"Love And Disloyalty"



"Do what you feel is right in your heart..."

Irvine was absolutely right. I had to do what was right…so I did what I felt was right until I could actually think of something--I avoided Zell. I knew it wasn't right to do at the time, but I felt that I couldn't go by him or I would do something…out of line. Poor Zell…he didn't know what I was doing. Every time he went to talk to me, I made an excuse and walked away from him. If he only knew… I kept thinking to myself.

It went on like that for a week. Confronting Zell about our little kiss was just too much for me. The fact that Squall just passed and I kissed his best friend hit me so hard…and I couldn't blame anything but my own stupidity.

I needed someone to talk to about it…Irvine just wasn't the type to give advice, and Selphie would probably tell the whole world, so I went to someone else--Quistis. She would keep everything a secret, and she gave great advice.

One night, I went to her room around midnight in my pajamas and softly knocked the door. When she answered, I didn't recognize her at first. Quistis was wearing a long ivory colored nightgown, and her shiny blond hair was hanging to her lower back. "Rinoa?" She asked me in complete surprise. "What are you doing here? And at midnight, no less!" Quistis had no real choice but to let me in, so she put her light on and sat down. "Is this an emergency?"

"Um…yeah, pretty much." I sat on her couch and began my story. "Well, last week, two days after Squall…well, passed, do you remember when all of us went to Zell's house? You didn't go, but…that has nothing to do with that. Anyway…Zell and I had a little…well, experience."

"You…?" Quistis asked me, implying something that I never even did with Squall.

"Noooo…..we didn't do…..it….noo…ew….we kissed. But it wasn't a regular kiss on the cheek. It was a…kiss kiss….like the way serious couples kiss." I shook my head. "But we're not serious. I don't think I even like him….but it was sooo nice. Squall kissed me like Zell did, but it wasn't as…uh…fun." I giggled nervously. "…but he's kinda weird and….not my type, you know?"

"So let me get this straight," Quistis began, "You kissed Zell…I guess I'll say passionately….I can't think of any other word…and you liked the kiss…but you don't like him."

"Uh-huh." I put my head in my hands. "I'm ashamed of myself. I told Irvine…and he said to do what I think is right."

Quistis sat next to me and sighed. "Well…he's right. Personally…I think Zell is a little….well, too spontaneous for me…and very naïve. I don't see any harm in trying, but…it's so soon, you know?" She shook her head. "I'm not quite sure what to say."

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "Quisty? It's Zell."

"Coming!" She yelled to Zell. "Hurry! Get in my room and close the door." She whispered to me. I did as I was told. "Hey Zell…what's up?" I heard her say.

"Well…I gotta tell ya somethin…but first, why are you up so late?"

Quistis sighed. "Reading a good book...what do you want?"

"Oh…" Zell said. "Well…alright, this is what I gotta tell you. Um…last week, when I invited everyone to my house…me and Rinoa…Rinoa and I, I mean…we went fishing. We had a great time and everything, but…um…I kissed her. It was all in fun, but it was like…I don't know, really. Sparks, at least for me. Now, she's ignoring me and I feel so bad."

"Don't worry about it Zell," I heard Quistis say. "I know for a fact that Rinoa is just really confused about everything. You understand….with Squall and all this hitting her so fast…it's too much."

"So what should I do?"

"Try to talk to her, maybe. If something does happen between you two, it probably won't last forever…it's all confusion at this point."

"All right…I understand. But I have one more thing to tell you…and maybe you can help me."

Quistis paused. "OK, tell me."

"I think….I think I'm falling for Rinoa."

Quistis gasped. I gasped too…loud, but at the same time, so hers covered mine. "Really?" She said with hesitation. "That's great….but I don't know if she feels the same way about you though, Zell…..if you take it too fast I can guarantee your heart'll be broken in the end."

"It's so weird…I always did kinda have a soft spot for Rinoa…but it was never like this…I don't wanna hurt her. I dunno what to do."

"Um…" Quistis began, "Um….maybe, well…just talk to her. You might just hit it off….I don't know, to tell you the truth."

I opened the door a tiny bit. I saw Quistis, her face slightly pink and Zell, who looked much happier. He jumped up. "Thanks Quisty! I just knew I could count on you!"

"Shhh…" She hushed him. "People are sleeping. Now, go to sleep. See you tomorrow."

"OK!…good-bye." With that, he ran out.

I walked in and sat next to Quistis. "What just happened there?" I asked in disbelief.

Quistis shook her head. "Zell…is in love…with you."

I covered my face with my hands. "Oh, no…how could he? He must fall really hard. What am I gonna do?"

Quistis shrugged. "You heard me…talk to him. Who knows? Yes, I know that it may be too soon because of Squall…but, you may fall too."

"BUT…" I began. "There's this gigantic 'but' I have to get over…Squall and I never broke it off. As far as I know…as far as I feel…. he's still my serious boyfriend, and we're still in love. I feel like I'm cheating…."

"He understands." Quistis said softly. "If I know Squall…he understands."

"What am I going to do? I just can't lead him on forever…"

"I don't know…do what your heart says to do. Just know the consequences. Love is a crazy game humans play, Rinoa. Sometimes…it's not fair."

I walked to the door. "I understand, Quistis. Thank you." As I opened the door, my eyes had to adjust to the darkness of the hall, so I didn't realize who was standing there, listening to everything we just said. When I adjusted, I gasped. "Zell?!" I whispered in shock. "What…what are you doing here?"

"I knew there was someone in there 'sides Quisty." Zell pointed to Quistis' room. "She never has her bedroom door closed. And I saw you open it Rinoa."

I covered my face. "So…everything you said…wasn't true?"

He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. "No…it was true. I'm glad you heard…actually. I didn't wanna tell all of this to you later. It was hard sayin it the first time."

"Did you hear what I said the first time…before you came in?" I asked him.

"Uh-huh. I was goin to the bathroom, and I saw Quisty's light on…so I listened in. Didn't mean to, really…but…I was gonna go in there anyway after I got out of the bathroom. She gives good advice. I can't believe she thought we did….well, it though…" He laughed a little. So did I. It broke the tension.

"Yeah…" I looked at his pajamas…a tight white tank that showed his muscles and boxers. "Aren't you a little…self conscious walking around like that? Don't you have a robe?"

He blushed. "Um…usually I don't run into you at midnight, Rinoa. I didn't come dressed for the occasion." Zell sighed. "Well…it's nice now we heard what we think of each other." I began to walk away. "Are we gonna give it a shot?"

I froze. "What?"

"You heard me." He smiled shyly.

I smiled back. "…all right. I guess it wouldn't hurt. But…it's not serious." As he walked away, I remembered something. "Oh, Zell…" I began. He turned around to look at me. "You weren't going to the bathroom."

"Yes I was."

"Then you wouldn't have to leave your room. We each have a bathroom in our rooms."

He rubbed the back of his head. "Oh yeah…"

I giggled. "Were you following me?"

Zell blushed. "Um…sub-consciously." He smiled. "Sometimes I walk around at night when I can't sleep. I saw you, and I followed you….cause usually ya don't walk around at night. Well…it's getting late. We should be gettin to bed. Good-night."

He started to walk away, but I caught up with him. "Zell…" I began. I went with Irvine's advice and I kissed Zell. He tried to wrap his arms around my waist, but I grabbed his wrists. "Sweet dreams." I saw him walk down the hall to his room before I began to walk back to mine. I touched my fingers to my lips. Irvine…. I thought. I'm doing what I feel is right…but I don't think it's going to come together for me. I miss Squall's touch too much… I didn't think much of it and I went to my dorm to sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"RINOA! Wake up!"

Selphie woke me up. I looked at my clock. 10:37…I slept about an hour late. She ran in my room eventually and jumped on my bed.

"You have to get up! We're goin to Winhill."

My eyes widened. "Winhill? But…Squall's father and sister from the orphanage live there, right?"

"Uh-huh. Sir Laguna and Ellone." She threw my clothes at me. "C'mon. Don't wanna be late now, do we?" She cocked her head to the side and looked at me. "Rinoa…you look awfully tired. Usually you're perky…like ME! Tee hee!" She smiled.

I threw my clothes on. "I was up late last night…thinking." I looked in the mirror. "Yeah…I do look kinda bad. What can I do now though? Let's go."

Selphie and I ran through the busy Garden hallways. We had to be at the Ragnarok by 10:45. Selphie knocked over the occasional student, but we arrived just in time….out of breath, but prompt.

Quistis was talking to Xu when we arrived. She ran up to us. "Hey Selphie, Rinoa." She looked at me. "Sleep well after you left?" she asked, winking.

Selphie noticed her. "Heyyy….you people are leaving me out of something! I WANNA KNOW!" She jumped up and down, then started to laugh. "Tell me later, we gotta go."

As we boarded, I saw Zell and Irvine. They were talking and looking in my direction, but I tried to ignore them. "So Quistis," I began, "Why are we going to Winhill?"

"You didn't know?" She sighed. "We have to inform Laguna and Ellone of Squall's…passing…" I could see the tears running down her cheek. She looked at me and wiped some tears off my cheek. "See? You're starting not to realize it. Don't cry." Quistis smiled, but I could see the sadness. She couldn't hide the sadness.

When we boarded the Ragnarok, I went straight to my little comfy room. The trip to Winhill would possibly take an hour, so I got situated. We have to inform Laguna and Ellone of Squall's death…I hate this…I really, truly do. Poor people…they loved him more than I did, although I would give my existence for him, they would give much more.

There was knocking at my door. "Come in!" I said. It was Irvine…smiling oddly. I looked at him funny. "What's with you?" I asked sweetly.

"Zell told me about…last night." He said. I gasped. "No, don't worry…I swore to you I wouldn't tell a soul, and Zell kept me to that too." He patted my back. "Oh, did you use my advice?"

"Uh-huh. That's what got me into this. I kissed him again yesterday night. I sealed my own fate."

He got up to leave. "Well…I'm sure it'll work out in the end." He winked and left we wondering how he can be so cheerful when we had to inform someone of their son's death.

I guess I fell asleep after Irvine left. The next thing I remember was Selphie banging on my door telling me to get up. I sighed and tried to give myself strength. It wasn't going to be easy.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Winhill was a quiet little town. There was a few little kids running around playing with their little puppy, which made me smile, although there was nothing to smile about.

Zell walked up next to me. "Hey…how are ya? Didn't see you the whole trip over here."

"I was sleeping." I pointed out Laguna's house. "OK, here's his house." I told everyone. "We don't want this to be a huge thing, so Zell and Quistis come with me. Irvine, Selphie…stay out of trouble."

We walked up to the house and knocked on the door. Laguna answered the door. I wasn't used to looking up at someone, but when I saw Laguna's eyes, they were full of….fatherly love, I guess.

He looked at us. "Oh, hi…Rinoa, Quistis, and…Zell, right?" He asked. We nodded. "Great…I wasn't sure about matching the names with the faces. Come in. Wait…where's Squall?"

I looked down at the floor. "Well…Mr. Loire…" I began. "Squall…um…I'm not quite sure how to say this…but…" I looked at Quistis, but she had her hand over her eyes.

"He died?" Laguna looked as if he was shot down with a rocket. His smile deflated, and he rubbed the back of his neck with both of his hands. "That's why I hoped my only son wouldn't become a SeeD." He said softly, a single tear running down his cheek.

I felt the tears start up again. "I'm so sorry, Mr. Loire…Squall was a wonderful guy." My knees started to give, and I went for the nearest chair. "I loved him so much, and h-he was so proud…"

Laguna went over to me and kneeled in front of me. "Please, call me Laguna. And don't be sorry. It wasn't your fault."

Zell came over and kneeled next to Laguna. "Sir…um, Laguna, from the depths of all of our hearts, we feel really bad for you and your family. He affected all of us, although he kept to himself a lot."

"Yes…as one of my best students, he was…phenomenal. I don't know what to say about him that hasn't already been said." Quistis' eyes watered up and she began to cry, too.

Laguna kept his composure quite well…I was impressed. "Well….although Squall is…gone… I can't help but feel proud of my son. He was a lot braver than I was, I'll say that. We were never close...Hyne, I'll miss him." He looked at me closely. "Rinoa, you look so much like this lady I knew…Julia.."

"Julia? She was my mother," I sobbed. "She died when I was only 5."

"I loved her music. She was a wonderful person." He sat down in a chair. "Well…" he began. "You were all Squall's friends. You can stay if you'd like. Ellone should be back soon."

I shook my head. "No…we can't. I'm so sorry for the inconvenience…good-bye."

I followed Zell and Quistis and was almost out the door when Laguna stopped me. "Rinoa…by the way that you talked about Squall, I could tell you and Squall were…awfully serious. You probably knew him a lot better than I did. Here." He handed me a locket. "Keep it. I'm just so glad that he found an amazing girl like yourself."

"Thank you very much, Laguna…." I smiled at Laguna. He was a really nice man. I said my final good-byes and left to join the others. Everyone was silent when I showed up. Quistis saw the locket in my hand. "Laguna gave it to me." I opened it and grinned when I saw the picture inside. It was of Squall and his mother…he had to be about two years old. His mother was so beautiful…he looked so much like her. What amazed me though were the eyes. Big, round, beautiful blue eyes…full of innocence. I held my hand up to my mouth and laughed to myself before the tears came. "Little Squall…"

"Aww…" Selphie exclaimed softly, but she started to cry, and Irvine hugged her.

I tried to stop crying, but I couldn't. "We should get…get back to the Ragnarok," I managed to sob.

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Zell said. I could see the tears in his eyes, too.

When we got to the Ragnarok, we were all crying in spite of ourselves…even Irvine and Zell. Without Squall, we felt so….abandoned. He was the leader of our group. Now, I had a feeling everyone wanted me to take his place…but I wasn't sure that I could.

"How did it go?" Xu asked me softly.

"All right…for telling someone their son is dead." I replied. Zell came over to me, but I pretended not to notice him and I went inside the Ragnarok. I saw Quistis looking at me. She realized I left him there again…but I wasn't going back. I ran into my room and fell on my bed, crying and crying. "Squall…Squall…." I murmured, until I slipped out of consciousness.

"Rinoa? Rinoa…where are you?"
"Squall? Is that your voice?"
"Yeah! Where are you?"
"Right here!" I ran into his arms. "Oh…Squall…I can see you…touch you…I can feel your arms…I can talk to you!"

"Rinoa…I can't be with you long…."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I want you to know that I love you…and I know you're confused about….well, I won't mention it….but go with what you want, all right?"
"But…I want….you…I want this!"
"No, you don't. I saw you kiss Zell. You want him….and I'm happy for you. Right now, I can't be with you, but Zell can…" He shook his head. "I put you together…and now, I realize it was for something…go with him, Rinoa….you'll see me soon enough…"

"SQUALL!! Don't go…don't leave me….I love you."


"Huh?" I looked around. Squall wasn't next to me. I was in my little room…it was a dream…a nice dream…hearing his voice and feeling him was nice. Yet…Squall told me to go with Zell. I didn't really understand what it meant. It could have just been my mind telling me what I wanted…what were the chances of it being an actual sign? But, I decided I'd take it as something special. "Please be telling me the truth," I whispered to myself. Then, I got up and walked out of my room to the Bridge to find my friends.

Everyone was rather quiet when I walked in. I looked around at everything and sat down. Selphie was piloting, but she wasn't as perky as she usually was. Zell was half asleep in a chair a few seats down from me. I looked at Quistis. She was dozing off too…but she was also watching Zell and I. She motioned for me to go towards him…so that's what I did.

"Hey Zell…" I said softly, waking him up fully.

"Oh…hi, Rinoa." He said to me, running his hand through his hair. "What's up?"

"Um…nothing, really. Just wanted to say hi." I got up and went towards Quistis. "Oh, I can't do it." I whispered to her. "Maybe later…when we're alone."

Quistis didn't make a big deal out of it. "OK, whatever you think is best." She looked at him. "I could tell…he has definitely fallen for you." I looked skeptical. "Aww, look at him!" I did…he did look towards me a lot. But that alone wasn't proving anything.

Suddenly, Xu came in. "Everyone, listen up! We have to make a stop at Timber. I'm not exactly sure why…but we should be ready to go in the morning."

I looked at Quistis. "Here we go, Quisty!" I said, smiling.

She smiled back. "Oh, Hyne…just don't take this too fast."

I got up and looked out at Timber. "No…I won't." I saw Zell looking over at me. I smiled at him and he looked away, blushing. This will definitely be it, I thought. Zell said we're gonna give it a try…so let's go.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

That night at the room Quistis and I were sharing, she was helping me pick out a dress. I had a nice, long blue silk one that had angel wings on the back and slits up the sides…it looked similar to the sleeveless duster I always wore around. As luck would have it, there was a brand new restaurant that was opening in the heart of Timber. In case Zell didn't go, Quistis was going to go with me. She had picked out a short red dress that had a criss-cross back.

"Well, what's happening?" Quistis asked me.

"I'm going to ask Zell to go with me," I replied, looking in the mirror.

"No!" Quistis said, grabbing my shoulders and looking in my eyes. "You're going to have to play it different." This was a side to Quistis that I've never seen before. "We'll start off to the restaurant, and Zell will see us. You ask him if he wants to go, and if he says yes, I'll casually leave you two alone. How's that?"

"Ummm….whatever." I said before starting to laugh. "No, honestly, that'll be all right."

She looked at me. "OK. Let's go." I grabbed my purse, and I followed Quistis.

Before we actually left the inn, lots of people had come up to us to say how nice we looked. I was gracious, but I was also getting nervous. Maybe this wasn't the best idea…

"Quistis, let's go-" I began, but I saw Zell behind her. He was all dressed up, too. "Hey, Zell!" I said cheerfully.

Zell looked at us, going up and down. "You two look…wow. Wow." Zell and I laughed. "Where are you going?"

"The Ruby Light," I replied. "It just opened a few days ago. Would you like to come with us?"

He smiled. "Um…all right, I guess so."

Quistis winked at me. "Well, to tell you the truth, I have a lot of work to do. Even if we're not in the Garden, I have to keep busy. I have a whole stack of papers to grade." She started to leave. "You two have fun!" Then she tried to run inside, but she tripped over her heels.

Zell looked at her funny. "Quisty's acting pretty weird all of a sudden. What's up with her?"

"I…don't know." I smiled at him. "Shall we go?" He took my hand, and we walked through Timber.

"So, where is this Ruby Light?" Zell asked me.

I shrugged. "Oh, it's around. We'll find it." I knew it was by the Pub, but I wanted to walk with Zell. "Hey…why were you waiting outside, all dressed up?"

"Well…" Zell began, "I was gonna ask you to come with me to this restaurant too…but you were one step ahead of me."

I giggled. "That was sweet of you, even though I was a step ahead." He grinned and looked at me. "So…I suppose that this is our officially first shot at things, huh?"

"Yup…" He pointed over to the restaurant. "There it is! C'mon." I could tell he was anxious to get there, but he kept his cool and held my hand.

When we got inside the restaurant, I saw that it was packed. Zell and I had to wait about a half hour for a table for two. It was nice to see him acting so sweet, holding the door for me, pulling out my chair. He was even trying to speak a little better because he was in a fancy place.

"Well…" I said softly. "This is a really lovely place." I looked outside. There were raindrops on the window.

"Oh no." Zell said, smiling. "We walked here. We're gonna--going to get soaked!"

I giggled at his speaking. I thought it was really cute. He looked at me curiously after I stopped giggling, then he smiled that flirty smile I liked.

All and all, we had a good night. Zell only slipped up a few times when he spoke, but then he started to speak like a complete gentlemen. He ordered champagne, even though we were a few years too young for it, but I was surprised that they gave it to us anyway. (Usually, the restaurants don't do that…but I guess they didn't care since the place was still pretty new.)

I clinked my glass with Zell's. "To us," I said softly.

"To…us," He replied, smiling.

After the champagne, we ordered our food, which was absolutely wonderful, by the way. Then…there was just nothing else to do but talk.

"I really did enjoy this place…I don't want the night to end!"

He got up and took my hand. "It's not over yet." I looked ahead and saw a dance floor. At first, I didn't want to go, but Zell looked at me and gave me his flirty smile--again-- so I couldn't resist him.

When we got on the dance floor, Zell led me right to the middle. He wrapped his arm around my waist, and he laughed at himself. We both had to relax around each other. A nice slow song was playing, so I put both of my arms on his shoulders and Zell had both of his hands wrapped around my waist.

"This is…nice," I said softly, and I laid my head on his shoulder.

"Yeah…it is," Zell replied.

Suddenly, to my utter surprise, I heard "Eyes On Me." Zell knew just as much as I did that it was mine and Squall's song. He looked at me and seemed to be asking me if I wanted to dance with him when this song was playing…so there was some remembrance of Squall. But I looked right back up at him…and we danced. He was a lovely dancer…although he stepped on my foot once.

When "Eyes On Me" ended, Zell and I left the Ruby Light. Unfortunately, it was pouring outside, just like that crazy night in Balamb. Zell tried to hide me from the rain by holding me close to him, but I got soaked anyway.

"That's a shame, Rinoa," He told me, looking at the way I was dressed. "Cause you were so…beautiful tonight. I mean, you still are, but…"

I looked up at him and laughed. "Don't worry about me, Zell. Your hair…" I flipped a piece of hair on Zell's head that usually was sticking up back off his face. Suddenly, the rain got harder than it already was. "Run!" I yelled, and we ran in the streets of Timber, hands clasped together and yelling like two idiots. But…it was fun.

When we got to the inn, we were soaked to the bone…but laughing and fooling around. I had never done this with Squall, I thought to myself. It's a shame…Squall has such a lovely personality…but he never let go of himself. We finally got ourselves out of the rain and into the inn. I was about to go in my room when I saw a note pinned on the door:

Rinoa,

I decided to stay with Selphie and Irvine for a while. You can come over, or stay at the room. Whatever you wanna do.

Quistis

I looked right into Zell's eyes. "Would you like to stay?" I asked him.

"Well…I guess." He looked away, embarrassed.

I opened the door and saw that Quistis cleaned it all up. Zell looked around and sat on the bed, but when he realized he was wet he jumped right off. We both looked at each other and started to laugh.

"Damn…I left all my stuff on the Ragnarok." I giggled.

"Me too."

I ran into the bathroom and got some towels and spread them out on the floor. "There, so we don't' get the floor wet." I sat down.

Zell sat down, but he was a little bit far from where I was. "So…whatcha wanna do?"

I looked down at the floor. "We could…talk." I looked up at him. "Talking is good." I moved a little closer to Zell.

"It is." I saw his eyes looking straight into mine.

So, for hours, Zell and I had talked about practically everything that happened since we met each other. It felt good to just talk…but by the end of our night I was sleeping in Zell's arms on the floor. At first, I thought I was crazy for thinking I could love Zell. However…it seemed to be possible.


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