A/N: Okay, okay, I just couldn't resist. I had to right another
installment of the Foods saga. Sheesh, this series has taken on a life of
it's own! Oh well. Now, I expect lots and lots of supportive and praising
reviews, and I might just be tempted to right more! Rejoice!
Pass the Pie, Please!
(Enter Alanna, Kel, Coram, Buri, Onua, Jon, George, Numair, Myles, Neal, Daine, Joren, Cleon, and Thayet.)
(Each character is wearing different colored jumpsuits, with bold words on their chests, identifying their pie: Alanna- pink, cherry pie. George- orange, pumpkin pie. Daine- olive green and brown, mince meat pie. Cleon- brown and white, French silk pie. Jon- bright red, apple pie. Coram- red and green, rhubarb pie. Neal- white, coconut cream pie. Buri- brown, chocolate pie. Numair- tan, chicken pot pie. Myles- deep brown, pecan pie. Joren- neon green, key lime pie. Kel- light yellow, banana cream pie. Onua- neon yellow, lemon meringue pie. And finally, wearing black, is Thayet. She claims that "poodle" is a pie.)
Buri- (moaning) I can't believe we're out here AGAIN! I mean, how many stinking food plays can we possibly do?! This is the SEVENTH! (slaps her hand to her forehead.) Somebody just kill me now.
Daine- (looking at Thayet) Please tell me you haven't actually EATEN poodle pie…
Thayet- Like, I totally LOVE poodle ice like cream!
Daine- I said "pie"…
Thayet- Like, totally!
Daine- Nincompoop.
Thayet- Poop! (she runs around stage yelling "poop" at the top of her lungs) Three cheers like for poop! Hip, like hip, hooray! Like hip, hip, hoo-
Jon- (interrupting) Okay dear, that's quite enough.
Thayet- Poop like on youp!
Alanna- Shut up, Thayet. You're giving me a headache.
Thayet- Like, super cool!
All- Shut up already, Thayet!
Thayet- Desolée, mais je ne parle pas l'anglais… ((-A/N: This means "Sorry, but I don't speak English" in French. I tried writing in it Spanish first, then it occurred to me- I don't SPEAK Spanish…I'm taking French! Talk about a total Thayet moment…-))
Myles- (sighs) Fermez la bouche, reine! ((Translation- "Shut your mouth, queen!"))
Thayet- Je mange les boucles d'oreilles et les livres! ((Translation- "I eat earrings and books!"))
Coram- Anybody understand what they're saying?
Numair- Nope.
Kel- Nada.
Onua- Sorry. I'm barely able to even speak Japanese.
Cleon- I'm too dumb…
Neal- Non, je regrette. ((Translation- "No, I'm sorry."))
George- I drink paint on a regular basis! (his eyes roll back in his head and his face goes slack.)
Joren- (looking in a little hand mirror) I'm sure that I'm the most beautiful soon-to-be-knight in all of Tortall…Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who's the fairest in the land?
Mirror- (in a squeaky little voice) You are, dearest Joren!
Joren- You are so right…(stares into the mirror longingly) Is it wrong to fall in love with yourself?
Coram- Very wrong.
Mirror- Kiss me!
Joren- My lovely reflection, pucker up! (He starts making out with the mirror)
Kel- Ewww….
Alanna- That's twisted.
Numair- I always knew there was something horribly wrong with that boy, but I hadn't suspected that! (Grimaces)
Jon- Narcissus fat boy.
Joren- (looks up from the mirror, tears in his eyes) I am so NOT fat! You, you, you
meanie king! May all of your descendants look like trolls!
Jon- (tears welling up in his own eyes) I thought I decreed that nobody could mention the way my children look?! (runs offstage, sobbing)
(Joren runs offstage as well, in the other direction, crying like a little baby, and he drops his mirror, causing more tears.)
Onua- And then there were twelve…
Daine- (looking at her sharply) What was that?
Onua- I said, "And then there were twelve", meaning two of our number left. Why?
Daine- (brow furrowed in confusion) I don't know. It's just that that phrase sounds familiar…
George- (he looks "normal" now) I want a Big Mac!
Buri- A what…?
George- A Mac that is exceptionally big! Duh.
Buri- (rolling her eyes) Oh yeah, that really explains a lot.
George- Fab-u-lous!
Daine- I like to put French fries in my ears!
Alanna- (gasps) No way! I thought I was the only person who did that!
Neal- I do it too. It's really fun! Your ears get clean, and the fry is seasoned with tasty earwax afterwards! Earwax, nature's ketchup.
Cleon- Are you kidding?! Forget the fries, I just go straight for the earwax! (digs his finger in his ear and sucks on it.) Mmm…earwax…
Onua- (upset) Why wasn't I picked to be the mighty apple pie? Once more I'm looked over for the privilege of applie-ness…
Numair- PLEASE tell me you're not starting that nonsense again…
Onua- (whining) I just wanna be the glorious apple! (she runs offstage) Jon, Jon! Come here! I want your apple pie costume…
Buri- And then there were eleven…
Daine- Stop that.
Buri- Stop what?
Daine- Stop saying that creepy phrase.
Myles- Je n'aime pay toi, Thayet. (He points at her) Morte! ((Translation- "I don't like you, Thayet. DIE!"))
Thayet- Je n'aime pas les réfrigérateurs. ((Translation- "I don't like refrigerators.")) (After she finishes saying this, she drops dead.)
Myles- (still pointing) Whoa, cool. I have the killing power!
(Everybody backs away.)
Alanna- Don't you point that finger at me.
Buri- And then there were…
Daine- Don't say it…
Buri- …ten.
Daine- Ack! You said it! (She screams)
Myles- Stop screaming! (He points at Daine, and she collapses, dead)
Buri- And then there were nine.
Daine- (comes back from the dead) Stop that! (She whacks Buri in the head, and she dies too.)
Numair- And then there were eight.
Coram- Okay, that is really getting on my nerves.
Neal- Bubbles terrify me!
Cleon- Why?!
Neal- Cuz they're so round, and soapy, and they float…
Kel- Yeah, that does make a little bit of sense…if you're a numskull.
Neal- Then we're in agreement! I'm a bubble-fearing numskull!
(Suddenly, a gigantic bubble floats onstage and engulfs Kel and Neal.)
Bubble- (smacks it's lips) Yummalicious.
Numair- (horrified) Neal didn't specify that he was afraid of GIANT bubbles that eat people…
Cleon- So, maybe Neal's fear was understandable. Big deal. That bubble ated my Kelly! I cannot live without my dewdrop! (He runs and throws himself inside the bubble.)
George- And then their were five.
Coram- Is anyone else getting a little a-feared for their lives?
Alanna- Why should I be afraid? I've got the Great Mother Goddess looking after me. Nothing can kill me until she says so. (She smiles smugly) And She likes me too much.
(The Mother appears onstage, with a big bang.)
Goddess- (smiling cruelly at Alanna, her eyes cold) I think that you've served your purpose in life, Alanna. Perhaps I should send you to the Realms of the Dead…
Alanna- (on her knees) No! Please, Great Mother, don't condemn me to the Black God's realms! I promise I'll be good!
Goddess- Nope, sorry. I've already made my decision. Off you go now!
(There is a crack of thunder and a bolt of lighting, and Alanna disappears.)
Goddess- Anyone else?
(George, Coram, Numair and Myles shake their head furiously.)
Numair- No, Great Mother, we're all pretty happy being alive.
(The others all nod in agreement.)
Goddess- (shrugs) Well, all righty then. I've got to get back to the Divine Realms; there was a nasty rumor about Broad Foot going crazy and forcing all of the Stormwings to act like chickens. How a little duck mole could do that, I cannot fathom…(She fades out of sight)
Myles- And then there were four.
Coram- Okay, now I'm begging you: Please stop saying that!
George- Why? I think it's funny.
Coram- Well, it's giving me the creeps.
Numair- You give me the creeps on a daily basis.
George- Which reminds me! (He reaches into his pocket) I forgot to drink today's serving of paint! (He pulls out a can of paint) Mmm…yellow paint is my favorite.
Myles- You know, that stuff can give you brain damage.
George- (his face taking on a vacant look) Wha' did ya say, Mr. Walrus?
Myles- Never mind. You've already proved my point. (He holds up a healthy- looking blob.) This is your brain. (Holds up a diseased, multi-colored blob.) This is your brain on paint. (He hurls them at George.)
George- (the blobs hit him and splatter all over) Hey, yous gotsded shtuff on me garmentses. Whatcha do that fer?
Myles- I don't like the color orange.
George- Oh. Well, I s'pose dat's okey-dokey.
(Joren runs back onstage. He whispers in Myles' ear. They start giggling like little school girls.)
George- And then there were five again.
Coram- What's so funny?
Myles- (snickering) Joren says that Jon is sitting on his "porcelain throne".
(All but Numair burst out laughing.)
Numair- (confused) I don't get it…
Joren- The "great" Numair Salmalín doesn't understand the joke? Oh, NOT sorry! (He runs back offstage.)
Numair- (whimpers) So? I don't have to be smart all the time! Waaaaah! (He runs after Joren) Somebody tell me what a porcelain throne is!
Myles- And then there were three.
George- (squinting) Are you sure? I thinks there's a only dis many. (He holds up eight fingers.) Sixty-two fifty-fivers.
Coram- Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever.
Myles- Hey George? Do you think I could have some of your paint…?
Coram- I thought you said it causes brain damage?!
Myles- The only way I'm gonna get through the rest of this play is if I'm doped up on paint.
George- I don't wanna shared. Da paint ish mine!
Coram- Wait a second…what's keeping us here? I mean, Alanna's dead, so there's no one threatening our lives to make us do the play. We could just leave.
Myles- Yeah, that's good and all, but I really want some paint!
George- I live in a fish tank! Fear the fishy-ness!
Coram- (rolling his eyes) Oh believe me, I do. (takes on a look of mock- horror) See me fearing the "fishy-ness"?
George- I like to wear strollers!
Myles- Guess what word I'm thinking of! I'll give you a hint- it isn't "towel".
George- It's "apple of doom", isn't it?
Coram- Was it "towel"?
Myles- (looks at Coram, absolutely terrified) C-can you read my mind?
Coram- (wiggling his fingers and talking in a spooky voice) Yes, I'm psychic! Boogedy boogedy boo!
Myles- Get out of my head! (He falls off the edge of the stage and dies)
George- I like to wear wedding dresses! (He starts twitching, and then he dies.)
Coram- Geez! This play was so morbid! Everybody died…oh well. I like fitting in…(He drops dead.)
Ominous voice- And then there were none…
A/N: Hmm. That WAS a little morbid, wasn't it? Daine just had to go and say that "And then there were twelve," opening up a can of worms. Nice going! Oh well. Um, it's really not a good idea to drink paint, so don't do it! Yeah…
Disclaimer: I own the pandemonium and the craziness. I forget the author who wrote "And Then There Were Ten". Wait, is there even a book with that title? Ugh, I need to go to sleep…anyhoo, Tamora Pierce owns all of the characters. McDonald's owns the Big Macs. Yah.
Pass the Pie, Please!
(Enter Alanna, Kel, Coram, Buri, Onua, Jon, George, Numair, Myles, Neal, Daine, Joren, Cleon, and Thayet.)
(Each character is wearing different colored jumpsuits, with bold words on their chests, identifying their pie: Alanna- pink, cherry pie. George- orange, pumpkin pie. Daine- olive green and brown, mince meat pie. Cleon- brown and white, French silk pie. Jon- bright red, apple pie. Coram- red and green, rhubarb pie. Neal- white, coconut cream pie. Buri- brown, chocolate pie. Numair- tan, chicken pot pie. Myles- deep brown, pecan pie. Joren- neon green, key lime pie. Kel- light yellow, banana cream pie. Onua- neon yellow, lemon meringue pie. And finally, wearing black, is Thayet. She claims that "poodle" is a pie.)
Buri- (moaning) I can't believe we're out here AGAIN! I mean, how many stinking food plays can we possibly do?! This is the SEVENTH! (slaps her hand to her forehead.) Somebody just kill me now.
Daine- (looking at Thayet) Please tell me you haven't actually EATEN poodle pie…
Thayet- Like, I totally LOVE poodle ice like cream!
Daine- I said "pie"…
Thayet- Like, totally!
Daine- Nincompoop.
Thayet- Poop! (she runs around stage yelling "poop" at the top of her lungs) Three cheers like for poop! Hip, like hip, hooray! Like hip, hip, hoo-
Jon- (interrupting) Okay dear, that's quite enough.
Thayet- Poop like on youp!
Alanna- Shut up, Thayet. You're giving me a headache.
Thayet- Like, super cool!
All- Shut up already, Thayet!
Thayet- Desolée, mais je ne parle pas l'anglais… ((-A/N: This means "Sorry, but I don't speak English" in French. I tried writing in it Spanish first, then it occurred to me- I don't SPEAK Spanish…I'm taking French! Talk about a total Thayet moment…-))
Myles- (sighs) Fermez la bouche, reine! ((Translation- "Shut your mouth, queen!"))
Thayet- Je mange les boucles d'oreilles et les livres! ((Translation- "I eat earrings and books!"))
Coram- Anybody understand what they're saying?
Numair- Nope.
Kel- Nada.
Onua- Sorry. I'm barely able to even speak Japanese.
Cleon- I'm too dumb…
Neal- Non, je regrette. ((Translation- "No, I'm sorry."))
George- I drink paint on a regular basis! (his eyes roll back in his head and his face goes slack.)
Joren- (looking in a little hand mirror) I'm sure that I'm the most beautiful soon-to-be-knight in all of Tortall…Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who's the fairest in the land?
Mirror- (in a squeaky little voice) You are, dearest Joren!
Joren- You are so right…(stares into the mirror longingly) Is it wrong to fall in love with yourself?
Coram- Very wrong.
Mirror- Kiss me!
Joren- My lovely reflection, pucker up! (He starts making out with the mirror)
Kel- Ewww….
Alanna- That's twisted.
Numair- I always knew there was something horribly wrong with that boy, but I hadn't suspected that! (Grimaces)
Jon- Narcissus fat boy.
Joren- (looks up from the mirror, tears in his eyes) I am so NOT fat! You, you, you
meanie king! May all of your descendants look like trolls!
Jon- (tears welling up in his own eyes) I thought I decreed that nobody could mention the way my children look?! (runs offstage, sobbing)
(Joren runs offstage as well, in the other direction, crying like a little baby, and he drops his mirror, causing more tears.)
Onua- And then there were twelve…
Daine- (looking at her sharply) What was that?
Onua- I said, "And then there were twelve", meaning two of our number left. Why?
Daine- (brow furrowed in confusion) I don't know. It's just that that phrase sounds familiar…
George- (he looks "normal" now) I want a Big Mac!
Buri- A what…?
George- A Mac that is exceptionally big! Duh.
Buri- (rolling her eyes) Oh yeah, that really explains a lot.
George- Fab-u-lous!
Daine- I like to put French fries in my ears!
Alanna- (gasps) No way! I thought I was the only person who did that!
Neal- I do it too. It's really fun! Your ears get clean, and the fry is seasoned with tasty earwax afterwards! Earwax, nature's ketchup.
Cleon- Are you kidding?! Forget the fries, I just go straight for the earwax! (digs his finger in his ear and sucks on it.) Mmm…earwax…
Onua- (upset) Why wasn't I picked to be the mighty apple pie? Once more I'm looked over for the privilege of applie-ness…
Numair- PLEASE tell me you're not starting that nonsense again…
Onua- (whining) I just wanna be the glorious apple! (she runs offstage) Jon, Jon! Come here! I want your apple pie costume…
Buri- And then there were eleven…
Daine- Stop that.
Buri- Stop what?
Daine- Stop saying that creepy phrase.
Myles- Je n'aime pay toi, Thayet. (He points at her) Morte! ((Translation- "I don't like you, Thayet. DIE!"))
Thayet- Je n'aime pas les réfrigérateurs. ((Translation- "I don't like refrigerators.")) (After she finishes saying this, she drops dead.)
Myles- (still pointing) Whoa, cool. I have the killing power!
(Everybody backs away.)
Alanna- Don't you point that finger at me.
Buri- And then there were…
Daine- Don't say it…
Buri- …ten.
Daine- Ack! You said it! (She screams)
Myles- Stop screaming! (He points at Daine, and she collapses, dead)
Buri- And then there were nine.
Daine- (comes back from the dead) Stop that! (She whacks Buri in the head, and she dies too.)
Numair- And then there were eight.
Coram- Okay, that is really getting on my nerves.
Neal- Bubbles terrify me!
Cleon- Why?!
Neal- Cuz they're so round, and soapy, and they float…
Kel- Yeah, that does make a little bit of sense…if you're a numskull.
Neal- Then we're in agreement! I'm a bubble-fearing numskull!
(Suddenly, a gigantic bubble floats onstage and engulfs Kel and Neal.)
Bubble- (smacks it's lips) Yummalicious.
Numair- (horrified) Neal didn't specify that he was afraid of GIANT bubbles that eat people…
Cleon- So, maybe Neal's fear was understandable. Big deal. That bubble ated my Kelly! I cannot live without my dewdrop! (He runs and throws himself inside the bubble.)
George- And then their were five.
Coram- Is anyone else getting a little a-feared for their lives?
Alanna- Why should I be afraid? I've got the Great Mother Goddess looking after me. Nothing can kill me until she says so. (She smiles smugly) And She likes me too much.
(The Mother appears onstage, with a big bang.)
Goddess- (smiling cruelly at Alanna, her eyes cold) I think that you've served your purpose in life, Alanna. Perhaps I should send you to the Realms of the Dead…
Alanna- (on her knees) No! Please, Great Mother, don't condemn me to the Black God's realms! I promise I'll be good!
Goddess- Nope, sorry. I've already made my decision. Off you go now!
(There is a crack of thunder and a bolt of lighting, and Alanna disappears.)
Goddess- Anyone else?
(George, Coram, Numair and Myles shake their head furiously.)
Numair- No, Great Mother, we're all pretty happy being alive.
(The others all nod in agreement.)
Goddess- (shrugs) Well, all righty then. I've got to get back to the Divine Realms; there was a nasty rumor about Broad Foot going crazy and forcing all of the Stormwings to act like chickens. How a little duck mole could do that, I cannot fathom…(She fades out of sight)
Myles- And then there were four.
Coram- Okay, now I'm begging you: Please stop saying that!
George- Why? I think it's funny.
Coram- Well, it's giving me the creeps.
Numair- You give me the creeps on a daily basis.
George- Which reminds me! (He reaches into his pocket) I forgot to drink today's serving of paint! (He pulls out a can of paint) Mmm…yellow paint is my favorite.
Myles- You know, that stuff can give you brain damage.
George- (his face taking on a vacant look) Wha' did ya say, Mr. Walrus?
Myles- Never mind. You've already proved my point. (He holds up a healthy- looking blob.) This is your brain. (Holds up a diseased, multi-colored blob.) This is your brain on paint. (He hurls them at George.)
George- (the blobs hit him and splatter all over) Hey, yous gotsded shtuff on me garmentses. Whatcha do that fer?
Myles- I don't like the color orange.
George- Oh. Well, I s'pose dat's okey-dokey.
(Joren runs back onstage. He whispers in Myles' ear. They start giggling like little school girls.)
George- And then there were five again.
Coram- What's so funny?
Myles- (snickering) Joren says that Jon is sitting on his "porcelain throne".
(All but Numair burst out laughing.)
Numair- (confused) I don't get it…
Joren- The "great" Numair Salmalín doesn't understand the joke? Oh, NOT sorry! (He runs back offstage.)
Numair- (whimpers) So? I don't have to be smart all the time! Waaaaah! (He runs after Joren) Somebody tell me what a porcelain throne is!
Myles- And then there were three.
George- (squinting) Are you sure? I thinks there's a only dis many. (He holds up eight fingers.) Sixty-two fifty-fivers.
Coram- Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever.
Myles- Hey George? Do you think I could have some of your paint…?
Coram- I thought you said it causes brain damage?!
Myles- The only way I'm gonna get through the rest of this play is if I'm doped up on paint.
George- I don't wanna shared. Da paint ish mine!
Coram- Wait a second…what's keeping us here? I mean, Alanna's dead, so there's no one threatening our lives to make us do the play. We could just leave.
Myles- Yeah, that's good and all, but I really want some paint!
George- I live in a fish tank! Fear the fishy-ness!
Coram- (rolling his eyes) Oh believe me, I do. (takes on a look of mock- horror) See me fearing the "fishy-ness"?
George- I like to wear strollers!
Myles- Guess what word I'm thinking of! I'll give you a hint- it isn't "towel".
George- It's "apple of doom", isn't it?
Coram- Was it "towel"?
Myles- (looks at Coram, absolutely terrified) C-can you read my mind?
Coram- (wiggling his fingers and talking in a spooky voice) Yes, I'm psychic! Boogedy boogedy boo!
Myles- Get out of my head! (He falls off the edge of the stage and dies)
George- I like to wear wedding dresses! (He starts twitching, and then he dies.)
Coram- Geez! This play was so morbid! Everybody died…oh well. I like fitting in…(He drops dead.)
Ominous voice- And then there were none…
A/N: Hmm. That WAS a little morbid, wasn't it? Daine just had to go and say that "And then there were twelve," opening up a can of worms. Nice going! Oh well. Um, it's really not a good idea to drink paint, so don't do it! Yeah…
Disclaimer: I own the pandemonium and the craziness. I forget the author who wrote "And Then There Were Ten". Wait, is there even a book with that title? Ugh, I need to go to sleep…anyhoo, Tamora Pierce owns all of the characters. McDonald's owns the Big Macs. Yah.