"Love And Disloyalty"
CHAPTER ONE
It was a day since Squall had died. Twenty four hours since my life was taken away from me. Everyone basically had kept to themselves since I flipped out (respectively) in the Ragnarok. I guess it was too painful to share with each other or something, because the minute we got back to Garden, we didn't even say good-bye…just went to our rooms. I went inside and cried into my pillow. This can't be real. I thought silently. I was still in shock.
There was a soft knock on my door. "Rinoa? It's Quistis."
She let herself in and sat on my bed. Her cheeks were streaked with tears. I looked at her once, then put my head back in the pillow. I didn't want pity. Pity wouldn't bring Squall back.
"Are you gonna be all right?" She asked me. "How are you now?"
"Bad…." I answered. "Really…bad…"
Quistis walked to my radio. "Maybe some music will cheer you up a bit."
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no…
When she realized what song that was, she immediately shut the radio off. She knew…"Eyes On Me" was…our song. "Oh, sweet Hyne," she said when she saw me crying, "I'm so so sorry…"
I sat up on my bed. "No, I'm alright." I sighed. "Just…completely confused. This time yesterday morning, Squall was here. Now….." Quistis sat next to me. "It's just so…funny…how someone can be here one day and gone the next…you know what I'm saying?"
"Yes, I understand," She said to me.
"It's funny, you know? I feel like this is some huge dream…and I'm gonna wake up in a few minutes, right next to Squall. Guess this is shock…"
Quistis got up and walked towards the door. "Rin, I'm going to leave you alone, but I'll be back, OK? I have some stuff I have to take care of." I nodded, and she walked out. I could hear her talking to someone, but I didn't care. I fell back in my pillow and began to cry again.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Hey, Rinoa! Wake up, girl!"
"Huh? Wha…." I sat up groggily, only to find Irvine sitting next to me, concern painted on his face. "How'd you get in here?" I asked him.
"Your door was unlocked. I wanted to see how you were….cuz ya missed dinner…usually you always come down, even if you don't eat."
I dangled my feet over the side of my bed. "Well…I was just…exhausted…and, you know…I just miss Squall…"
"Well, that doesn't mean you don't eat. C'mon, Kiddo."
"Kiddo?"
Irvine took my hand and led me to the cafeteria. The walk there seemed like a death march. Honestly, I didn't want to be in there, but I wasn't going to complain. If I could see my friends then maybe I could take my mind off Squall a little. On the way, a lot of underclassmen and SeeDs expressed their gratitude to me. I thanked them, of course, but I hate pity, so it didn't make me feel any better.
There wasn't anyone in the cafeteria except for Zell, Selphie, Xu, Quistis, Irvine and myself. I didn't feel like eating so I just sat down. Now I know this is for real…I thought sadly. Zell isn't even touching his hot dogs…
Everyone sat in complete silence. Jokingly, Irvine found a pin and dropped it just to express the lack of noise. I couldn't take it…it was too much. I got up and walked to the door.
"Where are you goin, Rinoa?" Selphie asked me.
"I need to be alone."
I just walked around Balamb Garden until I found the Training Center. The Secret Area…I thought to myself. For some reason, there were no monsters in sight, which was a really odd change of pace. I took advantage of it and ran to the 'secret' area.
There was no one in there, which was also surprising. Usually there's always at least one couple making out or something (kind of a given, you know). So, I just leaned over the edge and looked at the Garden. It was beautiful. The wind was blowing quite hard, and my hair was whipping around my face. There were soft footsteps behind me, but I didn't take notice of them until I heard the person fall down.
"Owww!"
I spun around and saw Zell sitting there, cradling his knee. When he saw me looking at him, he looked embarrassed. "What are you doing here?" I asked him softly, sitting down next to him.
He looked at me, then looked down at his knee. "Well…I dunno…just, to see you, I guess…how are you holding up?"
"Fine." I stood up and walked towards the edge again. Zell limped over and stood next to me. "How's your knee?"
"Aiight. I can't believe I tripped over my own two feet." He laughed at himself. "Damn." Then he looked up at the Garden. "Have you an' Squall ever been here…?"
I nodded. "Yeah. But just for talking and stuff. Not…"
"Making out?" We both laughed. "Nah, I can't imagine Squall doin that."
"No, Squall was never, ever like that. He was always such a sweetheart when it came to us…" I looked down sadly. "You'd be surprised. Oh, Hyne…I miss him."
Zell put an arm around my shoulders. "Rinoa…even if he's not here now, like, physically…he's always in your mind and heart."
I took his arm away. "Thanks, Zell…for explaining that in your own, special way."
"No problem. Now, we gotta get back." Zell started to limp away.
"Hold on Zell!" I ran up to him, and took his hand so he wouldn't fall. "There you go."
So Zell and I walked back to the cafeteria to meet the others. And…for the first time in a day, even though Zell was injured…I felt safe.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Where were you two?" Irvine asked us suspiciously when we got to the cafeteria.
I shook my head. "Nothing, I was just hanging out and Zell found me…we talked for a bit." I looked at Zell. "Right?"
"Yup." He sat down and rubbed his hands together. "Aiight…so I know how tough this is on everyone. I thought that everyone might like a day away from all this craziness. So…I would like to invite everyone to my house in Balamb to spend the night. Whaddya say?"
Quistis shook her head. "Sorry, Zell, but Xu and I have a ton of paperwork to do for Cid." She got up and left the cafeteria. Xu smiled and followed her.
"We could!" Selphie said, smiling. It could help us take our mind offa things…maybe."
"I'm with Sephie." Irvine said. "Whatabout you, Kiddo?"
"Um…I'm Kiddo, right? I guess I could use it…"
Zell smiled! "Well, it's set! Meet me at the Parking Lot!" Then he ran off.
I got up. "Better get ready. This'll be a nice change of scenery, I guess."
Selphie and Irvine followed me. "You know…Rinoa," Selphie began, "Zell looked like he really wanted you to come."
I blushed. "I wouldn't think anything of it, Selphie. I don't care about…Zell…like liking me, you know? I'm still trying to get used to the fact that the only man I ever loved..."
She looked down. "I know…he was like my brother…I miss him so much."
"And even if that were true, how much would happen?" I asked. Selphie smiled and shrugged.
We walked the rest of the way in silence. Zell…me? Selphie comes up with the most absurd ideas, doesn't she? I thought. I'm not saying it can't happen, but there's a next to nothing chance that I would get together with him. Especially since….Squall is dead…Hyne, I miss him…
When we came to the dormitory we went our separate ways. I walked
into my room….it was so empty. I tried not to think about it and I went to my dresser to get my overnight bag and some clothes. Just as I opened the drawer, I looked at a picture sitting on the top. It was Squall and I…one of the few times he was smiling and having a good time. A tear rolled down my cheek as I picked it up and kissed his picture. Then, I put it down and took out my baby blue nightgown, my hairbrush, toothbrush, and an extra change of clothes. I got all finished up just as Selphie knocked on my door.
"C'mon Rinoa!" She yelled through my door. "We gotta go!"
I picked up my bag and opened it. Selphie was waiting impatiently. When she saw me she smiled, and we walked down the hall.
"Are we going to wait for Irvine?" I asked her.
Selphie shook her head. "He's with Zell…it's gonna be nice to get out for a little, right?"
"Yeah…too many memories here."
"Uh-huh….I know what you mean……hey Rinoa, do you think I'm being a little….well, insensitive?"
"Why would you think of such a thing?"
"Cause….I mean, when Squall died…I was sad. I cried…for the whole day and night. But now, I'm…myself. I feel guilty that I'm not crying…"
I put my hand on her shoulder. "Don't feel guilty. I mean, you can only cry so much. I guess as long as you keep him in your heart…Selph, he doesn't want anyone crying for him."
When we got to the parking lot, Zell and Irvine were waiting in the car. The Garden gave us a really nice one for a change. Selphie and I piled our stuff in, got in, and we started to roll. The minute we got outside, though, it was pouring rain. The skies were still blue, but the clouds were gray. I assumed they were sunshowers and waited till we got to Balamb.
All the people in Balamb got word of Squall's death, too. In fact, it was widespread in this region. He was well respected…he saved us. Now, so many people went into mourning over him…especially Zell's mother.
"OH! Rinoa!" Mrs. Dincht said when she saw me. She ran up to me and gave me a big hug. "I'm so sorry about your loss, dear. Squall was always close to our family…like my son. You can stay here whenever you like…Zell and I will take care of you. Right, Zell?"
"Maaaa!" Zell blushed. I giggled at him. He kind of shrugged it off and pointed upstairs. "Well, my room is pretty big. We can all stay in there, if ya don't mind…"
"I don't."
"All right with me."
"OK…whatever."
"All right!" Zell said. "Follow me."
Zell's room wasn't as sacred as he said it was. There was a bed in the corner under a window, a bookcase, a desk, punching bag, and the occasional magazine on the floor. Selphie, for some reason, started to crack up.
"THIS is what you were hiding from us??" She giggled hysterically.
Zell ignored her. "You can put your stuff down if you want. Don't have to worry about beds and stuff…my mom has some of those air mattresses and lotsa blankets and pillows. Wanna help me get em Irvine?"
"Alright." Irvine followed Zell downstairs.
I looked around Zell's room for a little, and then I sat at his desk. There wasn't anything wonderful in there…a broken pencil, a journal, some triple triad cards. I picked up the journal and saw some poems in it. "Hey, look," I said to Selphie.
She peered over my shoulder at them. "Read one!" she said.
"All right." I found one called 'Angel.' "Ooo, here…
My sweet angel, though we're worlds apart,
You'll always remain, here in my heart….." I read the rest in my mind. "Not bad for Zell."
When Zell and Irvine walked in, they saw us reading the poems. Zell turned bright red. "HEYYYY!" He yelled and took them from us. "This is one of the many things that makes this room sacred."
"Really?" Selphie asked.
As they started some friendly arguing, I tried to sneak out of the room. Irvine stopped me. "Where ya goin?" He asked me.
"Downstairs…" I lied to him. Really, I was gonna leave and just walk. I still needed to think about Squall. My mind was swirling.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I found myself walking around Balamb. The rain seemed to be pouring even harder around here,
And the sky was much more overcast, but it didn't stop me. When I did stop, I was near a bench facing the sea, so that's where I sat. Oh Squall…I love you. I wish I told you…but now, you're gone. Are you out there now? Can you hear and see me fall apart without you?? Oh…I feel so…guilty. If you didn't send me away then I could've died with you. I wouldn't have to feel this sadness…it hurts too much.
"This is what I'll do, Squall." I said to no one. "I'll be with you, forever." I walked towards the end of the street. All that was below me was rough waves that could and would kill me. They would sweep me up and pull me under. Great. "Just one little jump and I can end it." I whispered. "Then I won't have to worry about all of this…" The wind picked up and I glanced over the edge…
"Rinoa!! The hell are you doing?!"
I whirled around. Zell…again… was standing there. He was just as soaked as I was…his normally spiked hair was flat. There was fear etched on his face…he must have been watching for a while. He ran towards me and grabbed my shoulders.
"What's wrong with you?" He asked me. "What's wrong?"
I started to cry, although at first I couldn't tell because the rainwater was washing my tears away. "Leave me alone, Zell! This is what I have to do! I have to be with Squall!!"
Zell grabbed my shoulders. "Rinoa! This isn't the answer!" He yelled at me. "I need….I mean, people need you…it's bad enough Squall is gone, but I don't wanna hafta add another person to the death list!" He grabbed me and sat me on the bench, then sat next to me. "It's a crazy thing…what you were about to do…is that what you really wanted?"
"I-I…I dunno what I want anymore."
He brushed some wet black hair off my face. "Really, I don't think that's what you wanted." Zell looked at me. "You're shivering, Rinoa. We should leave. My 'do's gettin messed up, too…" He offered his hand to me. "There ya go."
"Zell…" I began softly. He looked at me. "Thank you, again, for keeping an eye on me all this time….I owe you. You saved my life." I made him blush a really deep red.
"Awwww…..it was nuttin, Rinoa. Don't think anything of it." He put his arm around my shoulder, and that's how we walked home. …just as friends.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When Zell and I walked in, he immediately slid his arm from around my shoulders. Everyone was glued to the TV. "What's up?" He asked his mother.
"Look," Mrs. Dincht said, and pointed to the TV.
"Yesterday at 6:38 PM, Commander Squall Leonhart of Balamb Garden SeeD was presumed dead. He fought bravely with his friends and comrades, Zell Dincht, Balamb Garden SeeD member, Irvine Kinneas of Galbadia Garden SeeD, Instructor Quistis Trepe of Balamb Garden, Selphie Tilmitt, Balamb Garden SeeD member, and his girlfriend, Ms. Rinoa Heartilly, leader of the Forest Owls. Unfortunately, the body was not found so nothing can be determined of his death yet. Squall was and still is a brave young man who will stay in our hearts, minds, and spirits forever. Our regards go to his friends and family…"
I looked around and saw everyone's eyes fall to the floor…they showed a few pictures of Squall and us and then they went to the next story. I felt myself start to shake. I had to get up and go upstairs. "Excuse me," I choked and ran upstairs into Zell's room. Just seeing Squall's face made me sink…I collapsed on Zell's bed and stuffed my face in his pillow. Squall…come back to me…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I awoke to the warmth of the sun on my back and the smell of aftershave on Zell's pillow. Everyone else was downstairs, so that's where I went. As I got up, I realized I fell asleep in my wet clothes. They were dry now, so I didn't care.
"G'mornin Rinoa!" Irvine said to me. "Ya slept a little late."
"Guess I did…" I looked around. "Everyone's so happy…"
"Yeah! Ya wanna know why?" Selphie asked, but she didn't give me time to answer. "I had a dream…kinda like those Laguna dreams, but Squall was in it."
"Really?" I asked, a smile on my face.
"Yup," Selphie said. "He told me to tell all of ya that you have to go on with your lives and not to cry for him. He said to be strong. He also said he'll be seein us soon."
I was smiling. "Sounds like Squall…but that last part, it doesn't quite make sense." I sat and tried to make sense of what Selphie said before I realized we were one person short. "Hey, where's Zell?"
"Zell? I asked him if he could go and catch me a fish." Mrs. Dincht laughed to herself. "Dinner, you know…but I don't know if he's the best fisherman. Try and look for him, Rinoa."
"All right," I said and got up. "I will."
I walked through Balamb to the place where I was yesterday. Selphie was right, I thought. Being strong makes you feel a little better.
Zell was down by the docks, fumbling with his fishing rod. I giggled at his mistakes, then I went to go help him.
"Zell!" I yelled to him. He smiled and I ran over to help him. "You're doing this all wrong," I said, smiling.
He looked on, amazed that something that looked so difficult could be fixed so easily. "You must fish a lot…guess ya can tell I don't."
"Zone taught me a long time ago," I said, then handed the rod back to him. "It's really easy. I'm surprised…you lived here your whole life, and you never went fishing?" I cast it out for him, then sat on the bench.
"No, I've went before…but I just never had the patience…thanks!" Then he sat next to me. "So…were you all right?"
"Uh-huh." We sat in silence for a while, until I saw a tug on Zell's pole. "Zell! Look! Your pole!"
"Huh?" The tugs got stronger and stronger. Zell didn't know what to do. "This is gonna be big!! Um…once I reel it in!!"
I had to help him, so I grabbed the pole, and we both reeled it in. It was a really, really big fish. Zell was ecstatic.
"YEAHHH!!" He yelled. I looked at him curiously. "Oh…this is the first fish I ever caught here."
"Really?" I asked him, kneeling down and putting the fish in the bucket.
"Yeah. I only went fishing once before, and I was always busy in Garden, so….you know…" He kneeled down and helped me with the fish. "And I couldn't have done it without…you." He flashed me a quick, kinda flirty smile.
"Oh, thanks…you know, I try…" It was my turn to blush. I tried to hide my face, but he put his hand on my cheek and turned my face towards him.
"Ah-ha!" He smiled, and I blushed even deeper.
"Stop, Zell!" I batted his hand away from me and looked out at the ocean. Suddenly, though, Zell tried to take my cheek again. He didn't succeed, and I turned around and pushed him, laughing.
"Fine, fine…" He shook his head. My attention was directed back to the fish in the bucket, but right before I grabbed the fish, Zell took my hand and pulled me down towards him. I put my other hand on his shoulder to push away, but before I could really react…we kissed. It was one of those things that happen in a fleeting moment and you don't think. The kiss was soft, full, beautiful…and lasted maybe two seconds before I realized what I was doing.
I suddenly felt nervous for some reason…but I couldn't come up with a really good excuse, so I gave Zell the first one that came to my head. "Ummmm…..I should take this fish home, before it gets all…weird." And I ran away from him, clonking that big bucket around against my knees.
I ran all the way to Zell's house. When I ran in, out of breath with the big bucket in tow, I thought no one saw me…but Irvine was sitting in the kitchen when I came in. He looked me over, and a smirk came upon his face.
"Well, well," He said, walking up to me. "Where's Zell? And why were you running, with a bucket no less?" He took me by the shoulders and led me to a chair, then he sat down himself. "Now, don't spare me anything," he said, imitating Selphie or Quistis.
"Irvine, why are you just assuming that something happened?"
"Rin…" He shook his head. "One: You went to find Zell, and he's not here with you."
"Um…yeah? So? He wasn't ready yet."
"Two: You were running with a bucket and a fish, and I might add, the bucket was filled with water. So…that fish would have still been alive if you walked."
"…ok…"
"And do I need a three?"
I sighed and sat down. "No, I guess not…"
Irvine looked me in the eye. "What happened?"
"Um…" I looked down at the fish in the bucket. It was laying there lazily. "Irvine, if I tell you, you're swearing that you won't tell a soul. OK?"
"Sure, Kiddo."
"Don't call me Kiddo. Hyne, I'm older than you." So…after taking a deep breath, I told him the entire story.
He laughed. "Rinoa, don't get so worried about it." He sighed. "This is so rough for everyone, especially for you. You're just confused. It's understandable."
"But Irvine, this is Zell…I don't want him to take anything different than it is. All it was…was a mistake." I held my head in my hands. "And what about Squall? Hyne…"
"Look, Rinoa…relax. You made a mistake…and we all do. Just…do what you feel is right in your heart. Things will come together."
I sighed shakily and decided to take Irvine's advice. He was right…but while it was a blessing, it was also a curse in disguise.