1.1.1 A/N: Okay, this episode of Foods has a dedication. And that person
is…drum roll please…ME! Yes, lil ol' me. Normally, I'm NOT this self-
absorbed (really, I'm not!), but it's my birthday, so I'm making the gang
celebrate it, my style. Oh yeah: I "fired" Joren, Myles and Coram, cuz
they just weren't crazy enough, and they're stupid. And they bugged me.
Hmph. *pouts* Never fear- I'll put them back it later…maybe. Enjoy!
2 Piece of (Birthday!) Cake
(Enter Alanna, Daine, Neal, Numair, Kel, Thayet, Jon, George, Cleon, Buri and Onua.)
(Each is dressed as a slice of cake with a candle in the middle, Daine as vanilla, Alanna as chocolate, Neal as coconut, Numair as cheesecake, Kel as white (yes, there is white cake), Jon as fudge, George as sponge, Cleon as lemon cake, Buri as a big, white, flowery wedding cake (complete with a bride and groom hat), Onua as yellow cake, and Thayet as a shoe, covered in frosting, laces untied.)
Daine- (voice shaky) We have just received word that Courtney, the evil author, might be stopping by later to torture us…
Neal- (snorts) Geez Daine, you sound like you're reporting the news! "We have just received word that a giant walrus is rampaging the streets of Corus, singing show tunes. Next up is weather. There is a chance of falling snowmen." (falls to the floor, overcome with the giggles)
Daine- (snobbishly) I'm glad that you are laughing at your jokes, because no one else is.
Thayet- Like, oh no! Is there like really gonna like be falling snow like mens?! Where like can we hide from like them?
Jon- Do you ever shut up?
Thayet- "See a penny, pick it up. Then all day long you'll have a penny!"
Jon- Wha…?
Coram- Ooh, ooh, I've got one! (clears his throat) "What if the hokey- pokey really is what it's all about?"
Numair- Whazza hokey-pokey-ness all about?
Alanna- My turn! "An apple a day keeps my foot in the door!"
George- That make less sense than the hokey-pokey thing.
Alanna- Marvelous.
Kel- I gots a jokie-poo… "What do gay horses eat?"
Cleon- Yo mama!
Kel- Close, but no cigar. The answer us… "Hay-ay!"
Disembodied voice- That was stupid, Kel.
(Everybody screams.)
Buri- Run for your lives! Courtney's back!
Onua- (runs around in a circle, flailing her arms) And she's got that evil ring to torture us with!
Numair- (stops Onua) No, she doesn't.
Onua- What cho talkin' bout?
Daine- Don't you remember? She gave the ring to those weird guys from other books, in exchange for some dirt.
Courtney- (sashays on stage, hands on her hips, hair swinging) And you know what? That stupid soil KILLED all of my tulips! That was the stupidest trade I have ever made.
Alanna- Well, duh. Dirt for a really cool ring is ALWAYS stupid.
Courtney- DO NOT SPEAK TO ME IN THAT MANNER!
Alanna- (taken aback) Why not? You can't do anything about it. What are you gonna do, throw dirt on me?!
Courtney- (eyes hardening) Oh, believe me, I CAN do something about it…(starts typing the air in front of her.)
Thayet- What's she like doing?
Courtney- (still typing) Reeking havoc. Why?
Thayet- Like, no like reason!
Neal- But…you can't…no ring… (scratches his head)
Courtney- (looks up from her invisible keyboard) Oh, that? Puh, I don't need that anymore to cause you guys misery. I found a more efficient way! With the computer, I simply type a few words, and boom! Instant pain!
Numair- (completely dumbfounded) Com-poo-ter?
Courtney- (sighs) Let me demonstrate. (Strikes one last invisible key) There!
(2 tons of dirt, mud, rocks and worms fall from the sky and land directly on Alanna.)
Courtney- (smiles, admiring her handiwork) Technology is simply divine…(strokes the invisible keyboard)
Alanna- (pokes her head through the mound and spits dirt out of her mouth) Yes, divine.
Courtney- Now, you're turn Numair…(begins typing, then stops) Wait, one more thing. (She waltzes up to Numair and gives him a big, long, passionate kiss. She sighs contentedly.) I have been wanting to do that for the longest time.
2.1 Numair- Hey, that was cool with me.
2.2 Daine- (smacks Numair upside the head) Shut your mouth!
Courtney- (rolls her eyes) Anyway…(starts typing again. She hits the right "enter" key, then turns to look at Numair.)
(10 very large, heavy computers fall on Numair.)
Courtney- (pointing) THOSE are computers. Any questions?
(The cast, those who aren't buried, anyway, shake their heads.)
Courtney- Good! Next on the agenda…It's my 16th birthday, so I want you all to sing me Happy Birthday!
Jon- Why should we?
Courtney- Cuz if you don't, I'm gonna dump stuff on YOU.
All- Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday dear Courtney-
Courtney- (interrupting) Ah ah ah! Didn't we discuss this already? You aren't on a first-name basis with me.
George- So, what do you want us to call you? That "Supreme Empress" thing?
Courtney- (thoughtful) No…something else…how about "Most High and Excellent Goddess Courtney"?
Neal- Whatever make you happy…
Most Excellent Goddess Courtney- That's right. Whatever make ME happy. Now, sing, lowly mortals!
All- Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday dear Most High and Excellent Goddess Courtney,
Happy birthday to you!
Courtney- (wiping a tear from the corner of her eye) That was lovely! Now…presents!
Buri- Doesn't cake come before presents?
Courtney- Not when it's MY birthday!
Thayet- Can it like be my like birthday?
Courtney- No.
Cleon- What exactly do you want?
Courtney- The Universe…but for now I'll just settle for your most prized possessions.
Alanna- (she's out from under the dirt) What?!
Courtney- You heard me. But first I need something. (turns to the keyboard and types. A diamond-covered tiara appears on her head. She holds up a mirror and primps.) Exquisite.
George- I gotta admit, I agree.
Numair- (having extracted himself from beneath the computer pile) Me too.
Jon- Mm-hmm.
Neal- Divine…
Cleon- Heck yeah!
Courtney- (smiling serenely) Thank you. Now, Jon, you are giving me the Dominion Jewel.
Jon- I am?
Courtney- (nods) Mm-hmm. Fork it over.
Jon- (shrugs) 'Kay. (Pulls the Jewel out of his pocket.) Happy birthday, Most High and Excellent Goddess Courtney.
Alanna- (smacks Jon up the head) You idiot! I nearly got myself KILLED getting that stupid thing for you!
Jon- (rubbing his head) So? She's got lot's-o-power. What was I supposed to do, refuse and have 17 cows dropped on me or something?
Courtney- Excellent idea, Jon! I'm saving that one for later. (types) Who's next? Alanna, how nice of you to give me the Goddess's token! I'll treasure it forever.
Alanna- No way!
Courtney- (index finger hovering over the "enter" key) I just cannot wait to try out Jon's idea…
Alanna- (reluctantly) Oh, all right…(gives Courtney the token.) There. Happy, you grubby mumble mumble?
Courtney- (putting on the token, in a sing-songie voice) I'm ignoring you, mutt! Numair, you are giving me you staff and your black robe? Why, thank you!
Numair- No way! That robe looks spiffy and cool on me. You can't have it!
Courtney- (whining) But, I want it! Come on! I look so good in black.
Numair- (folds his arms across his chest) It's mine!
Courtney- (points menacingly at the general area of the invisible computer) Don't make me use this…
Numair- Fine. (pulls off his mage's robe and hands it and the staff to Courtney.)
Courtney- (snatches them) Gimme! (she dons the robe and waves the staff around in the air.) I've got magic!
Thayet- Like, what are you gonna like take from like me?
Courtney- I dunno…what's your most prized possession?
Thayet- Most like definitely my like clothing. Like my totally cute like orange tube tops!
Courtney- Never mind. I don't want your clothes.
Thayet- Like, yay! I like totally get to like keep my like clothes! (dances merrily around the stage)
Courtney- Kel, you're giving me all of the presents that your mysterious benefactor gave you, plus all of your Yamani shtuff, your lucky cats, and Peachblossom. Neal, your flowery pink blouse is now mine.
Neal- (trying to sound innocent) What?! I don't own a flowery pink blouse…
Courtney- Yes you do. You parade around your quarters, admiring yourself in the mirror all the time. But you can't do that anymore, since I own the blouse now.
Neal- (under his breath) At least I still have my neon green Hawaiian shirt…
Courtney- Daine, from you I'm taking Numair.
Daine- What?! You can't take Numair!
Courtney- I can, and I am. C'mere, big boy.
Numair- (acts like a dog and runs over to Courtney) Hi.
Courtney- (tilts her head up and looks at Numair) I just love tall guys. (hugs him around the waist.) What a great birthday.
Onua- Does that mean you're not gonna take anything away from Buri, George, Cleon, and me?
Courtney- Why would I want any of your crud?
Buri- I dunno…
Courtney- I have everything I want. Jon's Dominion Jewel, Alanna's token from the Goddess, Neal's flowery pink blouse, pretty much all of Kel's belongings, Numair's staff and robe, and Numair himself. (Hugs Numair's arm.)
Thayet- But, you like totally forgot about my like orange like tube tops! (holds the orange monstrosity out in front of her and races towards Courtney.)
Courtney- (screams and drops all of her "presents") Get that thing away from me!
Thayet- You should like totally try it like on!
Courtney- No! You can't make me!
Thayet- But it would like totally go with your like blue like eyes!
Courtney- No! I don't want any of your crud! Just, get her away from me! (She grabs her computer and types furiously, then disappears.)
Jon- Thayet! You did it! You got rid of her!
Thayet- What are you like talking about? I just like wanted to like have her like try on my prettyfull tube like top…
George- Point is, you got rid of her!
Numair- I kinda liked her…
Daine- (punches him in the stomach) You like me! ME!
Numair- (winded) What *gasp* ever.
Onua- (grabs Thayet's tube top) Orange tube tops: evil author repellent.
Kel- (holds up Neal's blouse from the pile) I can't believe that you wear this.
Neal- Shut up! (snatches it away from her)
Alanna- I think this play is just about over.
Jon- I agree. Let's go.
Buri- I'm a wedding cake! Fear the bride and groom! Muwhahaha!
Cleon- Whatever.
(Curtain closes)
A/N: Did you like the birthday special? I hope so…I'm 16 today (April 26)! Yay!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the chaos, and Neal's flowery pink blouse. Tamora Pierce owns all of the lovely, fun-to-torture characters.
2 Piece of (Birthday!) Cake
(Enter Alanna, Daine, Neal, Numair, Kel, Thayet, Jon, George, Cleon, Buri and Onua.)
(Each is dressed as a slice of cake with a candle in the middle, Daine as vanilla, Alanna as chocolate, Neal as coconut, Numair as cheesecake, Kel as white (yes, there is white cake), Jon as fudge, George as sponge, Cleon as lemon cake, Buri as a big, white, flowery wedding cake (complete with a bride and groom hat), Onua as yellow cake, and Thayet as a shoe, covered in frosting, laces untied.)
Daine- (voice shaky) We have just received word that Courtney, the evil author, might be stopping by later to torture us…
Neal- (snorts) Geez Daine, you sound like you're reporting the news! "We have just received word that a giant walrus is rampaging the streets of Corus, singing show tunes. Next up is weather. There is a chance of falling snowmen." (falls to the floor, overcome with the giggles)
Daine- (snobbishly) I'm glad that you are laughing at your jokes, because no one else is.
Thayet- Like, oh no! Is there like really gonna like be falling snow like mens?! Where like can we hide from like them?
Jon- Do you ever shut up?
Thayet- "See a penny, pick it up. Then all day long you'll have a penny!"
Jon- Wha…?
Coram- Ooh, ooh, I've got one! (clears his throat) "What if the hokey- pokey really is what it's all about?"
Numair- Whazza hokey-pokey-ness all about?
Alanna- My turn! "An apple a day keeps my foot in the door!"
George- That make less sense than the hokey-pokey thing.
Alanna- Marvelous.
Kel- I gots a jokie-poo… "What do gay horses eat?"
Cleon- Yo mama!
Kel- Close, but no cigar. The answer us… "Hay-ay!"
Disembodied voice- That was stupid, Kel.
(Everybody screams.)
Buri- Run for your lives! Courtney's back!
Onua- (runs around in a circle, flailing her arms) And she's got that evil ring to torture us with!
Numair- (stops Onua) No, she doesn't.
Onua- What cho talkin' bout?
Daine- Don't you remember? She gave the ring to those weird guys from other books, in exchange for some dirt.
Courtney- (sashays on stage, hands on her hips, hair swinging) And you know what? That stupid soil KILLED all of my tulips! That was the stupidest trade I have ever made.
Alanna- Well, duh. Dirt for a really cool ring is ALWAYS stupid.
Courtney- DO NOT SPEAK TO ME IN THAT MANNER!
Alanna- (taken aback) Why not? You can't do anything about it. What are you gonna do, throw dirt on me?!
Courtney- (eyes hardening) Oh, believe me, I CAN do something about it…(starts typing the air in front of her.)
Thayet- What's she like doing?
Courtney- (still typing) Reeking havoc. Why?
Thayet- Like, no like reason!
Neal- But…you can't…no ring… (scratches his head)
Courtney- (looks up from her invisible keyboard) Oh, that? Puh, I don't need that anymore to cause you guys misery. I found a more efficient way! With the computer, I simply type a few words, and boom! Instant pain!
Numair- (completely dumbfounded) Com-poo-ter?
Courtney- (sighs) Let me demonstrate. (Strikes one last invisible key) There!
(2 tons of dirt, mud, rocks and worms fall from the sky and land directly on Alanna.)
Courtney- (smiles, admiring her handiwork) Technology is simply divine…(strokes the invisible keyboard)
Alanna- (pokes her head through the mound and spits dirt out of her mouth) Yes, divine.
Courtney- Now, you're turn Numair…(begins typing, then stops) Wait, one more thing. (She waltzes up to Numair and gives him a big, long, passionate kiss. She sighs contentedly.) I have been wanting to do that for the longest time.
2.1 Numair- Hey, that was cool with me.
2.2 Daine- (smacks Numair upside the head) Shut your mouth!
Courtney- (rolls her eyes) Anyway…(starts typing again. She hits the right "enter" key, then turns to look at Numair.)
(10 very large, heavy computers fall on Numair.)
Courtney- (pointing) THOSE are computers. Any questions?
(The cast, those who aren't buried, anyway, shake their heads.)
Courtney- Good! Next on the agenda…It's my 16th birthday, so I want you all to sing me Happy Birthday!
Jon- Why should we?
Courtney- Cuz if you don't, I'm gonna dump stuff on YOU.
All- Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday dear Courtney-
Courtney- (interrupting) Ah ah ah! Didn't we discuss this already? You aren't on a first-name basis with me.
George- So, what do you want us to call you? That "Supreme Empress" thing?
Courtney- (thoughtful) No…something else…how about "Most High and Excellent Goddess Courtney"?
Neal- Whatever make you happy…
Most Excellent Goddess Courtney- That's right. Whatever make ME happy. Now, sing, lowly mortals!
All- Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday dear Most High and Excellent Goddess Courtney,
Happy birthday to you!
Courtney- (wiping a tear from the corner of her eye) That was lovely! Now…presents!
Buri- Doesn't cake come before presents?
Courtney- Not when it's MY birthday!
Thayet- Can it like be my like birthday?
Courtney- No.
Cleon- What exactly do you want?
Courtney- The Universe…but for now I'll just settle for your most prized possessions.
Alanna- (she's out from under the dirt) What?!
Courtney- You heard me. But first I need something. (turns to the keyboard and types. A diamond-covered tiara appears on her head. She holds up a mirror and primps.) Exquisite.
George- I gotta admit, I agree.
Numair- (having extracted himself from beneath the computer pile) Me too.
Jon- Mm-hmm.
Neal- Divine…
Cleon- Heck yeah!
Courtney- (smiling serenely) Thank you. Now, Jon, you are giving me the Dominion Jewel.
Jon- I am?
Courtney- (nods) Mm-hmm. Fork it over.
Jon- (shrugs) 'Kay. (Pulls the Jewel out of his pocket.) Happy birthday, Most High and Excellent Goddess Courtney.
Alanna- (smacks Jon up the head) You idiot! I nearly got myself KILLED getting that stupid thing for you!
Jon- (rubbing his head) So? She's got lot's-o-power. What was I supposed to do, refuse and have 17 cows dropped on me or something?
Courtney- Excellent idea, Jon! I'm saving that one for later. (types) Who's next? Alanna, how nice of you to give me the Goddess's token! I'll treasure it forever.
Alanna- No way!
Courtney- (index finger hovering over the "enter" key) I just cannot wait to try out Jon's idea…
Alanna- (reluctantly) Oh, all right…(gives Courtney the token.) There. Happy, you grubby mumble mumble?
Courtney- (putting on the token, in a sing-songie voice) I'm ignoring you, mutt! Numair, you are giving me you staff and your black robe? Why, thank you!
Numair- No way! That robe looks spiffy and cool on me. You can't have it!
Courtney- (whining) But, I want it! Come on! I look so good in black.
Numair- (folds his arms across his chest) It's mine!
Courtney- (points menacingly at the general area of the invisible computer) Don't make me use this…
Numair- Fine. (pulls off his mage's robe and hands it and the staff to Courtney.)
Courtney- (snatches them) Gimme! (she dons the robe and waves the staff around in the air.) I've got magic!
Thayet- Like, what are you gonna like take from like me?
Courtney- I dunno…what's your most prized possession?
Thayet- Most like definitely my like clothing. Like my totally cute like orange tube tops!
Courtney- Never mind. I don't want your clothes.
Thayet- Like, yay! I like totally get to like keep my like clothes! (dances merrily around the stage)
Courtney- Kel, you're giving me all of the presents that your mysterious benefactor gave you, plus all of your Yamani shtuff, your lucky cats, and Peachblossom. Neal, your flowery pink blouse is now mine.
Neal- (trying to sound innocent) What?! I don't own a flowery pink blouse…
Courtney- Yes you do. You parade around your quarters, admiring yourself in the mirror all the time. But you can't do that anymore, since I own the blouse now.
Neal- (under his breath) At least I still have my neon green Hawaiian shirt…
Courtney- Daine, from you I'm taking Numair.
Daine- What?! You can't take Numair!
Courtney- I can, and I am. C'mere, big boy.
Numair- (acts like a dog and runs over to Courtney) Hi.
Courtney- (tilts her head up and looks at Numair) I just love tall guys. (hugs him around the waist.) What a great birthday.
Onua- Does that mean you're not gonna take anything away from Buri, George, Cleon, and me?
Courtney- Why would I want any of your crud?
Buri- I dunno…
Courtney- I have everything I want. Jon's Dominion Jewel, Alanna's token from the Goddess, Neal's flowery pink blouse, pretty much all of Kel's belongings, Numair's staff and robe, and Numair himself. (Hugs Numair's arm.)
Thayet- But, you like totally forgot about my like orange like tube tops! (holds the orange monstrosity out in front of her and races towards Courtney.)
Courtney- (screams and drops all of her "presents") Get that thing away from me!
Thayet- You should like totally try it like on!
Courtney- No! You can't make me!
Thayet- But it would like totally go with your like blue like eyes!
Courtney- No! I don't want any of your crud! Just, get her away from me! (She grabs her computer and types furiously, then disappears.)
Jon- Thayet! You did it! You got rid of her!
Thayet- What are you like talking about? I just like wanted to like have her like try on my prettyfull tube like top…
George- Point is, you got rid of her!
Numair- I kinda liked her…
Daine- (punches him in the stomach) You like me! ME!
Numair- (winded) What *gasp* ever.
Onua- (grabs Thayet's tube top) Orange tube tops: evil author repellent.
Kel- (holds up Neal's blouse from the pile) I can't believe that you wear this.
Neal- Shut up! (snatches it away from her)
Alanna- I think this play is just about over.
Jon- I agree. Let's go.
Buri- I'm a wedding cake! Fear the bride and groom! Muwhahaha!
Cleon- Whatever.
(Curtain closes)
A/N: Did you like the birthday special? I hope so…I'm 16 today (April 26)! Yay!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the chaos, and Neal's flowery pink blouse. Tamora Pierce owns all of the lovely, fun-to-torture characters.