The One With The Baby Blues
Chapter four
Continued from: 'TOW The New Years Kiss'
By: Jana~
*****~*****
--Months went by, and never once was that night mentioned. Chandler and Monica thought it best to keep what had happened that New Years Eve between them, not even confiding in Joey or Rachel that they had made love three times, then talked till the early morning hours before Monica finally dressed and left.
--Things had been awkward between them at first, but things eventually got back to normal between the two friends… especially in the light of the budding relationship between Ross and Rachel.
--Their New Years Eve kiss had sparked something in Rachel… and Ross had already been harboring feelings for her for years. They went out on to the balcony to talk, and Ross finally gathered the courage to tell her about his secret feelings when she admitted that the kiss stirred something in her.
When Monica had sneaked in to her apartment super early that New Years day, she found Ross' jacket still there, him nowhere to be found, and Rachel in the kitchen toasting pop-tarts and pouring orange juice…
--"Hey! Where have you been?" Rachel asked as she pushed the button down on the toaster, the pop-up pastries disappearing as she did…
"I was over at Chandler's." Monica replied truthfully…
"What were you doing over there all this time?"
Monica squirmed uncomfortably… "Talking… mostly…" She gestured to her brother's coat… "Ross still here?"
Rachel smiled… "Yeah. He's in my room."
Monica raised an eyebrow at that statement… "What?"
"Oh, Monica, it's been the most incredible night!" Rachel gushed… "Ross told me tonight, that he's in love with me!"
"What?!"
"You didn't know?" Rachel thought that maybe, since they were related, that she might…
"No I didn't know! Oh my God!"
"I know!" Rachel giggled like a school girl, then grabbed the pop-tarts out of the toaster when they popped up… "We've been getting better… acquainted…" she raised her eyebrows suggestively as she gestured towards her bedroom…
--Monica didn't feel right talking about what had happened between her and Chandler. It would put a damper on Rachel's good mood, so, she forced feelings of sadness and jealousy down deep and congratulated her friend before retreating to her room to cry herself into a restless sleep.
--And the months straggled on… and Ross and Rachel became closer and closer… and Chandler and Monica slowly became the friends they once were. And all was fine… until…
*****
--Ross was frantic, and Rachel was trying to get him to calm down as all their friends gathered around, offering words of encouragement…
"It's her first baby…" Phoebe offered… "They always take a while. She'll be here."
"She'll be here." Monica repeated…
"My ex-wife is having my baby and I have no idea where she is!" Ross exclaimed, still near hysteria… "What if she gives birth in the cab and I miss everything?"
Rachel physically stopped him from moving and wrapped her arms around him… "Calm down. Everything is gonna be fine, alright? Breathe."
Ross nodded… "Breathe."
They all repeated the word soothingly, seeing that it'd had a calming affect on him when Rachel had done it…
--When Carol was wheeled into the main lobby, Ross instantly geared back up again…
"You're here! Where were you?! Why didn't you come right away?! Did you have him yet?! Where is he?!"
Carol looked at Rachel and Rachel smiled apologetically…
"Ross, honey, let's let Carol get situated in her room so the DR can examine her while we go sit in these little plastic chairs and breathe. Remember? Breathe…" She drug out the word 'breathe' in an attempt to calm him again, and he reluctantly followed her to the waiting chairs as she repeated the word over and over…
Monica smiled at Rachel as their eyes caught, then pointed at the cafeteria and mouthed the words 'coffee'. Rachel nodded her approval.
"Come on." Monica told Chandler…
"Where we going?"
"To go get coffee."
Chandler chortled… "Make Ross' a decaf."
--As Chandler helped Monica pour the coffee, he couldn't help but notice that she seemed down…
"Hey, you ok?"
She shrugged… "Yeah."
"You don't seem ok. You act like something's wrong."
She silently shook her head.
Chandler put his hand on her shoulder and she froze… "Talk to me Mon, I'm your friend."
"I know you are. I just-- I'm not so sure it's such a good idea to talk to you about this."
"You can talk to me about anything." He took the tray of coffees out of her hands, placing it on a nearby table, then he gestured for her to sit down.
Reluctantly, she did, and he joined her, taking her hand in his…
"What's wrong?"
"I'm just-- I see them together--"
"Ross and Rachel?" he asked to confirm…
Monica nodded… "Yeah. And I'm so happy for them. I really am. But…"
"But…?"
"But, I also feel jealous. I want what they have. I want to be in a relationship. I want a family and a baby. And that's like, right there for them…" she sighed as she continued to study the formica tabletop… "And I'm not even close."
"One day, it'll happen for you." Chandler assured her…
"How can you be so sure?"
"Tell you what. If for some strange reason it doesn't happen for you by the time we're 40… we'll get married and have a kid."
She looked up at him, her expression hard to read… "I don't want your pity Chandler…" she scowled… "Besides, I thought you didn't want to be with me…"
He sighed… "No, I said I couldn't be with you. There's a difference."
"A very little difference."
"I don't want to fight with you, Mon. I just-- I hoped to help you feel better…" He stood to leave, but she reached out and grabbed his hand, stopping him…
"Thanks."
He smiled… "You're welcome."
*****
--She only called to update her on her grandchild, but Monica's mom wouldn't leave it be. She had to question and pester and ridicule… harping on Monica to find a man, settle down, get married, and give her a grandchild in wedlock.
"Mom, would you stop?! I'm only 26! I'm not even thinking about babies right now!"
Just then a mom with her brand new baby rolled by in a wheelchair and Monica found her voice gone as she started to cry…
Chandler, seeing her distress, grabbed the phone and made a sound similar to static, hoping to fool her mom into thinking the connection had been lost, then hung up the phone. He wrapped an arm around Monica and led her towards the cafeteria again…
--"She makes it worse…" Monica squeaked out, and Chandler nodded…
"I know."
"I'm sorry for dumping on you all the time…"
"We're there for each other. I don't mind. I just wish I could fix your hurt."
"Maybe you can…"
"Anything I can do, I will. You know that." He replied sincerely…
"Come over tonight." She sensed he was about to say 'no', so she rushed on… "I know the speech already, Chandler, I just-- I really need… something."
"You're killing me, Mon, you know that… right? I don't know how much longer I can say 'no' to you…"
"Don't say 'no'. No strings. No relationship. Just me and you and physical intimacy." She reached over and stroked his thigh, inciting a low moan from him… "Please. I need you."
"We shouldn't. I should say 'no'. I should stop this from going any further… before I lose all common sense…"
"I'm not looking for a commitment. I know you're not prepared for that. But, I trust you. You're good and kind and safe and sweet. I just really need this right now, Chandler." She leaned in as she continued to caress his leg, then licked his lips… "Please say 'yes'."
He closed his eyes, a look that was almost pained crossing his face… and he nodded.
"We'll wait till Carol has the baby. Or, if it gets real late, we'll duck out. No one will mind. Rachel told me she's going straight to Ross' after this… we'll have the place to ourselves."
He nodded again… "Alright. But only cause I don't want you going out and finding some one-night-stand to 'scratch the itch'."
She smiled, inching further up his leg till her finger brushed his groin… "Thanks Chandler."
Abruptly, she took her hand away, and his eyes flew open to find her standing, extending her hand, smiling as he stood and grasped her petite hand in his.
He knew he should've said 'no'. He knew it would be another several months before they would reach any sense of normalcy again… but, he found he couldn't say 'no'. He wanted her too.
*God help me…* he prayed silently as they walked hand in hand back out to the waiting area… *I don't want to hurt her, but this is going to end in heartache, for one of us, isn't it?* He squeezed her hand just a little tighter before letting it go as their friends came into view…
"She's having him now!" Phoebe exclaimed… "They just told us all to get out!"
"Except for Susan and Ross…" Rachel added…
*****
--Little Ben was beautiful, and Monica hogged everyone's turn, holding him as long as possible… tears falling down her cheeks as she sniffed his sweet head…
He tried to open his eyes, but being only hours old, the action took effort for the tiny baby…
"Hi Ben. Hi!" she spoke softly, in a high-pitched 'talking-to-a-baby' tone of voice… "I'm your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I'm your Aunt Monica!" she sniffled softly, holding this newborn infant bringing out a need in her… "I will always have gum." She added, then handed him back to Ross so she could wipe her face…
"I'm gonna take Monica home now…" Chandler informed, gesturing at her, indicating that she was falling apart. Everyone nodded and agreed without giving it a second thought.
*****
--Chandler put his arm around Monica as they walked from the cab to her apartment, only letting go when she struggled to unlock the door…
She opened the door with a fling, allowing it to hit the counter on the other side, not caring at all that it set the glass 'face-vase', as Chandler called it, off balance. He reached out to steady it, then turned and closed the door…
"You alright?"
"No." she replied simply. "No I'm not. What is wrong with me?!"
"That's a loaded question." Chandler quipped, trying to lighten the mood…
"No jokes, Chandler. Seriously. What's wrong with me?"
"Nothing's wrong with you, Mon."
"Then why can't I find love? And marriage! And kids! And happiness!"
"You will."
"You love to just answer with what people want to hear, don't you?" she challenged him… "But, you don't know! You can't promise!"
He looked to the ground as he shuffled his feet… "No, you're right. I can't."
"See?! You admit it!"
He sighed… "Maybe I should go…"
She lurched for him, but stopped short of actually touching him… "Please don't go. I'm sorry. I'm just-- I'm just really…"
"Sad." He finished her sentence, and she nodded… "I'll stay, but, with you in this condition, I don't think we should sleep together."
"Don't take your offer back now. I need you…"
"You don't need me. You need to feel loved and desired. I'm just… convenient."
"I can't win with you!" she snapped… "If I tell you I just want no-strings sex, then you accuse me of feeling nothing for you. If I tell you how I really feel about you, you won't have sex with me cause it'll 'complicate things'!"
"How do you really feel about me?" he asked, regretting having done so the second the last word left his mouth…
"I'm in love with you, Chandler."
He closed his eyes for a moment, then moved to sit on the couch…
"Nothing's changed… since New Years. I still can't be the person you need and deserve. I can't be in a relationship with you. I can't."
"I'm not asking you to be. I'm just asking you to make love to me. Tomorrow, it'll have never happened. But tonight… please…" she sat next to him on the couch… "Just-- Just tonight."
"The more we do this, the harder it becomes."
"I know. You're like a drug. I need a Chandler-patch."
He laughed, then placed his hand on her cheek… "Just tonight. And, God, please be sure. I don't want to hurt you."
"I'm sure. I'm going into this with total understanding that this doesn't go beyond tonight."
He nodded, then leaned in and kissed her. It started with a touch of apprehension, but that quickly dissolved, and before they knew it, they were stripping each other frantically and heading for her room.
They made love till exhaustion, then snuggled together in bed till dawn…
--His movements as he climbed out of bed woke her from her sound sleep, and she yawned as she sat partially upright…
"Leaving already?"
He nodded… "Joey will wonder where I've been."
"What will you tell him."
"That I spent the night with you cause you were sad."
She nodded… "Ok." She hesitated… "Chandler? Thanks for last night."
He continued to get dressed, avoiding eye contact… "You're welcome."
"Are you mad at me now? Cause I seduced you?"
He shook his head… "I'm mad at myself for having no willpower."
"I'll never ask for this again…" she told him somberly… "I know how you struggle with your conscience over this."
He stopped what he was doing, his gaze remaining on the floor till he slowly moved to sit next to Monica on her side of the bed…
"Last night was incredible. Absolutely incredible. This has nothing to do with you and your… desirability. It's me. It's all me and my weird hang-ups and shit, ok? Remember that."
"I know. I will."
He grabbed his socks and shoes, then kissed her quick… "I'll see'ya in a few hours…"
"Ok."
--And he walked out the door. He fought the overwhelming urge to go back in to her… to hold her and make love to her again and stay in her arms all day long. He knew he couldn't, although the reasons why seemed to be losing their substantiality.
--He entered his apartment and moved quickly to shower… the smell of her on him causing his dissolve to weaken further…
"That's the last time…" he whispered to himself as he turned the shower on… "The last time. If she asks again, you say 'no'. You have to say 'no'." He stepped into the stream of warm water and sighed… "It's getting too dangerous…" he added to his previous thoughts, then washed away the physical traces of his last night with Monica.
TO BE CONTINUED…