Goodbye to You
By: Amara D'Angeli
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Wow, I can't believe I wrote another song fic. I probably wouldn't have if this wasnt requested. This story is paralleled to "Goodbye To You" by Michelle Branch. It is a sequl to my story "This Train" which uses the song "This Train Don't Stop There Anymore" by Elton John. I hope this one is as well recieved as its predecessor.
Goodbye to You
****~****
**~**
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
**~**
I've been driving around for hours. I don't know where I am, but it wouldn't matter anyway...I wouldn't know what to do if I got out of the car. He could have said something. Anything. He could have told me to stay, or go, or go to hell, I don't care, but he could have said something. Instead he looked at me with this blank, vacant stare.
**~**
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
**~**
For some reason I cannot cry. There is a pressure behind my eyes and my vision is blurry but the tears won't come. Why does it seem like every time I need to cry I can't? Somehow it seems like a gut-wrenching sob is just what I need right now. I want to yell and scream and beat my fists against the steering wheel, but I can't. Instead I have a death-grip on the wheel that's cutting off my circulation. The numbing pain is good.
**~**
Counting the days that pass me by
**~**
It feels as if it has been days since the incident in his apartment. It's been only hours. These have been the longest hours of my life. I've left my cell phone on in case he wants to call. In case he finally has something to say, I want to hear it.
**~**
I've been searching deep down in my soul
**~**
What hurts more than anything is that when I offered him all I had to give, the thought of me didn't merit a single word, look, or blink. It was empty. When I turned around I expected to hear him say my name or at least say something. Maybe I thought he'd cross the six feet between us and reach out to me. He never moved. That I know with certainty. He didn't say anything either. I want to know what he was thinking, but I'm afraid to know.
**~**
Words that I'm hearing
are starting to get old
**~**
I keep telling myself that I didn't really want it anyway, I was just offering because I wanted to help him. I wanted to heal him in any way I could. I keep telling myself that I didn't really love him. It was just a silly infatuation with someone more powerful that me. I keep telling myself that he could never love me. He could never love me the way I need. He could never be then man I dream of. But I know all of the things I keep telling myself are lies. I think he could have loved me. I think maybe he did. For a while.
**~**
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
**~**
I don't know what to think about these last three years. So much has happened. We became so close and then we were so far apart. Then the shooting happened. I would have been fine if it wasn't for the fourteen hour surgery. I've never in my life been as scared as I was during the surgery. I've never before seen Josh so fragile. His healing was magic to me. When he looked better I thought we'd pick up where we left off...this weird level of friendship. But he became distant and I wasn't sure I'd get him bad. But we've been growing closer and I've been falling even further in love with him. But there are times when we have to take hint, and I've been given one.
**~**
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
**~**
So I'm going to try to walk away. I don't think I've ever done anything so hard in my life. I don't know how I'm going to face him in the West Wing. I'll probably have to quit the job that I love so much. But it's not the job I love, it's the boss. It's so plain to see now that I wonder how I was ever fooled into thinking it was all about the job.
**~**
I still get lost in your eyes
**~**
In my minds eye I can still see his face the way it was just before I left. I could never describe the nothingness that was in his eyes. There wasn't a glimmer, there weren't tears. I don't think he even blinked. But as much I didn't want to, as hurt as I was, I still fell into those eyes. For so long he has been the only one for me. It's hard to turn your back on the eyes of the most important person in your world.
**~**
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
**~**
I feels like my world is falling apart right now. I don't know how many days I can last before my heart beaks so badly that it won't work anymore. As much as I love him, I hate him. But I'm still not sure if I can live a day without knowing he's my friend. More than anything I'm angry because I ruined a friendship that I'll never find a substitute for.
**~**
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where
I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
**~**
If I close my eyes and breath just right I can see him with a smile on his face. Seeing him like that reminds me why I fell in love with him. These feelings are leading me down a dangerous path where I'm blinded by my love for him. I want to turn the car around and hope I can find my way back to him. I need to know what he's thinking, I need him to know what I'm thinking.
**~**
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
**~**
But it's just too hard and it's only going to hurt. I have to say goodbye and walk away. I have to walk away from all that is familiar and all that seems right so that I can survive this feeling. My heart is breaking. I don't think I should be driving, but I'm still lost and this is a scary looking neighborhood. I'm fighting turning around. It's better if I don't.
**~**
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
**~**
I want everything that there is for us to have. But right now I don't want anything to do with that man with the vacant stare. It hurts so bad. My heart doesn't know whether to swell and burst with love, or shrivel with hate.
**~**
I want what's yours
and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
**~**
It can't be me. I can't do this this time. It has to be him. He has to seek me out if he wants to make this right.
**~**
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
**~**
Goodbye, Josh, I love you. I loved you. Do you love me?
**~**
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
**~**
~FIN~
Feedback: fanfare or flames to amaradangeli@email.com or review this story!
By: Amara D'Angeli
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Wow, I can't believe I wrote another song fic. I probably wouldn't have if this wasnt requested. This story is paralleled to "Goodbye To You" by Michelle Branch. It is a sequl to my story "This Train" which uses the song "This Train Don't Stop There Anymore" by Elton John. I hope this one is as well recieved as its predecessor.
Goodbye to You
****~****
**~**
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
**~**
I've been driving around for hours. I don't know where I am, but it wouldn't matter anyway...I wouldn't know what to do if I got out of the car. He could have said something. Anything. He could have told me to stay, or go, or go to hell, I don't care, but he could have said something. Instead he looked at me with this blank, vacant stare.
**~**
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
**~**
For some reason I cannot cry. There is a pressure behind my eyes and my vision is blurry but the tears won't come. Why does it seem like every time I need to cry I can't? Somehow it seems like a gut-wrenching sob is just what I need right now. I want to yell and scream and beat my fists against the steering wheel, but I can't. Instead I have a death-grip on the wheel that's cutting off my circulation. The numbing pain is good.
**~**
Counting the days that pass me by
**~**
It feels as if it has been days since the incident in his apartment. It's been only hours. These have been the longest hours of my life. I've left my cell phone on in case he wants to call. In case he finally has something to say, I want to hear it.
**~**
I've been searching deep down in my soul
**~**
What hurts more than anything is that when I offered him all I had to give, the thought of me didn't merit a single word, look, or blink. It was empty. When I turned around I expected to hear him say my name or at least say something. Maybe I thought he'd cross the six feet between us and reach out to me. He never moved. That I know with certainty. He didn't say anything either. I want to know what he was thinking, but I'm afraid to know.
**~**
Words that I'm hearing
are starting to get old
**~**
I keep telling myself that I didn't really want it anyway, I was just offering because I wanted to help him. I wanted to heal him in any way I could. I keep telling myself that I didn't really love him. It was just a silly infatuation with someone more powerful that me. I keep telling myself that he could never love me. He could never love me the way I need. He could never be then man I dream of. But I know all of the things I keep telling myself are lies. I think he could have loved me. I think maybe he did. For a while.
**~**
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
**~**
I don't know what to think about these last three years. So much has happened. We became so close and then we were so far apart. Then the shooting happened. I would have been fine if it wasn't for the fourteen hour surgery. I've never in my life been as scared as I was during the surgery. I've never before seen Josh so fragile. His healing was magic to me. When he looked better I thought we'd pick up where we left off...this weird level of friendship. But he became distant and I wasn't sure I'd get him bad. But we've been growing closer and I've been falling even further in love with him. But there are times when we have to take hint, and I've been given one.
**~**
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
**~**
So I'm going to try to walk away. I don't think I've ever done anything so hard in my life. I don't know how I'm going to face him in the West Wing. I'll probably have to quit the job that I love so much. But it's not the job I love, it's the boss. It's so plain to see now that I wonder how I was ever fooled into thinking it was all about the job.
**~**
I still get lost in your eyes
**~**
In my minds eye I can still see his face the way it was just before I left. I could never describe the nothingness that was in his eyes. There wasn't a glimmer, there weren't tears. I don't think he even blinked. But as much I didn't want to, as hurt as I was, I still fell into those eyes. For so long he has been the only one for me. It's hard to turn your back on the eyes of the most important person in your world.
**~**
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
**~**
I feels like my world is falling apart right now. I don't know how many days I can last before my heart beaks so badly that it won't work anymore. As much as I love him, I hate him. But I'm still not sure if I can live a day without knowing he's my friend. More than anything I'm angry because I ruined a friendship that I'll never find a substitute for.
**~**
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where
I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
**~**
If I close my eyes and breath just right I can see him with a smile on his face. Seeing him like that reminds me why I fell in love with him. These feelings are leading me down a dangerous path where I'm blinded by my love for him. I want to turn the car around and hope I can find my way back to him. I need to know what he's thinking, I need him to know what I'm thinking.
**~**
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
**~**
But it's just too hard and it's only going to hurt. I have to say goodbye and walk away. I have to walk away from all that is familiar and all that seems right so that I can survive this feeling. My heart is breaking. I don't think I should be driving, but I'm still lost and this is a scary looking neighborhood. I'm fighting turning around. It's better if I don't.
**~**
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
**~**
I want everything that there is for us to have. But right now I don't want anything to do with that man with the vacant stare. It hurts so bad. My heart doesn't know whether to swell and burst with love, or shrivel with hate.
**~**
I want what's yours
and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
**~**
It can't be me. I can't do this this time. It has to be him. He has to seek me out if he wants to make this right.
**~**
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
**~**
Goodbye, Josh, I love you. I loved you. Do you love me?
**~**
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
**~**
~FIN~
Feedback: fanfare or flames to amaradangeli@email.com or review this story!