Salute to Dairy
(Enter Jon, Alanna, Daine, Numair, Buri, Onua, Myles, George and Thayet.)
(Jon is dressed as a carton of milk - 2%, the best! -, Alanna is a stick of butter, Daine is a wedge of cheese, Numair is a bowl of ice cream, Buri is a can of yogurt, Onua is a bagel spread with cream cheese, Myles is a tub of cottage cheese, George is a wheel of cheese – with one piece missing – and Thayet is dressed as a cow.)
Thayet- Mooooooooo! I'm a like a big pretty like cow! Mooooooooo!
Jon- (ignoring his ditzy wife) Yes, we're back to torture you further.
Alanna- JON!
Jon- What?
Alanna- That's not your line, you blockhead!
Jon- Like I care what my line is. How did I get roped into doing this again?! WHY ME?!
Daine- I'll do his line. Hello, and welcome to our play for tonight, Salute to Dairy!
Numair- Oh my love, you did that perfectly! (He tries to smother Daine with kisses, but he can't reach because his ice cream bowl costume is too wide.)
Daine- AFTER the show, Numair. Not here!
Numair- (pouts) Fine.
Alanna- Anyway…tonight we are actually going to attempt to FINISH the show and have everyone do their songs or skits. I am so very doubtful, but we're going to try.
George- (inspecting his costume) Hey! I'm missing a piece! (Looks around stage, spots Daine.) Aha! There it is! (Picks Daine up, and tries to shove her into the empty spot. She screams and bites him, legs and arms flailing.)
Daine- Let go of me, you dolt!
Numair- (outraged) Drop my girlfriend, thief!
(George immediately drops her, seeing the look of viciousness on Numair's face. Daine plummets to the ground.)
Daine- Ow…
George- Oopsie!
Myles- I don't like cottage cheese. Who does?! It's moldy cheese, for Mithros sake! I wish I was some cheddar…now, that's a fine cheese! Did I ever tell you about the time when I got locked in a cheddar cheese factory? Man, it that was one hot CRAZY summer!
Onua- Shut up, Gramps.
Myles- (highly offended) Floozy!
Onua- (taunting) Moldy cheese! Moldy cheese!
(Myles tries to strangle the life out of the irritating bagel, but Buri restrains him. Onua sticks her tongue out at him.)
Onua- LOSER!
(Myles lunges, but Buri hold him back. He settles for scowling maliciously.)
Jon- If we HAVE to do this, can I at least do my song now, and get it over with? I feel absolutely ridiculous.
Thayet- You like SMELL ridiculous like too!
Jon- (looking at his vapid wife strangely) What…?
Thayet- Like, I don't like know.
Jon- Okay…(muttering under his breath) Why did I marry her again? (Looks at her carefully) Oh yeah, I remember! She's hot! Hi, you sexy little cow! (Waves at her.)
Thayet- Mooooooooo!
Alanna- Jon, do your song. NOW.
Jon- (purring at Thayet) No. You can't tell me what to do Alanna! I'm the king! ME!
Daine- I'll do my skit!
Alanna- Whatever.
Daine- (flexes her foamy cheese muscles) Behold the power of cheese…(lifts heavy weights effortlessly.)
Numair- (clapping) My little Danish is so strong! (Kneels at her feet.) I am beholding the power of the cheese!
Buri- Get a grip, Numair. Sheesh.
Numair- (getting to his feet, liquid sloshing and spilling out of his bowl) I think I'm melting…and it's cold!
Myles- (he is calm now, and tastes a bit of the liquid) Numair, you weren't supposed to use REAL ice cream on your costume!
Numair- (sheepishly) Well, I wanted to make it look authentic…and it was Thayet's idea! (Points an accusing finger at the cow, I mean, queen.)
Alanna- (incredulously) You took advice from Thayet?! What a moron!
Numair- Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time…besides, I like ice cream! I was gonna eat it later.
Onua- (to Daine) And you're going to marry this dunderhead?
Daine- Yeah, well, what can I say? He's rich, and cute!
Numair- (has a bit of the ice cream) Mmmm…ice cream soup… (Slurps up the cold mess with relish)
George- Hey, don't hog it all, mage! (Sticks his head in the bowl and eats noisily)
Thayet- (wistfully) I like wish I like had some like toast…
Buri- Why?
Thayet- (points at Alanna) Well, we like have the like butter, but like no toast to like spread her like on!
Alanna- Thayet, my costume is made of foam! I'm smart enough to know that making costumes out of real food is stupid! Unlike SOME people I know…
Thayet- Are you like sure?
Alanna- (making fun of Thayet) Like yeah, I like am like totally like sure!
Thayet- I'm gonna like check. (Takes a big bite out of Alanna's costume.)
Alanna- Hey, I'm wearing that!
Thayet- (chewing thoughtfully…wait, how can someone who doesn't HAVE any thoughts chew thoughtfully…ok, she just chews on the foam) Like, it tastes like buttery!
Jon- Thayet, take that out of your mouth!
(Thayet spits out the foam, hitting Jon in the eye)
Thayet- Hee like hee!
Jon- Fruit.
Thayet- No, this is like the MILK like play, silly.
Jon- (wiping the projectile out of his eye) Yeah, like I care which stupid play it is.
Numair- (to George) Hey, you ate all my ice cream soup! (Shoves him)
George- Ouchie! You hurt me! (Runs off stage crying hysterically) Mommy!
Myles- Hey, your mommy is my wife! Wifey! (Runs after George)
Onua- Freaks…
Alanna- (trying to get back on track) Ok, Daine got her skit in. Numair, you wanna go now?
Numair- (dripping with ice cream) Not really.
Alanna- (agitated) Tough. (She pushes him out to the middle of the stage. He stands there, dumbfounded.)
Numair- Uh…hi. Um, I have bunny slippers! (He pulls a pair of fluffy white bunny slippers out of his costume.) Aren't they cute? I wear them to bed, and around my tower, and sometimes when I work…
(Alanna, Buri, Daine and Onua all give him funny looks, then explode with laughter.)
Daine- (laughing hysterically) You wear bunny slippers? That is so hilarious!
Onua- (doubled over with laughter, and notices that Jon is just standing there) Jon, what's the matter? Don't you think the bunny slippers are funny? Or, do YOU have a little secret too?
Jon- Well…(looks embarrassed, then draws something from his costume) I wear bunny slippers too. But mine are blue!
Thayet- Like, bunny slippers are so like stupid!
Alanna- Thayet, for once I agree with you! I think I would just die of laughter if I found George wearing a pair of those absurd things!
Numair- He DOES wear them. He's in the Guys Who Think Bunny Slippers Are Cute And Cuddly And Fun Club. So am I, and so is Jon. I'm the vice president.
Jon- I'm the president!
Numair- (muttering) Yeah, only because you threatened to behead anyone else who tried to be, you stupid control freak.
Jon- What was that?
Numair- (looking innocent) Nothing!
Onua- (runs around the stage screaming at the top of her lungs) Monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey!
Buri- Well, Onua's finally cracked.
Onua- (yelling at Jon) You are a spotted monkey bum!
Jon- (sadly) I know…
Daine- Didn't I say it would happen soon? I am the smartest of everyone!
Numair- No, I am!
Daine- Me! You're too tall to be smart.
Numair- Oh yeah?! Well, you're too…uh…you're just too!
Onua- EVIL FLYING BANANAS OF DOOM!
Alanna- Doom…?
Onua- (turns to look at her, eyes glazed over) I like peas.
(Numair suddenly dashes offstage. When he returns, he is wearing a grass skirt, a flowered lei around his neck and a flower tucked behind his ear.)
Buri- Now Numair's lost it.
(Numair is sashaying around the stage, bunny slippers on his feet, waving like a beauty queen.)
Daine- (watching him with interest) Ooh, Numair…you look good in a skirt…
Numair- I'm a fish! Woof!
Jon- Ok, this is getting WAY to weird for me… I'm gonna go find George and tell him he's the new vice president of the Guys Who Think Bunny Slippers Are Cute And Cuddly And Fun Club. (Jerks his thumb at Numair) Skirt-boy over there is sure as heck not gonna be in MY club anymore. (Walks offstage, muttering about crazy mages and such.)
Onua- I have opposable thumbs! (Wiggles her thumbs at Alanna)
Alanna- (pushes her away) Get away from me, you nutcase!
Thayet- (feeling her face) Hey, I like have a nose! Like, cool!
Daine- (distraught) Poor Numair! He's a loon!
Onua- (pecking at Buri) I'm a turkey! Gobble gobble!
Alanna- (realizes that the curtain is still open and people are still reading –A/N: I hope, anyway!-) Another play ruined. (Sighs, then walks away.)
Daine- Hey, don't leave me all alone with these lunatics! They'll eat me!
Buri- (still being pecked by Onua) Well, when in Rome… (Pecks at Numair.)
Numair- I can fly! (Jumps offstage, flapping his arms. Hits the floor hard, and then laughs uncontrollably.) Ha ha! I think I've broken my legs! Hail to the cupcake!
Thayet- (amazed) Like, wow…I have like fingers too!
(Alanna storms back onstage.)
Alanna- Close the @!#$*& before I have to hurt someone!
(Curtain falls, but Numair can still be heard shouting "Hail to the cupcake!" and other various desserts, while Thayet exclaims over newly found body parts.)
A/N: Ok, so I didn't exactly stay on the dairy subject. What else is new?! I'm insane! Join the party! (Giggles) My feet are asleep… Oh, and by the way, I DO like cottage cheese!
Disclaimer- All of the characters in this story belong to Tamora Pierce. Compared to her, my stories look like ditzy Thayet wrote them. The Guys Who Think Bunny Slippers Are Cute And Cuddly And Fun Club is mine, though. Just the product of being up late and having too much sugar. SUGAR IS GOOD! Muwahahahaha! And the "Behold the power of cheese" slogan belongs to the cheese commercial peoples.
(Enter Jon, Alanna, Daine, Numair, Buri, Onua, Myles, George and Thayet.)
(Jon is dressed as a carton of milk - 2%, the best! -, Alanna is a stick of butter, Daine is a wedge of cheese, Numair is a bowl of ice cream, Buri is a can of yogurt, Onua is a bagel spread with cream cheese, Myles is a tub of cottage cheese, George is a wheel of cheese – with one piece missing – and Thayet is dressed as a cow.)
Thayet- Mooooooooo! I'm a like a big pretty like cow! Mooooooooo!
Jon- (ignoring his ditzy wife) Yes, we're back to torture you further.
Alanna- JON!
Jon- What?
Alanna- That's not your line, you blockhead!
Jon- Like I care what my line is. How did I get roped into doing this again?! WHY ME?!
Daine- I'll do his line. Hello, and welcome to our play for tonight, Salute to Dairy!
Numair- Oh my love, you did that perfectly! (He tries to smother Daine with kisses, but he can't reach because his ice cream bowl costume is too wide.)
Daine- AFTER the show, Numair. Not here!
Numair- (pouts) Fine.
Alanna- Anyway…tonight we are actually going to attempt to FINISH the show and have everyone do their songs or skits. I am so very doubtful, but we're going to try.
George- (inspecting his costume) Hey! I'm missing a piece! (Looks around stage, spots Daine.) Aha! There it is! (Picks Daine up, and tries to shove her into the empty spot. She screams and bites him, legs and arms flailing.)
Daine- Let go of me, you dolt!
Numair- (outraged) Drop my girlfriend, thief!
(George immediately drops her, seeing the look of viciousness on Numair's face. Daine plummets to the ground.)
Daine- Ow…
George- Oopsie!
Myles- I don't like cottage cheese. Who does?! It's moldy cheese, for Mithros sake! I wish I was some cheddar…now, that's a fine cheese! Did I ever tell you about the time when I got locked in a cheddar cheese factory? Man, it that was one hot CRAZY summer!
Onua- Shut up, Gramps.
Myles- (highly offended) Floozy!
Onua- (taunting) Moldy cheese! Moldy cheese!
(Myles tries to strangle the life out of the irritating bagel, but Buri restrains him. Onua sticks her tongue out at him.)
Onua- LOSER!
(Myles lunges, but Buri hold him back. He settles for scowling maliciously.)
Jon- If we HAVE to do this, can I at least do my song now, and get it over with? I feel absolutely ridiculous.
Thayet- You like SMELL ridiculous like too!
Jon- (looking at his vapid wife strangely) What…?
Thayet- Like, I don't like know.
Jon- Okay…(muttering under his breath) Why did I marry her again? (Looks at her carefully) Oh yeah, I remember! She's hot! Hi, you sexy little cow! (Waves at her.)
Thayet- Mooooooooo!
Alanna- Jon, do your song. NOW.
Jon- (purring at Thayet) No. You can't tell me what to do Alanna! I'm the king! ME!
Daine- I'll do my skit!
Alanna- Whatever.
Daine- (flexes her foamy cheese muscles) Behold the power of cheese…(lifts heavy weights effortlessly.)
Numair- (clapping) My little Danish is so strong! (Kneels at her feet.) I am beholding the power of the cheese!
Buri- Get a grip, Numair. Sheesh.
Numair- (getting to his feet, liquid sloshing and spilling out of his bowl) I think I'm melting…and it's cold!
Myles- (he is calm now, and tastes a bit of the liquid) Numair, you weren't supposed to use REAL ice cream on your costume!
Numair- (sheepishly) Well, I wanted to make it look authentic…and it was Thayet's idea! (Points an accusing finger at the cow, I mean, queen.)
Alanna- (incredulously) You took advice from Thayet?! What a moron!
Numair- Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time…besides, I like ice cream! I was gonna eat it later.
Onua- (to Daine) And you're going to marry this dunderhead?
Daine- Yeah, well, what can I say? He's rich, and cute!
Numair- (has a bit of the ice cream) Mmmm…ice cream soup… (Slurps up the cold mess with relish)
George- Hey, don't hog it all, mage! (Sticks his head in the bowl and eats noisily)
Thayet- (wistfully) I like wish I like had some like toast…
Buri- Why?
Thayet- (points at Alanna) Well, we like have the like butter, but like no toast to like spread her like on!
Alanna- Thayet, my costume is made of foam! I'm smart enough to know that making costumes out of real food is stupid! Unlike SOME people I know…
Thayet- Are you like sure?
Alanna- (making fun of Thayet) Like yeah, I like am like totally like sure!
Thayet- I'm gonna like check. (Takes a big bite out of Alanna's costume.)
Alanna- Hey, I'm wearing that!
Thayet- (chewing thoughtfully…wait, how can someone who doesn't HAVE any thoughts chew thoughtfully…ok, she just chews on the foam) Like, it tastes like buttery!
Jon- Thayet, take that out of your mouth!
(Thayet spits out the foam, hitting Jon in the eye)
Thayet- Hee like hee!
Jon- Fruit.
Thayet- No, this is like the MILK like play, silly.
Jon- (wiping the projectile out of his eye) Yeah, like I care which stupid play it is.
Numair- (to George) Hey, you ate all my ice cream soup! (Shoves him)
George- Ouchie! You hurt me! (Runs off stage crying hysterically) Mommy!
Myles- Hey, your mommy is my wife! Wifey! (Runs after George)
Onua- Freaks…
Alanna- (trying to get back on track) Ok, Daine got her skit in. Numair, you wanna go now?
Numair- (dripping with ice cream) Not really.
Alanna- (agitated) Tough. (She pushes him out to the middle of the stage. He stands there, dumbfounded.)
Numair- Uh…hi. Um, I have bunny slippers! (He pulls a pair of fluffy white bunny slippers out of his costume.) Aren't they cute? I wear them to bed, and around my tower, and sometimes when I work…
(Alanna, Buri, Daine and Onua all give him funny looks, then explode with laughter.)
Daine- (laughing hysterically) You wear bunny slippers? That is so hilarious!
Onua- (doubled over with laughter, and notices that Jon is just standing there) Jon, what's the matter? Don't you think the bunny slippers are funny? Or, do YOU have a little secret too?
Jon- Well…(looks embarrassed, then draws something from his costume) I wear bunny slippers too. But mine are blue!
Thayet- Like, bunny slippers are so like stupid!
Alanna- Thayet, for once I agree with you! I think I would just die of laughter if I found George wearing a pair of those absurd things!
Numair- He DOES wear them. He's in the Guys Who Think Bunny Slippers Are Cute And Cuddly And Fun Club. So am I, and so is Jon. I'm the vice president.
Jon- I'm the president!
Numair- (muttering) Yeah, only because you threatened to behead anyone else who tried to be, you stupid control freak.
Jon- What was that?
Numair- (looking innocent) Nothing!
Onua- (runs around the stage screaming at the top of her lungs) Monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey!
Buri- Well, Onua's finally cracked.
Onua- (yelling at Jon) You are a spotted monkey bum!
Jon- (sadly) I know…
Daine- Didn't I say it would happen soon? I am the smartest of everyone!
Numair- No, I am!
Daine- Me! You're too tall to be smart.
Numair- Oh yeah?! Well, you're too…uh…you're just too!
Onua- EVIL FLYING BANANAS OF DOOM!
Alanna- Doom…?
Onua- (turns to look at her, eyes glazed over) I like peas.
(Numair suddenly dashes offstage. When he returns, he is wearing a grass skirt, a flowered lei around his neck and a flower tucked behind his ear.)
Buri- Now Numair's lost it.
(Numair is sashaying around the stage, bunny slippers on his feet, waving like a beauty queen.)
Daine- (watching him with interest) Ooh, Numair…you look good in a skirt…
Numair- I'm a fish! Woof!
Jon- Ok, this is getting WAY to weird for me… I'm gonna go find George and tell him he's the new vice president of the Guys Who Think Bunny Slippers Are Cute And Cuddly And Fun Club. (Jerks his thumb at Numair) Skirt-boy over there is sure as heck not gonna be in MY club anymore. (Walks offstage, muttering about crazy mages and such.)
Onua- I have opposable thumbs! (Wiggles her thumbs at Alanna)
Alanna- (pushes her away) Get away from me, you nutcase!
Thayet- (feeling her face) Hey, I like have a nose! Like, cool!
Daine- (distraught) Poor Numair! He's a loon!
Onua- (pecking at Buri) I'm a turkey! Gobble gobble!
Alanna- (realizes that the curtain is still open and people are still reading –A/N: I hope, anyway!-) Another play ruined. (Sighs, then walks away.)
Daine- Hey, don't leave me all alone with these lunatics! They'll eat me!
Buri- (still being pecked by Onua) Well, when in Rome… (Pecks at Numair.)
Numair- I can fly! (Jumps offstage, flapping his arms. Hits the floor hard, and then laughs uncontrollably.) Ha ha! I think I've broken my legs! Hail to the cupcake!
Thayet- (amazed) Like, wow…I have like fingers too!
(Alanna storms back onstage.)
Alanna- Close the @!#$*& before I have to hurt someone!
(Curtain falls, but Numair can still be heard shouting "Hail to the cupcake!" and other various desserts, while Thayet exclaims over newly found body parts.)
A/N: Ok, so I didn't exactly stay on the dairy subject. What else is new?! I'm insane! Join the party! (Giggles) My feet are asleep… Oh, and by the way, I DO like cottage cheese!
Disclaimer- All of the characters in this story belong to Tamora Pierce. Compared to her, my stories look like ditzy Thayet wrote them. The Guys Who Think Bunny Slippers Are Cute And Cuddly And Fun Club is mine, though. Just the product of being up late and having too much sugar. SUGAR IS GOOD! Muwahahahaha! And the "Behold the power of cheese" slogan belongs to the cheese commercial peoples.