Spice-O-Rama
(Enter Alanna, George, Jon, Thayet, Numair, Daine, Buri, Onua, Myles, and Coram.)
(All of them are dressed as giant salt and pepper shakers with words on the fronts identifying what kind of spice they are: Alanna is oregano, George is nutmeg, Jon is cloves, Numair is pepper, Daine is paprika, Buri is cinnamon, Onua is ginger, Myles is thyme, Coram is sage, and Thayet is multi-colored sprinkles.)
Thayet- (reading off of Myles's costume) Like, you like spelled "time" like wrong. (She giggles.)
Myles- (rolling his eyes and sighing) Your Highness, t-h-y-m-e is the correct spelling for the spice.
Thayet- (looking completely bewildered) Like, okay. Whatever!
Coram- Yer Highness, ye do realize that yer not dressed as a spice, don't ye?
Thayet- Sprinkles are spices! I like totally asked the cook, and she said like yeah!
Alanna- You're messed up, Thayet.
Thayet- Like, so?
Daine- I wanna dance the funky chicken dance!
George- Me too!
(They begin to dance.)
Daine- Cluck!
(Numair leans over and whispers to Jon, Myles, and Coram. They all link arms.)
Numair- We're gonna do the can-can!
Buri- Gods help us all.
(Jon, Myles, Coram and Numair dance the can-can. They get their legs up quite high.)
Coram- I'm a purdy show girl!
Onua- Let's get started: We are being forced to come back out here and put on more food plays. Why? I don't know. Probably because Thayet, ditzy as she may be, IS queen, and told us that she would throw us in the dungeon if we didn't.
Alanna- We should have taken the dungeon option. Spices? This has got to the dumbest one yet.
Buri- Who was the bonehead who that of it, anyway?
(Anvil drops from out of nowhere and squashes Buri.)
Buri- I've been squished!
Daine- (stares at Buri, having stopped dancing) Uh oh. You've pissed off the author. Now we're in for it…
(There is a big flash of light, and suddenly Jon is wearing a neon pink, sleeveless evening dress, with matching heels.)
Jon- Oh, man!
Thayet- Jon! You're like wearing my like wedding dress!
Jon- It's not like I want to be! Blame HER! (He points upwards)
(There is another flash, and a little green man stands onstage.)
Little Green Man- I am the leprechaun of doom! Fear my greenness, for it is doomy!
George- Well, I like to sniff oregano! (He grabs Alanna and sniffs her.)
Onua- I think little green men are hot! (She grabs the leprechaun and kisses him.)
Leprechaun- Ack! (He struggles in her grip.)
(Another flash –A/N: I feel like tormenting the characters today– and SpongeBob SquarePants appears onstage.)
SpongeBob- I'm ready!
Numair- Who're you?
SpongeBob- I'm SpongeBob SquarePants! I live in Bikini Bottom, with my friends Patrick, and Sandy, and Squidward, and-
Numair- (interrupting) Ok buddy, all I asked for was a name, not your whole life story!
SpongeBob- My pants are square!
Myles- Mine too!
SpongeBob- Squirrels are sooooo dumb!
Daine- They are not!
SpongeBob- I work at the Krusty Krab! I'm the fry cook!
(One more flash of light.)
Coram- (looking around stage frantically) Well, what happened?
Alanna- (nervously) It was probably something really, really horrible…
SpongeBob- I live in a pineapple house!
Thayet- I like pineapples!
Jon- (still in his pretty little dress) Crap! Whatever happened this time is so bad, that it has yet to come!
Disembodied voice- Hee hee! I'm disembodied!
Myles- Yes, we see that.
Disembodied voice- Oh, ok. Good…
Buri- (still squashed) Who are you?
Disembodied voice- I'm the author, Courtney.
Alanna- So YOU'RE the evil menace who sent those stupid things here!
SpongeBob- My best friend is a starfish!
Courtney- Yup. Oh, by the way, nothing happened after the last flash. I just wanted to make you nervous.
SpongeBob- (runs around the stage, a spatula in one hand, a net in the other) Let's go jellyfishing! I'm ready, I'm ready!
Onua- (looks up from making out with the leprechaun) Ready for what?
SpongeBob- (shrugs his shoulders) I don't know. It's just my catch phrase. I'm ready!
Numair- So, nothing happened with the last flash?
Courtney- Yeah. But that doesn't mean that nothing won't happen with THIS flash!
(Another blinding flash of light, and it starts raining.)
Daine- Rain? That's it?
SpongeBob- I'm ready!
Coram- Would ye stop that already, ye annoyin' yellow cube?
Thayet- But, like, SpongeBob isn't like yellow! He's blue!
Jon- No, he's yellow.
Buri- No, she's right! Look! (She points at SpongeBob, who in fact now IS blue.)
Alanna- Hey Myles, you look kinda funny…you look blue too!
Myles- (looking at his hands) What the heck?!
Courtney- (cackles evilly) See Daine? It wasn't JUST rain…it turns people (and sponges) blue!
George- You're twisted.
Courtney- Oh yeah? Well, YOU'RE Santa Claus!
(George's stomach swells, his spice shaker costume turns in to a red suit, he grows a beard, and his shoes turn to big black boots. His skin is blue.)
George- Ho ho ho!
Thayet- I'm like sprinkles!
Courtney- (disembodied voice sounding cruel) I don't like you, Thayet. Maybe if you don't speak, I won't give you a fate worse than death.
(Thayet actually understands the threat, and clams up.)
Courtney- Nah…I think I WILL give you a fate worse than death…
(Another dazzling flash of light.)
Thayet- I'm like Britney Spears! Noooooooo! That like IS a fate like worse than death!
Alanna- (laughing madly) You're even more ditzy now!
Daine- If that's possible…
Courtney- Hmmm…who's next…
Thayet- I'm a slave for you!
(Everyone tries to look inconspicuous.)
Courtney- Myles!
Myles- No! Please, I beg of you!
(Everyone else that hasn't been tortured breathes a sigh of relief.)
Courtney- I wouldn't be so happy if I were you. I'll get to the rest of you guys in a minute. Now, Myles…you shall be forced to wear a big green chicken suit forevermore!
Myles- Even when I'm dead?
Courtney- Yup. I want you to be made fun of in Earth AND the Underworld.
(A brilliant flash of light.)
SpongeBob- I'm a cube!
Myles- I'm a chicken!
Daine- Hey, why don't you go get a job as a mascot?
Myles- BECAUSE I'M A CHICKEN! A GREEN ONE!
Jon- Does this dress make me look fat?
Thayet- Oops… I did it again!
George- Ho ho ho! Who want's to sit on Santa's lap?
Alanna- Don't be gross, George!
Courtney- (yawns) I'm tired of this.
Numair- Thank the gods!
Onua- I love you, leprechaun of doom!
Leprechaun- Save the meatloaf!
SpongeBob- Where's Gary? He says MEOW!
Courtney- I'll just cause the rest of you misery in the next story.
Alanna- (gulps) N-next story?
Courtney- Oh yes. I have many more demented ideas for you all. And as my grand finale, I shall have you all sing the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song.
SpongeBob- I have a theme song?
Courtney- Yep. You even have your own show.
SpongeBob- I was not aware of this…
Courtney- SpongeBob, go away.
(Another flash of light occurs, and SpongeBob disappears.)
Buri- Thank the Goddess!
Thayet- Hit me baby one more time!
Courtney- SING!
All:
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Who's absorbent and yellow and porous is he?
SpongeBob SquarePants!
If nautical nonsense be something you wish,
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Then flop on the deck and flub like fish!
SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob … SquarePants!
Courtney- That was awful!
Thayet- Like hey! I like don't sing like bad!
Courtney- Yes, you do. Be quiet!
Thayet- Don't let me be the last to know!
Courtney- I think I'll do one more wicked thing before I end this story…Alanna shall be covered with mayonnaise and made into a tuna fish sandwich.
Alanna- I hate tuna!
Courtney- I know.
(One last flash of light, resulting in Alanna having mayo dumped on her, then tuna, then hard-boiled eggs, then bread.)
Daine- Ugh! You smell like fish, Alanna!
Alanna- (sarcastically) Gee, I wonder why…maybe it's because that maniac just dumped TUNA on me?!
Daine- That could be it…
Courtney- Ok, enough. I'll get Daine, Numair, Coram, Buri, and Onua in my next story. Onua, let go of the leprechaun!
Onua- No! He's mine!
Courtney- On second thought, I'll get you NOW.
(The leprechaun disappears, and instead Onua is holding Justin Timberlake from N*Stink.)
Onua- Nasty! Get away from me!
Justin- Let me serenade you with a song, my love!
Courtney- I'm gonna end this before we all go deaf from Justin's foul voice.
(Curtain closes.)
A/N: In case you didn't grasp this, I hate N*Stink and Britney Spears. I hate the Buttstreet Boys too, so maybe I'll get them in the next story. I felt like being evil to our beloved characters this time, so that's what the whole disembodied-author-and-the-flashing-lights were. Muwhahahahaha!
Disclaimer- I don't own any on Tamora Pierce's characters. I also don't own Britney or N*Stink. They are products of the media. SpongeBob, his song, and the rest on the crew belong to Nickelodeon. The leprechaun of doom is mine. Hee hee… doom is fun…
(Enter Alanna, George, Jon, Thayet, Numair, Daine, Buri, Onua, Myles, and Coram.)
(All of them are dressed as giant salt and pepper shakers with words on the fronts identifying what kind of spice they are: Alanna is oregano, George is nutmeg, Jon is cloves, Numair is pepper, Daine is paprika, Buri is cinnamon, Onua is ginger, Myles is thyme, Coram is sage, and Thayet is multi-colored sprinkles.)
Thayet- (reading off of Myles's costume) Like, you like spelled "time" like wrong. (She giggles.)
Myles- (rolling his eyes and sighing) Your Highness, t-h-y-m-e is the correct spelling for the spice.
Thayet- (looking completely bewildered) Like, okay. Whatever!
Coram- Yer Highness, ye do realize that yer not dressed as a spice, don't ye?
Thayet- Sprinkles are spices! I like totally asked the cook, and she said like yeah!
Alanna- You're messed up, Thayet.
Thayet- Like, so?
Daine- I wanna dance the funky chicken dance!
George- Me too!
(They begin to dance.)
Daine- Cluck!
(Numair leans over and whispers to Jon, Myles, and Coram. They all link arms.)
Numair- We're gonna do the can-can!
Buri- Gods help us all.
(Jon, Myles, Coram and Numair dance the can-can. They get their legs up quite high.)
Coram- I'm a purdy show girl!
Onua- Let's get started: We are being forced to come back out here and put on more food plays. Why? I don't know. Probably because Thayet, ditzy as she may be, IS queen, and told us that she would throw us in the dungeon if we didn't.
Alanna- We should have taken the dungeon option. Spices? This has got to the dumbest one yet.
Buri- Who was the bonehead who that of it, anyway?
(Anvil drops from out of nowhere and squashes Buri.)
Buri- I've been squished!
Daine- (stares at Buri, having stopped dancing) Uh oh. You've pissed off the author. Now we're in for it…
(There is a big flash of light, and suddenly Jon is wearing a neon pink, sleeveless evening dress, with matching heels.)
Jon- Oh, man!
Thayet- Jon! You're like wearing my like wedding dress!
Jon- It's not like I want to be! Blame HER! (He points upwards)
(There is another flash, and a little green man stands onstage.)
Little Green Man- I am the leprechaun of doom! Fear my greenness, for it is doomy!
George- Well, I like to sniff oregano! (He grabs Alanna and sniffs her.)
Onua- I think little green men are hot! (She grabs the leprechaun and kisses him.)
Leprechaun- Ack! (He struggles in her grip.)
(Another flash –A/N: I feel like tormenting the characters today– and SpongeBob SquarePants appears onstage.)
SpongeBob- I'm ready!
Numair- Who're you?
SpongeBob- I'm SpongeBob SquarePants! I live in Bikini Bottom, with my friends Patrick, and Sandy, and Squidward, and-
Numair- (interrupting) Ok buddy, all I asked for was a name, not your whole life story!
SpongeBob- My pants are square!
Myles- Mine too!
SpongeBob- Squirrels are sooooo dumb!
Daine- They are not!
SpongeBob- I work at the Krusty Krab! I'm the fry cook!
(One more flash of light.)
Coram- (looking around stage frantically) Well, what happened?
Alanna- (nervously) It was probably something really, really horrible…
SpongeBob- I live in a pineapple house!
Thayet- I like pineapples!
Jon- (still in his pretty little dress) Crap! Whatever happened this time is so bad, that it has yet to come!
Disembodied voice- Hee hee! I'm disembodied!
Myles- Yes, we see that.
Disembodied voice- Oh, ok. Good…
Buri- (still squashed) Who are you?
Disembodied voice- I'm the author, Courtney.
Alanna- So YOU'RE the evil menace who sent those stupid things here!
SpongeBob- My best friend is a starfish!
Courtney- Yup. Oh, by the way, nothing happened after the last flash. I just wanted to make you nervous.
SpongeBob- (runs around the stage, a spatula in one hand, a net in the other) Let's go jellyfishing! I'm ready, I'm ready!
Onua- (looks up from making out with the leprechaun) Ready for what?
SpongeBob- (shrugs his shoulders) I don't know. It's just my catch phrase. I'm ready!
Numair- So, nothing happened with the last flash?
Courtney- Yeah. But that doesn't mean that nothing won't happen with THIS flash!
(Another blinding flash of light, and it starts raining.)
Daine- Rain? That's it?
SpongeBob- I'm ready!
Coram- Would ye stop that already, ye annoyin' yellow cube?
Thayet- But, like, SpongeBob isn't like yellow! He's blue!
Jon- No, he's yellow.
Buri- No, she's right! Look! (She points at SpongeBob, who in fact now IS blue.)
Alanna- Hey Myles, you look kinda funny…you look blue too!
Myles- (looking at his hands) What the heck?!
Courtney- (cackles evilly) See Daine? It wasn't JUST rain…it turns people (and sponges) blue!
George- You're twisted.
Courtney- Oh yeah? Well, YOU'RE Santa Claus!
(George's stomach swells, his spice shaker costume turns in to a red suit, he grows a beard, and his shoes turn to big black boots. His skin is blue.)
George- Ho ho ho!
Thayet- I'm like sprinkles!
Courtney- (disembodied voice sounding cruel) I don't like you, Thayet. Maybe if you don't speak, I won't give you a fate worse than death.
(Thayet actually understands the threat, and clams up.)
Courtney- Nah…I think I WILL give you a fate worse than death…
(Another dazzling flash of light.)
Thayet- I'm like Britney Spears! Noooooooo! That like IS a fate like worse than death!
Alanna- (laughing madly) You're even more ditzy now!
Daine- If that's possible…
Courtney- Hmmm…who's next…
Thayet- I'm a slave for you!
(Everyone tries to look inconspicuous.)
Courtney- Myles!
Myles- No! Please, I beg of you!
(Everyone else that hasn't been tortured breathes a sigh of relief.)
Courtney- I wouldn't be so happy if I were you. I'll get to the rest of you guys in a minute. Now, Myles…you shall be forced to wear a big green chicken suit forevermore!
Myles- Even when I'm dead?
Courtney- Yup. I want you to be made fun of in Earth AND the Underworld.
(A brilliant flash of light.)
SpongeBob- I'm a cube!
Myles- I'm a chicken!
Daine- Hey, why don't you go get a job as a mascot?
Myles- BECAUSE I'M A CHICKEN! A GREEN ONE!
Jon- Does this dress make me look fat?
Thayet- Oops… I did it again!
George- Ho ho ho! Who want's to sit on Santa's lap?
Alanna- Don't be gross, George!
Courtney- (yawns) I'm tired of this.
Numair- Thank the gods!
Onua- I love you, leprechaun of doom!
Leprechaun- Save the meatloaf!
SpongeBob- Where's Gary? He says MEOW!
Courtney- I'll just cause the rest of you misery in the next story.
Alanna- (gulps) N-next story?
Courtney- Oh yes. I have many more demented ideas for you all. And as my grand finale, I shall have you all sing the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song.
SpongeBob- I have a theme song?
Courtney- Yep. You even have your own show.
SpongeBob- I was not aware of this…
Courtney- SpongeBob, go away.
(Another flash of light occurs, and SpongeBob disappears.)
Buri- Thank the Goddess!
Thayet- Hit me baby one more time!
Courtney- SING!
All:
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Who's absorbent and yellow and porous is he?
SpongeBob SquarePants!
If nautical nonsense be something you wish,
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Then flop on the deck and flub like fish!
SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob … SquarePants!
Courtney- That was awful!
Thayet- Like hey! I like don't sing like bad!
Courtney- Yes, you do. Be quiet!
Thayet- Don't let me be the last to know!
Courtney- I think I'll do one more wicked thing before I end this story…Alanna shall be covered with mayonnaise and made into a tuna fish sandwich.
Alanna- I hate tuna!
Courtney- I know.
(One last flash of light, resulting in Alanna having mayo dumped on her, then tuna, then hard-boiled eggs, then bread.)
Daine- Ugh! You smell like fish, Alanna!
Alanna- (sarcastically) Gee, I wonder why…maybe it's because that maniac just dumped TUNA on me?!
Daine- That could be it…
Courtney- Ok, enough. I'll get Daine, Numair, Coram, Buri, and Onua in my next story. Onua, let go of the leprechaun!
Onua- No! He's mine!
Courtney- On second thought, I'll get you NOW.
(The leprechaun disappears, and instead Onua is holding Justin Timberlake from N*Stink.)
Onua- Nasty! Get away from me!
Justin- Let me serenade you with a song, my love!
Courtney- I'm gonna end this before we all go deaf from Justin's foul voice.
(Curtain closes.)
A/N: In case you didn't grasp this, I hate N*Stink and Britney Spears. I hate the Buttstreet Boys too, so maybe I'll get them in the next story. I felt like being evil to our beloved characters this time, so that's what the whole disembodied-author-and-the-flashing-lights were. Muwhahahahaha!
Disclaimer- I don't own any on Tamora Pierce's characters. I also don't own Britney or N*Stink. They are products of the media. SpongeBob, his song, and the rest on the crew belong to Nickelodeon. The leprechaun of doom is mine. Hee hee… doom is fun…