Chapter 4: Vivi
The Fearsome Foursome are asleep in their inn room when Zidane wakes up with a start.
Zidane: What was that?!?
He looks over at Steiner at the far end of the room.
Steiner (asleep): Why of course Mr. Kipling…I would love to try your new kitten flavored cakes…
Zidane: …!
Suddenly a fireworks display goes off nearby, startling Steiner, Dagger and Freya awake.
Freya: GADZOOKS! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! (dives under the bed)
Dagger gets out of bed and looks out the window.
Dagger: Hey! There's a traveling show going on in the town center! Let's go see what it's about!
Zidane: But it's four in the morning.
Dagger: I SAID, let's go!
Zidane: Yes dear.
Steiner: (makes a whipping noise as soon as Dagger's left the room)
Zidane: Oh shut up.
*****
At the Big Top…
Steiner: I do hope this is worthwhile. I was having a dream.
Dagger: Really? How was it?
Steiner: Exceedingly good.
They arrive at a massive stage. The lights are dimmed. Presently a woman wearing a long fur coat, wildly expensive jewelry and a fedora with an eight-foot ostrich plume in it came onto the stage.
Zidane: …MIKOTO?!?
Mikoto: Welcome ladies and gentlemen! It is my great pleasure to welcome you to…THE ULTRA HYPER MEGA CUTE BLACK MAGE SHOW!!!
Zidane/Dagger/Steiner/Freya: …THE HELL?!?
Mikoto steps of stage as the lights flare up, revealing the Sons of Vivi. They don't do much other than a cute little dance and simply sitting there looking cute.
Audience: AWWWWWWW!
Zidane/Dagger/Steiner/Freya: …
After about two hours of this Mikoto stepped back onto the stage.
Mikoto: And now it gives me great pleasure to welcome on stage the Mage who made this all possible…the one, the only…BIG DADDY V!!!
Dagger: …Please tell me I misheard her.
Steiner: You want me to lie?
At this point Vivi walks out onto the stage. He is dressed as he always is, except he is now wearing more gold jewelery than a coachful of gangsta rappers and a small monitor flashing the letter V is attached to his hat. Flabbergasted wouldn't come close to describing how the gang feel.
Vivi: YO YO YO! WHA'S GOIN' DOWN ON THE EASTSIDE BRO?!
Zidane: …This is more disturbing than Queen Bhrane strip teasing.
Dagger: Yeah, it…waaaaiiit a minute…
*****
Later, backstage…
Vivi: YOYO YO! Wha's goin' down my homies?
Freya: Be still Child of Disturbing Chatter and we shall tell thee.
Dagger: Yeah, but first you have to tell us what's going on.
Mikoto: You mean this? It all started when a few people of Conde Petite came by and saw the kids for the first time.
Vivi: Yeah, all them hoes and homies took one look and went all crazy man! We got to thinking that we could build a show around them.
Steiner: So you've set up a show whereby you pay complete strangers to gawk at your children for two hours?
Vivi/Mikoto: Yep.
Steiner: Well, you'll forgive me if I say that this is the most despicable, evil…
Mikoto: We make about 6 million Gil a night.
Steiner: …I don't suppose your looking for another partner are you?
Freya: ENOUGH! Come Child of Questionable Fashion and join us in our quest to find the Eye of Losstarot before the sinister Dr. Sebastian D. Lunatic!
Vivi: …Whachoo talkin' about?
Dagger: We'll explain later. If you come along you might get a chance to promote your show.
Vivi and Mikoto exchange glances.
Vivi: Aight foo'! Big Daddy V will join you on your trippin' quest! But first, a kinda toast!
Vivi and Mikoto takes out some cigars and offer them to the others. They decline, whereupon the duo starts to smoke.
Vivi/Mikoto: COUGH! HACK! WHEEZE! URRRRGH!
Zidane: …Erm…maybe you guys should lay off the cigars…
Vivi/Mikoto: But…they're…so…CLASSY!
They smoke some more.
Vivi/Mikoto: HACK! HACK! WHEEZE!
*****
Back at the Field of Ultimate Doom outside of Alexandria…
Black Waltz 1: Now hold on a second, let's not be hasty!
Pan out to reveal all three Black Waltzes suspended over a pot of boiling oil. A clearly deranged Rinoa is standing next to the rope holding them up with a sword in her hand.
Rinoa: Hee, hee, hee…
Black Waltz 2: C'mon! We're not even the people you're after! Let us go!
Rinoa: Maybe you aren't the king and queen, but you've made me waste my time discovering that for myself! FOR THIS YOU MUST D-
Rinoa is cut off by a Hatchback driving up to them and parking a few feet away. A man gets out of the passenger side, his silver hair blowing in the wind. The eyes of the Black Waltzes quadruple in size.
Black Waltzes: KUJA!
Kuja: Yes it is I. Again.
Rinoa: Pfft! I don't care who you are, this 'ere execution is going ahead right now! (pulls back blade)
Kuja: You wish to gain revenge against Zidane and Garnet do you not?
Rinoa (cautiously): Yeeeeesssss…
Kuja: So do we. If you join us we can strike against them together, rule Gaia and campaign for a decent dental plan.
Rinoa (teary eyed): Really?
Kuja: Really really.
Rinoa: YAHOOIE! You can count me in!
Kuja: Excellent. Allow me then to take this opportunity to introduce the man who will help us achieve this aim.
Kuja gestures to the Hatchback. The driver's door opens and out steps a man dressed in an orange bodysuit, yellow thigh high boots with small black cartoon skulls painted on each knee, a silver metal vest with the letter 'G' painted on the front, a yellow gas tank on his back, a gas mask and a blond Mohawk. He dusts down his knees and points at the startled Rinoa and the Waltzes. He is…
Gas-O: YEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAA!!!
To be continued…