Sweet Tooth
Warning: You might need to have seen and/or read Lord of the Rings to understand parts of this story...
(Enter Jon, Alanna, Daine, Numair, George, Thayet, Buri, Onua, Coram, and Myles. They all look terrified.)
(Jon is dressed as an ice cream cone, Alanna is a bar of chocolate, Daine is a pack of gum, Numair is a lollipop, George is a chocolate chip cookie, Thayet is an apple, Buri is a candy cane, Myles is still a big, green, rubber chicken, Coram is a gingerbread man, and Onua is a slice of cake.)
Disembodied voice- Welcome to the show, Torture the Characters. I mean, Sweet Tooth. Hee hee. I am Courtney, exalted author and creator.
Jon- I'm the king, and I say that you can't torment us!
Courtney- Yeah, like I really care what your little insignificant title is. For your insolence and stupid outburst, I shall force you to listen to Ricky Martin for the rest of your pathetic life.
Jon- That's a stupid punishment! Ricky Martin is my hero! Livin' la vida loca!
Courtney- QUIET! He won't be your idol for long. Listening to his appalling voice for all of eternity will soon change your mind.
(Flash of light, and Jon is sporting a pair of headphones.)
Jon- Shake your bon bon! (He dances around the stage.)
Courtney- Next! Uh, since I can't really remember exactly who I tortured in the last story, and I'm too lazy to go check, I'm just going to cause you all agony! It'll be fun!
Myles- I highly doubt that.
Courtney- Did I ask for your opinion?
Myles- No, but--
Courtney- Didn't think so. And I have plans for you, you dumb cluck.
(Flash of light, and angry chittering is heard.)
Myles- What? AHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Rabid mutant squirrels attack him from all angles. He tries to swat them off, and they bite him.)
Daine- Oh, poor squirrelies! Is the big bad Myles hurting you? (She approaches Myles, and the squirrels glare at her with glowing red eyes and hiss at her. She backs away.) Never mind...
Alanna- Hey Thayet, why don't you try to go pick one up?
Thayet- Like, okey-dokey! Cute little like penguins thingies...(She picks one up, and it pees on her.) Like, yucky!
Onua- Did you know that in addition to little green men, I love Eskimos? I've always wanted to live in an igloo...
Courtney- Onua, shut up.
Onua- You can't make me!
Numair- (nudges Onua.) Yeah, she can.
Courtney- Numair is right, you know. I have infinite power. Anything I say goes. Want a demonstration?
Onua- Not really.
Courtney- Tough! I say...that giant alpacas shall trample you flat.
Onua- That's gonna hurt.
George-What's an alpaca?
Daine- They're kind of like llamas.
Buri- I wish I had an alpaca...
Courtney- If you can catch one, you can keep it!
Buri- Really? Really, really, really?
Courtney- No. Now, silence!
(Flash of light, and stampeding.)
Onua- Yay! My doom comes forth! (She is trampled by raging, cute wittle alpacas.) Ouchie! I've been trampled!
Thayet- Like, are you like all right?
Onua- (giggles) Nope! I hurt in places I didn't even know I had.
Coram- I knew that you had them!
Courtney- Stupid guardsman! Who said you could speak?
Coram- The voices in my head told me to.
Alanna- That's disturbing.
Jon- (tugs at his headphones) Hey, this stupid contraption won't come off!
Courtney- And it never will. What did you think I meant when I said "all of eternity" and "the rest of your pathetic life"?!
Jon- Uh, until I got bored with listening to Ricky...
Courtney- Well, you were very wrong.
Numair- Courtney, may I ask you a question?
Courtney- You are not on a first-name basis with me, Numair. You must refer to me as the Supreme Empress of Fan Fiction and Everything in the Universe.
Numair- Ok...um, Supreme Empress of Fan Fiction and Everything in the Universe, may I ask you a question?
Supreme Empress of Fan Fiction and Everything in the Universe Courtney- Yes, you may.
Numair- Where do you get your infinite power from? And why are you disembodied?
Courtney- Do you really, really want to know?
Numair- Yes, Supreme Empress. I really, really do.
Courtney- Ok, I'll tell you. But only cause I like you.
Daine- Hey! He's mine! (Runs to Numair and holds his arm possessively.)
Courtney- I demand silence! Anyway, it's because I have the One Ring of Power.
(Flash of light.)
Courtney- Where did that come from? I didn't conjure any forms of misery just then!
(Nine beings suddenly stand on stage.)
Gandalf- Frodo, don't YOU have the One Ring?
Frodo- Yeah, it's right here! (He holds up a ring on a chain.)
Courtney- (snorts with laughter.) That's a phony. I stole the true Ring from Sauron eons ago. Didn't you know?
Frodo- But this one makes the wearer invisible!
Courtney- Maybe so, but that's the only thing it does.
Frodo- (puts the Ring on and disappears) Hey, you're right! I can't do anything else with it! Gandalf, you should really check your sources more carefully... (Reappears)
Aragorn- Can we have the real one? Please?
Courtney- What do you think?
Aragorn- I wield The Sword That Was Broken, so I say, yes!
Courtney- Well, since I wield the One Ring, I say that your feeble toy means nothing, and I'm keeping the Ring! MINE!
Alanna- Who are you people?
Legolas- I'm an Elf!
Courtney- (gasps) Legolas is here?!
Pippin- Yup.
Merry- Uh huh.
Sam- We're the hobbits three! (Links arms with Merry and Pippin.) Ta da!
Gimli- I wanna lop off some Orc-heads with my axe! (Runs his thumb across the blade of his axe, and cuts it.) Youch!
Courtney- Don't care! (Flash of light, and a gorgeous girl with dazzling blue eyes and long, golden hair materializes. - A/N: Hee hee, I'm so modest! - She waves shyly at Legolas.) Hi.
Numair- (eyes wide, stares at Courtney.) Wow.
Jon- (mouth hanging open.) Holy crapsicola.
Coram- Goddess bless...
George- You're Courtney? The evil author?
Courtney- (snaps at them) What are you staring at? You've all got girls!
(Daine, Thayet and Alanna glare at their men maliciously. Numair, Jon, and George begin to sweat.)
Coram- My wife ain't here!
Courtney- Now she is.
(Flash of light.)
(Rispah suddenly stands there, hands on her hips.)
Coram- Uh, hi honey! How are you?
(Rispah rolls up her sleeves and advances on Coram. The other ladies follow suit.)
Courtney- Hi Legolas!
Legolas- Yo.
Boromir- Hi Courtney!
Courtney- (to Boromir) Didn't you die?
Boromir- Maybe...
Courtney- So, why are you here?
Boromir- I dunno. One second I was golfing with Elvis and Abe Lincoln, and the next I'm standing here. It was strange.
Courtney- (feigning interest) That's nice! (Turns back to Legolas.) What brings you guys to my humble story?? (Bats her eyelashes.)
Gandalf- Because you have the Ring.
Courtney- (twirls the Ring on her finger) And your point is...?
Gimli- We kinda need it to stop Sauron from destroying all of Middle-Earth.
Courtney- Sucks to be you!
Buri- Let me try on the Ring! It's so pretty and sparkly... (Makes a grab for it.)
Frodo- NO! Give it to me! I'm the Bearer! (Tries to grab the Ring.)
Courtney- (screams) No! It's mine! (Put the Ring on and vanishes.)
(Flash of light, and it begins to rain purple jellybeans.)
Courtney- (disembodied again) Fear the wrath of my purple jellybeans of DOOM!
(Update: Thayet kicking Jon, Alanna is wailing on George, Numair and Daine are making out, Onua is lying on the floor in bemused anguish, Buri and Frodo are slapping each other, Rispah is whacking Coram in the head, Myles is being devoured by the squirrels, and the rest of the Fellowship is staring at the jellybeans.)
Legolas- Ooh, I like purple jellybeans! (Tilts his head up and opens his mouth.)
Courtney- No, Legolas! Don't eat them!
Legolas- (mouth full of jellybeans) Why not? (Suddenly, he begins to shrink, grows fur, and turns green.) Woof!
Courtney- ...because they transform you into glittery, emerald poodles. My poor Legolas! You've been doggieafied!
Buri- Wouldn't it make more sense for the jellybeans to turn them into PURPLE poodles, since the beans are purple?
Courtney- Of course it would! But, I don't like making sense. It's too...conventional. I like thinking OUTSIDE of the box. Deal with it! And for trying to correct me, Buri, you will grow an enormous, hairy nose that will rival even George's!
(Flash of light, and Buri's nose lengthens.)
Buri- (feeling her nose) Eek! I look like George!
Gandalf- I have a staff! (He wiggles his magical staff in the air.) Hand over the ring!
Courtney- (re-materializes) Yeah, right.
Aragorn- Now!
Courtney- Don't make me use this! (Hold the Ring aloft menacingly.) I have many more diabolical schemes that I won't hesitate to administer on you!
Aragorn- (meekly) Okay.
Legolas- Yip yip yip!
Onua- (squashed flat on the floor) Can I have the Ring?
Courtney- Man! Can't you guys see that I'm not gonna give up the Ring?! You are so irritating!
Sam- I'll give you the box of magical garden earth that Galadriel gave me for it...
Courtney- A container of dirt in exchange for ultimate power? Hmm...that sounds like a good idea! Here you go! (Give Sam the Ring and takes the container.) Just what I've always wanted! (Walks offstage looking at the box with pleasure.) I'll plant strawberries, and roses, and tulips...(Disappears out of sight.)
Sam- (Hold up the Ring with pride) Huzzah! I possess the Ring! Glory and might are mine!
Frodo- (grabs the Ring) Give me that!
Legolas- Woof!
Gandalf- C'mon, let's go find a way to change elf-boy back to normal.
Boromir- Can I go back to being dead? I was beating Abe and Elvis by two strokes!
Gandalf- Sure. (Lifts staff high in the air.)
(Flash of light, and the Fellowship is gone.)
Onua- I'm still mashed...
Buri- (moaning) My nose! (Runs offstage.)
Daine- (looks up) Oh no! Those creepy squirrels ate Myles!
Alanna- Daddy!
George- Step-daddy!
Jon- Livin' la vida loca!
Numair- Didn't anyone else find it a little disturbing that George's mother and Alanna's adopted father got married, and so did Alanna and George?
George- Why you be talking `bout my mama?
Numair- (sighs) Forget it.
Thayet- Like, whose line is it like anyway?
(Everybody but Thayet sighs exasperatedly and leaves the stage.)
Thayet- Like, what did I say?
(Curtain closes)
A/N: Did you like the little Lord of the Rings twist? I realized, while I was writing this, that I (Courtney) was invisible, and I had lots-o-power...and then it came to me- I had the Ring! (looks around) Well, I thought it was a stroke of genius... Anyhoo, this is the last of my food stories. Sorry! I'm running out of brilliant ideas! Maybe, it you're all very good, and I'm super hyper, I'll write another. But for now, this is...
THE END
Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce owns Rispah, Alanna, Jon, Daine, Coram, Myles, Numair, Buri, Onua, George and Thayet. The Fellowship dudes, Galadriel, and the One Ring belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. Ricky Martin and his bad music belong to whatever record company was unlucky enough to sign him on. The story, the torments, and my little self-insertion are of my creation.
Warning: You might need to have seen and/or read Lord of the Rings to understand parts of this story...
(Enter Jon, Alanna, Daine, Numair, George, Thayet, Buri, Onua, Coram, and Myles. They all look terrified.)
(Jon is dressed as an ice cream cone, Alanna is a bar of chocolate, Daine is a pack of gum, Numair is a lollipop, George is a chocolate chip cookie, Thayet is an apple, Buri is a candy cane, Myles is still a big, green, rubber chicken, Coram is a gingerbread man, and Onua is a slice of cake.)
Disembodied voice- Welcome to the show, Torture the Characters. I mean, Sweet Tooth. Hee hee. I am Courtney, exalted author and creator.
Jon- I'm the king, and I say that you can't torment us!
Courtney- Yeah, like I really care what your little insignificant title is. For your insolence and stupid outburst, I shall force you to listen to Ricky Martin for the rest of your pathetic life.
Jon- That's a stupid punishment! Ricky Martin is my hero! Livin' la vida loca!
Courtney- QUIET! He won't be your idol for long. Listening to his appalling voice for all of eternity will soon change your mind.
(Flash of light, and Jon is sporting a pair of headphones.)
Jon- Shake your bon bon! (He dances around the stage.)
Courtney- Next! Uh, since I can't really remember exactly who I tortured in the last story, and I'm too lazy to go check, I'm just going to cause you all agony! It'll be fun!
Myles- I highly doubt that.
Courtney- Did I ask for your opinion?
Myles- No, but--
Courtney- Didn't think so. And I have plans for you, you dumb cluck.
(Flash of light, and angry chittering is heard.)
Myles- What? AHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Rabid mutant squirrels attack him from all angles. He tries to swat them off, and they bite him.)
Daine- Oh, poor squirrelies! Is the big bad Myles hurting you? (She approaches Myles, and the squirrels glare at her with glowing red eyes and hiss at her. She backs away.) Never mind...
Alanna- Hey Thayet, why don't you try to go pick one up?
Thayet- Like, okey-dokey! Cute little like penguins thingies...(She picks one up, and it pees on her.) Like, yucky!
Onua- Did you know that in addition to little green men, I love Eskimos? I've always wanted to live in an igloo...
Courtney- Onua, shut up.
Onua- You can't make me!
Numair- (nudges Onua.) Yeah, she can.
Courtney- Numair is right, you know. I have infinite power. Anything I say goes. Want a demonstration?
Onua- Not really.
Courtney- Tough! I say...that giant alpacas shall trample you flat.
Onua- That's gonna hurt.
George-What's an alpaca?
Daine- They're kind of like llamas.
Buri- I wish I had an alpaca...
Courtney- If you can catch one, you can keep it!
Buri- Really? Really, really, really?
Courtney- No. Now, silence!
(Flash of light, and stampeding.)
Onua- Yay! My doom comes forth! (She is trampled by raging, cute wittle alpacas.) Ouchie! I've been trampled!
Thayet- Like, are you like all right?
Onua- (giggles) Nope! I hurt in places I didn't even know I had.
Coram- I knew that you had them!
Courtney- Stupid guardsman! Who said you could speak?
Coram- The voices in my head told me to.
Alanna- That's disturbing.
Jon- (tugs at his headphones) Hey, this stupid contraption won't come off!
Courtney- And it never will. What did you think I meant when I said "all of eternity" and "the rest of your pathetic life"?!
Jon- Uh, until I got bored with listening to Ricky...
Courtney- Well, you were very wrong.
Numair- Courtney, may I ask you a question?
Courtney- You are not on a first-name basis with me, Numair. You must refer to me as the Supreme Empress of Fan Fiction and Everything in the Universe.
Numair- Ok...um, Supreme Empress of Fan Fiction and Everything in the Universe, may I ask you a question?
Supreme Empress of Fan Fiction and Everything in the Universe Courtney- Yes, you may.
Numair- Where do you get your infinite power from? And why are you disembodied?
Courtney- Do you really, really want to know?
Numair- Yes, Supreme Empress. I really, really do.
Courtney- Ok, I'll tell you. But only cause I like you.
Daine- Hey! He's mine! (Runs to Numair and holds his arm possessively.)
Courtney- I demand silence! Anyway, it's because I have the One Ring of Power.
(Flash of light.)
Courtney- Where did that come from? I didn't conjure any forms of misery just then!
(Nine beings suddenly stand on stage.)
Gandalf- Frodo, don't YOU have the One Ring?
Frodo- Yeah, it's right here! (He holds up a ring on a chain.)
Courtney- (snorts with laughter.) That's a phony. I stole the true Ring from Sauron eons ago. Didn't you know?
Frodo- But this one makes the wearer invisible!
Courtney- Maybe so, but that's the only thing it does.
Frodo- (puts the Ring on and disappears) Hey, you're right! I can't do anything else with it! Gandalf, you should really check your sources more carefully... (Reappears)
Aragorn- Can we have the real one? Please?
Courtney- What do you think?
Aragorn- I wield The Sword That Was Broken, so I say, yes!
Courtney- Well, since I wield the One Ring, I say that your feeble toy means nothing, and I'm keeping the Ring! MINE!
Alanna- Who are you people?
Legolas- I'm an Elf!
Courtney- (gasps) Legolas is here?!
Pippin- Yup.
Merry- Uh huh.
Sam- We're the hobbits three! (Links arms with Merry and Pippin.) Ta da!
Gimli- I wanna lop off some Orc-heads with my axe! (Runs his thumb across the blade of his axe, and cuts it.) Youch!
Courtney- Don't care! (Flash of light, and a gorgeous girl with dazzling blue eyes and long, golden hair materializes. - A/N: Hee hee, I'm so modest! - She waves shyly at Legolas.) Hi.
Numair- (eyes wide, stares at Courtney.) Wow.
Jon- (mouth hanging open.) Holy crapsicola.
Coram- Goddess bless...
George- You're Courtney? The evil author?
Courtney- (snaps at them) What are you staring at? You've all got girls!
(Daine, Thayet and Alanna glare at their men maliciously. Numair, Jon, and George begin to sweat.)
Coram- My wife ain't here!
Courtney- Now she is.
(Flash of light.)
(Rispah suddenly stands there, hands on her hips.)
Coram- Uh, hi honey! How are you?
(Rispah rolls up her sleeves and advances on Coram. The other ladies follow suit.)
Courtney- Hi Legolas!
Legolas- Yo.
Boromir- Hi Courtney!
Courtney- (to Boromir) Didn't you die?
Boromir- Maybe...
Courtney- So, why are you here?
Boromir- I dunno. One second I was golfing with Elvis and Abe Lincoln, and the next I'm standing here. It was strange.
Courtney- (feigning interest) That's nice! (Turns back to Legolas.) What brings you guys to my humble story?? (Bats her eyelashes.)
Gandalf- Because you have the Ring.
Courtney- (twirls the Ring on her finger) And your point is...?
Gimli- We kinda need it to stop Sauron from destroying all of Middle-Earth.
Courtney- Sucks to be you!
Buri- Let me try on the Ring! It's so pretty and sparkly... (Makes a grab for it.)
Frodo- NO! Give it to me! I'm the Bearer! (Tries to grab the Ring.)
Courtney- (screams) No! It's mine! (Put the Ring on and vanishes.)
(Flash of light, and it begins to rain purple jellybeans.)
Courtney- (disembodied again) Fear the wrath of my purple jellybeans of DOOM!
(Update: Thayet kicking Jon, Alanna is wailing on George, Numair and Daine are making out, Onua is lying on the floor in bemused anguish, Buri and Frodo are slapping each other, Rispah is whacking Coram in the head, Myles is being devoured by the squirrels, and the rest of the Fellowship is staring at the jellybeans.)
Legolas- Ooh, I like purple jellybeans! (Tilts his head up and opens his mouth.)
Courtney- No, Legolas! Don't eat them!
Legolas- (mouth full of jellybeans) Why not? (Suddenly, he begins to shrink, grows fur, and turns green.) Woof!
Courtney- ...because they transform you into glittery, emerald poodles. My poor Legolas! You've been doggieafied!
Buri- Wouldn't it make more sense for the jellybeans to turn them into PURPLE poodles, since the beans are purple?
Courtney- Of course it would! But, I don't like making sense. It's too...conventional. I like thinking OUTSIDE of the box. Deal with it! And for trying to correct me, Buri, you will grow an enormous, hairy nose that will rival even George's!
(Flash of light, and Buri's nose lengthens.)
Buri- (feeling her nose) Eek! I look like George!
Gandalf- I have a staff! (He wiggles his magical staff in the air.) Hand over the ring!
Courtney- (re-materializes) Yeah, right.
Aragorn- Now!
Courtney- Don't make me use this! (Hold the Ring aloft menacingly.) I have many more diabolical schemes that I won't hesitate to administer on you!
Aragorn- (meekly) Okay.
Legolas- Yip yip yip!
Onua- (squashed flat on the floor) Can I have the Ring?
Courtney- Man! Can't you guys see that I'm not gonna give up the Ring?! You are so irritating!
Sam- I'll give you the box of magical garden earth that Galadriel gave me for it...
Courtney- A container of dirt in exchange for ultimate power? Hmm...that sounds like a good idea! Here you go! (Give Sam the Ring and takes the container.) Just what I've always wanted! (Walks offstage looking at the box with pleasure.) I'll plant strawberries, and roses, and tulips...(Disappears out of sight.)
Sam- (Hold up the Ring with pride) Huzzah! I possess the Ring! Glory and might are mine!
Frodo- (grabs the Ring) Give me that!
Legolas- Woof!
Gandalf- C'mon, let's go find a way to change elf-boy back to normal.
Boromir- Can I go back to being dead? I was beating Abe and Elvis by two strokes!
Gandalf- Sure. (Lifts staff high in the air.)
(Flash of light, and the Fellowship is gone.)
Onua- I'm still mashed...
Buri- (moaning) My nose! (Runs offstage.)
Daine- (looks up) Oh no! Those creepy squirrels ate Myles!
Alanna- Daddy!
George- Step-daddy!
Jon- Livin' la vida loca!
Numair- Didn't anyone else find it a little disturbing that George's mother and Alanna's adopted father got married, and so did Alanna and George?
George- Why you be talking `bout my mama?
Numair- (sighs) Forget it.
Thayet- Like, whose line is it like anyway?
(Everybody but Thayet sighs exasperatedly and leaves the stage.)
Thayet- Like, what did I say?
(Curtain closes)
A/N: Did you like the little Lord of the Rings twist? I realized, while I was writing this, that I (Courtney) was invisible, and I had lots-o-power...and then it came to me- I had the Ring! (looks around) Well, I thought it was a stroke of genius... Anyhoo, this is the last of my food stories. Sorry! I'm running out of brilliant ideas! Maybe, it you're all very good, and I'm super hyper, I'll write another. But for now, this is...
THE END
Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce owns Rispah, Alanna, Jon, Daine, Coram, Myles, Numair, Buri, Onua, George and Thayet. The Fellowship dudes, Galadriel, and the One Ring belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. Ricky Martin and his bad music belong to whatever record company was unlucky enough to sign him on. The story, the torments, and my little self-insertion are of my creation.