when she was alone, she still kept an eye out on her surroundings, always watching. If she let her guard down, even for a second, she would be broken again. Of that one fact she was sure.
It had happened so many years ago, but after it she had never been the same. It had hurt her, shaken her through her heart and soul. She had pushed away everyone she ever loved. She would never trust again.
Her name was Iris Tigris, and she was afraid.
She had changed her habits. Her studies became her whole life, and she fell in love with engineering, the one thing that couldn't break her heart.
Her mother had pressured her into taking a job. After all, it was only a short-term assignment on a starship, and she liked to travel.
Then, they had gotten thrown into the Delta Quadrant by an entity called the caretaker; 70, 000 light years away from home. Seventy years was an awful long time for her to keep up her walls, but she would make it. She had made it through 'The Incident', so she could make it through anything.
She thrived when she was alone. She suffered when she was with others. Always keeping that gleam of hatred and mistrust in her eye, or just being without emotion was her norm. In the close family relationship on the good ship Voyager, her emotional control was hard to maintain. She found herself beginning to trust again.
So Iris extracted herself from the family. She found a new reason to hate every single one of them every day, and this kept her going.
She was feeling a lot better these days, though she still had trouble sleeping. Even though she initiated a privacy lock on her door every single night, she still knew that there were many people who could bypass that code.
Besides that, life was being good to her, for a change. Her work in engineering was highly eventful, no one talked to her, and she had even managed to avoid the Doctor's yearly physicals, so far. She was an engineer, after all, and she always found something new to do to distract him. Her luck had even stretched so far as to exclude her physicals last year, because Sickbay had been overcrowded.
However, that time was rolling around again, and she needed to come up with a new scheme to distract him. There was no way that she would let anyone find out anything about her past. If they did, they might try to reach out to her. She would let her guard down, and end up right back where she started. And she had sworn to herself that she would never go back there.
Engineering had been extremely busy, and she could tell the Doc that she was too busy to come in, maybe next week... and so on until he forgot.
She forgot one factor - holograms do NOT forget.
So, she found herself in Sickbay a mere three weeks later, glaring with hate and mistrust - filled eyes at the extremely pissed off hologram in front of her.
"Crewman Tigris, you haven't seen me for your yearly physicals since we first started this crazy journey! You've missed every single one of them, and you've never reported to Sickbay for any of the injuries you've sustained. Either you're a very skilled medic or a very idiotic and cocky engineer. Change into this and have a seat on a biobed."
She cast the blue medical gown a sickened and fear - laced glance, and stepped back a pace.
"Sorry, Doctor, but blue isn't my colour."
He turned on her in fury.
"Crewman, this physical is imperative to your health. You're worse about this than Lieutenant Paris! The medical gown, now."
"No, Doctor. I can't-"
Her voice managed to choke out the words before she backed into a wall, away from the hologram she found so frightening. He noticed her strange expression, and decided to run a scan. As he unfolded his tricorder, she knocked it out of his hands with desperation.
"Computer, deactivate EMH!"
He shimmered out of existence, a surprised expression on his face. Iris ran quickly to the Sickbay computer, and brought up the Doctor's file. She opened the yearly physical files, using her own access codes and ones she had overheard. She deleted her file from the Doctor's program, and replaced it with a copy of a randomly selected file, with only the names and the personnel picture changed.
She allowed herself a sigh of relief, and went to the Doctor's logs, changing the information to match the files stored in the main computer.
She left Sickbay before someone could catch her, and headed back to engineering.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't wanna go home right now.
That night, in holodeck two, Iris was watching some of the crew playing pool in Sandrine's. The doors opened to admit the Doctor, his mobile emitter flashing under the lamp - light. She made good her escape; waiting until the Doctor was watching Lieutenant Paris sink the eight ball in a corner pocket before sneaking out the door.
She paced through the corridors of Voyager, slightly shaking from the close encounter. No one had suspected that she had something to hide, and if they had, they weren't trying to find out what it was. Nobody cared - that was good.
She kept glancing behind her, afraid of being followed, as she completed the walk from holodeck two to her quarters. She initiated the privacy lock and went into the bathroom to change into her two - piece, light green and blue pyjamas. She held her favorite stuffed animal and watched the door until she fell asleep.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life;
Lieutenant Paris was working the beta shift in Sickbay, and the Doctor was having him run diagnostics on the files stored in the database.
An interesting blip showed up on the computer. The files had been altered, and the person who had altered them hadn't covered their tracks very well. The files clearly showed file depletion, followed by file addition.
"Doc, someone's been messing around in the database."
The hologram ran over at warp speed.
"What?"
"It's just what I said, Doc. This file's been altered."
"How is that possible?"
"See for yourself."
The hologram leaned over his assistant's shoulder, and saw the same thing Tom had noticed. He straightened up in an attempt to assess the situation, and backed away from the computer as if it held a deadly virus.
"You'd better check your logs. Maybe our culprit forgot to alter them to contain the same information."
The Doctor nodded, still too shocked to speak, and scrolled through his logs. How could anyone get past the securities around the database? Or rather, who? He noticed the same blip in his logs.
"Too late, Mr. Paris. They've altered my logs as well."
Tom's eyebrow rose with a will of it's own towards his hairline.
"I'm going to open the file. There's got to a mistake here somewhere."
As the Doctor sat back in his chair, pondering over the motives behind the actions.
"The files belong to a certain Iris Tigris."
He continued to read, and inexplicably started laughing.
"Mr. Paris, I see nothing amusing about this situation."
He was nearly in tears now. He just pointed at the screen, and the hologram started reading.
Chief Medical Officer's log, stardate 478.19
Crewman Tigris reported in for her yearly physical at 0900 hours, and appears to be in an excellent state of health, according to Vulcan standards. Her logic is as fine - tuned as always, and Mr. Neelix's attempts to make her laugh have still proved unsuccessful. She expects to undergo the ponn farr soon, according to the slight green blush I noticed when I brought it up....
The Doctor turned to Tom, who had calmed down a little, and started out the door, saying, "I'll report this to the Captain. Stay here and hold up the fort, Mr. Paris."
With that, he was gone.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't wanna miss you tonight.
When Kathryn Janeway first saw the Doctor step on to the bridge, she knew it was something bad. If it was anything but bad, he would have contacted her over the comm system and asked her to come to Sickbay.
She shot Chakotay a slightly bemused glance and stood up to address the Doctor.
"It's nice of you to grace us with your presence, Doctor, but may I ask what is so important that you couldn't ask me to visit you?"
His face had a rare look of frustration to it, and he simply nodded towards her ready room.
Yep, it was bad.
She sauntered in, trying to keep the smile off her face. He followed her in, looking for all the world as though the universe was about to fall down on their heads.
She took a seat on her desk and simply sat.
She didn't have long to wait.
"Captain, someone has been tampering with the logs in Sickbay, for reasons unknown. I uploaded the file that has been altered onto this PADD, and I want you to read it and tell me if it sounds suspicious!"
His voice had gradually escalated from slight frustration to extreme rage as he explained the situation, and he pulled out the PADD with a flourish, handing it to Janeway.
As she scrolled through the log entries listed there, she felt more and more confused. Until she reached the one that Tom Paris had been looking over.
^^^^^^^^^^^
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
The sounds of Kathryn Janeway's hysterical laughter filtered out onto the bridge, and the entire bridge crew, including Tuvok, stared at the ready room door, concerned for their Captain's sanity. Her voice, interrupted at times by stifled chuckles, came crackling over the comm.
::Tuvok, Chakotay, I need to see you in my ready room, now.::
The two officers threw glances at one another and headed for the door, neither willing to suffer the wrath of Janeway, accompanied by the infamous 'death glare'.
^^^^^^^^^^^
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
"Iris Tigris? I don't recall ever meeting her."
"For shame, Chakotay. You're supposed to know everyone on the ship! Besides, after five years, it's kind of hard to meet a stranger on this ship in a Starfleet uniform."
"Captain Janeway, it is logical to conclude that the Crewman herself wished to change her medical record. The procedure of switching medical files is possible, if one has the correct access codes."
"What if we recovered her file? We could find out the truth about her past...but that's kind of hard now that she's changed her file, if she's the one who did it.
"This is not true, Captain. If she has exchanged her medical records for mine, it would be the logical solution that we would find her files under my name."
"Of course! How could I have missed that? If you'll excuse me for a minute..."
The Doctor, who had been the last speaker, moved to the database access port in the Captain's ready room, calling up the medical files. He looked under Tuvok's, and found very little information.
"Apparently, Crewman Tigris doesn't like Sickbay. There are only two entries in here. One is the standard personnel file, and the other is one of my logs."
He opened the file, and read aloud.
"Crewman Tigris has been avoiding sickbay ever since the beginning of our voyage across the Delta Quadrant. I have never seen her for her yearly physical, and I believe she will continue to avoid them. I don't know why, but I'm determined to find out. I'll be observing her for the next few weeks, and recording anything interesting I see. I may even have to report my findings to the Captain, if they are severe enough. I don't believe that I'll have to resort to drastic measures though; I should be able to convince her to stay in Sickbay long enough for me to run a few scans next time she gets knocked unconscious, which shouldn't be long, considering the things we've been through already. I think there's something underneath the wall she constantly has around her though; as a physician, it is my duty to improve the quality of life, so I feel obligated to assist her. Whether she will accept that assistance or not is another matter entirely."
His head dropped into his holographic hands, and he let out a long - suffering sigh between his teeth. This was followed by a long period of uncomfortable silence, until the Captain spoke up.
"Well, Doctor, I think you should stick with your original plan. If you don't come up with anything in a month, we'll be forced to launch an official investigation." She looked around at the other two. "This matter is purely confidential. Nothing leaves this room, unless absolutely necessary. Got it?"
They agreed to silence, and Janeway couldn't resist leaving without a parting shot to the Doctor.
"Good luck getting her into Sickbay."
The three organic people filed out of the ready room, and the Doctor slowly headed to Sickbay. He had a tough job ahead of him, but he had to do it. He didn't want to risk the embarrassment of one of the members of this crew. The holographic matrix in human form strode with new confidence to Sickbay.
^^^^^^^^^
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of truth in your lies;
The Doctor had informed B'Elanna of crewman Tigris' 'identity crisis', and she had agreed to help. So, when the Doctor reported a malfunction in one of the gel packs in Sickbay, the chief engineer naturally sent Crewman Tigris.
"I'm sorry, chief, but I'm busy working on one of the relay conduits right now. Can you send someone else?"
B'Elanna Torres was not one to give up easily, though.
"I suggest you take the job, Crewman. It might help you on your way to a promotion."
Tigris looked even more frightened at the prospect of a promotion, but decided to go. After all, what could be the harm in it? She just had to watch her back.
B'Elanna contacted the Doctor as soon as Iris was out the door.
:: She's heading for you, Doctor. Get ready. ::
:: Copy that, Lieutenant Torres. Project 'Sedative' is now underway. ::
B'Elanna sighed. Though it was obviously not going to be easy, they were going to find out the truth.
Even if it meant ambushing her as she entered Sickbay.
^^^^^^^^^
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.
The Doctor had drafted Tom Paris to help him get Iris Tigris in Sickbay, and keep her there. Tom was going to restrain the crewman while the Doctor injected her with a sedative. Then they would both run scans, in hopes to find something, and as a compromise to missing five years' worth of physicals.
~Crewman Tigris is approaching Sickbay~
The female voice of the computer droned through the small room, and the Doctor hurried to shut it off. She couldn't suspect anything, because if she did, they wouldn't get another chance.
The two men tensed and prepared to jump, and Iris walked into Sickbay.
Her golden eyes swept quickly around the room, noting the suspicious silence, and took a few more steps inside, ignoring the warning sirens inside her mind.
Then Paris sneaked up behind her and grabbed her, and all hell broke loose.
She screamed, and fought for her life, or so it seemed to her. Her sharp eyeteeth had bitten Paris' face several times, in an attempt to puncture his eyes and blind him.
They came pretty close, too.
"Doctor, now!"
Tom yelled at the hologram, whom had stood there dumbfounded throughout the whole scene, not prepared for such resistance from the crewman. He stepped forward now, and injected the sedative into her neck. Her mind was suppressed, but her body kept lashing out at the restraining force.
"Doc, only her brain is inactive. You need to paralyze her body!"
He punched a few keys on the hypospray and quickly injected her again. Her body recoiled, and finally relaxed in Paris' arms. Her eyeteeth were still hanging out over her lips.
They both grabbed tricorders and began performing scans, looking for the elusive truth.
^^^^^^^^^^
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
"It looks like we have our answers, Captain, though I'm not sure I can tell you. It would be violating physician - patient confidentiality, and I'm extremely sure that she wants to keep this a secret."
The Captain of Voyager sighed. The Doctor had a nasty habit of dancing around the truth, though he was often right.
"Well, Doctor, stop beating around the bush and start talking."
The hologram sighed and averted his eyes, simply handing her a PADD and walking out of his office to check up on Iris Tigris.
As Janeway read the report, her eyes got wider and wider, matching her escalating surprise.
She put the PADD down and sighed. Like the Doctor had told her many times over, every injury leaves a mark, and it just takes a good physician to find those marks.
Unfortunately for Iris, there were many marks, and the EMH was an excellent physician.
It now became obvious to her why Iris was so concentrated in her work and why she had taught herself to blend in with the shadows. After all, she would do the same if this were she in the same situation. Even though Iris was not human, she was still easily embarrassed.
She looked over to the main part of Sickbay, where Iris was starting to wake up. The Doctor had neutralized the paralysis medication, and the sedative was wearing off on it's own. Her eyes snapped open, and she moved to attack the Doctor, until her mind regained control of her actions.
In her species, the mind and body were two separate functions, and unless you were calm, the body would take over and instinct would rule your actions. Mind control could only be obtained through emotional control.
She stood up and scratched at the fur-like hair on her head. She also had a soft layer of short fur growing all over her body. She had always reminded Janeway of a dog, or some kind of four-legged Earth animal.
Iris glanced towards the Doctor's office, and noticed Janeway looking gently at her. She glared at the Doctor, knowing that the secret she had hidden for so long was now out in the open.
At this realization, she simply growled softly and strode out of Sickbay, ignoring the Doctor who was yammering behind her back. She prowled with a straight back through the corridors, wanting to head for Engineering, but starting for the mess hall instead with her small, softly complaining stomach.
She strode through the door which had opened in front of her, and quietly headed for a table in the corner, hoping to be ignored. However, for the first time in her life, she was not that lucky.
"Greetings, crewman."
Seven of Nine stood in front of her. Iris was surprised at this, seeing as Seven of Nine had never even acknowledged her presence before.
"May I join you?"
Iris looked down at the table, afraid that Seven knew of her secret. The ex - Borg took this as a 'yes', and sat.
"You are embarrassed and afraid. Why?"
Iris had to hold back a slight smile. Seven had always been blunt, one of the qualities she admired in the blonde woman.
"I...never mind. Don't worry about it."
"I do not worry. However, I am concerned about your behavioral patterns, which I have been studying in an attempt to better understand human behavior. You are extremely anti - social. Might I ask why?"
Iris' golden eyes stared into Seven's blue ones.
"I find that it's better to keep to yourself. You can't get hurt."
Her voice choked at these last few words. She had already been hurt, and her wall had gone up too late to prevent it. She did miss people every once in a while, but she always told herself that her isolation was for the best.
"I'm afraid that I must argue that point. When the crew was placed in stasis chambers, I was alone with the Doctor, who is not much of a conversationalist. I began to hallucinate, and I was extremely lonely. I...missed the comfort which the crew provided. When they were taken out of stasis, I was relieved. I never want to be alone again. You, however, have been alone for your entire existence, or so it seems. I once again wish to know why."
"I just...I can't answer that."
"Why not?"
"Seven, why do you ask so many questions?"
Seven looked surprised at this question, and had to pause to gather her thoughts before she replied.
"I am curious, and concerned for your well - being."
"I'm fine! No one cared before, why should they care now?"
One of Seven's silvery blonde eyebrows rose slightly.
"Because we could never reach you before. I believe that just the simple fact that you are willing to hold a conversation shows that you desire companionship."
"Well, I'm not willing any more. Goodnight, Seven."
Iris left the mess hall, leaving Seven of Nine with her own thoughts.
Crewman Tigris once again slept, still facing her doors. It wasn't as hard to fall asleep anymore, but she still feared, especially after Lieutenant Paris had demonstrated how easily he could restrain her. She decided that she would work to become stronger, so no one could hold her down ever again.
She fell asleep with a determined and yet satisfied grimace on her slightly fuzzy face.
^^^^^^^^^^^
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
The next 'day' saw Iris Tigris in a holographic recreation of what humans called a 'gymnasium'. There were all sorts of gymnastics equipment scattered around the room. Iris had excelled in gymnastics in Starfleet academy, so she decided to take it up once more.
She headed for the parallel bars and began to swing back and forth on the lower one, her body contracted so she wouldn't hit the floor. She stood on top of the bar, and jumped for the higher one. When her hands contacted it, she swung up and over, flipping backwards before landing on the floor. She then headed for the rings, ending up holding herself perfectly straight up and down, tiny beads of sweat starting to pop out on her forehead. She swung down and rolled; now heading for the vaulting horse. She did a handspring and rolled over it, both legs in the 'splits' position on either side of her. Iris landed on all fours and decided that this was enough for one day.
Iris padded towards where she had left her uniform, and quickly changed back into it before high - tailing it to engineering and the wrath of B'Elanna Torres.
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And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres was NOT having a good day.
The warp plasma conduits had overloaded, causing teams of engineers to be running around all over the ship, trying to fix them before it started a warp core breach. Then, half of the sonic showers had broken down on decks eight through fourteen. The final straw was when the environmental controls had short circuited, causing many people to be uncomfortably cold for about two hours.
Of course, she forgot all of her problems when Crewman Tigris walked in.
Iris had somehow lost her ability to be unnoticed, and she got funny looks from many of the engineering crew. They had all heard about the ambush in Sickbay by Tom and the Doctor, but no one knew what the scans had revealed, leaving an extremely curious but still respectful of her privacy gossip pool.
B'Elanna assigned her to one of the warp plasma conduits, which was still seemingly overloading itself. She sent Sue Nicoletti with her, in hopes that Sue would get her to talk about her problems.
When Nicoletti reported to her three hours later, she sighed.
"I couldn't get a squeak out of her, Chief. If she wants help, she isn't showing it."
The plasma conduit was in perfect working order, but Tigris' self image was not, and hadn't been for quite a while.
B'Elanna decided to ask Tigris herself, thinking that she could get some answers, if no one else could. During lunch break, she gave command of engineering to Vorik and followed Tigris to turbolift one.
Each formally greeted the other as they stepped into the turbolift. For a few minutes, they chatted away about problems in engineering, each decidedly dancing around the subject at hand. Finally, B'Elanna couldn't take it any more.
"Computer, halt turbolift. Tigris, talk to me. You need help, and you're getting it whether you want it or not. Tell me what's wrong."
Iris turned her golden eyes to B'Elanna's face.
"I can deal with my own problems. I don't need help."
"Are you so afraid of being embarrassed that you isolate yourself from the crew? Look, all probability states that we'll be stuck here for the next fifty years or so. Do you want to spend all of that time with only a hologram and your own conscious for company?"
"If I have to, yes."
B'Elanna's teeth bared themselves. She was not one to give up easily.
"What scares you so much that you won't talk about it, no matter how long ago it happened? And why do you purposely miss your yearly physicals? We worry about you, Iris. You need to tell us what happened, or we can't do anything for you."
"Who's this we you keep talking about? No one cared before they heard about the ambush in Sickbay! No one would even try to talk to me!"
B'Elanna couldn't believe this.
"We never talked to you because we didn't know you were there. You were too afraid to even make yourself noticeable? Now you tell me, who's to blame here?"
"I just...I can't."
B'Elanna sighed. She was getting somewhere, but all this dodging wouldn't help her any sooner.
"Can't what?"
She softened her voice.
"He'll kill me."
"What!"
Now she was really getting somewhere. There was a man involved, and B'Elanna could guess where this was leading.
"If I tell...he'll kill me."
Tigris sounded like a two - year - old, debating whether to tell on her older brother for stealing a cookie or not.
"Who's he?"
"A man...on Earth."
A man on Earth? Why was she worried about a man on Earth? Last time she checked they were stuck in the Delta Quadrant.
"He's in the Alpha Quadrant. He can't hurt you anymore."
Yeah, hollow reassurance, but it usually worked, didn't it?
"When we get back. He'll kill me..."
"No, he won't. All likely - hood says that he'll be dead by the time we get back. Besides, how do you know that he isn't dead now?"
"I DON'T!"
This last word was screamed in desperation, and Iris slid down to the floor, all mental control gone. Her body was leading the dance, and she was going for a speedy tango.
"Computer, new destination. Sickbay."
"NO!"
"Yes. I'm getting you to Sickbay."
"No. I don't trust doctors."
B'Elanna's eyes widened. She began to believe that she almost had the full picture.
"Was the man a doctor?"
"- Yes -"
This last word was choked out of a throat that was started to clog itself up with fear and desperation.
"Relax, the doctor is a hologram. It would go against his programming. If Tom is there, I'll ask him to back off, okay?"
"But..."
"No buts. We're going, and that's final. I'm not going to let you drown in self pity any longer."
"Not the Doctor..."
B'Elanna sighed, though she couldn't even begin to comprehend what Tigris was going through.
"Look, if it makes you feel better, I'll run the scans myself, okay? I'll get whoever's there to analyze them, but neither the Doctor nor Tom will come within a meter of you. Is that okay?"
There was no reply.
Iris was defeated, and she sullenly slumped on the floor of the turbolift, curled up in a fuzzy ball.
^^^^^^^^^^^
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
Tom Paris was delighted when B'Elanna Torres sauntered into Sickbay. He started to speak, but was cut off.
"Tom, back off. This is a delicate situation."
B'Elanna deftly swiped his medical tricorder, and ran every scan she could think of on the quivering crewman lying on biobed four.
When she had finished, she gave Tigris a light sedative and headed back towards Tom, not daring to beckon him over. That would bring him much too close to Iris for comfort.
She whispered, "what do these readings mean?"
"I can't tell you."
She glared at Tom.
"Why not?"
He started listing the reasons on his fingers.
"Breach of protocol, invasion of privacy, a little something called doctor - patient confidentiality, -"
"Tell her, then."
"What?"
"Tell her what the readings say! She needs a jolt back into reality, Tom. I think this might provide her with that jolt."
"What would that do?"
B'Elanna sighed. Sometimes men could be extremely slow in the head.
"It would bring her out of the pool of self - pity she's been wallowing in for her whole life. Also, the guy who did this to her is back in the Alpha Quadrant - about fifty years away, and she's scared that he'll kill her."
Paris stared at his co - worker and lover.
"B'Elanna, have you ever experienced severe emotional trauma?"
"Not that I can say, though when my father left my mother and I, I was pretty devastated for a few weeks."
"Do you know what this woman has been through?"
"I have a pretty good guess, yes, but I still think that she needs help if she ever wants to get back to the open world and interact with others."
"Do you realize that she might not want to? She's retreating into her mind, and we'll be lucky if we can bring her out. It's called autism, and if it isn't solved early in life then there's basically no chance for the patient."
"Well, there'll always be a chance as long as I'm around. There's no way I'm going to let her sit in a corner and rot for her whole life."
"I said it before, I'll say it again. She'll only come back if she wants to."
B'Elanna glanced toward the biobed, where the crewman was listening to their raised voices, and decided to speak directly to her.
"Iris, we need to bring you back to the real world before we lose you. You have a condition called autism, and if it isn't resolved, you get to stew in a corner for the rest of your life."
"That sounds like fun."
"Tell me what happened."
Iris cast a fearful glance towards Tom, who was keeping a respectful distance, and started to talk. After all, if she didn't, she would 'stew in a corner for the rest of her life', and she didn't like the sound of that.
"It happened...when I was a little child. I was vulnerable...that's why he went for me. I was in for my yearly physical, and he told me I was a very pretty little girl. He gave me a hypospray, and told me to relax, which I, of course, did. I laid down on the bed and waited for something to happen. When nothing did, I tried to ask him what the hypospray was for."
Her breath caught in her throat, and B'Elanna moved a bit closer and held her hand in support. Tom still kept his distance.
"I...couldn't move. He had paralyzed me...it was horrible. I was completely still, except for my vital systems and my eyes. Then he..."
She tried to clear her throat, but her breath caught there again. She shook her head.
"So, I always kept my nose in my books and never went to any social gatherings. I avoided people in general, and purposely avoided making friends. I went on Voyager because it was a short-term mission...or at least it was supposed to be."
"Then I got stuck in the Delta Quadrant with a ship full of people intent on being my friends. Naturally, I read up on camouflage techniques, and I blended in with the walls, until the little ambush incident sprang up. I couldn't be unnoticed any more, and even though I blended in using all the tricks I knew, I was still noticed. I guess..."
She was getting angry, and losing her control.
"It was my own fault. I should have known...I should have asked to see the hypospray first...it was my fault."
Her anger dripped out of her, replaced by raw vulnerability. B'Elanna was amazed; beneath the woman, a frightened child was hiding in the depths of the shadows.
Iris curled up into a ball, the position she had slept in since before and after her life took a nosedive.
She felt like a great pressure had been taken off of her throat, and she could finally breathe again. Iris sighed, relishing the release of the terrible secret she had tried to hide for so long. Her mind and body fell asleep with B'Elanna and Tom looking on, both in shock.
Her back was facing the door.
^^^^^^^^^^
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
Iris Tigris was still afraid, but she was learning to trust again. She had, however, learned how to read a tricorder and always performed medical procedures for herself. Her 'nine lives' had prevented her from getting seriously injured during most of Voyager's trip, but just after another run in with the Borg, her nine lives ran out.
She had been standing in front of a console, and it exploded. She remained in a deep coma with a major concussion for weeks, suffering from internal bleeding, ruptured organs, and first degree burns. She was a fighter, however, and she was responding to people within three months. B'Elanna was her most frequent visitor, and she would tell her about what was going on in engineering. The woman in a coma was the first one to hear about her marriage to Tom Paris and her sudden and violent pregnancy. Iris would squeeze her hand to let her know that she was listening.
After a year of this, Iris was tired. She had fought the blanket covering her mind for almost two years now, and she was tired. She reasoned with herself inside her own mind. What kind of life would she have if she did come back? She was never able to trust anyone, and what kind of life is one without trust?
She was going insane with her loneliness, and was no longer in her right mind. Tigris finally decided to push through the blanket for as long as she could, then just fall back.
"Her heartbeat's speeding up, Doc; I think she's starting to wake up!"
"Give her a cortical shock, Mr. Paris."
"Got it... her eyelids are flickering!"
Iris suddenly sat up, holding her head. When her golden eyes shot open, they had a layer of mist lying over the pupils.
"I'm...tired..."
"You're back, don't worry. We've got you covered."
She got up and walked to the door, as if in a trance.
"May I ask where you are going?"
"...Out..."
"You need to stay here. You're not fit to leave Sickbay yet."
"If I don't leave now...I never will. I'm tired, Doctor."
"What?"
She sighed and started to fall over. Tom supported her, leading her out the door, understanding what she meant.
"Doc, she's undergoing a momentary relapse. She's using up all her energy now, and she won't be able to fight her way out of a coma again."
He looked at her sadly, still heading for the door.
"In other words, after this little episode, she's going to let go. She'll die."
"Mr. Paris..."
He rolled his eyes. The Doctor just didn't understand.
"Computer, deactivate EMH."
"But I-"
The Doctor was cut off in mid sentence, and Tom continued for the door. He decided that their progress was much too slow for her to last. He took her into his arms and called to the computer for a site to site transport, directly into engineering.
^^^^^^^^^^^
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am;
The instant Joe Carey saw the blue beam of the transporter start to dematerialize two figures, he knew something was wrong. He had always had a strong intuition for these things. He called the chief over.
B'Elanna took off towards Tom and Iris.
"So, you're finally awake! You know Tom, you could have called me to Sickbay, you didn't need to bring her here."
"B'Elanna, she won't last much longer. She just wanted to see you..."
And B'Elanna understood. Her feet furiously tapped the hard metal floor, and her head lowered itself into her hands.
"Oh, Flyboy, and I thought having you on the biobed in Sickbay for half of your life was bad enough; now this."
"B'Elanna...I need you to do something for me..."
Iris' golden eyes were beginning to mist over as B'Elanna leaned in a bit closer.
"When I die...send my body into the supernova a few light years out from Pluto."
"What? We won't get to Earth for another forty years!"
"No. Soon, you'll get the chance...don't waste it! Trust her...she'll help you. Just promise me you'll trust her..."
"Who is she? What are you-"
"Promise!"
B'Elanna's eyes looked with a new appreciation at Iris.
"I promise."
She had no idea what the dying young woman was talking about, but final requests were always carried out. In Klingon culture, if you didn't carry out a final request, it was considered disrespectful. There had even been Klingons who had been dishonoured by the High Council.
"I promise."
She repeated this with more feeling, honoured that this burden had been placed on her, of all people.
"Good..."
Iris' eyes finally clouded over, and her body sagged in Tom's stiff arms.
Tom hesitated, but eventually walked out of engineering carrying his sad bundle, leaving his wife behind.
B'Elanna's voice was subdued by the overwhelming silence, but she still managed to choke out the words, cradling her swollen abdomen.
"Oh, Tom..."
^^^^^^^^^
I just want you to know who I am;
Tom placed her body in a stasis chamber and activated the body requirement system activation sequence. This would keep her body from decaying, and so she would still be recognizable when they performed the funeral service. Her trailed his fingers over the glass casing, wishing with all of his soul that what had happened had not, and that it was all a dream he would wake up from.
Unfortunately, it wasn't.
^^^^^^^^
I just want you to know who I am;
"Captain, there's an object coming out of the anomaly!"
"Identify it, Mr. Kim."
"It's a ship, Captain...the warp signature is Starfleet! They're hailing us..."
"Onscreen."
"Fire a tachyon burst at the spatial rift to close it."
"What?"
"Now. If you haven't noticed, CAPTAIN, I outrank you. Now do it!"
The woman's husky tones rang out throughout the bridge, and Janeway nodded to Tuvok, who did as the Admiral had ordered.
"Who are you, and what are you here for?"
The silver - haired, tantalizingly familiar Admiral smiled slightly and said,
"I've come to bring Voyager home."
^^^^^^^^^
I just want you to know who I am.
Voyager arrived safely home with the help of Admiral Janeway. Iris was launched into the supernova, as she had wished, and the baby of Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres was born on the way there. They called her Miral Kathryn, after B'Elanna's Klingon mother and the Captain/Admiral, who had finally accomplished the mission they had set out on seven years ago. Even with all the setbacks and many unfriendly alien races, they had done it, and all was well.
Voyager was home.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Drop me a line and let me know what you think! Thanks to anyone and all who read this and review, and extra thanks to the GooGoo Dolls for the inspiration.
Please feel free to ask me questions; it makes life a little more interesting.
~Shawshank
Full lyrics to "Iris" by The GooGoo Dolls
And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow;
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't wanna go home right now.
And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life;
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't wanna miss you tonight.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of truth in your lies;
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am;
I just want you to know who I am;
I just want you to know who I am;
I just want you to know who I am.
(Sob :,0(
Yet another author note...(you've gotta be getting sick of these, but that's too bad)
To all the people out there who have ever been violated, in any way, shape or form...this is for you.
Justice, peace, and happiness belong to you.
May the powers that be damn the guilty, and serve out big pieces of judgement pie.
You don't have to be afraid anymore.
-Shawshank
Author's Note:
This story is based on one of my greatest fears, though I have no idea why. Nothing like this has ever happened to me, unless I suffer from suppressed memory. This is also another reason why I don't trust doctors.
For YET ANOTHER reason why I wrote this, check the bottom.
Another Author's Note: Lyrics placed in the story are surrounded by and.
*Iris*
A Star Trek: Voyager story
By Shawshank
Inspired by the song, 'Iris' by the Goo Goo Dolls. If you haven't heard it, you must have been living in a cave for the past decade.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow;
Fear. I haunted her wherever she went. Even when she was alone, she still kept an eye out on her surroundings, always watching. If she let her guard down, even for a second, she would be broken again. Of that one fact she was sure.
It had happened so many years ago, but after it she had never been the same. It had hurt her, shaken her through her heart and soul. She had pushed away everyone she ever loved. She would never trust again.
Her name was Iris Tigris, and she was afraid.
She had changed her habits. Her studies became her whole life, and she fell in love with engineering, the one thing that couldn't break her heart.
Her mother had pressured her into taking a job. After all, it was only a short-term assignment on a starship, and she liked to travel.
Then, they had gotten thrown into the Delta Quadrant by an entity called the caretaker; 70, 000 light years away from home. Seventy years was an awful long time for her to keep up her walls, but she would make it. She had made it through 'The Incident', so she could make it through anything.
She thrived when she was alone. She suffered when she was with others. Always keeping that gleam of hatred and mistrust in her eye, or just being without emotion was her norm. In the close family relationship on the good ship Voyager, her emotional control was hard to maintain. She found herself beginning to trust again.
So Iris extracted herself from the family. She found a new reason to hate every single one of them every day, and this kept her going.
She was feeling a lot better these days, though she still had trouble sleeping. Even though she initiated a privacy lock on her door every single night, she still knew that there were many people who could bypass that code.
Besides that, life was being good to her, for a change. Her work in engineering was highly eventful, no one talked to her, and she had even managed to avoid the Doctor's yearly physicals, so far. She was an engineer, after all, and she always found something new to do to distract him. Her luck had even stretched so far as to exclude her physicals last year, because Sickbay had been overcrowded.
However, that time was rolling around again, and she needed to come up with a new scheme to distract him. There was no way that she would let anyone find out anything about her past. If they did, they might try to reach out to her. She would let her guard down, and end up right back where she started. And she had sworn to herself that she would never go back there.
Engineering had been extremely busy, and she could tell the Doc that she was too busy to come in, maybe next week... and so on until he forgot.
She forgot one factor - holograms do NOT forget.
So, she found herself in Sickbay a mere three weeks later, glaring with hate and mistrust - filled eyes at the extremely pissed off hologram in front of her.
"Crewman Tigris, you haven't seen me for your yearly physicals since we first started this crazy journey! You've missed every single one of them, and you've never reported to Sickbay for any of the injuries you've sustained. Either you're a very skilled medic or a very idiotic and cocky engineer. Change into this and have a seat on a biobed."
She cast the blue medical gown a sickened and fear - laced glance, and stepped back a pace.
"Sorry, Doctor, but blue isn't my colour."
He turned on her in fury.
"Crewman, this physical is imperative to your health. You're worse about this than Lieutenant Paris! The medical gown, now."
"No, Doctor. I can't-"
Her voice managed to choke out the words before she backed into a wall, away from the hologram she found so frightening. He noticed her strange expression, and decided to run a scan. As he unfolded his tricorder, she knocked it out of his hands with desperation.
"Computer, deactivate EMH!"
He shimmered out of existence, a surprised expression on his face. Iris ran quickly to the Sickbay computer, and brought up the Doctor's file. She opened the yearly physical files, using her own access codes and ones she had overheard. She deleted her file from the Doctor's program, and replaced it with a copy of a randomly selected file, with only the names and the personnel picture changed.
She allowed herself a sigh of relief, and went to the Doctor's logs, changing the information to match the files stored in the main computer.
She left Sickbay before someone could catch her, and headed back to engineering.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't wanna go home right now.
That night, in holodeck two, Iris was watching some of the crew playing pool in Sandrine's. The doors opened to admit the Doctor, his mobile emitter flashing under the lamp - light. She made good her escape; waiting until the Doctor was watching Lieutenant Paris sink the eight ball in a corner pocket before sneaking out the door.
She paced through the corridors of Voyager, slightly shaking from the close encounter. No one had suspected that she had something to hide, and if they had, they weren't trying to find out what it was. Nobody cared - that was good.
She kept glancing behind her, afraid of being followed, as she completed the walk from holodeck two to her quarters. She initiated the privacy lock and went into the bathroom to change into her two - piece, light green and blue pyjamas. She held her favorite stuffed animal and watched the door until she fell asleep.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life;
Lieutenant Paris was working the beta shift in Sickbay, and the Doctor was having him run diagnostics on the files stored in the database.
An interesting blip showed up on the computer. The files had been altered, and the person who had altered them hadn't covered their tracks very well. The files clearly showed file depletion, followed by file addition.
"Doc, someone's been messing around in the database."
The hologram ran over at warp speed.
"What?"
"It's just what I said, Doc. This file's been altered."
"How is that possible?"
"See for yourself."
The hologram leaned over his assistant's shoulder, and saw the same thing Tom had noticed. He straightened up in an attempt to assess the situation, and backed away from the computer as if it held a deadly virus.
"You'd better check your logs. Maybe our culprit forgot to alter them to contain the same information."
The Doctor nodded, still too shocked to speak, and scrolled through his logs. How could anyone get past the securities around the database? Or rather, who? He noticed the same blip in his logs.
"Too late, Mr. Paris. They've altered my logs as well."
Tom's eyebrow rose with a will of it's own towards his hairline.
"I'm going to open the file. There's got to a mistake here somewhere."
As the Doctor sat back in his chair, pondering over the motives behind the actions.
"The files belong to a certain Iris Tigris."
He continued to read, and inexplicably started laughing.
"Mr. Paris, I see nothing amusing about this situation."
He was nearly in tears now. He just pointed at the screen, and the hologram started reading.
Chief Medical Officer's log, stardate 478.19
Crewman Tigris reported in for her yearly physical at 0900 hours, and appears to be in an excellent state of health, according to Vulcan standards. Her logic is as fine - tuned as always, and Mr. Neelix's attempts to make her laugh have still proved unsuccessful. She expects to undergo the ponn farr soon, according to the slight green blush I noticed when I brought it up....
The Doctor turned to Tom, who had calmed down a little, and started out the door, saying, "I'll report this to the Captain. Stay here and hold up the fort, Mr. Paris."
With that, he was gone.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't wanna miss you tonight.
When Kathryn Janeway first saw the Doctor step on to the bridge, she knew it was something bad. If it was anything but bad, he would have contacted her over the comm system and asked her to come to Sickbay.
She shot Chakotay a slightly bemused glance and stood up to address the Doctor.
"It's nice of you to grace us with your presence, Doctor, but may I ask what is so important that you couldn't ask me to visit you?"
His face had a rare look of frustration to it, and he simply nodded towards her ready room.
Yep, it was bad.
She sauntered in, trying to keep the smile off her face. He followed her in, looking for all the world as though the universe was about to fall down on their heads.
She took a seat on her desk and simply sat.
She didn't have long to wait.
"Captain, someone has been tampering with the logs in Sickbay, for reasons unknown. I uploaded the file that has been altered onto this PADD, and I want you to read it and tell me if it sounds suspicious!"
His voice had gradually escalated from slight frustration to extreme rage as he explained the situation, and he pulled out the PADD with a flourish, handing it to Janeway.
As she scrolled through the log entries listed there, she felt more and more confused. Until she reached the one that Tom Paris had been looking over.
^^^^^^^^^^^
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
The sounds of Kathryn Janeway's hysterical laughter filtered out onto the bridge, and the entire bridge crew, including Tuvok, stared at the ready room door, concerned for their Captain's sanity. Her voice, interrupted at times by stifled chuckles, came crackling over the comm.
::Tuvok, Chakotay, I need to see you in my ready room, now.::
The two officers threw glances at one another and headed for the door, neither willing to suffer the wrath of Janeway, accompanied by the infamous 'death glare'.
^^^^^^^^^^^
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
"Iris Tigris? I don't recall ever meeting her."
"For shame, Chakotay. You're supposed to know everyone on the ship! Besides, after five years, it's kind of hard to meet a stranger on this ship in a Starfleet uniform."
"Captain Janeway, it is logical to conclude that the Crewman herself wished to change her medical record. The procedure of switching medical files is possible, if one has the correct access codes."
"What if we recovered her file? We could find out the truth about her past...but that's kind of hard now that she's changed her file, if she's the one who did it.
"This is not true, Captain. If she has exchanged her medical records for mine, it would be the logical solution that we would find her files under my name."
"Of course! How could I have missed that? If you'll excuse me for a minute..."
The Doctor, who had been the last speaker, moved to the database access port in the Captain's ready room, calling up the medical files. He looked under Tuvok's, and found very little information.
"Apparently, Crewman Tigris doesn't like Sickbay. There are only two entries in here. One is the standard personnel file, and the other is one of my logs."
He opened the file, and read aloud.
"Crewman Tigris has been avoiding sickbay ever since the beginning of our voyage across the Delta Quadrant. I have never seen her for her yearly physical, and I believe she will continue to avoid them. I don't know why, but I'm determined to find out. I'll be observing her for the next few weeks, and recording anything interesting I see. I may even have to report my findings to the Captain, if they are severe enough. I don't believe that I'll have to resort to drastic measures though; I should be able to convince her to stay in Sickbay long enough for me to run a few scans next time she gets knocked unconscious, which shouldn't be long, considering the things we've been through already. I think there's something underneath the wall she constantly has around her though; as a physician, it is my duty to improve the quality of life, so I feel obligated to assist her. Whether she will accept that assistance or not is another matter entirely."
His head dropped into his holographic hands, and he let out a long - suffering sigh between his teeth. This was followed by a long period of uncomfortable silence, until the Captain spoke up.
"Well, Doctor, I think you should stick with your original plan. If you don't come up with anything in a month, we'll be forced to launch an official investigation." She looked around at the other two. "This matter is purely confidential. Nothing leaves this room, unless absolutely necessary. Got it?"
They agreed to silence, and Janeway couldn't resist leaving without a parting shot to the Doctor.
"Good luck getting her into Sickbay."
The three organic people filed out of the ready room, and the Doctor slowly headed to Sickbay. He had a tough job ahead of him, but he had to do it. He didn't want to risk the embarrassment of one of the members of this crew. The holographic matrix in human form strode with new confidence to Sickbay.
^^^^^^^^^
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of truth in your lies;
The Doctor had informed B'Elanna of crewman Tigris' 'identity crisis', and she had agreed to help. So, when the Doctor reported a malfunction in one of the gel packs in Sickbay, the chief engineer naturally sent Crewman Tigris.
"I'm sorry, chief, but I'm busy working on one of the relay conduits right now. Can you send someone else?"
B'Elanna Torres was not one to give up easily, though.
"I suggest you take the job, Crewman. It might help you on your way to a promotion."
Tigris looked even more frightened at the prospect of a promotion, but decided to go. After all, what could be the harm in it? She just had to watch her back.
B'Elanna contacted the Doctor as soon as Iris was out the door.
:: She's heading for you, Doctor. Get ready. ::
:: Copy that, Lieutenant Torres. Project 'Sedative' is now underway. ::
B'Elanna sighed. Though it was obviously not going to be easy, they were going to find out the truth.
Even if it meant ambushing her as she entered Sickbay.
^^^^^^^^^
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.
The Doctor had drafted Tom Paris to help him get Iris Tigris in Sickbay, and keep her there. Tom was going to restrain the crewman while the Doctor injected her with a sedative. Then they would both run scans, in hopes to find something, and as a compromise to missing five years' worth of physicals.
~Crewman Tigris is approaching Sickbay~
The female voice of the computer droned through the small room, and the Doctor hurried to shut it off. She couldn't suspect anything, because if she did, they wouldn't get another chance.
The two men tensed and prepared to jump, and Iris walked into Sickbay.
Her golden eyes swept quickly around the room, noting the suspicious silence, and took a few more steps inside, ignoring the warning sirens inside her mind.
Then Paris sneaked up behind her and grabbed her, and all hell broke loose.
She screamed, and fought for her life, or so it seemed to her. Her sharp eyeteeth had bitten Paris' face several times, in an attempt to puncture his eyes and blind him.
They came pretty close, too.
"Doctor, now!"
Tom yelled at the hologram, whom had stood there dumbfounded throughout the whole scene, not prepared for such resistance from the crewman. He stepped forward now, and injected the sedative into her neck. Her mind was suppressed, but her body kept lashing out at the restraining force.
"Doc, only her brain is inactive. You need to paralyze her body!"
He punched a few keys on the hypospray and quickly injected her again. Her body recoiled, and finally relaxed in Paris' arms. Her eyeteeth were still hanging out over her lips.
They both grabbed tricorders and began performing scans, looking for the elusive truth.
^^^^^^^^^^
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
"It looks like we have our answers, Captain, though I'm not sure I can tell you. It would be violating physician - patient confidentiality, and I'm extremely sure that she wants to keep this a secret."
The Captain of Voyager sighed. The Doctor had a nasty habit of dancing around the truth, though he was often right.
"Well, Doctor, stop beating around the bush and start talking."
The hologram sighed and averted his eyes, simply handing her a PADD and walking out of his office to check up on Iris Tigris.
As Janeway read the report, her eyes got wider and wider, matching her escalating surprise.
She put the PADD down and sighed. Like the Doctor had told her many times over, every injury leaves a mark, and it just takes a good physician to find those marks.
Unfortunately for Iris, there were many marks, and the EMH was an excellent physician.
It now became obvious to her why Iris was so concentrated in her work and why she had taught herself to blend in with the shadows. After all, she would do the same if this were she in the same situation. Even though Iris was not human, she was still easily embarrassed.
She looked over to the main part of Sickbay, where Iris was starting to wake up. The Doctor had neutralized the paralysis medication, and the sedative was wearing off on it's own. Her eyes snapped open, and she moved to attack the Doctor, until her mind regained control of her actions.
In her species, the mind and body were two separate functions, and unless you were calm, the body would take over and instinct would rule your actions. Mind control could only be obtained through emotional control.
She stood up and scratched at the fur-like hair on her head. She also had a soft layer of short fur growing all over her body. She had always reminded Janeway of a dog, or some kind of four-legged Earth animal.
Iris glanced towards the Doctor's office, and noticed Janeway looking gently at her. She glared at the Doctor, knowing that the secret she had hidden for so long was now out in the open.
At this realization, she simply growled softly and strode out of Sickbay, ignoring the Doctor who was yammering behind her back. She prowled with a straight back through the corridors, wanting to head for Engineering, but starting for the mess hall instead with her small, softly complaining stomach.
She strode through the door which had opened in front of her, and quietly headed for a table in the corner, hoping to be ignored. However, for the first time in her life, she was not that lucky.
"Greetings, crewman."
Seven of Nine stood in front of her. Iris was surprised at this, seeing as Seven of Nine had never even acknowledged her presence before.
"May I join you?"
Iris looked down at the table, afraid that Seven knew of her secret. The ex - Borg took this as a 'yes', and sat.
"You are embarrassed and afraid. Why?"
Iris had to hold back a slight smile. Seven had always been blunt, one of the qualities she admired in the blonde woman.
"I...never mind. Don't worry about it."
"I do not worry. However, I am concerned about your behavioral patterns, which I have been studying in an attempt to better understand human behavior. You are extremely anti - social. Might I ask why?"
Iris' golden eyes stared into Seven's blue ones.
"I find that it's better to keep to yourself. You can't get hurt."
Her voice choked at these last few words. She had already been hurt, and her wall had gone up too late to prevent it. She did miss people every once in a while, but she always told herself that her isolation was for the best.
"I'm afraid that I must argue that point. When the crew was placed in stasis chambers, I was alone with the Doctor, who is not much of a conversationalist. I began to hallucinate, and I was extremely lonely. I...missed the comfort which the crew provided. When they were taken out of stasis, I was relieved. I never want to be alone again. You, however, have been alone for your entire existence, or so it seems. I once again wish to know why."
"I just...I can't answer that."
"Why not?"
"Seven, why do you ask so many questions?"
Seven looked surprised at this question, and had to pause to gather her thoughts before she replied.
"I am curious, and concerned for your well - being."
"I'm fine! No one cared before, why should they care now?"
One of Seven's silvery blonde eyebrows rose slightly.
"Because we could never reach you before. I believe that just the simple fact that you are willing to hold a conversation shows that you desire companionship."
"Well, I'm not willing any more. Goodnight, Seven."
Iris left the mess hall, leaving Seven of Nine with her own thoughts.
Crewman Tigris once again slept, still facing her doors. It wasn't as hard to fall asleep anymore, but she still feared, especially after Lieutenant Paris had demonstrated how easily he could restrain her. She decided that she would work to become stronger, so no one could hold her down ever again.
She fell asleep with a determined and yet satisfied grimace on her slightly fuzzy face.
^^^^^^^^^^^
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
The next 'day' saw Iris Tigris in a holographic recreation of what humans called a 'gymnasium'. There were all sorts of gymnastics equipment scattered around the room. Iris had excelled in gymnastics in Starfleet academy, so she decided to take it up once more.
She headed for the parallel bars and began to swing back and forth on the lower one, her body contracted so she wouldn't hit the floor. She stood on top of the bar, and jumped for the higher one. When her hands contacted it, she swung up and over, flipping backwards before landing on the floor. She then headed for the rings, ending up holding herself perfectly straight up and down, tiny beads of sweat starting to pop out on her forehead. She swung down and rolled; now heading for the vaulting horse. She did a handspring and rolled over it, both legs in the 'splits' position on either side of her. Iris landed on all fours and decided that this was enough for one day.
Iris padded towards where she had left her uniform, and quickly changed back into it before high - tailing it to engineering and the wrath of B'Elanna Torres.
^^^^^^^^^^
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres was NOT having a good day.
The warp plasma conduits had overloaded, causing teams of engineers to be running around all over the ship, trying to fix them before it started a warp core breach. Then, half of the sonic showers had broken down on decks eight through fourteen. The final straw was when the environmental controls had short circuited, causing many people to be uncomfortably cold for about two hours.
Of course, she forgot all of her problems when Crewman Tigris walked in.
Iris had somehow lost her ability to be unnoticed, and she got funny looks from many of the engineering crew. They had all heard about the ambush in Sickbay by Tom and the Doctor, but no one knew what the scans had revealed, leaving an extremely curious but still respectful of her privacy gossip pool.
B'Elanna assigned her to one of the warp plasma conduits, which was still seemingly overloading itself. She sent Sue Nicoletti with her, in hopes that Sue would get her to talk about her problems.
When Nicoletti reported to her three hours later, she sighed.
"I couldn't get a squeak out of her, Chief. If she wants help, she isn't showing it."
The plasma conduit was in perfect working order, but Tigris' self image was not, and hadn't been for quite a while.
B'Elanna decided to ask Tigris herself, thinking that she could get some answers, if no one else could. During lunch break, she gave command of engineering to Vorik and followed Tigris to turbolift one.
Each formally greeted the other as they stepped into the turbolift. For a few minutes, they chatted away about problems in engineering, each decidedly dancing around the subject at hand. Finally, B'Elanna couldn't take it any more.
"Computer, halt turbolift. Tigris, talk to me. You need help, and you're getting it whether you want it or not. Tell me what's wrong."
Iris turned her golden eyes to B'Elanna's face.
"I can deal with my own problems. I don't need help."
"Are you so afraid of being embarrassed that you isolate yourself from the crew? Look, all probability states that we'll be stuck here for the next fifty years or so. Do you want to spend all of that time with only a hologram and your own conscious for company?"
"If I have to, yes."
B'Elanna's teeth bared themselves. She was not one to give up easily.
"What scares you so much that you won't talk about it, no matter how long ago it happened? And why do you purposely miss your yearly physicals? We worry about you, Iris. You need to tell us what happened, or we can't do anything for you."
"Who's this we you keep talking about? No one cared before they heard about the ambush in Sickbay! No one would even try to talk to me!"
B'Elanna couldn't believe this.
"We never talked to you because we didn't know you were there. You were too afraid to even make yourself noticeable? Now you tell me, who's to blame here?"
"I just...I can't."
B'Elanna sighed. She was getting somewhere, but all this dodging wouldn't help her any sooner.
"Can't what?"
She softened her voice.
"He'll kill me."
"What!"
Now she was really getting somewhere. There was a man involved, and B'Elanna could guess where this was leading.
"If I tell...he'll kill me."
Tigris sounded like a two - year - old, debating whether to tell on her older brother for stealing a cookie or not.
"Who's he?"
"A man...on Earth."
A man on Earth? Why was she worried about a man on Earth? Last time she checked they were stuck in the Delta Quadrant.
"He's in the Alpha Quadrant. He can't hurt you anymore."
Yeah, hollow reassurance, but it usually worked, didn't it?
"When we get back. He'll kill me..."
"No, he won't. All likely - hood says that he'll be dead by the time we get back. Besides, how do you know that he isn't dead now?"
"I DON'T!"
This last word was screamed in desperation, and Iris slid down to the floor, all mental control gone. Her body was leading the dance, and she was going for a speedy tango.
"Computer, new destination. Sickbay."
"NO!"
"Yes. I'm getting you to Sickbay."
"No. I don't trust doctors."
B'Elanna's eyes widened. She began to believe that she almost had the full picture.
"Was the man a doctor?"
"- Yes -"
This last word was choked out of a throat that was started to clog itself up with fear and desperation.
"Relax, the doctor is a hologram. It would go against his programming. If Tom is there, I'll ask him to back off, okay?"
"But..."
"No buts. We're going, and that's final. I'm not going to let you drown in self pity any longer."
"Not the Doctor..."
B'Elanna sighed, though she couldn't even begin to comprehend what Tigris was going through.
"Look, if it makes you feel better, I'll run the scans myself, okay? I'll get whoever's there to analyze them, but neither the Doctor nor Tom will come within a meter of you. Is that okay?"
There was no reply.
Iris was defeated, and she sullenly slumped on the floor of the turbolift, curled up in a fuzzy ball.
^^^^^^^^^^^
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
Tom Paris was delighted when B'Elanna Torres sauntered into Sickbay. He started to speak, but was cut off.
"Tom, back off. This is a delicate situation."
B'Elanna deftly swiped his medical tricorder, and ran every scan she could think of on the quivering crewman lying on biobed four.
When she had finished, she gave Tigris a light sedative and headed back towards Tom, not daring to beckon him over. That would bring him much too close to Iris for comfort.
She whispered, "what do these readings mean?"
"I can't tell you."
She glared at Tom.
"Why not?"
He started listing the reasons on his fingers.
"Breach of protocol, invasion of privacy, a little something called doctor - patient confidentiality, -"
"Tell her, then."
"What?"
"Tell her what the readings say! She needs a jolt back into reality, Tom. I think this might provide her with that jolt."
"What would that do?"
B'Elanna sighed. Sometimes men could be extremely slow in the head.
"It would bring her out of the pool of self - pity she's been wallowing in for her whole life. Also, the guy who did this to her is back in the Alpha Quadrant - about fifty years away, and she's scared that he'll kill her."
Paris stared at his co - worker and lover.
"B'Elanna, have you ever experienced severe emotional trauma?"
"Not that I can say, though when my father left my mother and I, I was pretty devastated for a few weeks."
"Do you know what this woman has been through?"
"I have a pretty good guess, yes, but I still think that she needs help if she ever wants to get back to the open world and interact with others."
"Do you realize that she might not want to? She's retreating into her mind, and we'll be lucky if we can bring her out. It's called autism, and if it isn't solved early in life then there's basically no chance for the patient."
"Well, there'll always be a chance as long as I'm around. There's no way I'm going to let her sit in a corner and rot for her whole life."
"I said it before, I'll say it again. She'll only come back if she wants to."
B'Elanna glanced toward the biobed, where the crewman was listening to their raised voices, and decided to speak directly to her.
"Iris, we need to bring you back to the real world before we lose you. You have a condition called autism, and if it isn't resolved, you get to stew in a corner for the rest of your life."
"That sounds like fun."
"Tell me what happened."
Iris cast a fearful glance towards Tom, who was keeping a respectful distance, and started to talk. After all, if she didn't, she would 'stew in a corner for the rest of her life', and she didn't like the sound of that.
"It happened...when I was a little child. I was vulnerable...that's why he went for me. I was in for my yearly physical, and he told me I was a very pretty little girl. He gave me a hypospray, and told me to relax, which I, of course, did. I laid down on the bed and waited for something to happen. When nothing did, I tried to ask him what the hypospray was for."
Her breath caught in her throat, and B'Elanna moved a bit closer and held her hand in support. Tom still kept his distance.
"I...couldn't move. He had paralyzed me...it was horrible. I was completely still, except for my vital systems and my eyes. Then he..."
She tried to clear her throat, but her breath caught there again. She shook her head.
"So, I always kept my nose in my books and never went to any social gatherings. I avoided people in general, and purposely avoided making friends. I went on Voyager because it was a short-term mission...or at least it was supposed to be."
"Then I got stuck in the Delta Quadrant with a ship full of people intent on being my friends. Naturally, I read up on camouflage techniques, and I blended in with the walls, until the little ambush incident sprang up. I couldn't be unnoticed any more, and even though I blended in using all the tricks I knew, I was still noticed. I guess..."
She was getting angry, and losing her control.
"It was my own fault. I should have known...I should have asked to see the hypospray first...it was my fault."
Her anger dripped out of her, replaced by raw vulnerability. B'Elanna was amazed; beneath the woman, a frightened child was hiding in the depths of the shadows.
Iris curled up into a ball, the position she had slept in since before and after her life took a nosedive.
She felt like a great pressure had been taken off of her throat, and she could finally breathe again. Iris sighed, relishing the release of the terrible secret she had tried to hide for so long. Her mind and body fell asleep with B'Elanna and Tom looking on, both in shock.
Her back was facing the door.
^^^^^^^^^^
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
Iris Tigris was still afraid, but she was learning to trust again. She had, however, learned how to read a tricorder and always performed medical procedures for herself. Her 'nine lives' had prevented her from getting seriously injured during most of Voyager's trip, but just after another run in with the Borg, her nine lives ran out.
She had been standing in front of a console, and it exploded. She remained in a deep coma with a major concussion for weeks, suffering from internal bleeding, ruptured organs, and first degree burns. She was a fighter, however, and she was responding to people within three months. B'Elanna was her most frequent visitor, and she would tell her about what was going on in engineering. The woman in a coma was the first one to hear about her marriage to Tom Paris and her sudden and violent pregnancy. Iris would squeeze her hand to let her know that she was listening.
After a year of this, Iris was tired. She had fought the blanket covering her mind for almost two years now, and she was tired. She reasoned with herself inside her own mind. What kind of life would she have if she did come back? She was never able to trust anyone, and what kind of life is one without trust?
She was going insane with her loneliness, and was no longer in her right mind. Tigris finally decided to push through the blanket for as long as she could, then just fall back.
"Her heartbeat's speeding up, Doc; I think she's starting to wake up!"
"Give her a cortical shock, Mr. Paris."
"Got it... her eyelids are flickering!"
Iris suddenly sat up, holding her head. When her golden eyes shot open, they had a layer of mist lying over the pupils.
"I'm...tired..."
"You're back, don't worry. We've got you covered."
She got up and walked to the door, as if in a trance.
"May I ask where you are going?"
"...Out..."
"You need to stay here. You're not fit to leave Sickbay yet."
"If I don't leave now...I never will. I'm tired, Doctor."
"What?"
She sighed and started to fall over. Tom supported her, leading her out the door, understanding what she meant.
"Doc, she's undergoing a momentary relapse. She's using up all her energy now, and she won't be able to fight her way out of a coma again."
He looked at her sadly, still heading for the door.
"In other words, after this little episode, she's going to let go. She'll die."
"Mr. Paris..."
He rolled his eyes. The Doctor just didn't understand.
"Computer, deactivate EMH."
"But I-"
The Doctor was cut off in mid sentence, and Tom continued for the door. He decided that their progress was much too slow for her to last. He took her into his arms and called to the computer for a site to site transport, directly into engineering.
^^^^^^^^^^^
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am;
The instant Joe Carey saw the blue beam of the transporter start to dematerialize two figures, he knew something was wrong. He had always had a strong intuition for these things. He called the chief over.
B'Elanna took off towards Tom and Iris.
"So, you're finally awake! You know Tom, you could have called me to Sickbay, you didn't need to bring her here."
"B'Elanna, she won't last much longer. She just wanted to see you..."
And B'Elanna understood. Her feet furiously tapped the hard metal floor, and her head lowered itself into her hands.
"Oh, Flyboy, and I thought having you on the biobed in Sickbay for half of your life was bad enough; now this."
"B'Elanna...I need you to do something for me..."
Iris' golden eyes were beginning to mist over as B'Elanna leaned in a bit closer.
"When I die...send my body into the supernova a few light years out from Pluto."
"What? We won't get to Earth for another forty years!"
"No. Soon, you'll get the chance...don't waste it! Trust her...she'll help you. Just promise me you'll trust her..."
"Who is she? What are you-"
"Promise!"
B'Elanna's eyes looked with a new appreciation at Iris.
"I promise."
She had no idea what the dying young woman was talking about, but final requests were always carried out. In Klingon culture, if you didn't carry out a final request, it was considered disrespectful. There had even been Klingons who had been dishonoured by the High Council.
"I promise."
She repeated this with more feeling, honoured that this burden had been placed on her, of all people.
"Good..."
Iris' eyes finally clouded over, and her body sagged in Tom's stiff arms.
Tom hesitated, but eventually walked out of engineering carrying his sad bundle, leaving his wife behind.
B'Elanna's voice was subdued by the overwhelming silence, but she still managed to choke out the words, cradling her swollen abdomen.
"Oh, Tom..."
^^^^^^^^^
I just want you to know who I am;
Tom placed her body in a stasis chamber and activated the body requirement system activation sequence. This would keep her body from decaying, and so she would still be recognizable when they performed the funeral service. Her trailed his fingers over the glass casing, wishing with all of his soul that what had happened had not, and that it was all a dream he would wake up from.
Unfortunately, it wasn't.
^^^^^^^^
I just want you to know who I am;
"Captain, there's an object coming out of the anomaly!"
"Identify it, Mr. Kim."
"It's a ship, Captain...the warp signature is Starfleet! They're hailing us..."
"Onscreen."
"Fire a tachyon burst at the spatial rift to close it."
"What?"
"Now. If you haven't noticed, CAPTAIN, I outrank you. Now do it!"
The woman's husky tones rang out throughout the bridge, and Janeway nodded to Tuvok, who did as the Admiral had ordered.
"Who are you, and what are you here for?"
The silver - haired, tantalizingly familiar Admiral smiled slightly and said,
"I've come to bring Voyager home."
^^^^^^^^^
I just want you to know who I am.
Voyager arrived safely home with the help of Admiral Janeway. Iris was launched into the supernova, as she had wished, and the baby of Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres was born on the way there. They called her Miral Kathryn, after B'Elanna's Klingon mother and the Captain/Admiral, who had finally accomplished the mission they had set out on seven years ago. Even with all the setbacks and many unfriendly alien races, they had done it, and all was well.
Voyager was home.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Drop me a line and let me know what you think! Thanks to anyone and all who read this and review, and extra thanks to the GooGoo Dolls for the inspiration.
Please feel free to ask me questions; it makes life a little more interesting.
~Shawshank
Full lyrics to "Iris" by The GooGoo Dolls
And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow;
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't wanna go home right now.
And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life;
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't wanna miss you tonight.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of truth in your lies;
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am;
I just want you to know who I am;
I just want you to know who I am;
I just want you to know who I am.
(Sob :,0(
Yet another author note...(you've gotta be getting sick of these, but that's too bad)
To all the people out there who have ever been violated, in any way, shape or form...this is for you.
Justice, peace, and happiness belong to you.
May the powers that be damn the guilty, and serve out big pieces of judgement pie.
You don't have to be afraid anymore.
-Shawshank