Title: Sobbing
Author: Joy
Email: SleepingBeauty2@ziplip.com
Buffy's pain was excruciating, worse then being punched or skewered. She had messed up so badly that she was about to lose everything she loved. Tara comforted her stroking her hair as she lay on the floor. "I'm sorry," Tara whispered. "I thought she'd listen. I thought we could work this out."
The slayer sobbed deeply, "Before I came back things were better." She gulped, "You and Spike could have taken care of her, loved her, made her happy. Even that damn Bot was better then I've been," she cried. "I messed so much up by waking up."
Spike ground his teeth as he stood next to Dawn who was glaring down at the puddle she made of her sister. "Dawn, I know you're mad and hurt, but you don't believe half the things you said. You said them just to be hurtful and hateful."
Dawn looked him in the eye with absolute clarity, "I meant every bit of it, especially the last part… She won't love me if I don't have a soul. It's all that matters right Buffy? A soul is all the matters in how you feel and treat people. That pesky little soul is all that stands between you loving me and hating me."
The blond vampire turned her attention back to him, "You are her sister. She will always love you."
Dawn smirked almost evilly. "You're so sure. Why don't we find out? Come on it'll be fun. You've got to have some spell to test for a soul, right Tara?"
Tara glared at the teen, something she couldn't ever fathom doing. "Stop torturing your sister!"
"Why? Afraid I won't have a soul and you'll have to stake me?" Dawn considered her.
"Dawn stop…please," Buffy begged from the floor. "I don't need to know you have a soul to love you."
The smirk returned, "But will you still love me when you know I don't have one." Dawn knew something they didn't and it was shining through. "I've been sneaking peaks at Giles' notes on what I am… He had several theories. One of them was I didn't have a soul, that when I died my energy would just return to the universe as it had been before."
Dawn wickedly looked at her sister, "He did the spell to find out, before the whole tower incident. I think somewhere in the back of his mind he thought if you knew I didn't have a soul you would let me die to prevent the apocalypse. He knew you very well…but he actually loved me. He pushed but he never told you. I think he knew if you did kill your sister then he would have to face you were a monster. In the end it wouldn't have matter if you loved me or not, because you would kill me to save the world. You killed Angel to save the world. Would you have sacrificed me to save the world, maybe… Now we'll never know, will we?"
The bravado flared out as Dawn stared at her sister. "So come on Buffy… Ya still love me?"
Spike stared at Dawn. Why hadn't he seen it before? Every time she winced when Buffy mentioned the fact he was soulless. Ego much to think it was because she loved him. "Dawn…" he whispered. "We all still love you."
"Oh I know you love me. I don't doubt your love for one second. I don't doubt Tara's love for me either. I don't even doubt that Willow will still love me… But I severely doubt that Buffy will," Dawn said eyeing her sister like a predator about to feast on its prey. "So Buffy tell them all how you still love me…Tell them so we can get back to figuring out how to keep me here." The venom dripped from every syllable that she spoke.
Buffy shut her eyes and let the last of her tears fall. All of this started because of how she treated Spike and that was the only way it would get fixed. She breathed deeply and blinked a few times. "I do love you…but I know you won't believe that," Buffy said with conviction. "What I'm about to say hurts more then anything Dawn and I've only partially admitted this to myself so…" The teenager looked as if she could care less. "I… Being with Spike felt right because he understood me…but he wanted me to stay in the shadows, Dawnie. I kept shoving him further and further into the dark until I couldn't go any further."
The slayer couldn't look at Spike during this time at all; she just had to focus on getting the words out to make her sister to understand. "I loved Angel and everyone told me over and over how wrong that was. And when he lost his soul, he ripped my heart out and shredded it. No matter what I do I can't put it back the way it was, I can't recover from that… I…I failed with Riley. I couldn't give him hardly anything of myself."
Dawn stared at her sister curiously. "Spike… Spike was everything I needed when I came back. He understood what it was like to die and be dead. He understood my need to fight, to be the slayer. And then…" she paused catching Spike glancing at her expectantly. "And then I kissed him…I initiated and it freaked me out. I couldn't do it again. I couldn't have my heart shredded Dawn. It had nothing to do with him having a soul… It was the fear that one day the chip wouldn't be there to leash his demon in and I'd have to kill him too… I just couldn't do it Dawnie."
Some of the teenager's hostility faded as Buffy spoke. "I said awful things…I said them in front of you. I shouldn't have… everything about my relationship with Spike was initiated by me. But I couldn't get the voices that said how bad this was out of my head. It was okay for me to spend tons of time with him and trust that he wouldn't hurt you or my friends but the second my heart was going to be hurt I thrashed out at him…and I think he'll admit he thrashed back." Spike nodded. "That doesn't excuse what I did or anything but I hope you at least understand…"
Dawn looked at her with a hard expression, "That doesn't explain why you kept going back, beating Spike, and then say all sorts of awful things to him once you got off."
Spike's eyes went big. "Nibblet!"
"Dawn!" Tara snapped at the same time.
Buffy swallowed hanging her head in shame. "No it doesn't… That was when things were really bad…I guess they still are. It's part of the reason I'm so freaked about asking Spike to live here…" Buffy ground her teeth. "If he's here that means he's a person that I'll care about and he can hurt me. His opinion will matter and…and I won't be able to treat him like…a thing anymore." She couldn't raise her head to look at anyone in the room. "If he's in the house I can't use him anymore. Dawnie, that's the scariest thing in the world to me."
"Why?" Dawn asked quietly, far less angry then before.
In the smallest whisper Buffy said, "Because then I'll actually have to think about what I feel for him."
Tara wrapped her arms around Buffy as she began to cry again. "I'm sorry," she whispered into the white witch's shoulder. Tara glanced pointedly at Dawn who sat unsure of what to do.
Spike sat next to Dawn on the floor. "That's what you wanted you wanted her to admit the reason she didn't love me had nothing to do with the fact I don't have a soul. Go hold her."
"No," she whispered. "I can't…I don't believe her."
"Dawn she's telling the truth… She loves you. She gave you more in the last ten minutes then Riley got ever," Spike chastised her.
Dawn met his eyes briefly. "How can you keep forgiving her? How can you keep loving her after all she's done to you?"
"Pet, I love with my whole heart. I don't know how to love any other way, no matter what the pain," Spike answered sincerely.
Dawn got closer to where Tara and Buffy sat on the floor. "I want to go visit dad just to prove to myself that you're better then he is," she plunged in. "By the time we get back I want a nice place for Spike to stay in basement. I want a cot set up down there so if I feel like being down there I can be… And I want you to hold a Scoobie meeting while we're gone letting everyone know that from here out any comment about Spike being soulless and evil isn't just a slam on him but on me too. I want you to tell them all what you did and what you're doing to rectify it. And so help me if Xander makes one crack at Spike when we get back I'll pack up and go to LA permanently."
"Pet…" Spike said from the floor. "I like arguing with the whelp. It would be nice to not be called a 'thing' all the time but I don't mind some banter. Your sis wouldn't be near as fun if she didn't bicker with me." Spike smiled a little at Buffy who tried to smile back.
"Fine," Dawn said authoritatively. "No Spike as a 'thing' comments from here out from anyone."
"I can do that," Buffy squeaked. "We…we have a couple weeks until you would leave…We could all shop for stuff for Spike's room."
"Okay," Dawn went toward the stairs. "One last thing…I want Willow to stop being a slug. I want her to pay for rent, utilities and food. Other people have to pay for room and board, so should she."
"Already taken care of," Buffy said looking Dawn in the eye. "She also knows what I've been doing…but I'll still hold the meeting." Dawn looked at her curiously. "Are…are you staying?"
"I haven't decided yet. Right now I feel like spending time with Spike, so I'm going to get out of my school clothes and see if he will take me to the Bronze," Dawn said calmly.
The teenager breezed up the stairs leaving all the adults in the room in her wake. "God, how did mom deal with me?"
"Cautiously," Spike said quietly. "She picked her battles." Buffy stared at him through hooded eyes. "What? Your mum and I used to talk a lot. She would ask me questions about how much danger you were in and what she could do to help you feel not so alone."
"I…I didn't know that," Buffy muttered as she and Tara still sat on the floor.
"There is a lot you don't know… I…I'll…" Spike said motioning to the stairs before he bounded up them.
"God that was awful," Buffy sniffled.
"But she's staying…she's completely taken on all of Spike's hurts, but she's staying," Tara said ruefully.
"Am I going to be able to do this?" the slayer asked. "I don't know if I can have him here and not want him or beat him into the ground."
"Maybe you and he need to establish ground rules for this arrangement," Tara suggested.
Buffy leaned her head further onto Tara's shoulder, "Thank you…I don't know what I would have…this could have ended way worse then it did."
"Yeah well if you want I'll keep Dawn until her LA adventure. She doesn't strike me as wanting to be here without Spike right now," the witch ventured.
"I guess I should go call my dad… Next part of the hard stuff," Buffy said as she stood up got her notes from the table again and headed for the phone.
"Hello…May I please speak to Hank Summers?" Buffy said into the phone. "I realize his on a business trip. I need a direct number I can reach him on… This is his daughter Buffy… I know he's very busy…Listen lady, my father skipped out on being here when my mother died, so now he's going to make up for it. Give me his direct number or so help me I will come to LA myself and make a real scene in front of your precious clients… Thank you." Buffy looked up after hanging up the phone to see Spike and Dawn staring at her. Spike smirked. Buffy smirked back. "What? The bastard gave us life…the least he can do is pay for it."
Spike laughed. "See ya later Tinkerbell. Bye slayer. I'll get her home at a reasonable hour. I'll take the couch tonight."
Buffy nodded. Spike nodded back.
"Well, that went well," Tara smiled.
TBC…