A/N: I'm baaaaaaack! I know I said that the candy play was the last one,
but how can anyone resist such begging reviews?! "Please, write more!" and
"You're the best author EVER!" *looks around smugly* I added a few POTS
characters, since so many of you asked me to include them. Normally, I
only write fanfics about certain books when I've completed the series (I've
only read First Test and Page). But I'm feeling generous today. Anyway, I
hope you enjoy this one.
Bottom's Up!
(Enter Buri, Daine, Numair, Jon, Alanna, George, Onua, Thayet, Coram, Kel, Myles, Neal, Joren, and Cleon.)
(Each is wearing different-colored clothing, with bold words written on their fronts, identifying their drink: Buri is milk, Daine is fruit juice, Numair is wine, Jon is beer, Alanna is water, George is orange juice, Onua is hot chocolate, Coram is soda/pop, Myles is cappuccino, Kel is chocolate milk, Neal is ale, Joren is goat's milk, Cleon is Kool-Aid, and Thayet is paint.)
Alanna- Greetings! It's good to be back…I guess.
Buri- It's good to be back WITHOUT the fear of mistakes, forgetting our lines, dead people coming back, evil authors with magical rings and fiendish plans, or characters from other books messing up our play.
Joren- (disbelieving) Did all of that really happen?
Myles- You have no idea. I got eaten by rabid mutant squirrels! Lucky for me, anything that happens in one story doesn't carry over to the next.
Jon- Very lucky, otherwise I would still be forced to listen to Ricky Martin. (He shudders.) I cannot believe I ever actually thought of that fool as my hero!
Daine- (muttering) I believe it…
Jon- What was that?
Daine- Nothing!
Alanna- (glaring) We are doing this right for once. We have practiced, and rehearsed, and we are going to do this well! (She scowls at the cast members.) Do you hear me?
All- (meekly) Yes, Alanna.
Alanna- Good! We're doing the milk song first. Buri, you ready?
(Buri nods, and a spotlight shines on her. The other cast members form a half-circle behind her.)
All- (singing to Mary Had A Little Lamb)
Buri drinks a glass of milk
Glass of milk
Glass of milk
Buri drinks a glass of milk
Each and every day
(Buri pantomimes drinking)
It makes her bones big and strong
Big and strong
Big and strong
It makes her bones big and strong
And keeps osteoporosis at bay!
(Buri flexes her muscles, and the audience claps weakly as the music fades)
Alanna- (brightly) You guys did so good!
Cleon- (under his breath) Yeah, and Kel's my girlfriend…
Kel- (looking at him sharply) What?
Cleon- (looking back at her, in mock surprise) I didn't say anything!
Kel- Yes, you did. You said "Yeah, and Kel's my girlfriend."
Cleon- Oh. Well, what I said was, "Yeah, and Kel's my girl FRIEND." Meaning we're friends, and you're a girl. Sheesh.
Kel- (still skeptical) Whatever.
Onua- Would you too shut up already?!
Neal- I talk too much!
Joren- Duh.
George- What has that got to do with anything?
Neal- (shrugs) I dunno. Just felt like getting it out in the open.
Kel- Uh, Neal? We already knew that…
Thayet- I'm the like prettiest like woman in the like world!
Coram- And the dumbest…
Thayet- Like, that too!
Coram- Thank you for making my point, Yer Highness.
Thayet- You're like totally welcome, Cody!
Coram- It's Coram.
Thayet- That's like totally what I like said!
Coram- Uh huh.
Jon- (belches loudly) I'm a man!
Onua- Jon, did you drink any of the beer set out backstage for the crew?
Jon- (hiccups) Nope. I drank it all!
Onua- (backs away, having got a good whiff of his breath) That, my king, is apparent.
Numair- (squints at Jon, swaying slightly) I drank all the *hic* wine. It was simply *hic* delicious.
Neal- Wine shmine! Ale is what I dranked! It makes ya much mored drunk. (belches)
Jon- (his speech is slurred) I know! Let's have a belching contest. I'll bet my kingdom that I can burp louder than anybody.
Alanna- Jon, that is really not a good idea.
Daine- Besides, I want to get through this play!
Jon- (completely set on his idea, ignoring any objections) I am the greatest burper! I'll show you, Tiger!
Alanna- (indignant) Fine, lose your kingdom. Anyone would be a better king than you are. And its Lioness, stupid.
Jon- (belches in response)
Thayet- Am I like in the like bet like too?
Jon- 'Course you are! You're part of my property too, shweetheart.
Thayet- Like, coolio!
Jon- Okey, who wants in on the action?
Numair- Ooh, ooh, me!
George- Me me me me me me me me me me me!
Coram- Count me in. King Coram…hmm, I like the sound of that…
Neal- Can I join?
Cleon- Me too?
Jon- Yuppity yup.
Joren- (sighs) I'll join in as well, even though I'm not a barbarian.
Kel- Who says you aren't?
Joren- My friend the leprechaun who lives in my head.
Kel- Oh. That's cool! I have a pinecone that lives in my head!
Myles- I'm a big drinker, so I want in on the contest. Big, big, BIG drinker!
Daine- (timidly) Can I try?
Jon- (looks at her incredulously) But, you're just a girl!
Daine- Really? Since when? (rolls her eyes)
Alanna- Girls can burp too!
Kel- Yeah, pig! That is, Your Majesty…
Buri- Take that sexist comment back, jerk!
Onua- Let Daine join your contest!
Jon- Or what?
Alanna- Or I'll make you duel me.
Jon- (quickly) Okay, okay, she's in! I'm going first. (He burps, very weakly) Heh heh…whoops.
Numair- My turn! (His burp is longer than Jon's, but not by much) Guess my dream of being king will never be realized…(he wanders offstage, downcast)
Myles- Let me have a try…(He belches really long and loudly) Beat that!
Coram- Not a problem! (He opens his mouth to burp, and a little squeak is emitted) Poopy.
Myles- Yay for me!
(Cleon begins to step up, but George pushes him away.)
George- One side, amateur.
Alanna- (nudges Buri) Watch this. I'm finally gonna be queen!
George- (burps so long and loud that the stage shakes. Ten minutes later, he stops, and then drops to the floor.)
Myles- (laughing gleefully) Ha ha! George is disqualified, cuz he's dead! Guess you forgot about breathing, eh, old buddy?
Alanna- (discouraged) Darn. Queendom slips through my fingers once again.
Cleon- Well, since Mr. "Pro" has gone, I get to try. (He burps the alphabet, all the way to "Y". He remembers to breathe.) Muwhahaha! I'm gonna wear the crown!
Joren- Shut up, moron. You guys ain't seen nothing left.
Kel- (she starts giggling)
Joren- And just what do you find to funny, Lump?
Kel- The pinecone is tickling me!
Joren- (tears welling up in his eyes) Why must you be so hurtful?! (He runs offstage, sobbing uncontrollably.)
Jon- (pokes Neal) You're turn.
Neal- (confused) My turn for what?
Jon- To participate in the burping contest, stupid.
Neal- Oh. Nah, I don't want to anymore. (Something flies by) Oh, a butterfly! (He chases after it and falls off the edge of the stage.) Youch.
(Kel, Buri, and Onua lean over to look at him, laughing and pointing.)
Jon- (trying not to laugh) Okay Daine, you can *laugh* try now.
Daine- (looking terrified) Well, ok… (She takes a big breath:) Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrp!
(Jon, Myles, Cleon, and Coram all step back, their hair looking windblown.)
(Alanna, Buri, Onua, Kel, and even Thayet start clapping and cheering.)
Daine- Did I win?
Jon- (mutters something inaudible)
Alanna- (smirking, leans over to Jon, cupping her ear) What did you say, my king? That is, my FORMER king?
Jon- I said, *mumble mumble*.
Kel- Speak up, so we can all hear you!
Jon- (red in the face) Yes Daine, you won.
Daine- Yippee! I'm the queen of Tortall! Bow down to me and bask in my royal glory! (No one listens, thinking it's just a joke) NOW! (She points to the floor)
(Everyone grovels at her feet, muttering curses.)
(Daine dances happily around the stage.)
Daine- (singing, to any random tune) I'm the queen! I'm the queen! Hooray for me, cuz I'm queen of Tortall! Queen Daine, Queen Daine, Wildmage Daine the QUEEN!
Jon- (sprawled on the floor) Yeah, we get it already.
Daine- (stops dancing) My first act as queen is to throw our previous sovereigns in the dungeons, along with fifty gallons of purple Jello-O.
Jon- NOOOOOOO! Anything but the PURPLE Jell-O! Please, the dungeon thing is bad enough. Can't it be green Jello-O? Maybe the kind with fruit inside…?
Daine- I don't think so.
Thayet- Like, yay! We like totally get to spend the like rest of our like lives in the dank, like dark dungeons!
Alanna- (shaking her head) So much for are perfect play. One measly song, that was all we got in before the chaos started…(she wanders aimlessly offstage)
Buri- Enough of this nonsense. Daine, give Jon back his throne.
Daine- (stubbornly) No way. I like being queen!
Onua- (rolls her eyes) You've been queen for what, FIVE stinking minutes?!
Daine- So? Have YOU ever been queen?
Myles- I used to be the queen of the Copper Islands…
Cleon- Which explains their line of insanity awfully well…
Myles- (agreeing) Doesn't it, though?
Onua- Daine, if you don't reinstate Jon as king, I'm gonna shave your head.
Daine- (pouting) Oh, fine. You just keep away from my hair, Onua Scissors- hands. (reluctantly) Jon, you're the stupid king again. (leaves the stage in a huff)
Jon- Yes! Me is king! Wa hoo!
Cleon, Buri, Myles, Onua, and Coram- Oh, shut up.
Jon- It's off to the dungeons with you all!
Thayet- Like, me too?
Jon- Sure, why not?
Thayet- Yay! I like totally love the like dungeons! The rats and spiders and moss are my friends…
Jon- (runs around the stage, arms flailing) I'm such a good king! Me me me me me me me me me good king!
Buri, Cleon, Myles, Coram and Onua- Shut up.
Jon- Ok.
Buri- (looks around) Hey, the curtain is still open…but all of the audience members are asleep…
Myles- We cured everybody's insomnia! We're heroes! I think we deserve the Noble Prize…
Cleon- (smacks him upside the head) Quiet, old man.
Coram- Nobel Prize! Nobel Prize! Yay, we won the Nobel Prize…I would like to thank all of the little people…wait, what's a Noble Prize…?
Alanna- (storms back onstage, screaming) IF YOU DON'T GET OFFSTAGE THIS VERY INSTANT, YOU'RE ALL GONERS! (She looks around, seeing the stage empty) Hello…?
(Curtain closes)
A/N: Okay, this is definitely the last of the Tortallan Foods saga. I'm sorry to disappoint you all, but I think this series is getting old. Tell you what: If you guys want, you can right your own installments of the Foods stories, as long as you put the disclaimer on their giving me credit for the idea. That way, you can all contribute your ideas! Thank you all very, very much for your reviews and support. I'm going to continue writing other stories, but its just time to put this one out to pasture. Thanks again!
Disclaimer: The foods idea is mine, as is the belching contest, the milk song, and the chaos that ensues. All of the characters belong to the wonderful Tamora Pierce. I don't claim Ricky Martin, and I don't think anybody else wants to either.
And now, I bid you all ado.
1 THE END
(Really)
(I swear, it is!)
(Really! It's the end!)
(Oh, just go away.)
(But make sure you review, first.)
(Or else I'll sick Alanna on you…)
Bottom's Up!
(Enter Buri, Daine, Numair, Jon, Alanna, George, Onua, Thayet, Coram, Kel, Myles, Neal, Joren, and Cleon.)
(Each is wearing different-colored clothing, with bold words written on their fronts, identifying their drink: Buri is milk, Daine is fruit juice, Numair is wine, Jon is beer, Alanna is water, George is orange juice, Onua is hot chocolate, Coram is soda/pop, Myles is cappuccino, Kel is chocolate milk, Neal is ale, Joren is goat's milk, Cleon is Kool-Aid, and Thayet is paint.)
Alanna- Greetings! It's good to be back…I guess.
Buri- It's good to be back WITHOUT the fear of mistakes, forgetting our lines, dead people coming back, evil authors with magical rings and fiendish plans, or characters from other books messing up our play.
Joren- (disbelieving) Did all of that really happen?
Myles- You have no idea. I got eaten by rabid mutant squirrels! Lucky for me, anything that happens in one story doesn't carry over to the next.
Jon- Very lucky, otherwise I would still be forced to listen to Ricky Martin. (He shudders.) I cannot believe I ever actually thought of that fool as my hero!
Daine- (muttering) I believe it…
Jon- What was that?
Daine- Nothing!
Alanna- (glaring) We are doing this right for once. We have practiced, and rehearsed, and we are going to do this well! (She scowls at the cast members.) Do you hear me?
All- (meekly) Yes, Alanna.
Alanna- Good! We're doing the milk song first. Buri, you ready?
(Buri nods, and a spotlight shines on her. The other cast members form a half-circle behind her.)
All- (singing to Mary Had A Little Lamb)
Buri drinks a glass of milk
Glass of milk
Glass of milk
Buri drinks a glass of milk
Each and every day
(Buri pantomimes drinking)
It makes her bones big and strong
Big and strong
Big and strong
It makes her bones big and strong
And keeps osteoporosis at bay!
(Buri flexes her muscles, and the audience claps weakly as the music fades)
Alanna- (brightly) You guys did so good!
Cleon- (under his breath) Yeah, and Kel's my girlfriend…
Kel- (looking at him sharply) What?
Cleon- (looking back at her, in mock surprise) I didn't say anything!
Kel- Yes, you did. You said "Yeah, and Kel's my girlfriend."
Cleon- Oh. Well, what I said was, "Yeah, and Kel's my girl FRIEND." Meaning we're friends, and you're a girl. Sheesh.
Kel- (still skeptical) Whatever.
Onua- Would you too shut up already?!
Neal- I talk too much!
Joren- Duh.
George- What has that got to do with anything?
Neal- (shrugs) I dunno. Just felt like getting it out in the open.
Kel- Uh, Neal? We already knew that…
Thayet- I'm the like prettiest like woman in the like world!
Coram- And the dumbest…
Thayet- Like, that too!
Coram- Thank you for making my point, Yer Highness.
Thayet- You're like totally welcome, Cody!
Coram- It's Coram.
Thayet- That's like totally what I like said!
Coram- Uh huh.
Jon- (belches loudly) I'm a man!
Onua- Jon, did you drink any of the beer set out backstage for the crew?
Jon- (hiccups) Nope. I drank it all!
Onua- (backs away, having got a good whiff of his breath) That, my king, is apparent.
Numair- (squints at Jon, swaying slightly) I drank all the *hic* wine. It was simply *hic* delicious.
Neal- Wine shmine! Ale is what I dranked! It makes ya much mored drunk. (belches)
Jon- (his speech is slurred) I know! Let's have a belching contest. I'll bet my kingdom that I can burp louder than anybody.
Alanna- Jon, that is really not a good idea.
Daine- Besides, I want to get through this play!
Jon- (completely set on his idea, ignoring any objections) I am the greatest burper! I'll show you, Tiger!
Alanna- (indignant) Fine, lose your kingdom. Anyone would be a better king than you are. And its Lioness, stupid.
Jon- (belches in response)
Thayet- Am I like in the like bet like too?
Jon- 'Course you are! You're part of my property too, shweetheart.
Thayet- Like, coolio!
Jon- Okey, who wants in on the action?
Numair- Ooh, ooh, me!
George- Me me me me me me me me me me me!
Coram- Count me in. King Coram…hmm, I like the sound of that…
Neal- Can I join?
Cleon- Me too?
Jon- Yuppity yup.
Joren- (sighs) I'll join in as well, even though I'm not a barbarian.
Kel- Who says you aren't?
Joren- My friend the leprechaun who lives in my head.
Kel- Oh. That's cool! I have a pinecone that lives in my head!
Myles- I'm a big drinker, so I want in on the contest. Big, big, BIG drinker!
Daine- (timidly) Can I try?
Jon- (looks at her incredulously) But, you're just a girl!
Daine- Really? Since when? (rolls her eyes)
Alanna- Girls can burp too!
Kel- Yeah, pig! That is, Your Majesty…
Buri- Take that sexist comment back, jerk!
Onua- Let Daine join your contest!
Jon- Or what?
Alanna- Or I'll make you duel me.
Jon- (quickly) Okay, okay, she's in! I'm going first. (He burps, very weakly) Heh heh…whoops.
Numair- My turn! (His burp is longer than Jon's, but not by much) Guess my dream of being king will never be realized…(he wanders offstage, downcast)
Myles- Let me have a try…(He belches really long and loudly) Beat that!
Coram- Not a problem! (He opens his mouth to burp, and a little squeak is emitted) Poopy.
Myles- Yay for me!
(Cleon begins to step up, but George pushes him away.)
George- One side, amateur.
Alanna- (nudges Buri) Watch this. I'm finally gonna be queen!
George- (burps so long and loud that the stage shakes. Ten minutes later, he stops, and then drops to the floor.)
Myles- (laughing gleefully) Ha ha! George is disqualified, cuz he's dead! Guess you forgot about breathing, eh, old buddy?
Alanna- (discouraged) Darn. Queendom slips through my fingers once again.
Cleon- Well, since Mr. "Pro" has gone, I get to try. (He burps the alphabet, all the way to "Y". He remembers to breathe.) Muwhahaha! I'm gonna wear the crown!
Joren- Shut up, moron. You guys ain't seen nothing left.
Kel- (she starts giggling)
Joren- And just what do you find to funny, Lump?
Kel- The pinecone is tickling me!
Joren- (tears welling up in his eyes) Why must you be so hurtful?! (He runs offstage, sobbing uncontrollably.)
Jon- (pokes Neal) You're turn.
Neal- (confused) My turn for what?
Jon- To participate in the burping contest, stupid.
Neal- Oh. Nah, I don't want to anymore. (Something flies by) Oh, a butterfly! (He chases after it and falls off the edge of the stage.) Youch.
(Kel, Buri, and Onua lean over to look at him, laughing and pointing.)
Jon- (trying not to laugh) Okay Daine, you can *laugh* try now.
Daine- (looking terrified) Well, ok… (She takes a big breath:) Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrp!
(Jon, Myles, Cleon, and Coram all step back, their hair looking windblown.)
(Alanna, Buri, Onua, Kel, and even Thayet start clapping and cheering.)
Daine- Did I win?
Jon- (mutters something inaudible)
Alanna- (smirking, leans over to Jon, cupping her ear) What did you say, my king? That is, my FORMER king?
Jon- I said, *mumble mumble*.
Kel- Speak up, so we can all hear you!
Jon- (red in the face) Yes Daine, you won.
Daine- Yippee! I'm the queen of Tortall! Bow down to me and bask in my royal glory! (No one listens, thinking it's just a joke) NOW! (She points to the floor)
(Everyone grovels at her feet, muttering curses.)
(Daine dances happily around the stage.)
Daine- (singing, to any random tune) I'm the queen! I'm the queen! Hooray for me, cuz I'm queen of Tortall! Queen Daine, Queen Daine, Wildmage Daine the QUEEN!
Jon- (sprawled on the floor) Yeah, we get it already.
Daine- (stops dancing) My first act as queen is to throw our previous sovereigns in the dungeons, along with fifty gallons of purple Jello-O.
Jon- NOOOOOOO! Anything but the PURPLE Jell-O! Please, the dungeon thing is bad enough. Can't it be green Jello-O? Maybe the kind with fruit inside…?
Daine- I don't think so.
Thayet- Like, yay! We like totally get to spend the like rest of our like lives in the dank, like dark dungeons!
Alanna- (shaking her head) So much for are perfect play. One measly song, that was all we got in before the chaos started…(she wanders aimlessly offstage)
Buri- Enough of this nonsense. Daine, give Jon back his throne.
Daine- (stubbornly) No way. I like being queen!
Onua- (rolls her eyes) You've been queen for what, FIVE stinking minutes?!
Daine- So? Have YOU ever been queen?
Myles- I used to be the queen of the Copper Islands…
Cleon- Which explains their line of insanity awfully well…
Myles- (agreeing) Doesn't it, though?
Onua- Daine, if you don't reinstate Jon as king, I'm gonna shave your head.
Daine- (pouting) Oh, fine. You just keep away from my hair, Onua Scissors- hands. (reluctantly) Jon, you're the stupid king again. (leaves the stage in a huff)
Jon- Yes! Me is king! Wa hoo!
Cleon, Buri, Myles, Onua, and Coram- Oh, shut up.
Jon- It's off to the dungeons with you all!
Thayet- Like, me too?
Jon- Sure, why not?
Thayet- Yay! I like totally love the like dungeons! The rats and spiders and moss are my friends…
Jon- (runs around the stage, arms flailing) I'm such a good king! Me me me me me me me me me good king!
Buri, Cleon, Myles, Coram and Onua- Shut up.
Jon- Ok.
Buri- (looks around) Hey, the curtain is still open…but all of the audience members are asleep…
Myles- We cured everybody's insomnia! We're heroes! I think we deserve the Noble Prize…
Cleon- (smacks him upside the head) Quiet, old man.
Coram- Nobel Prize! Nobel Prize! Yay, we won the Nobel Prize…I would like to thank all of the little people…wait, what's a Noble Prize…?
Alanna- (storms back onstage, screaming) IF YOU DON'T GET OFFSTAGE THIS VERY INSTANT, YOU'RE ALL GONERS! (She looks around, seeing the stage empty) Hello…?
(Curtain closes)
A/N: Okay, this is definitely the last of the Tortallan Foods saga. I'm sorry to disappoint you all, but I think this series is getting old. Tell you what: If you guys want, you can right your own installments of the Foods stories, as long as you put the disclaimer on their giving me credit for the idea. That way, you can all contribute your ideas! Thank you all very, very much for your reviews and support. I'm going to continue writing other stories, but its just time to put this one out to pasture. Thanks again!
Disclaimer: The foods idea is mine, as is the belching contest, the milk song, and the chaos that ensues. All of the characters belong to the wonderful Tamora Pierce. I don't claim Ricky Martin, and I don't think anybody else wants to either.
And now, I bid you all ado.
1 THE END
(Really)
(I swear, it is!)
(Really! It's the end!)
(Oh, just go away.)
(But make sure you review, first.)
(Or else I'll sick Alanna on you…)