A sudden flash of light, almost painful….and then, the sad and strange
nothing my soul exists in, gets form, and sound, and life…There's sand
beneath my feet, and bright blue sky above my head. I close my eyes,
because they are hurt. I got used to seeing nothing, so all those details
blind me at first. I can sense the reality sucking me in, illusionary and
yet so vivid, it makes me a part of it, takes me out of the nowhere, and
turns back time. This is the power of God, now I see it…
I still stand with my eyes close, hoping and yet fearing, that when I open them I will find myself right where I used to be , in my private Hell. But unexpectedly, a blow of a hot wind, with the spectacles of dust in it, rush upon my face, move my hair, make my skin feel it's almost suffocating heat. And then I open my eyes….only to see the sandy land of Karioth. Yellow, dried by the merciless sun, thirsty for a single drop of rain. My lips are dry as well…
I was sitting at the big flat rock, right where the river should be by this time of the year. But it was a bad year, with no rain, and all the water went away. The sheeps and other animals were dying, and the people were close to that. My father, the rich man who possessed the big amount of land, and wealth, was getting into serious financial problems due to this. We've had enough water stored in the wells of our house, so the thirst didn't threaten us, but loss of sheeps, and the crop that was so poor it could barely feed our family led my father to one of his mad fits about this state of things. I just had to go away. While I walked through the city, I saw people on the verge of dying on the streets, starved almost to death, burned by the sun, their faces black and dried, as if they were made of harsh leather not of human flesh. I also noticed a group of people, that looked like travellers, also heavily tanned, and dressed in clothes that mostly resembled of rags. They didn't look much better than the townsfolk, unless they were clean. There was a strange kind of…glow, about them. Not visible, but yet I could feel it. For a second my eyes fell upon a man, with long weavy hair, too light for him to be born anywhere near this place. I couldn't get to see his face from afar, but I've had a most uncanny feeling, when I saw him talking to the unfortunates , who were sitting on the ground near house walls, attempting to find the sanctuary from the merciless rays of sun in their shadow. I didn't quite understand if he was trying to comfort them, or was about to join them – the later would be too unlike him, he was definitely not one of their kind. While making my way to the edge of the city, i I've heard the people talk, that those people were some kind of a new sect…there were too many of them these times, since each and everyone was expecting a messiah. Somehow our nation was expecting a messiah all the time, kids were raised with the constant thought of a new messiah coming. Just a new group of people trying to decieve themselves into believing, they're less ordinary than others didn't impress me much. I was way to synical for that, so I shrugged, and continued walking, leaving the smell of poverty, and dirt behind. I could feel hateful looks with my back, since I was well dressed, and didn't look hungry or thirsty at all.
They hated me for this, those people…as if I was stealing from them…
Those poor beggars and creeples, were so painfully disgusting to see, and yet I pitied them. And theremore, I as well, dispised myself secretly, wearing rich clothes, being so clean and content. Well as much as I could be…I was thirsty as well, but it was another kind of thirst. I could have drank as much water as I wanted, but the thirst never went away. I was longing for answers I didn't know the questions for. I was a grown man, already beyond thirty, still living in my father's house as it was required by our family tradition. I was to inherit the wealth after his death, but he wasn't going to face the creator at all. And so I was living, working for my father, and for my wife which was given to me by his will, and whom I didn't love at all. It felt lonely. It felt empty and dry just like this place, where once was a river, a glorious flow of sparkling water, that flew freely, softly murmuring, bringing freshness and chilling sweetness. Now there was just a tiny dirty ribbon of yellow water, that was not good enough even to water the plants, since it carried too much filth. That was the best relfection of my life. So, being carried away with self pity, I sat there, wallowing in selfcontempt. Was there any aim? Any purpose? Was I born and raised, only to stay here for the rest of my life, a mere shadow of my father? I followed all the rules, and the laws of our nation, and yet I felt like I'm living a one big lie. I would rather go with those religious freaks, which I saw in town, to have at least something that would remind me I'm alive, then stay here…But I was too rational, to materialistic and dissillusioned, to follow someone who's words can't be proved. A sad smile came over my face…It was getting too hot, and the view before my eyes, got dim, as if I saw it through a heavy haze. The very air itself, seemed to move around me.
A breath a wind…chilling, comforting…a turn of a head, a questioning glance…
I met the eyes, as I turned my head, the eyes that scanned me, investigated me, welcomed me, and scared me. They posessed a most beautiful color…bright blue…they seemd to glow from inside. Like his whole face. It was strangely pale, or else, not pale, but way too little tanned, in comparison with the others. The Man stood right behind me and looked at me. I recognized him. He was the one who spoke with the beggars. He might have followed me, all the way from the city, but I didn't notice him untill now. His beautifully lined lips formed a smile, the likes of one I've never seen before in my whole life. It felt like being kissed goodnight as a child, loved, and understood, by someone dear, wanted and needed, it felt like all the best things in the world. It felt like dying in your sleep, and facing the riches of heaven, in one magnificient soul flight. He didn't say a word, but I took the silent invitation. I knew that I would follow. I would follow him wherever he would ask me to.
It rained. Suddenly , since nothing ever pointed on any signs of forthcoming rain.
I stood and felt the raindrops fall over my body, I was soaking wet, and so was he. And I was happy. I knew that there were questions…millions questions to pose…and theremore, I was sure, he could answer.
I laughed, like a madman. Catching the drops of blessed liquid with my lips…and with each drop, I knew I'd never have enough…
I look at him smiling, willing to get to know this new friend of mine, as I observe his calm and smiling face…his eyes, reaching into the very depths of my soul…as if calling for me…but suddenly he starts to dissappear, to evaporate like a mirage, that haunts an unfortunate traveller in the middle of the desert. The rain is no more..and the ground is dry…I scream…the sun hurts my eyes..I close them…and when I open them, I am back….back…painfully, to my prison, to the cell where my restless soul dwells. Just another trick, another trap for me…..that's how we've met. Jesus and I. That's how it all started.
I still stand with my eyes close, hoping and yet fearing, that when I open them I will find myself right where I used to be , in my private Hell. But unexpectedly, a blow of a hot wind, with the spectacles of dust in it, rush upon my face, move my hair, make my skin feel it's almost suffocating heat. And then I open my eyes….only to see the sandy land of Karioth. Yellow, dried by the merciless sun, thirsty for a single drop of rain. My lips are dry as well…
I was sitting at the big flat rock, right where the river should be by this time of the year. But it was a bad year, with no rain, and all the water went away. The sheeps and other animals were dying, and the people were close to that. My father, the rich man who possessed the big amount of land, and wealth, was getting into serious financial problems due to this. We've had enough water stored in the wells of our house, so the thirst didn't threaten us, but loss of sheeps, and the crop that was so poor it could barely feed our family led my father to one of his mad fits about this state of things. I just had to go away. While I walked through the city, I saw people on the verge of dying on the streets, starved almost to death, burned by the sun, their faces black and dried, as if they were made of harsh leather not of human flesh. I also noticed a group of people, that looked like travellers, also heavily tanned, and dressed in clothes that mostly resembled of rags. They didn't look much better than the townsfolk, unless they were clean. There was a strange kind of…glow, about them. Not visible, but yet I could feel it. For a second my eyes fell upon a man, with long weavy hair, too light for him to be born anywhere near this place. I couldn't get to see his face from afar, but I've had a most uncanny feeling, when I saw him talking to the unfortunates , who were sitting on the ground near house walls, attempting to find the sanctuary from the merciless rays of sun in their shadow. I didn't quite understand if he was trying to comfort them, or was about to join them – the later would be too unlike him, he was definitely not one of their kind. While making my way to the edge of the city, i I've heard the people talk, that those people were some kind of a new sect…there were too many of them these times, since each and everyone was expecting a messiah. Somehow our nation was expecting a messiah all the time, kids were raised with the constant thought of a new messiah coming. Just a new group of people trying to decieve themselves into believing, they're less ordinary than others didn't impress me much. I was way to synical for that, so I shrugged, and continued walking, leaving the smell of poverty, and dirt behind. I could feel hateful looks with my back, since I was well dressed, and didn't look hungry or thirsty at all.
They hated me for this, those people…as if I was stealing from them…
Those poor beggars and creeples, were so painfully disgusting to see, and yet I pitied them. And theremore, I as well, dispised myself secretly, wearing rich clothes, being so clean and content. Well as much as I could be…I was thirsty as well, but it was another kind of thirst. I could have drank as much water as I wanted, but the thirst never went away. I was longing for answers I didn't know the questions for. I was a grown man, already beyond thirty, still living in my father's house as it was required by our family tradition. I was to inherit the wealth after his death, but he wasn't going to face the creator at all. And so I was living, working for my father, and for my wife which was given to me by his will, and whom I didn't love at all. It felt lonely. It felt empty and dry just like this place, where once was a river, a glorious flow of sparkling water, that flew freely, softly murmuring, bringing freshness and chilling sweetness. Now there was just a tiny dirty ribbon of yellow water, that was not good enough even to water the plants, since it carried too much filth. That was the best relfection of my life. So, being carried away with self pity, I sat there, wallowing in selfcontempt. Was there any aim? Any purpose? Was I born and raised, only to stay here for the rest of my life, a mere shadow of my father? I followed all the rules, and the laws of our nation, and yet I felt like I'm living a one big lie. I would rather go with those religious freaks, which I saw in town, to have at least something that would remind me I'm alive, then stay here…But I was too rational, to materialistic and dissillusioned, to follow someone who's words can't be proved. A sad smile came over my face…It was getting too hot, and the view before my eyes, got dim, as if I saw it through a heavy haze. The very air itself, seemed to move around me.
A breath a wind…chilling, comforting…a turn of a head, a questioning glance…
I met the eyes, as I turned my head, the eyes that scanned me, investigated me, welcomed me, and scared me. They posessed a most beautiful color…bright blue…they seemd to glow from inside. Like his whole face. It was strangely pale, or else, not pale, but way too little tanned, in comparison with the others. The Man stood right behind me and looked at me. I recognized him. He was the one who spoke with the beggars. He might have followed me, all the way from the city, but I didn't notice him untill now. His beautifully lined lips formed a smile, the likes of one I've never seen before in my whole life. It felt like being kissed goodnight as a child, loved, and understood, by someone dear, wanted and needed, it felt like all the best things in the world. It felt like dying in your sleep, and facing the riches of heaven, in one magnificient soul flight. He didn't say a word, but I took the silent invitation. I knew that I would follow. I would follow him wherever he would ask me to.
It rained. Suddenly , since nothing ever pointed on any signs of forthcoming rain.
I stood and felt the raindrops fall over my body, I was soaking wet, and so was he. And I was happy. I knew that there were questions…millions questions to pose…and theremore, I was sure, he could answer.
I laughed, like a madman. Catching the drops of blessed liquid with my lips…and with each drop, I knew I'd never have enough…
I look at him smiling, willing to get to know this new friend of mine, as I observe his calm and smiling face…his eyes, reaching into the very depths of my soul…as if calling for me…but suddenly he starts to dissappear, to evaporate like a mirage, that haunts an unfortunate traveller in the middle of the desert. The rain is no more..and the ground is dry…I scream…the sun hurts my eyes..I close them…and when I open them, I am back….back…painfully, to my prison, to the cell where my restless soul dwells. Just another trick, another trap for me…..that's how we've met. Jesus and I. That's how it all started.