Disclaimer: Everything in the Harry Potter universe belongs to J. K.
Rowling and/or to Warner Brothers, not to me in any case.
A/N: Gilbert & Sullivan's "HMS Pinafore" is a gold mine of malleable tunes. In "Pinafore," the original to this song is sung by Sir Joseph Porter, KCB. Sir Joseph has risen to be head of the British Navy despite apparently never having been near any body of water larger than a bathtub. He is, nevertheless, quite impressed with himself. Now, in Harry Potter's world, who is the most self-absorbed fraud of them all?
A Hero's Tale
Gilderoy Lockhart: When I was a youth, my destiny
Was to rid the world of evil and of villainy.
All the fortitude and bravery my exploits took
You can read about if you will buy my brand new book!
Chorus of frenzied, frantically fervent female fans:
You can read about if you will buy his brand new book!
Lockhart: My awards for heroism came in all the while,
And the Witch Weekly's prize for the Most Charming Smile!
F5 chorus: His awards for heroism came in all the while,
And the Witch Weekly's prize for the Most Charming Smile!
Lockhart: I brought vampires and a banshee down,
And a werewolf wreaking havoc in a country town.
I garnered great renown for daring deeds I did,
And I'm twenty times as famous as that Potter kid!
F5 chorus: And he's twenty times as famous as that Potter kid!
Lockhart: My reputation kept up its tremendous climb,
As Witch Weekly recognized a second time!
F5 chorus: His reputation kept up its tremendous climb,
As Witch Weekly recognized a second time!
Lockhart: In my show-biz life I wear lots of hues,
Periwinkle, fuchsia, lavender and deep chartreuse.
I even found some yellow robes in just my size,
But discovered they were clashing with my bright blue eyes!
F5 chorus: He discovered they were clashing with his bright blue eyes!
Lockhart: Those offending robes were nowhere to be found or seen
When again I posed for your Witch Weekly Magazine!
F5 chorus: Those offending robes were nowhere to be found or seen
When again he posed for our Witch Weekly Magazine!
Lockhart: Then Dumbledore, Master of Hogwarts,
Hired me to teach Defense Against Dark Arts.
I challenged Snape in front of all the school,
And I graciously allowed that klutz to win the duel!
F5 chorus: And he graciously allowed that klutz to win the duel!
Lockhart: I threw that wizard duel so graciously,
That Witch Weekly did another spread on me!
F5 chorus: He threw that wizard duel so graciously,
That Witch Weekly did another spread on he!
Lockhart: The monster that in the Secret Chamber lay
Came to steal three students from the school away.
I saved those children at a deadly risk,
And I single-handedly destroyed the basilisk!
Ron, Harry, and Ginny: WHAT?!?
F5 chorus, shooing R., H., and G. off the stage:
And he single-handedly destroyed the basilisk!
Lockhart: All my Witch Weekly accolades now total five,
And that's way more than any other man alive!
F5 chorus: All his Witch Weekly accolades now total five,
And that's way more than any other man alive!
Lockhart: Now plain folk all, whatever be your name,
If you want to acquire lots of wealth and fame,
Just remember that you needn't run the risk of harm,
If you simply learn to cast a potent mem'ry charm!
F5 chorus: If you simply learn to cast a potent mem'ry charm!
Lockhart: Then in Witch Weekly you might also take your bow,
Though you'll never be as big a star as I am now!
F5 chorus: Then in Witch Weekly you might also take your bow,
Though you'll never be as big a star as he is now!
A/N: Gilbert & Sullivan's "HMS Pinafore" is a gold mine of malleable tunes. In "Pinafore," the original to this song is sung by Sir Joseph Porter, KCB. Sir Joseph has risen to be head of the British Navy despite apparently never having been near any body of water larger than a bathtub. He is, nevertheless, quite impressed with himself. Now, in Harry Potter's world, who is the most self-absorbed fraud of them all?
A Hero's Tale
Gilderoy Lockhart: When I was a youth, my destiny
Was to rid the world of evil and of villainy.
All the fortitude and bravery my exploits took
You can read about if you will buy my brand new book!
Chorus of frenzied, frantically fervent female fans:
You can read about if you will buy his brand new book!
Lockhart: My awards for heroism came in all the while,
And the Witch Weekly's prize for the Most Charming Smile!
F5 chorus: His awards for heroism came in all the while,
And the Witch Weekly's prize for the Most Charming Smile!
Lockhart: I brought vampires and a banshee down,
And a werewolf wreaking havoc in a country town.
I garnered great renown for daring deeds I did,
And I'm twenty times as famous as that Potter kid!
F5 chorus: And he's twenty times as famous as that Potter kid!
Lockhart: My reputation kept up its tremendous climb,
As Witch Weekly recognized a second time!
F5 chorus: His reputation kept up its tremendous climb,
As Witch Weekly recognized a second time!
Lockhart: In my show-biz life I wear lots of hues,
Periwinkle, fuchsia, lavender and deep chartreuse.
I even found some yellow robes in just my size,
But discovered they were clashing with my bright blue eyes!
F5 chorus: He discovered they were clashing with his bright blue eyes!
Lockhart: Those offending robes were nowhere to be found or seen
When again I posed for your Witch Weekly Magazine!
F5 chorus: Those offending robes were nowhere to be found or seen
When again he posed for our Witch Weekly Magazine!
Lockhart: Then Dumbledore, Master of Hogwarts,
Hired me to teach Defense Against Dark Arts.
I challenged Snape in front of all the school,
And I graciously allowed that klutz to win the duel!
F5 chorus: And he graciously allowed that klutz to win the duel!
Lockhart: I threw that wizard duel so graciously,
That Witch Weekly did another spread on me!
F5 chorus: He threw that wizard duel so graciously,
That Witch Weekly did another spread on he!
Lockhart: The monster that in the Secret Chamber lay
Came to steal three students from the school away.
I saved those children at a deadly risk,
And I single-handedly destroyed the basilisk!
Ron, Harry, and Ginny: WHAT?!?
F5 chorus, shooing R., H., and G. off the stage:
And he single-handedly destroyed the basilisk!
Lockhart: All my Witch Weekly accolades now total five,
And that's way more than any other man alive!
F5 chorus: All his Witch Weekly accolades now total five,
And that's way more than any other man alive!
Lockhart: Now plain folk all, whatever be your name,
If you want to acquire lots of wealth and fame,
Just remember that you needn't run the risk of harm,
If you simply learn to cast a potent mem'ry charm!
F5 chorus: If you simply learn to cast a potent mem'ry charm!
Lockhart: Then in Witch Weekly you might also take your bow,
Though you'll never be as big a star as I am now!
F5 chorus: Then in Witch Weekly you might also take your bow,
Though you'll never be as big a star as he is now!