The One With The New Years Kiss
Chapter three of: 'TOW The Christmas Strife'
By: Jana~
*****~*****
--Chandler stood outside Monica's door, slumping against it… he'd yelled at her. God, why did he do that? Why did he yell at her? She didn't deserve that.
He contemplated whether or not to go back in and apologize, but decided against it rather quickly…
*She hates you now…* he told himself… *And with good reason. It's better this way.* he rationalized… *She'll forgive you in a few days, or weeks, then everything will be back to normal…*
He started to move off the door, having been leaning on it while in thought, but before he could shift his weight, the support left from behind him and he went crashing to the floor.
Monica immediately dropped to her knees, placing her hand on his shoulder… "Oh my God! Chandler, I'm so sorry!"
He just looked at her, unmoving… not talking…
"Chandler, say something."
"Were you crying?"
It was then that she realized that she hadn't wiped the tears from her eyes and cheeks before opening the door. She hadn't expected to be seeing Chandler flat on his back, staring up at her… she thought she would have a moment to collect herself before knocking on his door…
She averted her eyes as she wiped at her face, then grasped his arm near his elbow… for balance… "Let me help you up…"
He groaned as he moved, allowing her to help. Ross was right, she WAS freakishly strong.
She helped him to the couch and he eased down to the cushions with a sigh.
She sat beside him nervously, at the edge of the couch, waiting for him to speak…
"It's going to be awkward…" he spoke up finally… "If we don't talk about stuff… isn't it?"
She nodded… "I'm afraid so."
He saw a new tear fall down her face and he wiped it away with his thumb… oh-so gently… "What happened? Between us?"
"We questioned the line… between friendship and… MORE… I think…"
He nodded… "I am so sorry I made you cry. God, I never wanted to hurt you."
"I'm fine. But, I do think we need to talk about this."
He nodded again. "You go first."
She chuckled… "There were a few things said… and I guess I thought that… maybe…"
"Maybe what?" he asked softly…
"That maybe you too had considered crossing the line…"
He looked at her with questioning eyes… "Too?"
"I don't know when it happened exactly, but, I started thinking… maybe…"
"Right…" he cut her off. He had to cut her off. If she finished the sentence, he would yearn… moreso than he already was…
"So… have you? Thought about crossing that line I mean…"
He didn't reply right away… he didn't want to answer her. Didn't want to admit it out loud. But he knew he had to. They had to 'air things out', as Monica had said. He just wanted their relationship back the way it was… and if it meant humiliating himself, he would have to do it…
"Yes…" he replied quietly… "But…"
"But?" she repeated in the form of a question…
"We can't cross the line."
She nodded… "Ok. Can I ask why?"
He sighed, swallowed his fear, and faced her… "I love you Monica. I really do. You are my best friend. I couldn't imagine my life without you." He paused for a moment before continuing… "And that's why I can't date you. If I try to date you, I will lose you. Alienate you. Hurt you. I wouldn't be able to live with myself then…"
"How can you be so sure?"
He looked at her with a sideways glance of skepticism… "You know me Monica. You look in the dictionary under failure and you'll find my picture."
She scowled… "You're not a failure, Chandler."
"I am at relationships."
"Maybe this would be different?" She gestured between the two of them…
"I can't take that chance." he stated solemnly… "I care too much about you to risk your heart… or mine."
"What if I'm willing to take the risk?"
He shook his head… "I'm not."
"Fair enough." She couldn't hide her disappointment, and he gathered her in his arms as a tear splashed down her face…
"Please don't cry over me, Monica. I'm not worth it."
"You don't give yourself enough credit." She sniffled as she allowed his embrace to comfort her…
"I only give credit where credit is due…" he quipped half-heartedly, stroking her hair as he held her… "It's not like I'm heading off to war… or dying…" he muttered, confused by her reaction… "We'll still see each other every day…"
"I know…" she acknowledged as she pulled away… "I just feel like something that could've been amazing ended before it ever began. It's sad…" she wiped away her tears with a kleenex he provided… "Or maybe it's just cause I'm on my period." she quipped…
He wrinkled his nose, but couldn't help but chuckle… "Too much info there, Mon…"
She smiled… "Yeah. Sorry."
"S'ok…" He watched her for a moment as she attempted to regroup… "So, we ok?"
"Yeah…" she nodded… "We're fine."
"You don't hate me?"
"Of course not." She assured him… "I understand your reasons. I may not completely agree with them, but I understand them."
He nodded and smiled… "It's better this way."
She smiled… "Ok…"
"We're still on for New Years, right?" he asked…
"The kiss?"
He nodded… "Yeah."
"Yeah, I don't see the harm in that."
He scoffed… "I do."
"But you still want to do it?"
"Yeah. Kinda symbolic. Like, the start of a new year, and our friendship is solid and secure and the kiss proves that."
"Alright…" she shook her head… "I kinda follow you there… but, aren't you afraid of the feelings it could dredge up?"
"The 'old' Chandler and Monica coulda handled a friendly kiss, no problem. I want things to be the way they were."
"And kissing will prove that to be possible?"
He nodded… "Yep. I think…"
"Ok…" she shrugged… "I'll kiss you at midnight on New Year's Eve then…"
"You don't have to make it sound like such a chore!" he snipped jokingly…
"Yeah, well, you didn't have to yell at me…" she joked, pretending to be upset…
He could tell she was just playing, and he smiled… "And this is where I say goodnight…" He struggled to stand, his back still hurting… "I think you killed my back."
"I wasn't expecting you to be leaning against my door…" she defended herself…
"Yeah…"
"Why were you anyway?"
"I was struggling with whether or not to come in and apologize to you…" he continued towards the door… "For yelling at you…"
"Ah."
With his hand on the doorknob, he turned just slightly… she could see him in profile… "Night, Mon."
"Night…" she nodded… "And Merry Christmas."
As he turned a little further, Monica could see a small smile crack across his face… "Happy Hanukah." He walked out the door and closed it softly, the click of the latch almost sounding eerily loud to Monica, who stood rooted in place for several minutes, staring at the door before finally moving to finish cleaning.
*****
--Minutes before the ball would be dropping, and Chandler and Monica were both stealing nervous glances at one-another. The friends watched the TV, waiting for the pivotal moment, all but two aware of the tension between the two friends who's friendship had suffered strain over the previous month.
Rachel and Joey both knew, to some extent, the anxieties between them because Monica had confided in Rachel and Chandler in Joey, but Ross and Phoebe were oblivious. Ross because he was excited about kissing Rachel, his secret crush, and Phoebe cause she was… well… Phoebe.
Joey and Phoebe shared a smile as the moment was upon them… Ross was counting down enthusiastically, and Rachel chuckled at how adorable and boyish he was being… Chandler and Monica just stared intently at the other…
"Six… five… four… three… two… ONE!" Ross announced, then leaned in to kiss Rachel…
Phoebe blew on her little noise maker before Joey kissed her…
Chandler smiled awkwardly, then closed the gap between him and Monica, touching his lips lightly to hers.
It felt better than he'd prepared himself for… her lips so soft, and she kissed him back in a way that let him know her feelings for him…
The soft moan that escaped her lips was involuntary, and only heard by Chandler as the noise from the TV drowned out the sound…
Phoebe and Joey were the first to break, their kiss soft and brief… he looked at her expectantly…
She smiled… "Happy New Year…" she uttered, her tone indicating the kiss was good…
He nodded emphatically, pleased by her reaction… "Yeah baby!"
Chandler and Monica were the next to break. The kiss had been more than friendly, but by no means the passionate kiss Monica wanted and Chandler knew to be a bad idea.
He touched her face gently, then smiled… "Happy New Year, Mon…"
She nodded, tears welling she refused to allow to fall… "Happy New Year, Chandler." She took his hand from her face and held it, giving it a squeeze.
Ross and Rachel were the last to break, and as Ross slowly backed away from her, he noticed she looked flushed…
She looked around the room at nothing in particular before looking into Ross' eyes. She stammered, trying to gather her thoughts…
"Uh… Happy New Year… uh… Ross."
He smiled… "Happy New Year, Rache."
Everyone's attention moved to the blushing twosome…
"Need us to leave you two alone?" Chandler quipped…
Ross shot him a 'look'… "Shut up, k man?"
"Sorry…"
"Ummm…" Rachel muttered… "I think I need some air…" she stood… "Excuse me." She headed for the balcony, and everyone looked at Ross as he watched her leave…
"I'm gonna go talk to her…" Ross stated quietly, more to himself than to anyone else. He followed her onto the balcony…
"Whoa…" Joey shook his head… "Intense."
Phoebe nodded… "Yeah. Think I'm gonna go. Let them have some privacy…"
"I'll take you home…" Joey offered… "After midnight on New Years… could be iffy as far as drunks and weirdoes…"
Phoebe smiled and touched his face… "Thanks." She turned to Monica… "Great party, Mon."
Monica nodded as she walked Phoebe and Joey to the door… "Thanks."
Phoebe leaned in… "Let me know what's going on…" she requested sotto, gesturing towards the balcony… "If you find out anything."
Monica smiled weakly, her mind on other things… "Ok."
"See'ya in a bit, man…" Joey told Chandler, who simply acknowledged his friend with an up-nod…
And then it was just Chandler and Monica alone in the apartment… Ross and Rachel having their own situation going on out on the balcony…
"Let's go over to my apartment…" Chandler suggested… "Joey'll be a while. And it'll give them," he gestured towards the balcony… "Some privacy."
She nodded… "Ok."
--They entered his apartment, and Chandler immediately grabbed a beer out of the fridge, hoping the affects of alcohol would relax him.
"Want one?" he asked, holding up his beer… she shook her head 'no'.
He twisted off the top and took a swig, but when he turned to toss the cap into the garbage, she threw her arms around him and pressed her lips soundly to his…
He was shocked, but kissed back, her lips too perfect to ignore. He wrapped his arm around her, his cold beer chilling her back as the kiss grew in intensity.
Without breaking the kiss he reached out blindly towards the counter and fumbled with placing the bottle down so he could free his hand. Once the beer was safely situated, his now-empty hand flew to her hair, holding her firmly as his other hand wandered her form…
He took the opportunity to speak when her lips left his in search of his ear and neck… "We shouldn't be doing this…"
"I don't care." She replied…
"It'll be harder…"
"I don't care…" she repeated…
"I can't be in a relationship with you…"
"I don't care."
"Is there anything you DO care about?"
She sucked on the taught skin of his neck, giving him a slight hickey, causing him to moan… "I care about you…" she breathed, peppering his skin with kisses as she inched her hands up under his shirt hem… "Make love to me Chandler. Just tonight. Please."
"It'll be harder…" he repeated…
"Please?" she pleaded, ignoring his warning, and he sighed…
He couldn't refuse her. His mind AND his body wouldn't let him. He gathered her into his arms and carried her to his room.
*****
--"That was a mistake…" Chandler sighed as he held a naked Monica close to his sweaty body… "It was a nice mistake, but it was a mistake."
"I don't care." She whispered, kissing his chest… "And thank you."
"God, don't thank me! If I'd been stronger, we never would have made this mistake… and I wouldn't have to hurt you…"
"You don't have to hurt me." She reminded him…
"I can't date you Monica. We won't work. You deserve better than me anyway…"
"I should be the one to decide who I deserve."
He sighed, rubbing her arm… "I know it's your decision, but, you know as well as I do how disastrous we would be together. I'm not even sure if I CAN have a normal, healthy relationship."
She scoffed… "Of course you can! It might take a bit more work, but, I know you COULD… if you wanted to…" There was a touch of sadness to her voice…
"I WANT to, Mon, believe me. Who wouldn't want you?! You are amazing! But, I know how this will end. It'll end with me freaking about commitment, you being pissed that you wasted your time and energy on me, and us not being able to stand being in the same room together. Like you and Kip. We'll fall away from one-another… it'll mess up the wonderful group of friends we have…" he paused to kiss her shoulder… "You know as well as I do, this just won't work." He moved to look into her tear filled eyes… "You know I'm right."
She nodded… "I know you are. I don't like it, but I know it."
"I'm so sorry…"
She nodded… "Maybe, later in life--"
"Don't think about that now. We don't know what the future holds. Well, except for maybe Phoebe…" He chuckled when she did… "Still, you'll meet a great guy, and forget all about these feelings…"
"And you'll meet some woman and forget about me…"
"Doubtful."
"Which is doubtful?"
"Both."
"You will. You'll meet some woman who will finally help you get over all your weird commitment crap, and you'll fall in love and get married…"
He groaned at her words… "Please, Monica, that's a world away… a galaxy away! Far, FAR away."
"You're thinking you'll never get married?"
"I don't know. I know I can't imagine it right now, but, later… I don't honestly know."
"Can I ask you a question?"
He laughed… "After what just happened between us… it's not like we have any secrets anymore…"
She smiled… "And that kinda leads me to my question…" She fluctuated her weight, supporting herself on her elbow which was digging into the mattress… "Would you be willing to… go… again?"
"Again? Really? I didn't suck?"
She laughed at his choice of words… "Well, just that one time, when you went south…"
He shook his head, his smile broadening… "You know what I mean…"
"I do, and you didn't. And I know the whole 'it'll make it harder' speech… but, I want you again. Please?"
"God, why am I saying 'no' to a relationship with you again?"
"Cause, you're afraid you'll end up hurting me and losing me as a friend…"
"Right." He kissed her lips, softly, then with growing passion… "You're sure?"
She nodded, then pulled his lips back to hers…
TO BE CONTINUED…