TITLE: Equipoise (1/1)
SERIES: Wheel of the Year
AUTHOR: Nymue
EMAIL: josette@aol.com
RATED: PG13
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Not yours. They belong to Joss, the WB, UPN and FOX. This is a not-for-profit fanfiction. No infringement is intended.
SUMMARY: Day and night are once more in perfect balance, leading Buffy and Faith to an understanding.
SPOILERS: Set in between "Forever" and "Intervention," but with hints to the end of BS5.
NOTE: The incantation is adapted from the one by Starhawk in "The Spiral Dance."
NOTE2: Chronologically, this occurs after "Circles of Light."
SPECIAL THANKS: To Kristina, for being a wonderful beta reader, sounding board and all-around great friend. Thanks! Therefore, if any mistakes remain they are entirely my own.
FEEDBACK: Is much appreciated
***
Earth, Mother and Grandmother, we are speaking to you,
please listen to us! We know that we are all related.
We are your children, we two-legged ones, just like
the four-legged and the winged ones are your children.
We are all related. We are their relations,
and they are ours, all children of the same mother.
If we are all related to you, mother, we must make peace.
Why should your children fight like this? We are all related.
Help us to make peace with each other, lasting peace
among relatives. Mother, Grandmother, Earth,
may we walk lovingly and with mercy upon your paths.
May we make peace with all our relations.
-- prayers from Lakota ceremony for the making of relatives
***
Mid-morning sunlight filtered in through the windows as four women settled onto cushions that littered the living room floor of what was, Buffy reflected, now technically her house. Legally, anyway. However to her, and to the others assembled, their gathering place was still undeniably the home made by Joyce Summers, and one of their number even thought that echoes of the woman remained. It was most definitely not a full-blown haunting or some such, Tara mused, but nor was it simply the scanty remnants of a life cut short. No, it was rather as if traces of Joyce's personality remained embedded in the house itself, free and independent of her living descendants.
Of course, it could simply be her imagination.
Tara tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear and hummed under her breath, a little melody that her mother had taught her years ago as a way of calming and focusing her mind. It had been years since she had needed the focus technique; she had needed it before she and Willow had confessed their true feelings, yes, but had not afterwards. The high emotions that followed Joyce's death, however, had her concentration scattered. It wasn't just that Buffy and Dawn had lost their mother … it wasn't even that the Slayer had lost her mother … it was as if the whole group had lost a parent. And they might have, she realized as she finished pouring wine for each person. Not one of them had had much of a family until they had formed one of their own, unique in its structure but full of all the little things that were so familiar, and if Giles was undoubtedly the father then it made sense that Joyce had been their mother.
It was no wonder there was such a gaping hole in their lives, physically and metaphysically.
"Are we ready?" Anya asked.
Willow nodded. "Candles lit for each of us, one red and one white, and we each have our glass of wine."
"I guess we're as ready as we'll ever be," Buffy said wryly.
Tara nodded and cleared her throat. "We are gathered to celebrate the return of spring, the joyful time when life bursts forth from the earth and the chains of winter are broken."
"Light and dark are equal," Buffy continued, her tired voice full of knowing. "It is a time of balance, when the elements within us must be brought into a new harmony."
"The Prince of the Sun stretches out his hand," Anya said. "Kore, the Dark Maiden, has returned from the land of the dead cloaked in fresh rain with the sweet scent of desire on her breath."
Willow finished the invocation with a smile that belied the sorrow that still troubled her. "Where They step, wild flowers appear. As They dance, despair turns to hope, sorrow to joy, want to abundance … may our hearts open with the spring!"
"We are gathered," Tara stated, eyes fixing on Anya. "What binds you?"
"Need," Anya replied after a moment's pause, as if she was unsure of her answer. "Yes, it's need."
"Where must you go to be free?"
"To the North."
"Come to the North and free your body," Tara beseeched, holding out her glass of wine. Anya reached out until her fingers also wrapped around the glass, tipping the round bowl to her lips and sipping the pale pink liquid. A moment later her hands fell away and Tara returned the glass to its place between her two candles.
Buffy smiled softly and lifted her head to face Willow. "What binds you?"
A look of worry flitted across the redhead's face. "Guilt."
"Where must you go to be free?"
"To the East."
"Come to the East, Willow," Buffy invited, raising her glass. "Come to the East and free your mind." Willow reached for the glass as Anya had before, her fingers enveloping Buffy's as she drank the blush wine on which she and Tara had compromised.
Once Willow had finished and Buffy's glass was returned, Anya lifted her face to Tara. "What binds you?"
Tara's face was sad. "Faith in another."
"Where must you go to be free?"
"To the South."
Anya lifted her glass to Tara, whose hands slid over the former demon's as she tipped the bowl. "Come to the South and free your spirit."
Tara sipped, feeling her pain wash away, although deep within she knew that no ceremony could prevent or cure the problems in her heart and soul. No, only time and action could do that … but for today it was enough.
Glass dutifully returned to its home in the south, Willow raised her eyes to Buffy's hazel-green orbs. "What binds you?"
"Fear," the Slayer whispered.
"Where must you go to be free?"
"To the West."
"Come to the West," Willow beckoned, raising her glass. "Come and free your emotions." Buffy's fingers slid over those of her best friend as she drank but, she, too, knew the mildly sweet wine trickling down her throat was not enough to wash away her feelings. Actions and words were necessary this time, not symbolism and ritual.
Once the glass was returned to its place between Willow's candles, Tara spoke. "There are remedies to those things which bind us."
"We have taken that which we need," the others answered in unison.
"As have I," the blonde witch returned.
"And so we are gathered, still," Buffy stated.
A small smile played along Willow's lips. "Now we shall celebrate."
"Finally," Anya grumbled. "We can eat."
***
Four hours later Buffy sat in a plain room staring at her reflection in the bulletproof plastic, wondering how anyone could manage to exist in such a place. She was not even on the other side and she felt trapped, cornered, with her back against the wall and nowhere to go … it was like the worst possible end to a fight. Which is exactly what it was, she realized. A place of powerlessness where there were more of them than there were of you, a place where fights ended if you didn't die first. It was cold, uncaring, sterile and somehow managed to make Buffy wish she was in the hospital … even that was better than being here. And this was just the outside; what must it be like for those inside? How did they stand it?
How could a Slayer handle it?
"B?"
Buffy's eyes focused and she discovered that her reflection had been replaced with the face of the woman she had come to see. Dark eyes stared back at her with wary surprise, and Buffy noted with no pleasure that Faith looked ready to bolt if need be. She was so pale, too, yet she appeared toned and … calmer, the blonde finally thought.
"Hey, Faith."
Faith's eyes widened a fraction at the unforced civility in the other Slayer's voice. Never had she imagined that she would find Buffy sitting across from her looking for all the world like she had no bone to pick … in fact, Buffy seemed drawn and tired. What had brought her here, Faith wondered. And was it connected to the strange dreams she'd been having? "B," she swallowed. "I, ah, didn't expect to see you here. Usually it's Angel who comes … "
Buffy fidgeted, tucking her hair behind ear to better position the phone. "Yeah, well … it was time."
A small ball of hope built in Faith's chest but she tried desperately to repress it. "Really? I mean, I never expected that you could … that you would forget -- "
"I haven't," Buffy replied. "But I've been thinking a lot lately, about a lot of things, and you've been near the top of the list … oh, god, I don't know how to say this … "
Faith bit her lip but said nothing, her eyes glued to her sister-in-arms.
"No one can forget, Faith," Buffy told her honestly. "Forgetting … not gonna happen. Forgiving, though? That is doable … now. Back then it was too raw, I was too angry … I was still feeling that betrayal far too deeply to remember something that a wise man once told me -- that to forgive is an act of compassion … it's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it. And you need it, Faith … I think we both do."
Faith found herself blinking back tears. A part of her had wanted to hear this, had been doing nothing but waiting for this for years, but another part of her howled that she had done nothing that needed forgiving. She slammed that part of herself into a corner, however, reminding it that it -- they -- had done the unforgivable, otherwise they would be elsewhere. A tear, a tiny tear slid down her cheek and she wiped at it furiously. "Thanks, B … I … I needed to hear that … I'm sorry, B, I'm so sorry. About everything."
Buffy eyes burned from the stinging saltwater that was trapped behind her eyes. "Me too … I'm sorry, too, Faith."
"For what, B?" Faith sounded surprised. "Gettin' me arrested? I did that in more ways than one."
"No, not that … "
"What, then?"
"For what I *didn't* do," Buffy whispered. "Before … before everything, back when it was new … I wasn't there, Faith, I wasn't there for you when I should have been."
Faith shook her head. "I was screwed up, B, too much a mess … "
Buffy took a deep breath. "That too, but not just then. Do you remember that night, Faith?"
Faith's breath caught in her throat. While she had never expected Buffy to be sitting here she had hoped it would happen, but she had never even hoped to hear the blonde bring up the subject voluntarily. She nodded.
"It wasn't a mistake," Buffy told her. "It wasn't a mistake even though I tried to pretend it never happened. I was just so confused … I still loved Angel so much that I was afraid … "
Faith's throat hurt. "If you hadn't … ?"
Buffy closed her eyes at the unspoken words, tears slipping past her barriers to trail down her face. "I don't know," she whispered, opening her eyes to meet Faith's dark orbs. "I wish I could say yes or no, but I can't … maybe things would have grown, maybe not … I just don't know."
The brunette nodded. "Maybe it would've made a difference … maybe not … "
"Was that why … ?"
Faith hung her head a bit, ashamed yet unashamed of what she had done. "Part of it, yeah. It was a good distraction, the mayor was right about that, but he had you B, and I didn't. Jealous doesn't look good on me. Then when we fought … I knew then, how much you loved him … you would have chosen him, B. Even with your head on straight, you would have chosen him. I guess that's why I lost it when I woke up … "
"What do you mean?"
"I was angry when I woke up, B, you know that," Faith told her. "I wanted some action, a little satisfaction, but I never wanted it to go as far as it did."
"Why did it?" Buffy asked, her voice tight. "You dragged some innocent people into our personal mess."
Faith snorted. "Innocent's a relative term, B."
"Faith … "
"I was jealous," Faith sighed. "Angel was already in your life, so were the others, and you and he had the whole tortured love going on … I woke up ready to accept that, B, to accept your choice because he's like us. A hunter. And what did I find?"
Buffy sighed. "Riley."
"Riley," Faith repeated flatly. "A hulking piece of meat and nothing but. Prey. I could accept Angel because he was our equal, the Slayer's darker half made whole, a predator. Riley was human … and to see you with him after what happened over Angel … "
"You flipped," Buffy stated.
"Yeah," Faith responded. "I couldn't understand what you saw in him, so I decided to find out for myself."
"And?"
Faith sighed. "He's meat, B, tasty and sort of yummy, but he'll be nothing but canon fodder one day. He's not like us, he'll never be like us, and finding out how serious he was about you made me wig … I couldn't believe you were contemplating a serious relationship with him."
She laughed and Buffy raised her eyebrows. "It's why I decided to leave Sunnydale in your body," she told the blonde. "I knew you'd follow … I wanted you to come find me … "
Buffy shook her head. "You were drawing me out?"
"Yeah. I figured once I had you alone I could make you remember … make you see the light."
Buffy sighed.
"I'm sorry, B, really," Faith repeated.
"I'm sorry, too," Buffy replied.
"But B," Faith bit her lip and wondered if she should continue. "He's gonna be a liability one day, you gotta know that. Soldier or not, he's not a natural hunter and … there's some bad shit coming. My dreams have been freakier than usual, Slayer freaky. You got trouble comin', B, and I don't think he's gonna be able to cut it … "
Faith's voice trailed off as she heard bitter laughter coming from the blonde. "B? What is it?"
Buffy wiped her eyes and cleared her throat. "You don't have to worry, Faith. He left."
"When?"
"Just before Christmas … he couldn't take it anymore, he said. He said … oh, god, the things he said … "
"B?" Faith asked. "What did he do?"
Buffy gave her fellow Slayer a bitter smile. "He decided that the vampires were something he couldn't compete with, romance wise, unless he understood my 'fascination' with them."
Faith stared. "It's simple, B. You're a hunter, they're hunters, instant connection."
"He must've forgotten that," Buffy said dryly. "After he met Angel things went downhill. I didn't … I wasn't in love with him, but what he did was so *stupid* Faith, even he should have known better. I know I shut him out, but I had to … "
"What did he do?"
"He started visiting the suck houses," Buffy smiled, her voice brittle. "He figured that paying vamps to suck his blood would help him understand why I love Angel and why Spike has a crush on me … not that I can understand the last one … "
Faith's mouth dropped open. "Fuck, B, fuck. Why'd he do it then? Why not earlier?"
Buffy looked away. "Mom was in the hospital, sick, and I was worried … then there was Dawn and the new big bad … "
"Jesus, B," Faith whispered. "What happened?"
She shrugged. "He gave me an ultimatum -- admit I loved him, promise to let him in or he was leaving. Xander almost convinced me to ask him to stay … but he left. No more Riley and that's of the good in the long run, I think."
"What about your mom, B? You said she was sick … " The minute the words left her mouth Faith wanted to recall them. Buffy's face fell then went perfectly blank except for her eyes, which were full of pain and sorrow and something else alien and yet utterly familiar. "Oh, god, B, no … "
Buffy's head slipped down. "Yeah."
"When?"
"Three weeks ago," the blonde whispered. "She'd had a brain tumor, but they removed it … the doctor said it was an aneurysm, a side effect of the illness that she knew about … but she never told us … "
"B," Faith whispered helplessly. "I'm so sorry, Buffy. So sorry. I wish I could … "
Buffy looked up at Faith, her hazel-green eyes luminous with tears, and placed her left hand flat against the glass. A moment later Faith's right hand mirrored hers and the two stared in silence, neither sure what to say but neither willing to break the connection. Understanding flowed through both women displacing anger, jealousy and other resentments until only the connection between two Slayers remained. Faith shuddered at the intensity of the power that shivered over her consciousness, flinging her back into a nightmare she'd had the previous May. One nightmare reminded her of another and she spoke, her voice piercing the silence. "B … there's trouble coming. I've been dreaming."
"So have I," Buffy responded softly. "I know what's coming … mostly, anyway."
"This is big, B," Faith whispered furiously, keeping her voice low so the guard wouldn't hear. "Bigger than the mayor, even."
Buffy only nodded. "We know, Faith."
Faith stared at Buffy, taking in her posture and the look in her eyes before it sank in. "Buffy … "
The blonde Slayer shook her head. "I know Faith, I can already feel it. We're not all coming back this time … this is so far from under control, but there's just too much at stake … "
"B," Faith pleaded.
Buffy took a deep breath, her voice shaking as she said, "Faith … I've got to go. It's a long drive back and I can't leave Dawn … I do love you, sort of, you know … and I miss hunting with you."
"Promise me, B," Faith demanded. "Promise me you'll come back when you've kicked this thing into oblivion."
The Slayer stared at her dark sister, her other sister, and trailed her finger down the glass as she stood up. "I can't promise, Faith. Not this time."
Faith stared helplessly as Buffy gently replaced the receiver and touched the glass one last time, her hazel eyes imparting a final farewell before she turned to leave the visitation room. "Oh, B," she whispered as she felt the guard come up behind her. "Please be safe, B … first rule of Slaying. Oh, god … "
END