"Love And Disloyalty"

CHAPTER THREE

"Rinoa…wake up….hello?"

"Squall…ugh….I'm tired…leave me alone…"

"Rinoa. It's Zell."

"WHA?" My eyes fluttered open and met Zell's concerned blue ones. He was pointing to the clock--it was 11:04. "Ah, overslept." I said to myself, getting off the floor. I didn't realize I was still in my wrinkled, slightly damp evening gown. "I have to change!" I said to myself again. "Darn, left my clothes--"

"Right here." Zell smiled and handed me my usual outfit and my blue sleeveless duster. "I had to get my clothes, and I got up a little earlier than you." I went to the bathroom to change. "Hurry up. We gotta be around the Ragnarok at quarter after."

I was wondering where Quistis was. She stayed with Irvine and Selphie, but she couldn't have been there the whole night. Maybe she did, though. She was acting kind of strange when I showed an interest in Zell. I wonder why… I looked at the digital clock in the bathroom. 11: 12!! I ran out of the bathroom and went to get my stuff together, but Zell had already gotten everything, so I ran all the way to the Ragnarok, which took quite a while. When I got there, Xu was waiting outside for me.

"Rinoa! Where were you?" She scolded. "Punctuality is an important part of SeeDsmanship."

"Sorry." I quickly got on the Ragnarok. SeeDsmanship? I asked myself. That's a new word for the dictionary.

I saw Quistis running towards me. She had a huge smile on her face. "Hey, Rinoa!" She greeted me. "How was your night?"

"It was fine." I said. "Did you stay with Irvine and Selphie all night?"

"Yeah." She cocked her head to the side. "I'm curious to know what you did." Suddenly, Quistis erupted into giggles. "I'm sorry, I just haven't been involved in this stuff since I was…fourteen maybe. It's still fun, you know?"

"Uh-huh." I slapped my forehead with my hand. "Oh…I'm so tired for some reason. I mean, I went to bed early, woke up late, what could be wrong? Maybe that floor…"

"You slept on the floor?"

I nodded. "Zell and I were sopping wet from the rain yesterday, and we didn't wanna get any furniture wet. So we slept on the floor." I began to walk towards the 'little rooms.' "Maybe I can sleep a little in a bed. See ya."

I walked half-asleep to my room, wondering how I possibly ran all the way to the Ragnarok. That must have made me a little exhausted, I thought. I feel like I ran half a mile.

My room was the same as it always was…warm, comfy. But as I swung the door open, something caught my eye. There was a single crimson Balamb paradise flower laying on my dresser, along with a folded piece of light blue paper. Zell… I thought, blushing at his thoughtfulness. I walked towards it and opened the piece of paper. "Angel"….this was what I was reading that day at Zell's house!

Although, my angel, we're two worlds apart,

You will always be in my heart.

The simple fact that you're in my life,

Saved me from all my pain and strife.

Rinoa, my love, when I first heard your name,

I knew that I'd never be the same.

Wow, he must have written this…a really long time ago. I could feel my heart swell at the thought of Zell writing poetry--for me, of all people. Maybe for that girl in the library he used to like, but I never thought me. I picked up the flower. It was like silk to the touch. I wanted to thank Zell, but I would do that later. For that moment, I fell on my bed, reciting the poem in my mind.

As I was dreaming, I saw visions of Squall, smiling, in my mind. At first, I thought it was because I was allowing myself to go to Zell. Then, my visions of Squall turned into swirls of different colors with his face going from a smile to a frown.. Suddenly, there was a "BOOM" in my dream that felt so real I woke up, still clinging the flower I fell asleep holding. There was cold sweat on my face, but there was nothing disturbing in my dream.

The "BOOM" was just the Ragnarok landing. I saw the Garden students outside my window. There was knocking at my door, telling me it was time to get up. I grabbed the paper and the flower and opened the door.

Selphie was waiting for me. "Heyyy Rinoa!" She said. "How are you? Heard you were out yesterday." She winked. "With Zell. That's true?"

I nodded and tried to hide what I was holding. "It was a friendly kinda thing though. Nothing serious." I half lied. Really, I didn't know at all what it was. "Forget about it. Let's go."

She shook it off and half bounced, half walked beside me. "Really it was a friendly thing? By the way Quistis described it to Irvine, it didn't sound like it." Selphie saw me blush. "Awww, don't worry Rinoa! It's a secret between all of us. I won't tell."

I decided to take her word for it as Irvine and Zell walked past. They were talking about something, so they didn't notice us. "Wonder what they were talkin about. Did you see the way they didn't notice us?" Selphie said. She looked at me. "Usually you're a lot like me, Rinoa. 'Sup with you?"

I giggled at her " 'sup." Only Zell said that. "Well…nothin's wrong. I was just thinking."

"Oh." Suddenly there was an announcement on the loudspeaker.

"GARDEN STUDENTS, PLEASE GIVE YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS PARTICULAR ANNOUNCEMENT. YOU WILL NEED TO BE EXTREMELY CAUTIOUS AND CAREFUL WHEN VISITING THE TRAINING CENTER. FOR SOME ODD REASON, STUDENTS REPORTED THAT MONSTER SIGHTINGS HAVE BEEN PARTICULARLY RARE, BUT WHEN THEY SHOWED UP, THEY WERE AMAZINGLY STRONG. THE POWER OF THE GRATS HAVE ESPECIALLY INCREASED. AGAIN, PLEASE BE CAREFUL. THIS IS JUST A GENERAL PRECAUTION, SO PLEASE BE PREPARED! THANK YOU."

I shrugged it off. "I'm gonna go to my room. I need to seriously wind down." I waved to Selphie and walked to my dorm quickly. When I got there, I sighed loudly and put my poem and flower on my desk. "Squall, if you could see me now." I said softly and sat down. There was a picture of Squall, Zell, and Irvine on my desk. Zell and Irvine were making goofy faces, and Squall was his serious self. A tear rolled down my cheek, but I wiped it away. There was a rather loud knock at my door. "Coming!" I yelled, and walked over to the door. When I opened my door, I could feel my face turn white. Of all people, standing there was my enemy and ex-boyfriend…Seifer. "What are you doing here?" I asked him coldly.

"Nothing." He let himself in, Fuujin and Raijin behind him. "Heard that puberty boy died." I glared at him with disdain. "Maybe I wanted to pay my respects."

Raijin nodded. "Seifer here felt a little sorry for ya. We all did, ya know?"

"AFFIRMATIVE." Fuujin said, referring to the "we all feel sorry" part.

I opened the door. "Well, that's awfully nice. But I don't need your sympathy. You always wanted him dead, remember?" I shook my head. "Seifer, I know the only reason you came is to make me feel bad or you want something. Which is it? Because I want you out."

Seifer walked up to me and put his arm around my shoulders. "I cannot believe my favorite ex-girlfriend is treating me this way. Anyway, I want an answer from you." He paused. "Maybe…I was thinking…we could get back together…"

"NO!" I yelled at him, taking his arm off my shoulders and running to the other side of my room. "Why would I degrade myself?"

Fuujin was standing next to me when something caught her eye--my poem and flower from Zell. "LOOK." She said, pointing to those things.

Raijin picked them up. "Well, look here. It's some lovey-dovey stuff, ya know?" He handed it to Seifer.

"Don't you dare touch that!"

Seifer tossed the flower to me and read the poem. "What is this?" He said. The he saw Zell's name at the bottom, and began to laugh in fits. "You…and….CHICKEN-WUSS?!" He tried to stop laughing. "Oh…my Hyne…hahaha! No way! You chose him over me? Or even that dumb cowboy?" Seifer had his laugh for a few minutes, then he walked up to me. "Well well," he said, regaining his composure and sitting down. "If you chose that Chicken-Wuss, then you'll have to know what a real man is like…" He tried to kiss me.

I screamed and jumped up. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" I yelled. When he tried to force himself on me again, I kicked him….where it really hurts, if you know what I mean. Seifer fell over and Fuujin and Raijin stood there momentarily. I was expecting some sort of reaction from either one of them, and I braced myself. Yet…all they did was laugh.

"Seifer's down for the count, ya know?"

"AFFIRMATIVE. SEIFER, BEAT." The two of them just walked out, leaving me alone with him.

I just stood there and shook my head. "Where in the world did that come from…?" Sighing, I looked down at Seifer. "How stupid can you possibly be?"

"Can't…rely on them for anything."

"Exactly." I laughed and went over to re-arrange some of the things that Raijin knocked over on my dresser. Unfortunately, I failed to realize that Seifer recovered quickly. As I picked up a picture frame, I suddenly felt him grasp my shoulder. "Seifer!"

He turned me around and looked me in the eyes. "You're right…I don't need them to do a one-man job." Seifer had me held up against the dresser, and I didn't know what to do. When he started to slide his hands across my back, however, I struggled with him.

"Get off me!"

"Why don't you love me anymore?" He asked angrily, trying to kiss my neck. "We used to be perfect…"

Suddenly, Seifer fell. I screamed in fear, but realized that Quistis was standing there. "Rinoa! Hyne, are you OK?" She grabbed my arms and studied my face.

"What did you do to him?"

"Don't worry about it. But he'll be out for awhile."

Irvine, Selphie, and Zell ran into the room, too. Zell's jaw dropped. "What the hell happened?"

"Zell…" I ran to him and flung myself in his arms. "Seifer…he tried to…" I couldn't say it and I buried my face in his shoulder.

"Here…let me get rid of this jerk." Irvine grabbed Seifer and dragged him out of the room.

"I can't believe that he tried to do this." I cried. "Why did he do this?"

Selphie didn't understand. "What did he do?"

"He tried to force himself onto me…he must've figured that since Squall died, I-I…"

"Oh, no…" Selphie's eyes widened. "That's horrible!"

I held my head in my hands. "I don't know where they came from," I said softly. "Seifer must figure that since I used to love him, I'll love him forever…but I don't." I started to cry in frustration, fear, and a million other things. "He's so stupid! I never felt like this with Squall around…why do I feel like this now?"

Zell sighed. "Rinoa…I wish I knew what to say, but I don't."

"You don't have to say anything, then." I sniffled. Irvine walked back into the room and over to Selphie, who told him what happened.

"Maybe you'd be better off staying with one of us." Quistis suggested. "But…who?"

Irvine shook his head. "I'm bunkin with Nida. As much as I would take you in, I can't knock him out. An' there's no couch or anything."

Selphie sighed. "I have a single room. No couch or anything. Sorry."

"Well, I have a couch." Quistis said. "But it's really uncomfortable and usually I stay up until around one in the morning to grade papers and stuff."

Everyone looked at Zell. "Well…I know I'm sharin with someone, but I'll stay here with you, Rinoa. Only if ya want though….my room buddy wanted to have someone sleep over anyway."

I shook my head. "No…I'll be fine by myself. Seifer won't bother me anymore. If he does, then Irvine, you're across the hall, so I know you can hear me if anything happens." Zell looked in my eyes. "Don't worry guys, I'll be fine by myself. I have my GFs and my weapon."

Selphie walked over and hugged me. "Well, it looked like you hurt Seifer real bad. What did you do?"

"I kicked him where it hurts." I said simply.

Irvine started to crack up. "You mean….there?" He started to laugh even harder. When everyone finally caught on, my whole room was filled with laughter.

I frowned. "I was only protecting myself. He was making advances! What else was I going to do?"

Zell stopped laughing. "Are you alright?" He asked me, sitting by my side.

"Yeah, just shook up. But like I said, I'm gonna be fine." I sighed. "Even so, I've never felt so petrified since I met Squall. I feel so…vulnerable, you know what I mean?"

Zell looked at me and drew me close to him. "Yeah, I know…but, Rinoa, I'll never let anything happen to you. You don't have to feel that way."

I rested my head on his chest. "But…I can't help it Zell. I know you're here…like Quistis, Irvine, and Selphie are here…but I'm afraid. Usually, Squall would be here and never let me out of his sight. But…that's not gonna happen anymore."

Irvine saw how Zell and I were talking and he tapped Selphie's and Quistis' shoulders. "Well, if you need us, we're gonna be in the quad, right?"

Selphie nodded. "Yup. See ya!" She bounced out the doorway with Quistis and Irvine following behind.

Zell and I stayed like that for a long time in silence. I felt safe like that, and I think he knew how I felt. He didn't try to take himself away.

"I want to stay like this forever," I said in almost a whisper, breaking the silence. "This is so…nice."

"Wish we could." Zell said. There was a long pause. "Rinoa…" he began. "I have to tell you something…"

I left Zell's touch just long enough to get the poem. "I have to say thank you. This was awfully sweet of you."

Zell grinned. "Your welcome. But…there's somethin else I wanna say…" He looked troubled. "Well…um, I just wanna say it out loud."

"What?"

He shut his eyes for a moment, then looked into mine. "I love you, Rinoa."

My stomach whirled when I heard 'love.' I looked at him and I shook my head. "Really?" I asked a little too skeptically. "Zell…I don't want to sound mean or rude, but we just started to realize how we feel about each other. There's no way…" Then, I realized my mistake.

Zell backed away from me and looked at me in disbelief. "Rinoa…I've known you for a long time. I know how I feel!"

"But, Zell…don't you realize? I was in love with Squall! It's not that easy to just fall in love again."

"Why not?" He asked, almost oblivious to the events that just passed.

I couldn't get any words out at first, but then I quickly whispered, "You've never been in love before. You wouldn't know love if it walked up to your doorstep."

Suddenly, I realized that my last statement hurt Zell more than I thought it would. "Fine, I don't know love? That's OK with me…if love was with you, that'd be something that I'd never even find out." He walked towards the door.

"Zell, wait…I'm sorry. Please!" I said, looking in his hurt blue eyes…I realized…I hurt them. "Can't we just think this over? I-is this good-bye…??"

He shook his head. "I don't know, Rinoa." Then he opened the door and left me standing there. I felt a tear trickle down my cheek and hit the carpet.

My head hung down in disappointment. "Zell…if only you knew…" I walked over to my desk and sat down, staring at the flower. It meant so much more to me now then it did before. It's true…you never know how much something means to you until it's gone. I lost Squall…I don't wanna lose Zell too. I fumbled through my desk and found a note that Squall had written me a little while ago…about three days before he died. I opened it and read it.

Rinoa,

This will definitely show how much I don't write notes. J Well, right now I'm sitting in Quistis' class. You don't take Garden courses (neither does Irvine, but isn't that irrelevant?), so you wouldn't believe how professional Quistis is. Little Quisty…one of my friends at the orphanage…my teacher! Where has everything gone since then?

Rinoa, I'm taking a test now…I shouldn't really be writing this. Zell will probably tell or something as a good best friend should. But, I don't think he knows. This is the first time I'm actually doing something like this. To tell you the truth, Irvine said I should write this note. "It's just what couples do when they're in school."…whatever. I don't think I'll be taking his advice for a little while. Wonder how many notes Selphie has from him if that's what couples do…

Are you ready for the trip we're taking in the Ragnarok at the end of the week? Xu said we're going to fly over the Great Salt Lake. You've been there, but you were in your coma, so you didn't know.

Well, Quistis is getting 'teacher' on me. I have to stop writing. Remind me to get Irvine later. J J

Love Always,

Squall

I neatly folded the note up and put it back in the desk. I remembered he was really happy that day. Squall had just gotten promoted a rank and he was excited about the Ragnarok trip. Squall…I miss you, I thought. You would know just what to do if you were me. I wish you were still alive. Then I wouldn't be in this stupid thing with Zell. I'd be with you. I sighed. "Squall?" I asked no one. "Why'd you leave me?" I got up and sat on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. In a matter of time, I drifted asleep.

Hi Rinoa.

"Hello? Who is this?"

I think you know who it is.

"No, I don't. Leave me alone."

But I can't. You're just so…special. I'm going to get you all for myself, Rinoa. Even if it means killing off that dumb blonde Chicken-Wuss.

"Zell? No! He's nothing to you."

No, no…he's more than what you think he is. I think that's why he walked out today. You don't know how much you mean to him. You broke his little heart.

"No…he's just confused."

You're mistaken. He's nothing to you, but you're everything to him. Stupid narrow minded girl…if you weren't in love with a dead guy, you would realize all this. You would realize that I'm everything thing you need. But it's too late. I guess someone else will have to die. Tsk tsk…..if only you were smarter…..

"NO! NO! NO!" I screamed and sat upright. "NO! No…nonono…."

I heard Irvine outside, banging on my door. "Rinoa! Are you alright?" Slowly, I got up and answered the door. Irvine ran in and looked around, then he walked up to me. "What happened? Are you OK?" He closed the door, then shook his head. "Is it Seifer?"

Irvine looked at me. "No, I'm all right. I just had a dream…no, it wasn't a dream. It felt…like someone was speaking to me."

"Speaking to you?"

I nodded. "Uh-huh. I'm sure it was just my mind drifting around, but…someone was speaking to me. He said…he said……"

"Yeah?"

"It said that he was gonna…kill Zell."

Irvine looked concerned. "Zell? Who was it?"

I paused. "I know…it was Seifer."

"Seifer?"

"Yeah…I know that he was always jealous of Squall and me, you know?" Irvine nodded, listening. "Now that he's…dead…I'm pretty sure that Seifer wants to give it another go. But I don't want him, and, well, you know his attitude about things…"

"You know, Rin, I'm sure it didn't mean anything…"

"Irvine, it might not have meant anything, but it did make sense." I buried my head in my knees. "He said Zell loved me more than I knew. …am I stupid? Is it possible to fall in love in such a little while?"

"You'd be surprised."

"I know. But…I think I made a huge mistake. Hyne, what am I gonna do?"

Irvine sighed. "Rinoa, just try to get some sleep, OK? We can talk about this in the morning. It's two o'clock." He brushed the hair from my face for me. "It was probably all just a stupid dream…don't worry about it."

"All right." I watched Irvine leave, then got back up on my feet and crawled into bed. It was going to be a long night.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I got almost no sleep that night. The things that Seifer seemed to 'say' to me kept me up all night. Whether it was real or just my mind acting up on me, it scared me to death. I didn't want to jeopardize Zell's well-being.

The next morning, I woke up drowsy. My bedsheets were all wrapped around me, and I was sprawled out half-off my bed. I yawned, sat up, and suddenly grinned. Irvine was in the corner of my room with a blanket, all wrapped up like a baby on the floor. Until Squall's death, I never realized how good of a friend Irvine was.

I decided to leave him there and go look for Selphie. After throwing a robe and slippers on, I walked out into the hallway and shuffled to her room, which was only three doors down. Her door was closed, and I heard voices before I went in.

"….Zell just expected too much, that's all. He has a tendency to be naïve about these things. I certainly can't blame Rinoa. Actually, I'm proud of her. She's been so good with everything that's been happening…"

"I know. Rin's really holding up. But Zell is falling apart…poor guy…"

Not wanting to hear anymore, I knocked on the door. "Hello?"

"Just a minute!" There was a pause before Selphie opened the door. "Rinoa! Hi!"

"Hi…" I let myself in. "Hey, Quistis."

"Good morning! How are you doing?"

"Fine…" I sighed. "I heard you guys just before I walked in the room."

"Really?" Selphie asked.

"Yeah…" I looked at Quistis. "Zell's falling apart?"

She nodded. "He came to me yesterday night…he looked awful. For about an hour, he just talked to me about Squall and you. I guess everyone failed to realize that Squall was the closest friend that Zell ever had…and what happened between you and him just killed him. He feels like everything was his fault."

"Oh…Quistis, I made such a big mistake." I sat down next to her and held my forehead in my hand. "I never meant for any of this…but I guess these things just happen, don't they?"

"Yeah…" Selphie smiled. "Weird, isn't it?"

"Wait--" Quistis looked me in the eye. "Do you love him?"

"Do I love him?" I repeated. "It…it doesn't seem right. It's absurd, almost. It doesn't make any sense…"

"…" Quistis didn't understand what I was saying.

"But I do."

Suddenly, Selphie grabbed my arm. "Then why are you here? Go! Find Zell and tell him!"

I laughed. "I guess I should, shouldn't I?" Quistis and Selphie both took one of my hands and led me to the door. "Thanks so much for everything, you guys."

Quistis smiled. "It's the least we could do, Rinoa."

"Go find him!"

I decided that Zell was probably in his room, so I ran down the hall--in my slippers and robe, no less, until I came to his door. There was no noise inside, so I knocked on the door. He's probably just asleep. Yet, there was no answer. I tried again, and got the same response, so I assumed that he wasn't there.

Irvine walked by me, yawning. He probably just left my room. "Oh, Zell's not there."

"Really? Where is he?"

"Um…I think he might be in the Quad--Rinoa!" Before he could say anything else, I was running. "Do you realize that you're not even dressed?"

My outfit was the last thing that was on my mind. I could hear my slippers slap the ground as I ran past students who were looking at me curiously. Xu was in the main lobby, and stopped me when she saw me. "Rinoa, what are you doing?"

"Do you know where Zell is?" I asked, breathlessly.

"He just left the Quad…maybe the Library?"

"Great--thanks!" I began to make my way to the Library, while Xu just stood there, trying to comprehend me.

The Library was dead-silent when I walked in. A few students and the librarian gave me odd glances, but it didn't make a difference. Zell wasn't in plain sight, so I walked over to a bookcase and peered in the aisle.

Zell was there, looking through a book…with that library girl.

"Zell?" I whispered, breaking the silence.

He looked up at me. "..oh, hi." Then he looked back at his book without giving me a second thought. The girl smiled and waved at me before returning her attention to Zell.

I couldn't believe my eyes. The girl looked up at me again and walked towards me, but Zell didn't even look up. "You know…we're only friends."

"…great." I laughed in disbelief while backing away. "Great." My body began to shake under my robe.

"Are you all right?" The girl put a hand on my shoulder.

"I'll be fine," I said, glancing back at Zell. Then, I made my way to the door, leaving them alone. I could feel myself shaking, almost violently. How could Zell do this to me? How could I do this to him? My mind began to swim and I closed my eyes for a second. It's not fair... When I opened them, I saw Selphie and Quistis in the distance--they were looking for me. I wrapped my arms around myself because I couldn't stop shaking. It's not fair…Squall…

And that was my last conscious thought before falling to the floor.